Keep Calm II - The Spawning

Introduction

Surely you’ve seen many variations on the old British “KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON” poster.  And possibly you’ve even read “Keep Calm and Read These Quotations.” In that post I gave some background about the original “KEEP CALM…” poster, and then shared a number of quotations from my “KEEP CALM…” desk calendar (with commentary, of course).

Well, nothing says efficiency like “uninspired sequel,” so in this post I recycle my earlier idea, having gathered up the best (and better yet, the worst) of the quotations from the second half of my calendar.  I promise this essay will be more entertaining than TV coverage of the ball dropping in Times Square.  If I become aware that you watched that parade but didn’t read this post, I will find you, and I will kill you.  No kidding.  (Yeah, kidding.)

(Wondering about “The Spawning”?  I like to tack that on to the name of any sequel I happen to generate.  I got it from James Cameron’s first feature film, Piranha II – The Spawning, which, oddly enough, wasn’t actually a sequel but was billed that way to seem more appealing.  Weird, huh?)

Keep calm and mull these over

“Never retract, never explain, never apologize—get the thing done and let them howl.” —Nellie McClung, Canadian politician and social activist

This advice could easily be trotted out in support of retrograde parenting techniques like spanking kids, or telling a kid to do (or not do) something “because I said so.”  The problem with a platitude like this is that it makes sense only in context—and yet it uses the word “never,” which seems so absolute.

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“I do not weep at the world—I am too busy sharpening my oyster knife.” —Zora Neale Hurston

This quip seems fine in the context of its narrator, who lives among those who, being victims of racism, “hold that nature somehow has given them a lowdown dirty deal.”  But out of context, this quote is troublesome, given that oysters are rich-people food, and so few oysters contain pearls you’d need access to a vast quantity to complete the metaphor.  It’s easy to imagine this statement coming from the wrong narrator, like some callous 1-percenter shucking off the plight of the 99-percent.  And “oyster knife” is even worse than oyster, since all these single-purpose kitchen gadgets carry a strong whiff of Sur La Table.  Very confusing messaging here.

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“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” —Matthew 7:7

Again, only a highly specific context could make this quote meaningful.  As generic advice dispensed by a desk calendar, it’s useless, and a classic example of the weakness of the passive voice.  Who will open the door?  Who will give stuff out?  Success of this kind depends entirely on who hears the request or the knock at the door.  If Matthew is willing to step up and say, “I’ll open the door to you” and “I’ll give it to you,” then we can safely abbreviate this expression as  “Go ask Matthew.”  That would actually be kind of handy.  “Dad, can I have ice cream?” / “Go ask Matthew.”

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“You turn if you want to; the lady’s not for turning.” —Margaret Thatcher

I cannot find inspiration in this quote because I cannot understand it.  What the hell does it even mean?  I am so lost.  Is it a riddle?  A vague reference to ballroom dancing that I cannot make sense of despite having taken months of ballroom dancing lessons?  The only food for thought I find here is a long-debated matter of family history:  did my father, or did he not, actually once say to me, “You’re not very bright, are you”?

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“You can’t build a reputation on what you intend to do.” —Liz Smith, gossip columnist

This strikes me as very true … and yet people—and moreover companies—attempt this pre-fab reputation thing all the time.  I’m reminded of these little Lucite plaques I saw strewn across cubicles at a startup that read, “Commemorating our launch and future success.”  How do you commemorate something that hasn’t happened yet?  (Congrats, Liz … so far you’ve given better advice than a politician, a great writer, a biblical hero, and a former Prime Minister.)

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“No one can figure out your worth but you.” —Pearl Bailey, American actor and singer

I totally disagree with this one.  I believe one’s self-assessment of worth is not always (or perhaps not even often) very accurate.  Think of Luke Skywalker going off to fight Darth Vader, against Yoda’s advice, before completing his Jedi training.  Remember how that came out?  Luke got his fricking hand cut off, and—even worse—spawned the next movie, Return of the Jedi, which royally sucked!  Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum you’ve got people with low self-esteem who sometimes need to be nudged toward success by somebody (e.g., a boss or parent) who has greater faith in them.  I for one am gratified at having achieved things beyond what I’d have attempted on my own volition.

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“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way that you carry it.” —Lena Horne, performer & civil rights activist

I like this quote, even though—or perhaps because—it’s not inspirational.  Note that Ms. Horne is not necessarily saying “You can bear this load if you carry it properly.”  She could be saying, “You are carrying it wrong and will be broken down.”  Why do I like this if it’s not inspirational?  Good question. I’d love to be inspired right now … it’s been a tough year.  I guess I’m feeling cynical, so my BS detector has been turned up to 11, and find this quote refreshing.

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“If you have education and intelligence and ability, so much the better. But remember, thousands have reached the top without any of these qualities.” —Frank Loesser, composer & lyricist, in “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying”

Now we’re talking!

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“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” —W.C. Fields

This is very prescient, prefiguring our modern “fail fast” ethos.  The trick, of course, is recognizing the right time to bail.  As the French philosopher Montesquieu wrote, “In most things success depends on knowing how long it takes to succeed.”

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“Your crown has been bought and paid for. All you must do is put it on your head.” —James Baldwin, American writer

This is almost inspirational, except for its undertones of nepotism and the notion that most of our politicians have been bought and paid for by big business.

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“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” —Mary Anne Radmacher, American writer

Great quote, emphasizing character vs. personality (cf. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People), and inward resolve vs. brash public display.  And it ties in nicely with the next one:

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“Because half a dozen grasshoppers under a fern make the field ring with their importunate chink, whilst thousands of great cattle, reposed beneath the shadow of the British oak, chew the cud and are silent, pray do not imagine that those who make the noise are the only inhabitants of the field.” —Edmund Burke, 18th-century British statesman

I love this quote, and not only because I dislike grasshoppers. Is my dislike anthropocentric?  Maybe.  And perhaps, as with the Aesop’s Fable of the grasshopper and the ant, this anthropocentrism is unfair.  Speaking of glorifying ants, consider this next quote:

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“With patience and saliva the ant swallows the elephant.” —Colombian proverb

Has this ever actually happened?  A single ant managed to gradually dissolve and consume an entire elephant?  How did the elephant not defend himself?  Really bizarre imagery.  In considering that vast amount of saliva, I’m reminded, unfortunately, of a joke I played on a temp once.  Our office had this little envelope-licking device consisting of a small vessel with a foam brush attached.  The vessel had run dry and I said to the temp, “Look, I hate to have to ask you to do this, but could you possibly refill this for me?”  He was like, “Well yeah, no problem … I mean, I just take it to the sink, right?”  I replied, “No, no!  You can’t seal an envelope with water!  You have to—” and here I pantomimed repeatedly spitting into the vessel.  He looked horrified for a moment, until I burst out laughing.  Is there a moral to this story?  I hope not….

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“It’s more important to know where you are going than to get there quickly. Do not mistake activity for achievement.” —Mabel Newcomer, American columnist

I like the second part of this quote, but the first part is problematic.  Do we ever really know where we are going?

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“If there’s one thing you’ve got to hold on to, it’s the courage to fight!” —Bessie Delany, American dentist and civil rights activist

This is a fine quote, but why does my calendar mention Ms. Delany’s being a dentist?  Obviously her moral authority derives from her work as a civil rights activist ... why dilute it with her dentistry? What is it that dentists have the courage to fight?  Plaque? Or is the point that she had the courage to tackle a career in this male-dominated field? Could be. After all, have you ever met a female dentist? And for that matter, have you ever met a male dental hygienist?  (Okay, I feel like we’re getting off in the weeds here….)

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“The biggest sin is sitting on your ass.” —Florence R. Kennedy, American lawyer and activist

Hear, hear!

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“If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got.” —Moms Mabley, American vaudeville comedian

This is obviously meant as a warning against refusing to embrace change. As such, it’s not strong enough. If you always do what you always did, you may end up getting nothing. That is, even if you take comfort in predictability, and are complacent about the status quo, don’t assume you’re okay—you may soon become trodden down by the march of progress. Good advice, but can a warning like this be inspirational? At the moment I’m more inclined to sigh than to beat my chest.

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“Go forth to meet the shadowy Future, without fear, and with a manly heart.” —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 19th century American poet

Generally, when confronted with sexism from a long-dead writer, I try to give him or her the benefit of the doubt (in the spirit of “those were different times,” etc.), but what word could we substitute here for “manly”?  We could try “bold,” but then the quote becomes redundant since “without fear” and “bold” are essentially the same thing.  When we also pause to consider whether “Longfellow” was even this guy’s real name, it’s tempting to conclude that he’s basically saying “Don’t be a chick.”  Now, I do want to cut this guy some slack—after all, as I described in my previous Keep Calm post he did demonstrate real heroism during his life—but my calendar should have found a better quote from him.  For example, this one: “Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”

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“Fame is an accident; merit a thing absolute.” —Herman Melville

First of all, Melville is the man.  (I don’t mean that in a sexist way, mind you … this expression has become gender-neutral.  For example, Virginia Woolf is also the man.) If you haven’t read Moby Dick yet, it’s time.  Second, I love this quote even without the authority of its source.  So many people get famous who shouldn’t be, like Paris Hilton.  Others have huge merit, like Jo Ann Beard, without gaining nearly the fame they deserve.  I hope people like Ms. Beard intrinsically value their own merit so they don’t become bitter.  And let’s not forget those who are chock-full of merit who don’t even want fame.  (Can I think of an example?  Nope.  That’s how effective these fame-avoiding merit-blessed people are!)

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“All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.” —Julian Norwich, 14th-century Christian mystic

There’s nothing very mystical or even profound about this. Nobody would think anything of this quote if it were anonymous; like so many of its kind, its putative importance comes only from the assumed authority of its source. In that sense it’s perhaps the predecessor of the celebrity tweet.  My other issue with this notion is that it’s demonstrably false in so many situations.

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“For us is the life of action, of strenuous performance of duty; let us live in the harness, striving mightily; let us rather run the risk of wearing out than rusting out.” —Theodore Roosevelt

These are great words regardless of the source.  Meanwhile, Teddy Roosevelt really did live by them, working tirelessly throughout his life instead of resting on the laurels of becoming the youngest US president in history at age 42 and winning the Nobel Peace Prize at 47.  I admire the spirit here of focusing on the work, not just the achievement that it (ideally) leads to.  Unless something better comes to mind, I plan to make “live in the harness” my New Year’s Resolution for 2017.  (To be clear, this harness doesn’t just mean my career, but all the things I’m harnessed to:  work, parenting, cycling, blogging....)

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Keep Calm & Read These Quotations

Introduction

In a souvenir shop in London some years back, my wife bought a cool mug bearing a likeness of the British “KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON” poster.

This poster was originally created during World War II and was one of “a number of morale boosting posters that would be displayed across the British Isles during the testing times that lay ahead” (Wikipedia).  While two other posters were widely circulated, “the plan in place for this poster was to issue it only upon the invasion of Britain by Germany. As this never happened, the poster was never officially seen by the public.”

For the last few years I’ve noticed this iconic poster popping up all over the place, along with endless variations on it (my favorite being “FREAK OUT AND RUN AMOK”).  Last Christmas, I received a KEEP CALM desk calendar, with a new motivational quotation for each day.

In this post I review the good, the bad, and the ugly among these, so as to alternately uplift, demoralize, and challenge you.  I close with some ruminations on whether words alone can really lift sunken spirits.

Keep calm and mull these over

“It will never rain roses:  when we want to have more roses, we must plant more trees.” —George Eliot

I liked this so much I read it to my wife and older daughter.  They looked at me quizzically and asked, “Since when do roses grow on trees?”  Only then did I think about it.  Of course they don’t.  They grow on bushes.  We even have a word for that:  rosebush.  Didn’t George Eliot have an editor?  What a distraction that “trees” bit is, especially for people better versed in botany than I.

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“Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by traffic from both sides.” –Margaret Thatcher

This one is pretty silly.  Getting knocked down by traffic from one side is bad enough and should be avoided.  Moreover, the main problem here is standing in the road. Roads are for moving. Nobody should be standing in the road.  The whole metaphor buckles under its own weight.

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“Do.  Or do not.  There is no try.”  —Yoda

This one is great and probably the best line of dialogue from all those Star Wars movies.  I often recite this one for my kids, but this backfires because they beg me to say it in the Yoda voice.  So I do, and then they beg me to say more things in the Yoda voice, and before I know it I’m doing my “Yoda sommelier” routine and my throat gets all sore.

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“In most things success depends on knowing how long it takes to succeed.” —Montesquieu (French political philosopher)

This is a great point and I have firsthand experience with it.  I almost quit bike racing at the end of 1984, but for some reason stuck with it and the next season finally had my first (albeit small-scale) success.  On the flip side, it’s important to be able to recognize when you’ve tried hard enough and it’s time to quit.  Just look at gambling addicts or rabid Bernie acolytes who stage protests even after the candidate himself has moved on.  Depressing.

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“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?  Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?  Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that shit.” —George Carlin

This strikes me as very true.  If everybody sat around dreaming and asking “what if” all the time, nothing would get done. On the other hand, if everybody is too busy with repetitive tasks to sit back and wonder, innovation will never happen. Surely this double message was Carlin’s intention; once the initial belly-laugh is over we say, “Wait a second….”

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“No matter how tall the mountain, it cannot block out the sun.” —Chinese proverb 

The problem with this notion is that it’s demonstrably false. Even a low ridge of mountains can block out the sun well ahead of when you’d expect the sunset to  occur.  Last spring I was doing an evening mountain bike ride with my daughter, and I’d looked up the sunset and civil twilight times in advance.  But sure enough, the Berkeley hills, though reaching a peak elevation of less than 2,000 feet, blocked out the sun and we had to descend in the near-dark.  For me the metaphorical idea here has been forever sullied.

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“Think nothing done while aught remains to do.” —Samuel Rogers, English poet.

This is probably the most demoralizing thing I’ve ever read, because of course something always remains to do.  I have a hard enough time reflecting on my life without this bit of advice.  Imagine thinking of this when you’re on your death bed.  “I guess since I never finished that Master’s degree, it doesn’t matter that I was a good family man.  Damn it fuck it all.”  Thanks a lot, Samuel.

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“There are times when words seem empty and only actions seem great.” —Woodrow Wilson

This is not very inspiring to anybody who aspires to be a writer, or makes his living writing. Those poor journalists ... haven’t they suffered enough, without “advice” like this?  Frankly, I think Wilson was speaking mainly for himself.  He was never very good with words, like when he justified America’s refusal to join the war effort by saying, “There’s a such thing as being too proud to fight.”  What the hell does that mean?  You know what?  Just shove it, Wilson.

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“Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it.” —Chief Seattle, Duwamish chief

I like this quote, as it can help us to realign our perspective and not overestimate our importance in the cosmos.  My only problem with this quote is that, every time I glimpsed it on my desk calendar, I misread it as “Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely stranded in it.”  That misreading has eclipsed the real quote in memory.  Lately, the idea of being stranded in the web of life has been flashing across my mind a lot.  I can just picture the spider approaching….

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 “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” —Rumi, 13th-century Persian poet 

I think this is really good advice.  Frankly, I get annoyed when this or that movement gets all excited and says “We’re gonna change the world!”  Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to fix the world, but isn’t it more realistic to do what you can, with limited fanfare, and hope your albeit modest efforts make a noticeable difference?  (It’s not cheating to point out your results, by the way.  I like to tell my kids, “Watch, I’m going to singlehandedly save the planet by composting this teabag.”  They stare back blankly, perhaps thinking something like, “No dad is so dorky that he can block out the sun.”) 

My only issue with this quote is that it brings to mind the Michael Jackson song “Man in the Mirror,” which, though a great song, is just too catchy and gets stuck in my head so before long I’m tweaking the lyrics out of sheer boredom and singing, “If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then bag your face!” and my kids are giving me that look again.

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“Know how sublime a thing it is/ To suffer and be strong.” —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 19th-century American poet

I absolutely love this quote.  It reminds us that suffering can improve us.  (No, I’m not going to trot out that famous Nietzsche quote because I think it’s too often completely untrue.  I prefer my inversion of it, “That which does not make you stronger may eventually kill you.”)

Longfellow’s quote here is one of the rare ones that I kind of wish could have come from an athlete, such as the (alas, departed) Mohammed Ali.  As sublime images go, picturing Ali in the ring does a better job than picturing a poet at his desk.   But that isn’t to say poets don’t suffer.  Writing certainly involves suffering (and remember that next time you’re halfway through one of my blog posts and feeling sorry for yourself).

What does Longfellow in particular know of suffering?  Actually, quite a lot.  He was severely burned trying to save Fanny, his second wife, from burning to death, using his own body to smother the flames. Does this action inform the quote above?  Well, not exactly.  He wrote these lines years before trying to rescue Fanny, when he’d just begun his 7-year courtship of her.  The suffering he mentions here may just have been blue balls. ]

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“Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them, the rest of us could not succeed.” —Mark Twain

I like this quote.  It’s less stuffy than “in the kingdom of the blind…” and gives us the smug satisfaction of looking down on fools.  But it’s not very inspirational, is it?  It reminds us that our success is really just a matter of failing less than the next guy, and though we should be reminded of this, I don’t find the thought very comforting.

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“Man grows used to everything, the scoundrel!” —Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Another albeit great quote that doesn’t, alas, buck me up very much.  Yes, humans are resilient and adaptable, but I can’t celebrate this idea without thinking of even more adaptable creatures like pigeons and roaches … not the most inspiring role models.

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“Where there is doubt, faith;/ Where there is despair, hope;/ Where there is darkness, light;/ Where there is sadness, joy.” —St. Francis of Assisi.

Look, I’ll be the first to grant that St. Francis of Assisi was a great guy.  But this utterance isn’t inspirational or profound. It’s a simple set of contrasts that together mean nothing.  What’s next?  “Where there is less filling; tastes great; / Where there is Dark Side, Force;/ Where there is gremlin, smurf’”?

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“Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.” —Colin Powell

Holy shit, this is a frightening notion coming from any military leader.  I won’t comment on Powell’s track record—politics bores me and I have no insight or opinion here—but remember the Bay of Pigs invasion of 1961, from history class?  This was a textbook case of Groupthink—the tendency of well-meaning team players to appear optimistic despite inner qualms, so that a group will tend to behave far more boldly than it ought to.

I’m reminded of a Kung Fu episode when the old sage hands Grasshopper a pencil and says, “Break this in half,” which he does.  Then he hands him a cluster of 50 pencils and says, “Try now,” and of course Grasshopper can’t do it.  Nice idea, but you ever try to write with 50 pencils at once?  Some forces shouldn’t be multiplied and personally I find nothing inspirational about an idea that scares the shit out of me.

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“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” —Jonathan Safran Foer

This is very wise, I think.  When I first read this, I thought about my wife and how she loves pancakes enough to risk getting undercooked ones.  During our cross-country bike tour, whenever we breakfasted at a diner she’d order pancakes, and 90% of the time they were undercooked and gluey.  Fortunately, I always ordered eggs so I could trade with her.  Ever since that tour, eating undercooked pancakes makes me feel oddly happy.

Of course this is a nice idea when you’re just talking about fricking pancakes, but it’s a lot harder when you’re actually sad.  Foer’s quote doesn’t boost my morale, exactly … I’m reminded to confront my sadness, though I know this won’t necessarily lead to happiness.  To assume that it will is to commit the logical fallacy of converse error, which bright people like you and Foer know better than to do.  So we embrace sadness, but with no guarantee of relief.

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“Hope against hope, and ask till ye receive.” —James Montgomery, British educator and poet

I don’t like this one.  Logically, “hope against hope” is a quagmire.  Hope is a feeling, and if we don’t feel it, we can’t simulate it through intellectual gymnastics.  And “ask till ye receive” is so weak and supplicating.  It’s also annoying to the person (and perhaps even the deity) fielding the entreaties.  I rue the day I told my kids “It never hurts to ask.”  I was imagining them asking for a job, or some kind of retail discount.  I wasn’t thinking of them haranguing me for lemonade or something when I’m already shelling out for burgers.  Now I find myself repeating a far more useful saying of my own:  “Volume and repetition are not sound rhetorical techniques.”

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“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.” —Booker T. Washington, American writer and educator

This is good, but sounds kind of stuffy.  “One” is so formal, and there just seem to be too many words here.  I read this to my teenaged daughter and I’m pretty sure she fell asleep halfway through.  Sensing a teachable moment I discussed the quote with her, and we came up with what I think is a much improved version:  “Success isn’t just where you got in life, but how much gnar you shredded along the way.”

That’s better, I think, but is it inspirational?  The problem is, success doesn’t necessarily lead to happiness.  So many of the most (conventionally) successful people are successful because they’re unhappy.   Their insatiable thirst for success is perhaps rooted in the mistaken belief that happiness will follow success.  To them, this quote might be depressing; they might lash out at Fate for not giving them better obstacles to overcome.  And those of us who acknowledge the disconnect between success and happiness won’t be inspired at all.  Say, for example, we’re feeling sad about death.  How could the idea of success even figure in?

The problem with aphorisms

Where morale is concerned, the problem with quotations is that mere words, delivered on a page (or a screen) to a solitary reader, tend to fall flat.  They’re just advice, given in a disembodied voice and usually lent some cred by an authority figure you’ve never met.  My desk calendar is fine food for thought, but doesn’t achieve the goal of the poster on which it is based.

The idea of the poster campaign, on the other hand, is excellent.  The Brits are a famously stoic people, and stoicism—to a point (cf. Foer)—can be useful, especially when it’s shared.  In that sense, the collective stoicism engendered by the poster campaign is a “force multiplier.”  (There’s no pitfall of Groupthink here because feeling, not strategy, is influenced.)

Just to be clear:  sharing mere words is not the point.  Social media is not a functional conduit for a morale-building campaign because it does not involve actual human contact—it’s just another disembodied delivery mechanism for words.  The British poster campaign works more like this:  you’re a Londoner, and your city is being bombed, and you’re hunkering in a fallout shelter with scores of your countrymen.  It’s terrifying, but you have the solidarity of your mates and the stoicism is infectious.  Before you know it, you’re all singing—yes, actually singing!—and then you catch a glimpse of one of these morale-building posters.  No, the words are not ingenious (indeed, “keep calm and carry on” is less profound than most of the above quotations), but the shared experience imbues the poster with more meaning than it had before—so that the next day, when you’re walking through rubble in your war-torn city, you see one of those posters and are reminded of the camaraderie of the bomb shelter, and maybe this helps just a bit.

Of course you and I are not overcoming this particular obstacle, and most of us aren’t British.  But suppose you’re grieving … I still think there’s special value in, say, sitting with an identically aggrieved friend, sipping good beer, talking a bit but not incessantly, gazing passively across the room at the faintly luminous dial on his 1970s-era stereo tuner, not knowing anything profound but at least knowing you’re not alone.

Postscript

My KEEP CALM desk calendar obviously lasted another five months after this post was written. Here is the sequel: Keep Calm II - The Spawning.

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