Introduction
If you’ve resolved to stop watching the Tour de France because Tadej Pogacar (UAE Team Emirates XRG) is too dominant, you’ve come to the right place. I cover all the action in just a few short pages, with really blurry photos and even blurrier commentary. And I’m willing to break all the rules of journalistic integrity in the pursuit of conveying something amusing. In last post I covered Stage 15 plus everything that had happened before it. Today I bring you the queen stage, which is also the last mountain day and the final opportunity for the GC hopeless (I almost said hopefuls) to mix it up. I’ll also brief you on what’s happened since my last report.
Today’s course is absolutely savage. A couple commentators have said it’s one of the hardest routes in history, and whether or not that’s true, it features four massive climbs totaling over 18,000 feet of vertical gain. I’ve done all these climbs and can tell you they’re just brutal.
Tour de France Stage 20 – Le Bourg d’Oaisans – Alpe d’Huez
As I join the action, the riders have about 70 kilometers to go, and are at the base of the fearsome Col du Galibier, an Hors Categorie (“whore’s category”) climb that takes them to the highest point of this year’s Tour (or any tour that includes this climb). So my timing is pretty perfect, if only I could wake up.
They’re interviewing Pogacar.
INTERVIEWER: Thanks very much for stopping so I could talk to you.
POGACAR: Yeah, no worries.
INTERVIEWER: But do you think it’s wise, letting the race go up the road like this?
POGACAR: Oh yeah, no problem, I can close a gap of a few minutes. Yesterday I stopped for like ten minutes to get a manicure! [Laughs]
There’s a breakaway of five with almost five minutes on the GC group. It’s the American Sepp Kuss (Team Visma - Lease a Bike), Richard Carapaz (EF Education - Easypost), Jai Hindley (Red Bull - Bora - Hasgrohe), another American Matthew Riccitello (Decathlon CMA CGM Team), and Juan Ayuso (Lidl - Trek). Carapaz and Kuss were in the breakaway yesterday as well, both riding really well—more to come on this in a minute because—whoa, Carapaz attacks the group!
He obviously wants to reach the summit first to protect his polka-dot jersey that, after much striving, he managed to take away from Valentin Paret Pientre (Soudal Quick-Step) yesterday. A bit earlier they showed some replays from earlier today, of Carapaz totally destroying Paret Pientre at the summit of the Col de la Croix de Fer (another beastly HC climb) and atop the Col du Télégraphe.
The commentators have gotten bored with the race and are playing with toys.
Hmmm, I guess they’re actually holograms. The commentators look kind of uncomfortable with this little stunt and within seconds we’re back to actual race footage.
Hindley, Riccitello, and Kuss have now caught Carapaz, dropping Ayuso in the process. This is fine for Carapaz, who will want these guys for the long descent to the base of the final climb anyway. Carapaz still looks good and continues to lead this group, with my cat looking on.
My cat seems quite content watching with me. She doesn’t seem to mind my commentary and analysis, either. In this regard she’s a more devoted cycling fan than my wife, who is literally sleeping through this coverage.
The gap to the yellow jersey group is over five minutes, which bodes well but probably not well enough given how insatiable Pogacar is. We shall see, maybe this breakaway will fly on the descent.
They’re showing footage from Pogacar’s first Tour win, when he came out of nowhere to take minutes out of the previous leader, Primoz Roglic, who was distracted by his ridiculous helmet, apparently sized to fit a small child, such that it was creeping off his head the whole time, and he completely came apart psychologically and never really recovered. On his deathbed when he’s thinking about where his life went wrong, that helmet will loom large.
Carapaz still looks rock-solid on the front and I can’t see why anybody would contest the KOM points. And there it is, he takes them.
The yellow jersey “group” is down to just four riders. Isaac del Toro (UAE Team Emirates - XRG) is struggling just a bit on the back, based on the gnarly pace his teammate Pogacar is throwing down. Who knows, maybe if del Toro has a bad day and Pogacar serves as his domestique—because honestly, what else is he gonna do to keep from being bored?—maybe this breakaway has a chance. Del Toro is third on GC, only 24 seconds ahead of Paul Seixas (Decathlon CMA CGM Team), the 19-year-old upstart from France, who is also in this group. Rounding out the quartet is Remco Evenepoel (Red Bull - Bora - Hansgrohe), who sits second on GC over seven minutes behind Pogacar.
The leaders are drilling it on this penultimate descent, heading toward the Col du Lautaret, which I can tell you is a blast. The Peacock announcers are calling it treacherous but actually, it’s smooth and fast and fun (unless visibility is terrible). Somewhere along the line Ayuso caught back on so the break is back up to five riders. Ayuso, a former UAE domestique of Pogacar with a history of riding selfishly, is Lidl-Trek’s GC leader for this Tour, but is making a pretty crummy go of it, sitting all the way back in 7th place on GC, almost 16 minutes behind Pogacar.
Riccitello is at the back of the breakaway, struggling a bit.
Since not much is happening on the descent, I’ll catch you up on what’s gone on in this Tour since my Stage 15 blow-by-blow report. In Stage 16, the 26-kilometer individual time trial, Evenepoel won his second stage in a row, taking 28 seconds out of Pogacar; there was no real change in the GC. Stage 17 was for the sprinters, and Jasper Philipsen (Alpecin-Premier Tech) did a competent job at making good on the perfect leadout from his teammate Mathieu Van der Poel. It was Philipsen’s first stage win of this Tour. The next day was a moderate mountain day finishing on a Category 1 climb, and Carapaz soloed to victory out of a small breakaway, which took over four minutes out of the yellow jersey group. That brings us to yesterday’s Stage 19, a pretty brutal mountain stage finishing atop the legendary Alpe d’Huez. Despite a hopeful-looking breakaway including Carapaz, Lenny Martinez (Bahrain Victorious), and Kuss, the outcome was all too predictable with Pogacar overhauling everyone and soloing to victory, setting a new record for the climb as well. (He did Alpe d’Huez in 35:27, more than a minute faster than the previous record set by the epically lubed Marco Pantani back in the ‘90s. For the record, my best effort was a little under 50 minutes back in 2003.)
Riccitello is pretty far off the back of this group now. Poor guy. He’s just a tiny thing, 115 pounds the announcers are saying, and honestly he looks like he’s about 15 years old. They interviewed him recently and I had to marvel at how his head was dwarfed by his giant sunglasses. Why don’t these riders take off their sunglasses when they’re being interviewed? It’s so annoying. Do they all have social anxiety? Or is an outbreak of pinkeye going through the peloton?
There’s a chase group of three but they’re pretty far back. It’s hard to tell who’s in it; I think one of the riders is Davide Piganzoli (Team Visma - Lease a Bike). The coverage goes to yet another commercial intermission so I can’t tell you more than that. These fricking ads, they drive me nuts. I have a policy of boycotting for life any product advertised during something I’m watching. So far this means swearing off some pretty dumb looking Peacock shows, a watery American beer, and a jewelry company. I won’t tell you the name of these products because then I’d be adding to the problem, obviously. Advertisers only wish they could show up on albertnet.
Ricitello continues to lose time to the breakaway, fighting the wind all by himself.
There’s really no point in Ricitello continuing to try. I don’t mean in the sport of course, he’s a great racer. But he has his team leader Seixas back in the yellow jersey group and maybe he should just drop back and help him defend his GC position, or—who knows?—help him make a final bid for the podium, should del Toro or Evenepoel crack. (Could one of these two actually fall apart? Sure! Del Toro is a youngster, in his first Tour, so there’s no telling how well he can hold up oven three weeks. And Evenepoel is well known for always having a bad day in the Tour, though this year he seems rock solid.)
The yellow jersey group has swelled a bit, by which I mean the riders are all totally swole. Ha ha, just kidding, they’re all emaciated and birdlike, of course. A few others have joined this group including Martinez, Nicolas Prodhomme (Decathlon CMA CGM Team, supporting Seixas, obviously), and a few others I can’t make out because OMG, another commercial break. Now I have to ban an insurance company for life.
And now the leaders are on the base of the final climb, the hors categorie Col de Sarenne. I’ve ridden 18 of the Alpine climbs that feature in the Tour, and this one is definitely the prettiest. I can tell you that the early pitch is the hardest, at 12%, but then it gets a bit easier. It averages like 7% for around 13 kilometers.
Now the GC leaders are on the climb, about three minutes back. Needless to say Pogacar is setting the pace. Looks like Evenepoel has a teammate with him; I reckon it’s Maxim van Gils.
Despite the action heating up, there’s another ad and now I have to boycott a Japanese car company and a non-dairy creamer. (The creamer will be the easiest boycott of my life.) I take this opportunity to go drag my daughter out of bed. Normally she’d never rise before like 9, but I told her about Kuss, her favorite racer (and mine as well, come to think of it), being in the break.
Kuss attacks! OMG, he’s instantly got a huge gap! Only Hindley can respond!
And now Kuss is solo! He’s looking awesome!
The gap to the yellow group isn’t as big as I’d like, but Kuss is a baller descender so if he has any gap at the top, he could take this stage. Let’s hope del Toro struggles and Pogacar decides to hang back … but that’s a faint hope.
Okay, that was indeed van Gils in the chase group and now he detonates and goes straight out the back, having done what he can for Evenepoel, who looks pretty calm in this group.
A fan runs next to the group for an astonishingly long time, yelling as she runs. I think she’s bionic. I can’t tell what she’s saying but I think she’s providing laundry tips.
Carapaz has caught Hindley and looks pretty good, and they’re keeping the gap to Kuss down to about 14 seconds. The yellow jersey group isn’t really making up time yet—fingers crossed!
As my daughter astutely points out, the problem with the Visma jerseys is that, she says, “It looks like they crashed on their backs. It’s kind of badass but also stresses me out to look at.” I see her point.
Here’s some scenery for readers who couldn’t care less about the race. (Not sure how many readers this would be. My best guess is zero but really I have no idea.)
Note that the above photo is not from the race footage. Peacock blocks screen grabs, apparently just to piss me off, so all these crummy photos were of my screen, snapped with my phone camera. It did such a crap job on the scenery shot, I decided to make a substitution. I shot the above photo when I did this climb about three years ago.
They’re on to more ads now, and it looks like I have to ban that awful fast food taqueria chain that had the E. coli outbreak and saved face by putting a burger on their menu. Now they have honey chicken. Soon they’ll probably have pizza too. EASIEST. BOYCOTT. EVER.
And now there’s a concerted effort in the GC group by Declathlon, which amazingly has three riders still, to put Seixas on the final podium.
While I was fuming at the stupid ads, Kuss was caught by the chasing duo. Between that and the surging GC group, things are not looking good for him. Hindley looks pretty strong on the front.
In the GC group, Riccitello—who must have read my mind from earlier—is totally drilling it for Seixas! What a hero!
And now he totally detonates and goes out the back like he’s been clotheslined!
And at the front, Kuss attacks again!
It’s a glorious attack and he’s suddenly got a big gap! (I refuse to say he has “daylight.” I don’t know why this expression bothers me, but it does.) Could Kuss hold everyone off? Back in the GC group, del Toro starts drilling it on the front, as if to assert that he really does have things under control.
Only Pogacar and Evenepoel can hang with del Toro.
Kuss still looks good but Carapaz never, ever gives up.
Now Pogacar leads the trio that’s all we have left of the GC group. My daughter points out that Pogacar needs to be more strategic—not in terms of the stage (because honestly, when did strategy ever apply when he just drops everyone?) but in terms of his career. By being so dominant, he makes the sport really boring, which drives viewers to more exciting fare like competitive fly fishing or rodeo.
Three more ads later, Kuss is still solo but Carapaz is gaining ground. They’re still 1:50 ahead of the Pogacar trio, with only a kilometer to the top! And now the gap to Carapaz increases slightly.
Kuss still looks sprightly and now it seems he may have finally crushed out Carapaz! Kuss is flying, despite the ticker tabulating all his failures since his last stage win!
Behind, Carapaz is visibly struggling, slightly overgeared.
Kuss is over the summit and has about 14 kilometers to the finish. He’s a great descender, having come from mountain bike racing, so I’m feeling pretty bullish. Last time Kuss won a stage, there was a big descent at the end and he had to hold off Alejandro Valverde, who was a phenomenal descender, so I was sweating bullets.
Pogacar’s trio is now over the summit, about two minutes back.
Now Seixas nears the top. Bob Roll pronounces his name “Sex sauce,” and Phil Liggett calls him “Sex ass.” My daughter suggests there’s something Freudian going on there. Ayuso and a teammate have caught up to the Frenchman.
Up at the front, there’s a brutal little roller that Kuss has to power over. My legs hurt just looking at it.
Man, Kuss and Carapaz did some serious damage on that climb, distancing the others by over a minute and a half. Assuming Pogacar and the other GC guys are conservative on the descent, it’s between these two. Obviously I’m rooting for Kuss, but man, I do love how utterly relentless Carapaz is.
Kuss is really suffering but I think he’s finally reached the top of this penultimate uncategorized climb. Based on the flags flapping I can see it’s really windy—let’s hope not a headwind. Man. My pulse is racing. Who needs coffee? “He’s gotta keep going,” Phil points out sagely.
OMG! Kuss has crashed!
WTF!? He gets right back on his bike. OMG! OMG!
Could this stage get any crazier?!
Yes! It could and it does! Kuss crashes again!
Carapaz comes by and damn, what does this do to Kuss’s psyche? Good god.
Kuss trails by eight seconds. Assuming he has a nearly toxic level of adrenaline boosting him, it’s just barely possible he could catch up, especially with the uphill finish. It’s about two miles to go. Man, good thing for that netting or Kuss would have gone right over the side!
OMG! The gap is coming down just slightly! How badly is Kuss hurting after that crash? Oh dear. He really looks like he’s suffering—his arm is bleeding pretty badly—and the gap starts to increase again.
Carapaz might have been a bit spooked by Kuss’s crashes and slowed down a bit because the yellow jersey group has narrowed its gap quite a bit, only 1:08 behind now (though that’s probably enough).
In the yellow group, Evenepoel attacks, probably just to show the UAE duo that he’s worthy of his second place spot on the podium. It’s not a hellacious out-of-the-saddle attack, just a burst of assertion.
Del Toro is immediately distanced. and Pogacar keeps an eye on him.
Carapaz is dying as he crosses the 2-kilometer kite.
Alas, Kuss is also dying.
Evenepoel is closing in. He might just catch Kuss, but it’s another 20 seconds to Carapaz, so I think the Ecuadorian has got this.
Kuss hasn’t given up and continues to drill it.
Carapaz is under the 1-kilometer kite. His margin will hold.
Evenepoel is flying. He’s got Kuss in his sights and has taken half a minute out of Pogacar and del Toro.
Carapaz takes the win!
On the final stretch, Evenepoel blows by Kuss. Damn. Just damn.
Evenepoel looks pleased, obviously, but maybe also a bit wistful at not having attacked a bit earlier to pick up another stage.
Kuss comes across just looking gutted.
Pogacar and del Toro come across the line together, doing a Texas hook-‘em horns salute. I’m not sure why these riders would have an affinity for Texas, but I can’t see any other reason for this odd gesture.
Well, I will say this about today’s stage: it wasn’t boring. Heartbreaking, yes, but not boring.
Here’s the stage result.
And here’s the new GC, which has at least a 99% chance of being the final since tomorrow is for the sprinters.
We’re now into the post-race wrap-up by the talking heads. Phil and Bob weigh in.
PHIL: I was rooting for Sepp even though I’m British and I’ve never gotten over the American Revolution. That whole “taxation without representation” claim was greatly exaggerated.
BOB: Phil, you actually lived through the American Revolution, did you not? Were you not one of the redcoats?
PHIL: Yes, in fact I was. I am a vampire. I am over 300 years old.
BOB: Who do you think will win tomorrow? Do you think [Mads] Pedersen [Lidl - Trek] has a chance?
PHIL: Who?
Now they’re interviewing Kuss.
INTERVIEWER: What a stage. What happened on that descent?
KUSS: I was so on the limit, I misjudged the corner though the tunnel, then I was trying to make up too much time and crashed again. My family watching at home was probably pretty nervous then. [Laughs.] But that’s racing.
INTERVIEWER: It’s been a tough Tour for your team.
KUSS: That’s how it goes, you can’t always have good luck but I’m proud of the way we fought. After Jonas was out, we made the most of every single day. Unfortunately we couldn’t pay it back.
INTERVIEWER: Pay what back? I don’t follow.
KUSS : I don’t even know what I just said. Cut me some slack, my legs and arms are bleeding.
INTERVIEWER : And your heart?
KUSS: Yeah, that too, of course.
Please note that I rendered some of that interview accurately, up to and including the phrase “pay it back.” Overall, Kuss really does seem to be taking this heartbreaking letdown in stride. I’m very impressed. I would be bawling.
Now they go to Christian Vande Velde for his take.
This was a crazy stage, with all that wind, poor Matthew [Riccitello] almost got blown off the road three times, then Kuss crashes, and only Sepp could laugh off something like that, and then you’ve got the Tadej-plus-Isaac story, I mean here you have a guy who’s paid millions of dollars to come here and support Pogacar, but then instead you have Pogacar helping him. Pogi has once again just torn up the playbook and rewritten how race tactics play out. Surely he’ll be in trouble with his boss, because now del Toro is gonna get all uppity and probably want a raise, and wait a second, I didn’t say that, what’s happening here, is it that rogue blogger again? Dammit!
I’m happy to say that Kuss has won the Combativity award. He well deserves it.
Now they’re interviewing Pogacar.
INTERVIEWER: You really helped Isaac del Toro today.
POGACAR: People are talking a lot about how I helped him, but first he’d helped me. He is always sacrificing himself, and I can’t forget all the days he rode for me, so for the last hour and a half felt good to support him. It was a pleasure and now I realize how hard it is to work for someone else.
INTERVIEWER: And then you crossed the line hand-in-hand, that’s special. And that little hook ‘em horns salute … what did that mean?
POGACAR: Everyone keeps saying “hook ‘em horns,” I don’t know what that means. But anyway, it’s been a crazy Tour, my competitors had some bad luck which I never like, but a lot of shit can happen in two weeks.
INTERVIEWER: Actually, three weeks.
POGACAR: Three weeks, really? It only felt like two. That’s how fresh I still am.
The final interview is with del Toro.
INTERVIEWER: You held on to your podium, with some help from your leader. How’s it feel?
DEL TORO: It’s beautiful, we had some really special moments, we were here to fight, I am so happy to be here with the guys, we will go with the flow. [This last bit spoken as though it made sense.]
INTERVIEWER: You and Pogi clearly did a Texan “hook ‘em horns” salute over the line, but he claims to not even know what that is. Walk me through the salute. Was it planned?
DEL TORO: Lots of people are confused on this. Neither Pogi nor I has any allegiance to America, Texas, or the University of Texas at Austin. What we made was actually the “sign of the horns,” which is popular in my home country, Mexico, and is used to imply cuckoldry. A rider in this Tour—I won’t say his name—has a very attractive wife, and both Pogi and I have slept with her. The gesture was for that rider. You know, rubbing it in.
INTERVIEWER: You’ve got to be kidding me.
DEL TORO: Well, I’m not, because obviously I didn’t even say any of these things. My commentary was much too boring, so the blogger took his usual liberties.
INTERVIEWER: Disgraceful, isn’t it…
DEL TORO: Actually, I think it’s pretty funny!
Well, I think I’ve done enough reporting (and fabricating) for one day. I hope we all learned a lesson here: no matter how boring Pogacar can make the Tour, you never know what might happen to keep it exciting. Watch these pages because I’ll be covering the Vuelta this September.
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