albertnet Pledge Drive!

Introduction

Wait, don’t leave! I know there’s almost nothing more annoying than a pledge drive, and when I was a kid and some damn telethon came in the TV, my brothers and I would almost injure ourselves diving for the channel-changer knob. But this is different! For one thing, you weren’t about to passively enjoy a bland visual spectacle on this page anyway. Also, albertnet needs you and time is running out! (Okay, it’s not—it never is—but still.)

I’ve been doing this blog for over seventeen years and I’ve barely asked readers for anything. So it’s time for you to step up. Don’t worry, I don’t want your money (not that I’d turn it down). Instead of asking for money, I’m asking for other pledges. Consider the words of Don Corleone: “Someday, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.” Okay, so neither of my daughters is getting married, but I’m tired of waiting around. So I’m calling on you to make a pledge to me: maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon—and for the rest of your life. (My pledge to you: that will be the last cinematic reference of this post.)

Why support albertnet?

How much do you pay for the cable TV that mainly shows you stuff like depressing documentaries of hoarders, or grisly footage of women’s cage fighting where at some point they’re too tired to continue jumping around and throwing punches or kicks and they’re just sprawled on the mat, one woman grinding the other’s face into it, and you feel terrible watching but can’t take your eyes off of it? And how much do you pay for carry-out  coffee that is so boiling hot it scalds the roof of your mouth so you don’t enjoy your next overpriced restaurant meal? If you could work off the credit card debt that these indulgences create, just by adjusting certain lifestyle behaviors, wouldn’t you do it? And wouldn’t those adjustments be even better served supporting a blog that has educated and entertained you for seventeen years without making you feel bad about society and yourself?

Where else but albertnet are you going to get the definitive spelling of “kindergart[e]ner,” with a deep investigation of who spells it how, and why? What other blog has done justice to thorny topics like bicycle inner tubes and Presta valve locknuts? Who else but I would deliver a biting critique of our national anthem? And if you’re contemplating a vasectomy, what other blog could possibly answer your every question, and in such vivid detail?

Sure, you probably think of albertnet as an infinitely renewable resource—but like all renewable resources, it takes wise use and careful stewardship to keep it flowing. Maybe you think that once was enough, that time you anonymously commented, “If somebody wants expert take on the main topic of blogging next I advise him/her to go to this site, continue the fussy job. car locksmith Dallas.” Or maybe you can’t even remember the last time you supported albertnet. Well, if you can’t remember, it’s probably been never. Think about that, and not just from a semantic viewpoint.

Now, before you make some BS excuse for yourself and close this page, hold up a second because you’re probably deploying one of the classic fallacies people conveniently maintain about pledging:

1. I can’t remember the URL
2. Our taxes pay for albertnet, don’t they?
3. Someone else will do it
4. I can’t afford to make a pledge
5. Blogs are free, aren’t they?

Let me briefly refute each of these in turn. My own dad couldn’t remember the URL to this blog, and when a friend asked him for it, he said he hadn’t bothered to bookmark it because my posts are too long and he didn’t have time to read them. Well, you know what? He’s dead now. Is that what you want? Look, you’re here. You got here. Nice try. Moving on to the second excuse, I don’t get any funding from the federal government, and in fact, thanks to that tax-and-spend liberal we’ve got in the White House, I usually owe every April. As for excuse #3, “someone else will do it,” you know in your heart that’s not true—nobody supports albertnet and most of the time nobody even reads it. Almost the only praise I ever got was for a race report I ghost-wrote for a teammate; thinking this teammate had written it, two members called it the “best race report of all time.” When they discovered I was the actual writer, the praise ended instantly. Moving on to “I can’t afford it,” I’m not asking for money. And this last excuse, “blogs are free, aren’t they?” is patently false—I have to pay for my domain names, and then there’s the blood, sweat, and tears that go into every post. (Yes, I am literally bleeding and crying right now, and probably have BO.)

Now that you’ve moved past this foolish knee-jerk reaction and want to help, I’ll tell you how—and more importantly, I’ll explain what’s in it for you.

Membership tiers

Look, making a pledge is really its own reward, and you’ll feel different after you pledge—better involved, and more important, not like a bystander anymore but like an owner. Still, we could all use a leg up socially … I get that. Therefore, I am hereby establishing albertnet membership tiers to richly reward your engagement. Consider which of these you’re in a position to achieve.

Friend – This is the entry level. And this isn’t “friend” as in “Facebook friend”—I’m not going to abuse your privacy, spam you, or get into that ridiculous quid pro quo of liking your post so you have to like mine back. I’m talking about real friendship. I will take a bullet for you—not a real one, but a metaphorical one, or maybe even one of those rubber bullets if you find yourself in the mêlée of a peace rally gone sour. If you reach this tier, I will mention you at the bottom of this post in the special Honor Roll section. (Terms and conditions apply. Void where prohibited.)

Supporter – This is a little more serious, like a 5-series BMW instead of the tacky entry-level 3-series. You’ll begin to establish yourself as a person who can be counted on, not just a dabbler. Members of this tier will be listed in the Supporter section of the Honor Roll, which will be reachable via a hyperlink I’ll put at the bottom of every albertnet post for the next year!

Patron – This will cement your public persona as a person who has a little weight to throw around, but not in a bodily way or anything—I’m talking gravitas. Given the rich heritage of albertnet as a premier journal of professional cycling, you’ll also gain status through the widespread connotation of the term “patron” in the pro peloton. Patrons of albertnet will be listed in Honor Roll and get to include a profile picture (which can be of themselves, their avatar, their pet, or their brand logo).

Cornerstone member – This is the kind of reader I can really count on, who lives and breathes albertnet’s coda and mantra every day with undiminished passion. And what is the coda? If you’re this kind of member, you already know. And the mantra? It’s “I … WILL … NOT … LOSE … EVER.” As a Cornerstone Member you will be featured in the Honor Roll with a short video selfie of yourself (embedded YouTube or GIF format, your choice!) delivering any non-political, non-profane, non-copyrighted message or interpretive dance you like.

Baller – This one speaks for itself as the very highest membership tier of this, or any, blog. In addition to getting an Honor Roll video, Ballers get their profile photo or logo featured on the albertnet masthead for three months! Whoa!

(Note: if you’re shy, but still want recognition, I can use your first name and last initial, or just your initials, or your nickname, or a pseudonym, or a code name … whatever you want!)

What you’ll pledge

Anonymous readers are encouraged to pledge self-directed behavioral changes for their own benefit and the warm, sanctimonious feeling of self improvement. While no profile attainment is involved, these are surefire ways to become a better person. But if you want to achieve one of the prestigious albertnet membership tiers with all the benefits that entails, read on to see what specific changes you can make, and how high you can get! Some  of these require only a simple pledge (emailed to me here) while others require specific action that you can report to me once completed.

Friend

• Delete your Meta account.
• Pledge to switch to drinking non-alcoholic beer at least some of the time.
• At the gym, don’t sit there on the machine looking at your phone between sets.
• Pledge to swear off microwave popcorn forever, since air poppers are cheap and work so well.
• Pledge to swear off aerosol whipped cream since a whisk does a great job whipping fresh cream.
• Pledge to throw away your Keurig machine.
• Pledge to consider the environmental impact when you use GenAI.
• Pledge to never purchase, accept, or otherwise trade in cryptocurrency.
• Pledge to switch from SMART goals to DUMB goals  as described in these pages.
• If you’re over fifty and haven’t had your first colonoscopy, do that immediately.
• Try writing a sonnet.
• If you have a child applying to colleges, read this post and help your child understand that all the paranoia about college acceptance rates, etc., is overblown.
• Switch from oil to a wax-based chain lube for your bike.
• If you’ve always held out for wild salmon, get over yourself and try out responsibly farmed salmon with guidance from this post.
• Pledge to be more compassionate with yourself.

Supporter

• Delete your Meta account with the parting message (i.e., reason for leaving), “Zuckerberg is an asshole and Meta can gargle my balls.” (This is the sign-off I used after deciding the utility of WhatsApp didn’t justify supporting this evil company.)
• Pledge to abide by my AI-themed new year’s resolutions described here.
• If you don’t have a library card, get one.
• Pledge to never pressure your offspring in any way to major in any STEM subject. Note: subtle hints count as pressure!
• Pledge to be completely evasive whenever somebody asks you what you do for a living. You can tell them, for example, “I’m a vegetarian,” and if they say, “I mean for work,” you can reply, “Yeah, I guess it’s a lotta work.” And so on.
• Pledge to drink your coffee black from now on, and with no sugar.
• Pledge to take better care of your teeth.
• Read the post Undeterred: A Critique of a Book About Life Without Free Will and, if you agree with that post, leave a comment below the post saying so.
• Try writing a Kroopian poem (i.e., in dactylic trimeter); you can check out this one for inspiration.
• Develop a Family Internet Use Policy and pledge to enforce it.
• Pledge to develop, configure, and use a “firewall for your mind” as described here.

Patron

• If you are a cyclist interested in helping kids, register with NICA, take the required training, and join a high school mountain bike team as an assistant coach.
• Next time you travel on vacation, take a train instead of flying.
• Switch from disposable razors to a proper old-school razor that takes double-edged blades.
• Visit the Velominati website listing “The Rules” and post a comment pointing out that most of these rules are silly (or however you decide to comment) and include this link: https://www.albertnet.us/2014/05/velominatis-rules-brilliance-or-bs.html

Cornerstone member

• If you struggle with smartphone addiction, switch to a basic flip phone (aka feature phone) such as this one or something similar, and get rid of your smartphone so you won’t go back.
• If your email inbox is currently and perennially a mess, achieve Inbox Zero and pledge to maintain it.

Baller

• Switch from the QWERTY keyboard layout to Dvorak. Click here for details.

The albertnet Honor Roll

Here’s where I list the Friends, Supporters, Patrons, Cornerstone Members, and Ballers! If you don’t see anything below, you got here too early. Get going on your pledge(s) and maybe you’ll be among the first listed!

Friends

Your name could be here!

Supporters

Who’ll be the first?

Patrons

Can you imagine your profile pic or logo here? Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Cornerstone Members

Who will reach this exalted teir?

Ballers

Will anybody survey the blogosphere from this magnificent summit?

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Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

More Advice From a MAMIL

Dear MAMIL,

In my regular “non-cycling” life I like to think I’m a natty dresser. I don’t skimp on my cycling kit, either. And yet I get the sense that when I roll up to the coffee shop for a group ride, the other guys are kind of snickering at me. What am I doing wrong?

John D, Oakland, CA

Dear John,

Right off the bat, I’d guess this is all in your head. Your cycling pals could be snickering about anything, or nothing, or the snickering could be a figment of your imagination. That said, cyclists can be a judgmental lot so let’s proceed with the assumption that they’re actually judging your costume. Starting with your assertion that you don’t skimp on your clothing, I’ll advise that one can spend a lot of money and still look foolish. For example, you could be wearing a WorldTour pro team kit when you’re clearly not on the team, which 41% of a panel of veteran cyclists deemed “laughably Fredtastic” (i.e., demonstrating the tone-deafness of a newb). Or, you could be wearing Rapha in a cycling community like mine where we all shun that brand as overpriced hipster apparel too closely associated with Team Ineos and Chris Froome. Or, you could be underdressed or overdressed, or rocking arm warmers with a sleeveless jersey, or doing something similarly silly. But don’t sweat it. You’ll develop a sense of style on the road just like you have in your non-cycling life. If you’re impatient, go ahead and query your friends (however politely or bluntly you wish, from “Is there something untoward about my choice of apparel?” to “Fuck you starin’ at?!”). Or, consult this article, bearing in mind that “fitting in” is not a fundamental, necessary, or even commendable aspect of the sport.

Dear MAMIL,

I am somewhat new to cycling (in my late thirties) and have lately been doing group rides. A couple times I’ve heard this or that MAMIL talking about “digging deep.” I kind of have a sense for what this must mean, but can you explain it to me?

Virgil S, Louisville, CO

Dear Virgil,

As a former bike racer, I use this term to describe the kind of over-the-top suffering that we racer-types assume can only be achieved by the likes of us; that is, cyclists who have frequently found themselves in do-or-die race situations requiring the kind of massive effort that would frighten a recreational cyclist. Through trial and error we realize that we’re actually capable of more pain than we’d ever thought possible, because it means the difference between glorious victory and heartbreaking defeat. Do this enough times and you begin to think you’re special, and that casual cyclists couldn’t even begin to relate to what you can put yourself through. This is the essence of “digging deep.”

The problem with this expression is that if you use it outside your tight cabal of racer-types, and your audience doesn’t automatically feel included (due, perhaps, to not having raced), he or she or they may catch a whiff of arrogance in this usage. And then—depending on the pool of rapport available and/or the number of beers you’ve all consumed—he or she or they might give you a hard time about this usage, not just in the moment but repeatedly over time, almost as if to taunt you for your superciliousness. As you may have already guessed, this has happened to me with a pal who—though he hasn’t ever raced—recently completed a 400-kilometer ride. I don’t think anyone achieves that without digging deep. So use this term carefully.

Dear MAMIL,

You’ve gotta help me. I’m a teenage girl and the Lycra bike shorts my dad wears are disgusting. They’re so worn out they’re starting to become transparent in places! Some even have holes in the sides! It wouldn’t be such a big deal except he rides an indoor trainer and likes to parade around the house before and after his workout. My brother and I even chipped in and bought him a brand new pair of shorts but he doesn’t wear them, claiming he’s “saving” them for special rides. Would it be ethically wrong for me to “disappear” some of his worst clothing?

Lydia L, Portland, OR

Dear Lydia,

That really is a tough bind! Cycling clothing is notoriously expensive, and the Lycra often wears out before the chamois—so it can be difficult for a cheap bastard to part with them. Fortunately, there’s a modern solution: buy your dad a pair of baggy mountain-bike style shorts. I used to think these were pointless since they don’t have a chamois, but actually, that works in your favor: he can wear his thrashed old disgusting shorts under the baggy ones. A fellow mountain biking coach pointed this out to me … he is stoked to be getting a second life out of all his old road shorts. Give that a try!

Dear MAMIL,

I confess that I am officially a MAMIL, but I’m apparently still something of a “newb” since I’ve “only” been cycling for about five years. As difficult as this sport is, I thought I’d get some respect from the non-cyclists in my life. But instead they seem to cast aspersions. My sister-in-law said I’m at real risk for giving myself a heart attack, and a couple of people have said cycling actually reduces bone density. What’s the deal? Did I choose the wrong sport?

Jeff B, Columbus, OH

Dear Jeff,

I’ve been hearing rumors for well over a decade that too much exercise can damage your heart. Cycling sometimes gets singled out, because you can do it day after day. (Nobody runs back-to-back marathons, but lots of cyclists put in hundreds of miles a week.) I’ve written about this supposed cardiac risk here. The question for your sister-in-law is: if Tour de France type riders—despite making a living at this and being tough as nails—don’t tend to ride themselves to death, how could you? I mean, no offence, but if a recreational cyclist were actually putting himself or herself at risk for cardiac arrest, the pros would be dropping like flies. And would humans actually evolve to have the capability of working themselves to death? Statistically, the greater risk is when a middle-aged person who doesn’t exercise at all suddenly does something really rigorous. When I lived in Colorado we’d hear every year about some guy having a fatal heart attack while shoveling the snow from his driveway.

As for osteoporosis, it is true that very fit people, because they carry less weight on their skeletons, are somewhat more prone to it. Cyclists in particular can be at greater risk because it’s a low-impact sport, lacking the thumping-along of running that can help maintain bone density. Another issue is that you can sweat a ton during a really long ride, which deprives your body of calcium. So yeah, there’s something to this. But obesity is a far more common ailment among the middle-aged, so it’s not like cycling is unhealthy. Just add in some weight training to your regimen, and make sure your diet has plenty of calcium. Also, I once did a quick Google search on “is beer good for bone density” and apparently beer has boron in it, which is good for your bones. I’m not going to research this any deeper because I have the answer I want, and now you do, too.

Dear MAMIL,

What is it with the modern cycling sunglasses? They are so goofy looking! Have all you MAMILs (and MAVISes) lost your minds? Why not a tasteful pair of Ray-Bans or Maui Jims?

Julie D, Miami, FL

Dear Julie,

I agree. It’s hard not to find fault when you compare modern cycling sunglasses to classic styles like the Ray-Bans.

The problem is, as much as we’d like to blame the designers for deliberately making their product “edgy” (i.e., dorky), to some degree this actually form following function. I’m not in love with the looks of my own cycling shades, but they really do well at not letting light leak in from the sides, not fogging up, and being easy to stash in my helmet vents so I don’t drip sweat all over them during a long climb. A couple of times I’ve forgotten to put in my contact lenses before heading out for a ride, and instead of clomping through the house in my cleats I’ve just put on my prescription Ray-Bans, and I’ll tell you, they don’t work nearly as well. So maybe this is a matter of MAMILs choosing to feel marvelous vs. look marvelous.

Dear M. Hamill,

Can you put to rest the rumor that your car accident was a suicide attempt based on your humiliation over having starred in the “Star Wars Holiday Special” on CBS, a program so awful one critic suggested it could have been “written and directed by a sentient bag of cocaine”? I’m sure it was just an accident. And I know that TV special wasn’t your fault either.

Irving M, Irvine, CA

Dear Irving,

I think you’ve got the wrong columnist—I’m a MAMIL, not Mark Hamill. That being said, a quick Wikipedia investigation shows that the car accident happened before the TV special, and this article points out that during filming of the special he was still recovering from the facial injuries sustained in the crash, “under a thick coat of make-up and on heavy painkillers.” (Part of me hates to veer so far off my column's topic, but I don’t like the idea of you carrying around such a blatantly false misconception.)

Dear MAMIL,

Someone wrote in before about whether the real point of Lycra, for men, is showing off their junk. Your answer was totally unsatisfactory—you were clearly prevaricating. What’s the real story? Why can’t you admit feeling sexy is part of biking’s allure?

Kim G, New York City

Dear Kim,

I assure you, MAMILs and even their younger counterparts have no exhibitionist tendencies. In fact, I have seen widespread evidence of teenagers being as modest as possible. When I was growing up in the cycling mecca of Boulder, Colorado, a fad started among those teenagers lucky enough to stand on the podium after a race: they would put on regular shorts (Ocean Pacific brand, usually) over their cycling shorts, for modesty’s sake. After all, to be on the podium is to be right in the public eye. I myself partook of this tradition, but with my own spin: I would roll up the cycling shorts under the regular shorts, to be less nerdy, to buck (part of) the trend, and because I was actually trying to prevent that ridiculous tan line cyclists get. Here I am on the second place tier rocking that look.

I had some influence at that point, but not enough to start a new tradition, as you can see above with the race winner, Pete, sticking with the previous tradition. But later that summer, in the Red Zinger Mini Classic, he’d adopted my rolled-up look and—given his dominance of that 9-day event—had driven 100% adoption in the new style across the podium by the end. You’ll have to take my word for it that he and the second place rider, David, were still wearing their cycling shorts in the photo below. (I didn’t have a second pair of shorts handy this time as I’d ridden to the race, which goes to prove how unnecessary this tradition even was.)

The double-short tradition persisted until the bike clothing industry wised up and started extending the padding in cycling shorts in the name of modesty. Fortunately, this evolution was complete before I hit puberty. ;^)

Dear MAMIL,

What’s the deal with power meters and Strava? Why do we even use these? Sometimes I wonder if I’m just trying to make myself feel bad by scientifically tracking and documenting the decline in my strength. I know you can’t answer for me in particular, and I wish I could, but I can’t other than to say I’m a blind follower of trends. So: why this trend?

Larry M, Atlanta, GA

Dear Larry,

I think I can take a stab at this. Starting with Strava, surely it succeeds for the central reason social media in general does: repeated doses of dopamine through the social traffic of the platform—kudos, comments, etc. There’s also the gamification of it: the KOMs, the PRs, etc. I’m not on Strava myself, but a friend tells me it has age-group-specific leaderboards to encourage ageing athletes.

As far as power meters, to some degree it’s just a cool new toy which fits in naturally with all the tech that cyclists enjoy. Beyond that, I find that—since I’m pretty new to having a power meter—I appreciate how it actually helps me feel better about certain stretches I ride. There’s a particular part of Wildcat Canyon Road that always made me feel weak and worthless because it looks like a fairly steep downhill but actually isn’t; I always felt like I should have been able to go faster through it. Now I see that, though my speed is barely over 20 mph, I’m putting out close to 400 watts, which ain’t too shabby.

The other thing to bear in mind is that those of us who are middle-aged now didn’t have power meters in our prime because they hadn’t been invented yet. So instead of comparing my time up South Park Drive to what I’d done in my 20s or 30s, I’m comparing my power output on it to what I did just last winter. Not such a comedown!

Dear MAMIL,

At the coffee shop this past weekend I overhead a couple of MAMILs talking about “luft.” Apparently it’s to do with cycling caps. I’ve been at this sport for a couple decades but never heard this term before. Care to enlighten me?

Sarah B, Boulder, CO

Dear Sarah,

“Luft” refers to how a cyclist wears his or her cycling cap. It should be worn high on the head, not pulled down tight; the higher up and puffier it is, the more luft it has. Below you can see Miguel Indurain getting it right, and your humble columnist getting it wrong (due to youth and ignorance, I must point out).

Not long after the above photo of me was taken, my brother Geoff schooled me about the proper way to wear a cycling cap. He did not use the term “luft” but he got the point across, and I learned my lesson. To this day I always employ plenty of luft.

Dear MAMIL,

How do you veteran cyclists tolerate having practically no body fat, particularly on your butts? How do you survive and sit comfortably? I’m a regular guy and my butt hurts after pretty much every ride.

H.Z., Princeton, NJ

Dear H,

First off, not all MAMILs have low body fat … only the former racers who somehow tamed their appetites in retirement. It’s the huskier MAMILs that earn us the reputation for being the wrong people to wear Lycra. But even those of us on the skinny side are just fine, because the padding is in the saddle itself, and the shell of the saddle, made either of plastic or carbon fiber, is designed to flex in just the right way. The saddles may look barbaric and torturous because they’re so narrow, but really it’s just your “sit bones” that need to be supported. If there’s pain involved it’s either due to chafing, or the saddle being set too high, or perhaps the rider putting too much weight on his butt and not enough on the pedals. Invest in a nicer saddle and you’ll probably be a lot happier.

I say all this because even at the peak of my fitness I really suffered when I tried too hard a saddle. The modern ones seem to be a step forward. Some even have a big valley down the middle, which is supposed to spare your nether region, though I can’t tell any difference. Such saddles do provide a nice way to stash your sunglasses, though.

Dear MAMIL,

I’m not a biker and have resigned myself to witnessing it (and being baffled) as a bystander. And I’ve always wondered this: why don’t biking gloves have fingers?

Julie D, Santa Fe, NM

Dear Julie,

There are lots of official reasons. Many a cyclist would tell you the gloves are mainly for crash protection, to keep your palms from getting scraped up, without any need to protect the fingers since they tend to curl inward. Or you might hear that the gloves are to pad your hands but the fingers don’t bear any weight, and/or the gloves are fingerless so they’ll be cooler. But I’m going to give you the truth. The number one reason for cycling gloves is that soft fabric, almost like terrycloth, on the back of the glove, between the base of the thumb and the wrist, which is used for wiping the snot from your nose. Other than that, most cyclists wouldn’t wear gloves at all. And cycling gloves are fingerless to facilitate nose picking. I know this is gross but that’s just the way this sport is.

A MAMIL is a syndicated journalist whose advice column, “Ask a MAMIL,” appears in over 0 blogs worldwide.

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Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.