Showing posts with label Mathieu van der Poel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mathieu van der Poel. Show all posts

Sunday, April 12, 2026

Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2026 Paris-Roubaix

Introduction

This race needs no introduction. But this blog post does, if you’re new to my blow-by-blow reporting, which is biased because I’m a blogger, not a killjoy journalist. My first bias: Tadej Pogacar (UAE Team Emirates XRG) wins too much and needs to not take victory here today. If he did, he would have won all the Monuments in a single season, which would make the sport look like a joke.


Biased Blow-By-Blow — Paris-Roubaix 2026

As I join the action, the riders have 65 kilometers and 13 cobblestoned sections to go. Phil Liggett is announcing and has offered up a brilliant insight: “Every rider has ridden to the level of their capacity because they all want to beat Tadej Pogacar.” Odd verb tense … meaning they have ridden that way so far, but no longer are? Have they given up? Should Phil?

Okay, before we get too far into the footage, here’s a little pop quiz for you: what do Pogacar, pre-race favorite Mathieu Van der Poel (Alpecin-Premier Tech), and the Russian-American writer Gary Shteyngart all have in common? I put this to my online correspondent, who is both a cycling and a Shteyngart fan, but he failed the quiz. The answer? They all rock expensive watches.


That’s a classic Shteyngart Instagram setup there: food, drink, fancy watch all prominently featured. Of course, Shteyngart isn’t as much of a baller as the racers. His most expensive watch, a Patek Philippe, is worth only about $100K. The Richard Mille on Van der Poel’s wrist above goes for over $400K, and Pogacar’s is surely right around that much. (Not that these riders have to pay for them. In fact, it’s probably an elaborate insurance scam.)

Okay, enough of that—back to the race. There is a group of nine off the front, which features Pogacar. They have just over thirty seconds on a small chase group that includes Van der Poel, who is doing most of the work.


Pilippo Ganna (Ineos Grenadiers) decides to be the exception that proves the rule.


No, your vision is not failing. These are really bad pictures. Peacock blocks screen grabs. I’m holding my phone camera as still as possible but I’ve had a lot of coffee.

Up ahead, Wout Van Aert (Team Visma-Lease a Bike) attacks!


Who is this jackass in the black shirt waving at the camera? How is the camera more interesting to him than the actual race? What’s he gonna say later? “Yeah, I was at the race, but somehow my back was turned when the racers went by. But hey, I was on TV!”

Only Pogacar is able to bridge up to Van Aert! The breakaway is suddenly in shambles!


“Everybody is giving a hundred and ten cents,” Phil says cryptically. After a pause to collect himself, he says, uncertainly, “Uh, percent.”

Van Aert continues to drill it! Pogacar is just holding his wheel!


Daaaaaamn, Van Aert is going so hard he’s gapped Pogacar!


Behind, the original breakaway has come back together, and I think they’ve merged with the VdP group, but the gap is 23 seconds. Ganna drops back to air out his armpits, one at a time.


No, actually, it appears he’s signaling a wheel change. He has a flat tire, bummer! With these modern through-axles a wheel change could take like 30 seconds, so he better hope they have a bike for him. Fun fact: it used to be that to signal a front flat, you would raise your left arm; for a rear flat, your right. That way the mechanic knew which wheel to bring. I guess these days it’s always a whole bike they bring, since Ganna has a rear flat but is holding up his left arm.

The gap is still hovering at around 25 seconds to the VdP group, despite all the crazy action at the front. I wish I knew how VdP missed the original break of nine. I gambled today that I could get up at a reasonable hour (quarter to six) and still catch the main action of the race. I lost.

Now Pogacar pulls through. I wonder why he’s not leaning farther forward, to be more aero, considering he’s in what could be the winning move in the biggest one-day race on the calendar. Maybe he’s just being nice, giving Van Aert the best draft possible?


It looks like Mads Pedersen [Lidl-Trek] is the only rider still ahead who was in that break. So here’s a question for you: if the peloton determined that this guy doped more than average, would they nickname him Meds Pedersen? Or would that endanger the omertà?

Laurence Pithie (Red Bull – BORA – Hansgrohe) crashes!


What a pithie. Er, pity. There’s never a good time to crash but I feel like the fate of the race is unfolding at this very moment.

“Pedersen is a wise old man,” Phil projects optimistically and pointlessly.

Gosh, the gap is up to 41 seconds. The chase group is fracturing a bit. It looks like Pithie never made it back on.

VdP has dirt on his chin. How? Or is that Oreo residue?


Amazingly, the gap is coming down. It’s 35 seconds. It’s so refreshing to see anybody closing in on Pogacar. I guess I should acknowledge that it’s not just Pogacar, it’s Pogacar and Van Aert. Technically this is a two-man breakaway, which is normally far more dangerous than a guy going solo, but honestly, let’s admit this is Pogacar doing his normal solo breakaway and Van Aert happens to be with him, like a fly that finds its way into your car and travels with you all the way to Pittsburgh. It’s not even remarkable that Van Aert isn’t doing his share of the work. Pogacar would never expect him to. Within the peloton, Pogacar has the same role I have around my house when it comes to jars. If there’s an unopened jar with too tight a lid, my wife simply hands it to me and I open it. I never say anything like, “Have you tried everything? Did you run hot water over it? Did you whack it with a knife, or use that floppy nubby rubber disc thingy we can never find? Why should I have to open this? How are you ever going to get better at this without trying? What if I went on a business trip and wasn’t here to do it?” That would be silly. Of course I just open the jar, because (having the hand strength of a former bike mechanic) I’m the logical person to do it, just like Pogacar is the obvious person to lead a breakaway the entire time. He’s just better at it. He’d never say to Van Aert (or anyone else), “Why don’t you help pull?” That would be silly. The obvious answer, “Because I’m not you,” doesn’t need to be said. It’s like for Pogacar to ever draft anybody would be an unfair advantage.

Take last weekend’s Tour of Flanders, for example. Pogacar and VdP were in a breakaway together, and VdP pulled only occasionally. During the post-race interview, VdP was asked if he’d been toying with Pogacar by not doing his fair share of the work. VdP looked perplexed and said, “I did my pulls. Not very many, but it wasn’t necessary. Tadej was just glad to get a little rest here and there.” (I admit I normally make shit up when transcribing rider interviews, but that bit I rendered as faithfully as memory allows.)

Whoa, VdP overcooks a curve and goes into the grass! What happened there?


It wasn’t a tight curve … maybe he just zoned out? (Yeah, of course I’m just playin’ with you. VdP’s focus is of course extreme.)

They’re recapping what’s happened so far. Pogacar has had two bike changes, and VdP at least one, and it was a disaster because he got a bike from a teammate but his cleats weren’t compatible with the pedals on it. That would never happen in amateur cycling because club racer types like me have encyclopedic knowledge of everybody’s equipment selections. (I once had some great mischievous fun debating Speedplay vs. Look with a pal over email. I actually don’t have any strong feelings about pedals whatsoever, I was just baiting the guy, and it was great, he got really worked up.)

The gap is back up to 43 seconds and man, it’s looking like a two-man race. On this fairly flat course, I can’t imagine Pogacar riding a baller like Van Aert off his wheel, but he also shouldn’t be able to beat him in a sprint. I wonder if Pogacar remembers how to attack in a one-day race. Typically he doesn’t need to, he just goes so hard everyone gets sawed off, one by one, even VdP last week. That’s not going to work today, not without a hard climb to play with.

Ah, I have a text from my online correspondent! Probably some scintillating insight on this race! The text reads, “So how did they start calling it Botswain? Ball sweat is a better name.” So he’s continuing our conversation from last night, when I Beck’sted him a photo of my Trader Joe’s house brand IPA.


So much for illuminating commentary … my correspondent joined the action even later than I did.

Van Aert goes to the front and immediately the gap starts shrinking. This is what happens when somebody besides Pogacar pulls. It’s crazy that Pogacar’s dominance is so extreme, and what that’s doing to the sport. No longer is it man vs. man; it’s really peloton vs. Pogacar.


As if to prove my point about Van Aert’s insufficient speed, Pogacar impatiently takes the lead again and the gap goes back out to 43 seconds.

Back in the chase group, VdP is getting some cooperation from the others but it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to help. They won’t be going fast enough on the front, since he’s as physically superior to them as Pogacar is to Van Aert, and yet he can’t do the whole chase alone.

Even though I pay actual money for Peacock Premium or whatever it’s called, I still have to sit through commercials. They’re showing an ad for Disneyland. Which is really absurd.  I mean, who would get up this early on a Sunday morning to watch Paris-Roubaix other than a middle-aged man? And what middle-aged man would want to go to Disneyland, ever? The Walt Disney Company should only advertise during children’s programming, to get the children begging their parents to go. Fun fact: my wife and I never took our kids to Disneyland. We flat refused. And yet as far as I know, these kids aren’t even in therapy.


The man in the photo above is not a father, I hasten to point out. He’s a grandfather, more than happy to take his granddaughter to Disneyland. He’s about to ask her, “Will this be your first time trying LSD?”

Amazingly, the gap is now coming down! VdP is riding like a beast because with only 18 kilometers to go, he must know time is running out. “This is the cord in the elastic,” Phil says. I’ve never heard this metaphor extended in that way, and I’m not sure I understand it. I mean, some garments (e.g., pajama bottoms, Sansabelt trousers like Phil wears) have an elastic waistband, and others have a drawstring (aka cord), but does any garment feature both? I think not.

The gap is down to 28 seconds! Pogacar looks back at Van Aert as if to say, “Can you help me with this jar?” Van Aert doesn’t need to say anything. His face says it all.


The gap is down to 18 seconds and now Pogacar drills it a lot harder on the front. He was probably loafing until now. The gap quickly goes back out to 23 seconds.

I’ve been wondering how VdP missed that nine-man breakaway and my online correspondent texts, “Reading thru the cyclingnews feed, it looks like VdP needed a bike change which put him 1:30 down and then he flatted a bit later and was as much as 2:00 down until he got going again.” Man, terrible luck.

With only 12 kilometers left, the gap is up to 28 seconds. Almost all the footage now is of the leading duo because everything behind them has become irrelevant.


Van Aert is pulling surprisingly often. Perhaps he’s figuring if it somehow ends up in a sprint and he wins, he doesn’t want anyone accusing him of being a wheel-sucker. Or who knows, maybe he’s actually got better legs!

They’re heading to the penultimate cobbled sector, and if memory serves, the last sector is a joke. So this may be where the final move is made. It’s a three-star section, with one Yelp reviewer complaining, “Good latté but the guy said the coffee cake was baked that day but it was totally stale.”

Van Aert must be feeling pretty good to still be taking pulls when it’s clearly unnecessary. In the chase group VdP isn’t even leading that much. He’s racing for third at this point.


Van Aert takes a long pull, oddly long, without Pogacar coming through, like he’s starting to play games. Van Aert flicks his elbow. Pogacar finally pulls through.

It happens again: Pogacar leaves Van Aert on the front instead of pulling through. Again Van Aert flicks his elbow. This is how I feel when my wife asks me to take over at the stove halfway through her dinner prep. I’m like, how do I know when the corn-on-the-cob is done? I can’t cook, I’m just the jar guy!

Tim Van Dijke (Red Bull – BORA – Hansgrohe) attacks the chase group! VdP chases him down.

The cobbles are basically done, and Pogacar hasn’t shed Van Aert. With 2.4 kilometers left, we might have a race here! I text my correspondent, “Needless to say, I would LOVE to see this come down to a sprint with Van Aert winning.” He replies, “Me too!”

Now, in the chase group, Jasper Stuyven (Soudal Quick Step) attacks! He immediately gets a huge gap!


Not much response from this so-called chase group. I suspect for its members it’s more like the “can this just be over already?” group.

And now the leaders are on the velodrome! Pogacar leads, perhaps unwisely.


Pogacar looks back as if to say, “Care to lead this out, Wout?”

They come past the finish line and the bell is ringing! One lap to go!

And now, just before the final curve, Van Aert makes his move!


He immediately pulls ahead, he’s freakin’ flying!


The gap widens!


They round the bend for the final stretch and Pogacar is still giving it everything, still in the hunt, now in the draft!


Van Aert is closing in on the line and it looks like he’s got it! He looks over his shoulder to make sure.


And he’s got the win! Unbelievable! Van Aert finally conquers Paris-Roubaix!


Jasper Stuyven (Soudal Quick-Step) rolls in for third … evidently the chasers never did catch him.


It’s a tough sprint for fourth! VdP is up against Christophe Laporte (Team Visma – Lease A Bike)!


With a bike throw, VdP takes the sprint!


Missing the podium probably doesn’t bother VdP that much compared to not winning his fourth Paris-Roubaix. It’s a rounding error. Good on him that he wasn’t too proud to sprint for fourth.

Here is the top ten:


Van Aert is mobbed by cameramen. Are there camerawomen around him as well? Possibly. I guess that’s not really the point.


Van Aert covers his face, surely feeling overwhelmed.


VdP comes over to congratulate him. Note the Euro-mullet.


Now Van Aert spots a friend or staffer, runs to him, and jumps into his arms.


Wow, that took some confidence. Van Aert judged that this guy would be able to catch him and hold him up. Imagine if the guy’s footing wasn’t good and he was just bowled over backwards, and if he were badly injured in the process. That would be an unpleasant footnote to this brilliant victory.

Van Aert finds his family and kneels down to engage with his small kids. Look at the cameraman in green, there on the right. What’s he pointing his camera at? A bird?


Van Aert high-fives his kid, who probably cannot remotely grasp the significance of this victory.


I’ve long been a big fan of Van Aert, based in part on a previous post-race family interaction. It was just after stage 15 of the 2022 Tour de France, and (as I described it here):

Right after the finish, cameramen milled around looking for the requisite heartwarming footage of riders in tears, hugging their teammates, managers, significant others, etc. They certainly got the desired response with Philipsen, but van Aert didn’t have much reaction at all. Instead, he tended to his little daughter, trying to wash her hands off with a water bottle. Sure, a minute earlier he’d been almost crashing into another rider at 40 mph, but now his fatherly duties took precedence over having some big melodramatic “moment” after all the action. Despite being one of the most prominent riders in the biggest bike race in the world, he evidently hasn’t forgotten that he’s just a guy. A dad

You can watch footage of that lovely family moment here.

Here’s Pogacar. He looks pensive, perhaps wondering, “How did I let that come down to a sprint? What was I thinking?”


Now Van Aert is being interviewed.

INTERVIEWER: So much emotion. What  does this mean for you?

WOUT: It means everything to me. I first did this race eight years ago, and ever since it’s been my goal. I was 18 and that year I lost a teammate, Michael Goolaerts [during the race, due to a cardiac arrest]. Ever since then it’s been my goal to come here and point my finger to the sky. This victory is for Michael, but especially for his family, for his wife Marianne, for Christophe, and all my friends and teammates from my previous team. It was a really tough day, and ever since that day, so many times I was so unlucky in this race, but it brought me also experience, so even today when luck was not on my side, I kept believing in it, and finally the reward is there.

INTERVIEWER: Everybody was talking about Tadej, about Van der Poel, but you, you never stopped believing.

W: I did stop believing, a lot of times, but the next day I always woke up and fought for it again, and honestly there’s no more beautiful way than going to the line with the world champion, and he gave me such a hard time, beating him in the sprint mano a mano is something really special for me.

INTERVIEWER: Take me through the final, what was going through your mind?

WOUT: When I saw the velodrome I was just sticking to my plan. In my dreams and in my preparation I pictured this sprint so many times, so I knew exactly what to do. The hardest part was getting to the velodrome I would say, there’d been so many attacks on the day, I was at the limit to stay on his wheel, and  yeah, it was all worth it.

INTERVIEWER: There were a lot of tough moments for you [this season], a lot of injuries, a lot of crashes, so to win here, this is a tidal win.

WOUT: Yeah, exactly, it’s such a chaotic race, everybody coming to the line has his own story and that’s what makes it so beautiful. It can be hard but on a day like this it’s the best race there is.


If you’ve read my race reports before, you might be scratching your head right now and thinking, “Weird, that interview transcript actually sounds plausible!” It is the case that normally I stray pretty far from verbatim on these, putting all kinds of words in people’s mouths to make the interview interesting. But this was such a huge win for Van Aert, and his actual words so heartfelt and meaningful, I think clowning around would have been inappropriate.

I just updated my wife on the race, telling her that the guy I’d hoped would win, but who I didn’t think had much of a chance, did win. “Who was that?” she asked, automatically, almost accidentally, in accordance with a habit she formed as a journalist twenty years ago. I told her, excitedly, “Wout van Aert!” She replied, “You say that like I would know who you’re even talking about, like I’ve ever heard of Woof Van Aert!” Woof. I love it. A new nickname is born!

And now (over two hours later, following the finish of the women’s race) the winners mount the podium. Pogacar gets his rock trophy for second place and looks thoughtful. Already thinking about next year, perhaps?


Van Aert hoists his trophy and is stoked! Look at the cheeky French dignitary photo-bombing the podium, eclipsing Stuyven.


The riders take their hats off for the Belgian national anthem. What is up with Pogacar’s goofy two-tone hair? It’s even worse on proper video vs. the crappy photo I was able to get.


And now Van Aert congratulates Franziska Koch (FDJ United - Suez), winner of today’s Paris-Roubaix Femmes, which finished just before the podium ceremony.


In case you’re wondering, Koch was in a three-up breakaway with two Visma - Lease A Bike riders, Marianne Vos and last year’s winner, Pauline Ferrand-Prévot, and managed to beat them in the sprint. But that’s a whole other story, a whole other race I wasn’t able to cover today.

Before I wrap up, I want to say one more thing: obviously I wasn’t rooting for Pogacar today, but I don’t hold anything against him other than being too dominant. And while it seems unrealistic for a stage racer to contest these spring classics, I have to honor Pogacar for trying. It’s a big risk to ride a dangerous course like Paris-Roubaix, and I like to see him putting panache before prudence.

But to summarize today’s race: GO WOOF!

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Sunday, April 7, 2024

Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2024 Paris-Roubaix

Introduction

Sometimes the infamous “Hell of the North” classic cycling race Paris-Roubaix is held on Easter, which is tricky if I’m supposed to be entertaining guests and/or my children. This year the only obstacle to my watching—and reporting—live is my own sloth, since it’s 6 a.m. on a Sunday. But I’m up, and have my coffee, strong coffee in fact, and that means (as usual) I won’t be pulling any punches in this blow-by-blow report. If a rider is a known doper I’ll give you that background (with all appropriate vitriol); ditto if somebody’s helmet is goofy and needs to be ridiculed. This is the (low) level of journalistic integrity you can expect. Also: if Riley Sheehan (Israel-Premier Tech), who finished 13th in the Tour of Flanders last week, does absolutely anything in this race, I’ll zero in on him, for two reasons: 1) I used to race with his dad, Clark; and 2) ‘Mer’ca!


2024 Paris-Roubaix

Here is the course map:


Wow. Isn’t it funny how pointless the race seems, from that perspective? I mean, it doesn’t really go anywhere, it just snakes around as if by random. That map is so complicated, the race is already hard.

As I join the action, there’s a breakaway with Nils Politt (UAE Team Emirates) and Stefan Küng (Groupama-FDJ), along with some Swedish guy. They’ve got about 20 seconds with about 70 km to go in the race.

“Danish,” Bob Roll says. “Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Swedish?” Phil Liggett says. Oh dear. Not these two again. I was hoping for the Eurosport guys, but then I’m watching on Peacock so this is what I get. If you come across any errors in this report, you can blame them on Phil. That gives me a lot of journalistic liberty, I now realize. Hmmmm.

They’re on a four-star section of cobbles. These ratings, by the way, are from Yelp users. I just read one of the reviews of this sector: “Pretty good rocks, not too slippery, and free Coke refills, but the riders were kinda rude lol.”

Whoa, a crash! Look carefully, it’s the background there. Some guy named Van Dijke.


The breakaway has been absorbed as though by an adult diaper. The peloton is very absorbent.

“They’re picking up the dust, and it’s getting through to the tires, from the looks of it,” Phil says. His voice is so agreeable, so confident and authoritative, it’s tempting to ascribe some meaning to his words … but so often I cannot.

Bob’s delivery has this chipper, upbeat flavor that is pleasant to listen to, but doesn’t really highlight the drama. I can so easily picture him narrating an elementary school crafts activity. “Well, it looks like they’re going to be doing papier-mâché, based on the newspaper strips and the balloons,” he’d say cheerfully.

Now Politt and Fred Wright (Bahrain Victorious) are off the front but they won’t get very far. The much-touted favorite today is last week’s Tour of Flanders winner Mathieu Van der Poel (Alpecin-Deceuninck), who has been so ballyhooed, I’d like to see someone else win just to make things more interesting.

OMG, Van der Poel must have heard me because he goes right to the front and drills it! How is he hearing me? Is his directeur sportif reading this report as I type it, through Van der Poel’s earpiece? That must be it.


And just like that, he has a massive gap!


Could he endure, solo, for 57 km? Yeah, probably. This year we saw Tadej Pogacar solo for 80 km in the Strade Bianche race (with a little help from his friends, and I don’t mean teammates). I’m not saying Van der Poel isn’t clean, mind you. But his dominance would be more believable if he weren’t breathing through his fricking nose. I mean, come on.


I don’t know, though. A 57 km solo breakaway? I mean, wouldn’t he get lonely? Is this some COVID aftermath thing where Van der Poel has forgotten how to socialize?

“They’re trying to chase but they’re soooooooo tired,” Phil says. I think he’s projecting. Why would they be particularly tired, this far from the finish? They’re professionals, and they’re not 80 years old.

The gap is out to 25 seconds with 53 km left. You know what? I’m tired of Van der Poel. And I don’t like his socks. They’re too tall, like the tube socks I wore in the ‘80s.


Tom Pidcock (Ineos Granadiers) is just sitting on the back of this disorganized, disheveled chase group. He’s an Olympic gold medalist in mountain biking and a cyclocross world champion, so I’d hoped he could figure in this race, but apparently not.


Is the chase group really “disheveled”? No, I confess it’s not, particularly. That was poetic license. I’m trying to keep myself awake because this race has gotten so boring.

“He’s the world champion, Van der Poel,” Phil says, as if helpfully. Yeah, Phil, I know what the rainbow stripes on his jersey mean. I think most cycling fans understand the difference between the world champion’s jersey and, say, the pride flag. (Van der Poel isn’t gay, as far as I know—I don’t pay attention to the riders’ personal lives.)

Come to think of it, I wish I were on X (the platform formerly known as Twitter that all journalists will always refer to as “X, the platform formerly known as Twitter,” because X is a stupid name) because then I could X (is that a verb, or do we still say “tweet”?) some irresponsible things like, “Amazing breakaway—will Van der Poel be the first gay winner of Paris-Roubaix?” That might get some traction because it would be perceived as the only interesting thing about this race today. (The difficulty in expressing facetiousness in such a short form is one of the main reasons I don’t do social media.)

“He’s just adjusted his cleats, and now he’s taking the corner!” Phil says. Bob replies with a chuckle, “Well, he’s not tightening the screws on his shoes, of course, but he is scorching this course.” I am not making this up. That verbal exchange did just happen. It’s so funny … these guys remind me of an old married couple, where the husband is always diplomatically saying, with a little good-natured head shake, “What my wife means to say is…”

Van der Poel’s lead is out to 1:31 and he’s still breathing through his nose. If that lead starts to drop, and gets down below like 20 seconds, all he’ll have to do is open his mouth, and that’ll be like firing the afterburners and his lead will go right back out again. Imagine how confident he must feel, knowing he’s got that Ace card up his sleeve if his legs ever start to hurt.


“Should he have a mechanical, his team car is right there,” Bob explains helpfully in case there are any idiots watching. I guess Bob is running out of things to say. And in fairness, that’s not really his fault. It’s gotten to the point that nobody even needs to say “Van der Poel” anymore, it’s just “he” because there’s really nobody else important in the narrative anymore. If you’ve read Wolf Hall, that’s the same narrative style that Hilary Mantel uses … throughout the book she never says “Thomas Cromwell,” only “he” and “him.” That’s why it’s so important to get our personal pronouns right … in case we ever become important enough to referred to only by them. Can you believe I’m rambling on about literature and pronouns? Trust me, it’s more interesting than this race.


How’s this for a headline: “Van der Poel crushes Paris-Roubaix … but does he have a crush on Pidcock?” I know that’s irresponsible. Pidcock isn’t gay, as far as I know, but without some kind of intrigue I’m going to give up on this race completely.

His lead is up to 1:46, which is actually interesting because I’m talking about Cromwell now. No I’m not. It’s Van der Poel, Van der Poel, Van der Poel. Blah blah blah.

He reaches sector #4, which would be good news if the numbers went up, but they don’t, they decrement. So he has just four sectors to get through safely, one of which (the last one) is so short and easy, even Cromwell could handle it, on a high wheeler. If you haven’t heard of a high wheeler, it’s another term for penny farthing. I’m not sure which term Cromwell would have used. I may go research that now, just for something to do. Stay tuned.

Phil just said, “Adri Van der Poel.” Bob, to his credit, doesn’t jump in and correct him. He pauses, surely squinting as if in pain and thinking, “Please Phil, please correct yourself.” Phil does, saying, “I don’t know why I keep saying Adri, that’s Mathieu’s father, I used to watch him race [back in the good old days when my mental faculties were intact].”

“He’s visibly flying over these cobblestones,” Phil now says. I guess he’s referring to the lack of any cloaking device that would render Van der Poel’s effort invisible. That would actually be a really cool innovation for this sport, if they could have cloaking devices. Riders would only get to use them for a set amount of time per race, or perhaps the cloaking device would draw down their strength and have to be used very strategically. So a good rider could turn it on, chase like crazy, and then suddenly appear on Van der Poel’s wheel. I guess it would take something like that to neutralize the Dutchman’s dominance.

“Surely [Wout] van Aert [sidelined with an injury] is watching these pictures with a little bit of frustration,” Phil says, “because I think he has a thing for Van der Poel and is very jealous of Pidcock.” Yeah, I made up that last part. It’s easy to put words into Phil’s mouth because nothing would seem out of character for him.

But what’s this? He’s overcooked a corner and goes off the road! Maybe he’ll stack and breathe new life into this race!


Nope, he saves it, and—interestingly enough—his lead actually increases by three seconds through this unexpected maneuver.

“The showers are very famous. Every rider’s name is engraved on the shower. Well, on the wall I mean. Of the shower.” Phil actually just said this. I think he meant every winner’s name. But how did he get to talking about the showers? I wasn’t paying attention (my mind having wandered to Wolf Hall and how engrossing that was compared to this race) and suddenly I hear the word “shower” which is one of the only words I’ve heard Phil use that isn’t a cliché. Perhaps he’s seeding innuendo.

Oh no! A rider totally stacks in a corner!


It’s Laurence Pithie (Groupama-FDJ) and man, that looked really painful.

While the camera was fawning over Van der Poel, the chase group behind broke up and is now down to four riders. Here it’s being led by Stefan Küng (Groupama-FDJ), who finished third in this race in 2022. But Küng doesn’t look like he’s trying that hard since he’s breathing through his nose just like Van der Poel. Or could I be mistaken about mouth-breathing being more effective? Is this Mona Lisa style some new aerodynamic thing?


Maybe Küng is just having an off day. It does look like his pre-race ritual was interrupted because he never worked that foundation into his skin. That’s not very professional, obviously. These riders are supposed to know how important it is to get their makeup right. Cycling is very much a psychological sport and a rider cannot show weakness, and of course cosmetics play a huge role. Studies have shown that the first thing a professional rider notices, on the start line, is his rival’s complexion, which is why foundation and concealer make such a big impact. Riders are often perceived differently if they have discoloration, under-eye bags, or blemishes. Fortunately Küng is blessed with almost perfect skin, which he’s used to great advantage throughout his career.

Jasper Philipsen, Van der Poel’s Alpecin-Deceuninck teammate, gets to just loaf on the back of the chase group, obviously. This means he’ll be nice and fresh for the sprint, and since he’s one of the fastest sprinters in the world to begin with, we won’t even have an exciting race for second place, unless Küng gets his face together, does something with his hair, and opens his mouth for the final sprint.


Here’s another boring photo of Cromwell. I mean Van der Poel.


Pithie seems uninjured from his gnarly crash and is now working well with Florian Vermeersch, Philipsen’s Alpecin–Deceuninck teammate, so perhaps they’ll catch the lead quartet of chasers. That would make it even easier for Philipsen to take second, making this race even more boring and predictable.

“If I just said ‘Adri’ I apologize,” Phil says. Which is kind of sad, because he hadn’t just said Adri; he’s simply doubting himself because he’s no longer aware of what he’s even saying anymore. I guess that’s partly my fault. Okay, now I feel bad.

Van der Poel is on Sector 3 now and his lead is now almost three minutes. Perhaps the only way he could lose now is if he got cocky and stopped to sign a few autographs. “But he’s far too clever a rider for that,” Phil does not say.

Not that you care, but leading the chase group is Mads Pedersen (Lidl-Trek), a former Wordle champion. It’s rare to see a top rider who also excels at word games. Oh, wait. Bob has just corrected me: Pedersen is a former world champion. That actually makes more sense.

OMG, Phil just used the phrase “suitcase of courage” for about the four hundredth time in his career. “But I don’t think anybody is going to catch Van der Poel before the showers today,” he continues. Again with the shower thing! Perhaps he’s just as bored as I am. Actually he’s probably even more bored, because I’ve only been reporting on these races for eleven years (my first blow-by-blow being the 2013 Giro d’Italia), whereas Phil has been reporting on cycling for something like fifty years.

Van der Poel is on Sector 2, which is only a two-star section. Here’s one of the Yelp reviews: “This section is kind of meh, just a bit of dust and dirt and a couple weeds not sure why such a long line overrated imho.”

It looks like the chase group is down to three now, having dropped Küng (who will surely learn his lesson and never, neglect his pre-race makeup ritual again).


Wow, with five km to go, Van der Poel is already starting to celebrate, giving his DS a fist-bump. Maybe with three kilometers to go he’ll try to give this guy a hug, which would be just the kind of dangerous move that might make the race interesting for a moment.


Is that white nail polish on his right thumb? Is that a thing now? I’ll have to pay close attention to Küng’s nail polish. What color did he choose?


“What do you do with a horse, do you tap it on its neck, when it’s about to win?” Phil asks. What? Has he lost his mind?

“He will be the first rider since Peter Sagan in 2018 to cross the Paris-Roubaix finish line wearing the rainbow jersey of the Wordle champion,” let’s pretend Phil just said. Van der Poel is now on the velodrome with a gap of three minutes over the guys we might call “chasers” if they were actually doing anything but running out the clock and waiting for the sprint.

Well, here it is. Thomas Cromwell becomes the 121st winner of Paris-Roubaix.


Politt makes a surprising early attack on the velodrome but it comes to nothing. Philipsen takes second!


Isn’t it remarkable how little my exclamation point did just now to make that sprint finish exciting? I guess you’re probably not very impressed that I predicted the outcome. I guess that doesn’t make me an oracle or anything.

They’re interviewing Van der Poel:

INTERVIEWER: You have just won Paris-Roubaix, having won Flanders only a week ago. Does this win have a different flavor?

VAN DER POEL: This one was kind of oaky and jammy, with a toasty undertone and hints of cherry. Kind of a fruit-forward win but just a bit tannic.

INTERVIEWER: Was it planned, to take off that early?

VAN DER POEL: I find it interesting that you use the passive voice, “was it planned,” because that’s rather appropriate in that it wasn’t really anything active like an attack. I just increased my effort because I wanted to make the race super hard. I know it was a tailwind to the finish line.

INTERVIEWER: Were you worried about a puncture or some other setback [since obviously nothing else could stop you]?

VAN DER POEL: Well that’s always possible but I had a support car, duh!

INTERVIEWER: It must be pretty special to win two monuments back to back…

VAN DER POEL: Yes, well, what can I say? I had a good hair day.

INTERVIEWER: Is it really as simple as that? [Tom] Boonen was practically bald, after all.

VAN DER POEL: I’m kind of at a loss for words, actually. I’m a cyclist, not a statesman.

INTERVIEWER: You mean, a statesman like Thomas Cromwell?

VAN DER POEL: Exactly.


Okay, I admit, I made most of that up. The bit about the tailwind is real, though. And the support car part, minus the duh part.

Here’s the top ten:


And now Van der Poel hoists the famous cobblestone trophy. Note that they were able to affix the plaque well in advance because they knew he’d win today.


Here’s a fun fact: I did some research and it turns out the stone used for the Paris-Roubaix trophy isn’t actually a cobblestone, which would be composed mainly of granite. It’s actually mostly pumice, which was selected for these trophies some decades ago when too many modern cyclists were unable to heft an actual cobblestone. So the rock Van der Poel is hoisting there is very similar to this one that your famously wimpy blogger was able to handle with ease (despite my Oscar-worthy grimace which is just for show).


Okay, full disclosure, I freestyled a bit with the trophy/stone thing. It is a real cobblestone as far as I know. 

Here is the final podium.


Well, that’s about it for this year’s race. I’m sorry if this report was kind of boring, but at least I saved you some time … this race took me two and a half hours to watch, and I wish I could take that time back and do something more exciting with it, like sleeping.

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