Introduction
In an
earlier post I discussed the merits of totally biased reporting on the Giro d’Italia
stage race. This morning, I caught the
last 30K of today’s stage—the crucial climbs of the Col du Télégraphe and the Col du Galibier. Below I provide my blow-by-blow of the race
for the benefit of anybody who may have missed it and wants a more colorful
commentary than is offered by the responsible journalists at cyclingnews.com.
My biased blow-by-blow of the final 20K of
Stage 15
As I join
the action, this lousy commentator, Declan somebody, is speaking. This isn’t surprising; he’s like the
ubiquitous iron pyrite to Sean Kelly’s occasional gold nuggets. “It’s exciting to seem them scrapping it out.” This pointless statement is only somewhat redeemed by the odd Britishism at
the end. Look, pal, you can’t make a
race seem exciting by simply declaring that it is. Besides, it’s exciting to begin with so if you don’t have something
intelligent to say, just be quiet.
The race is
approaching the Col du Télégraphe. What
would this climb be named today? Col du
Cell Tower?
I remember
this climb from racing La Marmotte, a one-day cyclosportif. The Télégraphe is the kind of Category 2 climb
that makes me laugh at anybody who calls some local climb an HC. It’s brutal.
Of course, you laugh at the Télégraphe itself in retrospect if cruel
fate has you tackling the Galibier next.
It’s incredible
that I woke up, without an alarm, just in time to tune in as the race
approaches this point. I’d like to thank
my parents, for not giving me an allowance and thus forcing me to become a
paperboy and lifelong morning person, and my wife, for selecting curtains for
the bedroom that are about as opaque as a single sheet of newsprint.
Cadel Evans
is removing his arm warmers. I’m glad I
didn’t have to see him putting them on, since I’m rooting for him. Putting on arm warmers is one of the more
dangerous moves in cycling: several
times my fingers have slipped off the top of them, causing me to punch myself
in the face. Not a good move, especially
as you begin a descent.
It’s kind of
fun watching the ads on Eurosport. There’s
something kind of amateur and facile about them, compared to ours ... Euro ads
don’t fill me with the same sense that I’m being manipulated subconsciously
somehow.
It is said
that the (movie) camera adds five pounds (or is it ten)? If that’s the case, these stage racers would be
kind of creepy in real life.
“The action
is starting to hot up.” This is the
second time I’ve heard this during the past week. It validates the assertion that “there’s scarcely
a word in the language that can’t be verbed.”
I don’t like this expression “hot up.”
Needless to say it wasn’t Sean Kelly who said it. He doesn’t go for such silly linguistic
novelties; he’s as old-school that way as he was with his equipment (last guy still
using toe clips, etc.). This Declan
clown probably says “process-eez” as well.
Robert
Gesink has attacked! Peter Stetina is
dropped. Kelly says, in so many words,
that Gesink is doomed. I have
to agree: the poor guy is hauling a
giant titanium rod up the mountain, inside his femur, and if that isn’t a
disadvantage, it’s at least enough to keep me making excuses for my own poor performance.
Gesink has
removed his helmet and put it back on, while climbing a 10% grade at like 15
MPH. He should get some sort of award
for that. (In the US he’d probably get
DQ’d.) I have no idea why he did that,
other than perhaps to show off.
He’s with
some Euskaltel bloke.
Some
announcers say “Hay-sink,” others “Guess-ink.”
I choose the former because my expatriate brother (over in Holland) says
they pronounce Gouda (the cheese) “How-da” over there. I usually try to be as Euro as possible, on
the theory that it gives an air of sophistication to my lifelong role of social
outcast.
Three guys
have attacked the main peloton. I’m not
going to figure out their names because they’re doomed anyway and their names
won’t matter in another few kilometers.
The
Euskeltel guy, Esteban, makes a gesture to Gesink that seems to mean “keep it
steady, no bursts.” Either that or “Keep
your head down, we’re about to be shelled.”
Betancur of
AG2R has pointlessly attacked. I say “pointless”
because AG2R seem to be the doomed-attack specialists. That said, Betancur had a great result
yesterday.
We’re
getting a super-slow-mo of Esteban’s hand gesture. Declan takes it to mean “Let’s slow down and
see who can come up to us and help.” If
so, perhaps he’s right.
A Radio Shack
and a Sky have come up. Kiserlovski and
Hanao. Gesink may well benefit from
having breakaway companions with proper helmets. Estaban’s helmet is one of these weird Orbea
ones that look like they’re on backwards.
I doubt it slows him down, but I just can’t picture anybody winning in
such a helmet.
Gesink’s
group is being joined by Di Luca.
Perhaps that’s just the kind of dope-fired muscle this group needs,
though the filthy soulless doper hasn’t had his dosages right in years, judging
by his results. He’s in this gross neon
yellow, including yellow shorts, so he looks the dork that he is. (My daughter would point out that actual neon
is never yellow in color, by the way.
But you know what I mean.) A
rider like Di Luca should be wearing a very dull, unassuming color because that
would be the closest thing to him just going away, which is really what needs
to happen.
Evans is
sitting a couple wheels behind Vincenzo Nibali in the peloton, looking fine. The way he holds himself on the bike, you can
spot him easily from away off.
So apparently
the leader of the race is this Movistar guy.
He also has a funny looking helmet, Catlike I think, and only 29 seconds
over the group behind him, so I think he’ll be caught. Then again, riders have done well with those
awful Giro helmets with barely any vents, so perhaps my silly-helmet-can’t-win
theory is bogus.
Wow ...they’re
showing some footage of the snow atop the Galibier. It’s like fricking Hoth or something. Unbelievable.
My wife
actually comes over to watch for a minute.
I tell her they’re on the Télégraphe.
She remembers this climb from driving the La Marmotte course with me a
decade ago. “It’s green,” she says—indeed,
greener than it was in July when we were there.
Now she’s lost interest. Her
interest lasted far less than a minute, actually.
Gesink looks
super-strong. He’s forging ahead and the
others are scrambling to close the gaps he’s creating.
Giovanni
Visconti is the Movistar guy. He’s finished the Télégraphe, which is to the
Galibier what paying your phone bill is to paying your mortgage. Having cracked at the summit of the Télégraphe
myself, I pity anybody in this race who has overestimated himself and overcooked it.
Visconti has
only 11 seconds on the next group.
I guess
these guys aren’t doing the entire Galibier ... the race promoters had to move
the finish line down 4K from the top because of the conditions. Cool, they’re showing a marmot up there,
immensely fluffy and not minding the snow.
Well, he’s not complaining, anyway.
What would that sound like? A
marmot complaining, I mean?
Visconti is
in a full tuck on the short descent to Valloire. He’s really hauling ass. It’s always a thrill to get to coast after so
much climbing.
Okay, Visconti
is a couple minutes ahead of the Gesink group.
There’s also a trio of chasers, though, who are only 20 seconds behind
him, but there’s very little footage of these guys. It’s hard to come late to the party and sort
out who’s where.
Visconti is now on the lower slopes of the Col du Galibier. This climb starts off bad and then gets worse, and then even worse.
Visconti is now on the lower slopes of the Col du Galibier. This climb starts off bad and then gets worse, and then even worse.
The chase
group is Pirazzi, Weening, and Rabottini.
Weening is starting to drop the other two. Everybody’s legs look heavy ... or perhaps I’m
just projecting based on how badly this climb destroyed me, twice (2003 and
2006).
Visconti
ditches a bottle and gets a replacement.
Based on how it smacked the road I’d say it was at least half full. Maybe he didn’t like what was in it.
Gesink’s
group isn’t really that far from the pink jersey group ... only about 40
seconds.
Every few
minutes I get a pop-up ad that blocks my screen for 20 seconds. It’s always for the Flash player and pretends
to be a system message from my PC advising that I need this Flash plug-in to
see the video. How stupid do they think
I am? I hate them.
Rabottini
has attacked the other two in his group.
I know nothing about this rider other than I hate his bright yellow
uniform. Surely he’ll pay for this.
Evans is
still two wheels behind Nibali back in the group.
There’s a
light rain, droplets on the camera lens.
Wow,
Rabottini is really flying. I hope he
knows what he’s doing. Actually, I hope
he doesn’t. But good on him anyway. I’m ambivalent. Who is this guy?
So, 9K to
go. It’s a pity they’re not going all
the way to the top, because it’s in the final few kilos that the grade gets
really steep.
Declan just
said “Hay-sink.” This is noteworthy
because he said “Guess-ink” earlier.
Perhaps Kelly has rubbed off on him, or maybe he’d rather be right half
the time than risk being wrong all the time.
I think
Gesink et al have been absorbed.
Pirazzi and
Weening are about ten seconds behind Rabottini.
Is there a pasta shape called Rabottini?
There ought to be.
Wow ...
footage of the finish, and it’s snowing pretty hard up there! Remember that Tour de France in 2003 where a
heat wave hit France, and Lance, the pretend leader, almost lost his yellow
jersey to Ullrich due to dehydration?
That was the same week as La Marmotte so I experienced that heat wave
firsthand. It was like 95 degrees at the
base of the Télégraphe, but still cool atop the Galibier, and there was still
snow up there then, in July! It’s just a
harsh summit all the way around.
It’s 6K to
go for Visconti and about 8% average grade from here.
Rabottini
may be starting to fade ... he’s 55 seconds behind Visconti now.
The peloton
is stretched out in a line. The hammer
has gone down!
Astana has a
guy on the front of the peloton keeping it steady for Nibali.
Some
Euskaltel guy has attacked. Olympic
champ Samuel Sanchez, perhaps. Two guys
have gone with him. He’s got 5K to
bridge a 2:19 gap ... he might do it. It’s
Damiano Caruso with him. “They’re not
danger men,” Kelly asserts. The peloton
does seem to have let them go ... or maybe those two are just going too fast.
I wonder if
I myself can hang on? I don’t know if it’s
the sight of this awful climb or what, but I’ve had a mounting urge to defecate
all morning. But I can’t bear to miss
any of this race! Don’t worry, if things
get ugly for me I’ll keep it to myself.
My wife came
in again to open the window blinds. “Is
it stimulating for you to watch this?” she says euphemistically. She knows me well!
Visconti now
has 1:07 to Rabottini, 1:51 to Sanchez and Caruso. But now there’s an ad for Support &
Advice for Caregivers blocking my view.
I couldn’t care less about caregivers right now. Sorry.
It’s totally
blowing snow now as Visconti makes his way, and there’s gobs of snow along the
margin of the road. He’s got less than
3K to go. He looks pretty miserable.
Back in the
group, a Lampre guy has attacked the (depleted) field. Astana is right on the front and this is
their move to cover.
My video
feed is breaking up here and there ... a problem with the satellite, or this
web server I’m connected to? I can’t
complain though because it’s warm in my house here and these guys are racing
through a blizzard.
Evans is
dangerously far back in this group. Uran
is bound to launch an attack any second now, and Nibali will be keen to
capatilize if he can.
Nibali has
attacked! He’s got a Lampre and some
yellow guy. Evans is grinding his way
back up as well. The field is in
tatters. DAAAAAAAMN!
The group is
less than two minutes from Visconti, who has 1.3K to go. Rabottini is being slowly slaughtered by the
mountain.
Two more
guys attack and Nibali is right on them.
Evans is drilling it to stay on Nibali.
Visconti is
under the 1K banner. It’s an 11% grade
for him.
A Colombian
has just attacked the group. He looks to
be about 12 years old. He’s just
darling.
Evans
attacks! It looks pretty impressive but
a few seconds later he’s been completely neutralized.
My kid is in
my face! She’s asking for my camera so
she can record a soap opera with her Polly Pockets! I can’t shake her!
She’s
gone. I contrived a difficult location
for her to search in for the camera.
That’ll take her at least a couple minutes. Not very nice, I know, but it’s coming down
to the wire here!
I think
Visconti has got this one in the bag!
He has 150
meters to go, though he’s barely moving forward anymore. Longest 150 meters of his life I’m sure.
He’s got the
win! Pretty good victory salute,
considering. He got both arms up in the
air, which I’d say took about 25 more calories than I supposed he had left.
A few random
dudes have dropped the GC contenders and will get the time bonuses, thus
effectively neutralizing the GC battle.
I guess the
lead group has crossed the line ... another dang ad blocked my view. Wow, the pack shattered toward the end
there. It’s onsies-twosies over the
line. Here comes an Astana guy who must
have detonated right at the end after slaying himself for Nibali all day.
Nibali 7th,
Evans 8th ... only 54 seconds behind Visconti.
They were closing it up fast there.
Super-slow-mo
of Visconti winning. Man: sheets of snow coming down.
This Lampre
guy not only has the ugliest helmet in the race, but probably in all of
cycling. A plain white dome, no vents,
and little pink and blue piping. It’s so
eighties. He should be relegated for
that helmet as it’s a disgrace to the sport.
No real
change to the GC.
At 23:00 CST
Eurosport will be showing the Tour of California. Right on!
I’m glad our race seems legit to the UK broadcasters and their fans.
A bunch of
ads now. There is this Eurosport ad that
hasn’t changed in like three years. They’re
certainly getting their money’s worth out of it, assuming it still has any
effect on the viewers. It’s not like
this ad is the reason I’m watching Eurosport .
I mean, where else am I going to watch the Giro d’Italia ... the
Nashville Network?
Hmm. After the commercials, I’m suddenly thrust
into the Tour of Norway. Oddly, it’s
much sunnier on this course.
Switching to
DEFCOM2, Rai Sport (in Italian). It’s a
combo of talking heads and footage.
Visconti has his weird stuffed bucket thingy and his flowers. He’s getting his kisses. The podium girls, in sleeveless dresses, are
real sports. Visconti is looking at the
champagne bottle as if to say, “Do I have to?”
He should be spraying hot coffee on everybody.
Okay, that
does it. I have to go see a man about a
horse. This concludes your albertnet
coverage of Stage 15 of the 2013 Giro d’Italia...
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