NOTE: This post is rated R for mild strong language, drug references, and excessive bitterness.
Introduction
As I’ve blogged before, there’s a benefit to bike race coverage that doesn’t try to be unbiased or fair. Sports fans have
their favorites and so should commentators. And it can be necessary to call a spade a spade on the basis of it looking, sounding, and smelling like a spade, even if the highest standards of journalistic integrity would require some kind of proof that it’s a spade. So here is my totally biased report.
Biased blow-by-blow – Tour de France Stage 8
What’s-his-face,
Declan, just said, “Guess-ink, or Jess-ink, depending on how you pronounce his
name.” Uh, dude? There’s usually a single right way. As a journalist you’re supposed to simply
find out what that is.
Anyway, Robert
Gesink attacks from the peloton. He’s
going after the breakaway of three. I
don’t know who’s in it because my feed just froze.
David Millar
is going off the back. Not sure if you’d
remember this, but there was a time he was touted as a future Tour GC
contenda. Oh well. I think it’s enough that he can win the odd
stage.
The riders
are all climbing the Col de Pailhères, by the way. It’s an HC climb. I heard one of the announcers the other day
describing the categorization system as being based on an old car a journalist
had. If he could make it over a climb in
4th gear, it was a category 4. If he had
to downshift to third, it was a cat 3, and so forth. If his old car couldn’t make it over at all,
it was HC. Not sure if there’s any truth
to this, and I’d like to know what that car was, but it’s kind of amusing.
Thomas
Voeckler is heading off after Gesink. “You
might call him ‘the housewife’s favorite’ but he’s bored with that,” Declan
declares. I’m not sure I like the visual
on that ... hair curlers meet single-digit body fat. Blech.
Pierre Rolland,
the Europcar leader, is dropped. It didn’t
take Voeckler very long to take advantage.
I guess he had a deal already cut with the management: “If Rolland sucks in the mountains, I don’t
have to wait.”
The countryside
is absolutely gorgeous. Perfect weather,
green everywhere. We armchair tourists can appreciate it in a way the racers probably can’t. I remember a journalist asking a Coors Classic rider if he enjoyed the weird scenery on the “Tour of the Moon” stage;
the guy replied, “What scenery?”
Sky is lined
out on the front. It’s only a matter of
time before Froome, and then Porte, accidentally drop everybody due to the
staggering amounts of lube coursing through their systems. It’s kind of like how a drunk can wander out
into a blizzard and never feel a thing.
Race leader
Daryl Impey is getting dropped. Where’s
your Orica-Green Edge van now,
Impey? (Okay, maybe that was uncalled
for.)
Nairo Quintana
(Movistar) has effortlessly bridged up to Voeckler, like a piranha chasing down
a goldfish.
Now Voeckler
looks like a goldfish whose tail section has been bitten off. He’s going backwards. The way his mouth is gaping, he really does
look fishlike. Now he’s absorbed by the
group.
Quintana is
really moving. He’s making it look easy.
Sylvain
Chavanel is falling off the back of the peloton.
Christophe Riblon
(AG2R) is the leader of the race, out front alone. It looks like Quintana has dropped Gesink as
he chases Riblon.
Declan is
describing the expensive road surface that doesn’t melt in the heat. “Being expensive is perhaps why it’s so
narrow.” This guy would be fun to have
at a dinner party, I think, but I can’t help but wish Sean Kelly would assert
himself a bit more and talk about, say, bike racing.
Quintana has
caught Riblon and now they’re working together.
They’ve got 39 seconds on the peloton.
Now Quintana
has dropped Riblon. Riblon’s shoulders
are rocking and I’m sure he knows that the fun and games are over.
Can Quintana
hang on for 32K more?
Pierre Rolland
has not only made it back to the peloton, but has now attacked it. I’ll bet he has some choice words for
Voeckler at dinner.
Gesink is
now dropped from the peloton. Declan has
just called him “Hay-sink,” so he’s now
used three different pronunciations, covering all the bases.
It’s a
little sad that Sky still has at least four guys at the front. There was a time when only one, maybe two
domestiques could drop a perennial Tour favorite like Gesink. Vasil Kiryienka is sitting on the front blasting
away like it was nothing. Kiry-who? Exactly my point.
Sportlemon.tv
has crapped out completely. Curses! I’m trying Hahabar.com. Wish me luck.
No
luck. Stopstream.tv, can you help? Well, I can see some footage, but it’s in
French.
Quintana has
just over a minute. He’s looking really,
really strong.
There’s some
snow up here. I think this stage reaches
the highest point of this year’s Tour.
The French
announcer is either talking about the course, or somebody’s heart.
Alberto Contador’s
Saxo Bank team also has several domestiques in this increasing select lead
group.
Tejay van
Garderen has been dropped from the peloton!
Cadel Evans is still holding tough.
This group only has like 20 guys now.
I don’t like
this French commentary at all. Those guys
have a different word for everything. (Yes, I stole that joke from Steve Martin.)
Okay,
Hahabar has finally come through and I’m back to my native tongue.
Wow,
Quintana is into the fenced-off section near the summit of the climb. He’s still looking very good, though his lead
is still only a minute. He’ll have to
descend like a maniac to hold off the group and still have an advantage at the
base of the final climb. It’s a category
1.
Rolland got
second over the top for some KOM points.
It is interesting to note that his teammate, Voeckler, did not. I’ve read that Voeckler isn’t very popular in
the peloton, and his behavior today surely won’t help.
Quintana’s
lead is down to 54 seconds as Sky continue pressing on behind at the head of
the peloton. There are 26 riders there
and maybe a few will catch back on so they can get shelled again on the final
climb.
Declan is
talking about the road surface again.
The other day he was talking about tectonic plates. I think he originally wanted to be a
geologist but nobody was hiring. Perhaps
his career counselor said, “Well, you’re a masterful bullshitter; how about
bike race commentator?”
Nicholas
Roche (Saxo-Tinkoff), who was dropped on the climb, just blew by Thibaut Pinot (FDJ)
on the descent.
Pinot is
losing more and more ground to the peloton; why is the cameraman documenting
this? Just to shame him later?
Pierre
Rolland continues to hammer as he chases down Quintana. He’s only 43 seconds behind him now.
Sean Kelly,
seeming to read my mind, explains that the camera is following Pinot because he’s
a top French GC favorite. Isn’t that
sweet, how the French still pretend one of their own could place high in the
overall? A guy named after a wine, no
less? Speaking of French riders, I don’t
know why Rolland doesn’t get more respect (from his teammate and from the
commentators). He’s certainly riding
like a favorite today.
Rolland is
only 25 seconds back. It’s the pack that’s
40 back.
Hahamon.com
is laughing at me now. Fortunately I
left the French feed open in another window so I can still see something. If y’all want to chip in and buy me some real
coverage I wouldn’t complain...
I have three
separate so-called English-language feeds now and they’re all in French. And the audio feeds are syncopated, so it
sounds like six Frenchman calmly arguing over one another.
OK, I’ve got
English but it’s Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen. If they mess up and use the word “Armstrong” to describe the action, I’m switching
back to French.
You know, I’ve
been watching for over an hour and I haven’t seen a single non-Sky rider in the
top three places of the peloton. They’re
like a bunch of robots or something.
The riders
have reached the final climb. This is
about six miles long so the 21-second gap really isn’t much.
Wow, Tejay
has lost three minutes on the peloton.
Maybe he’s still recovering from racing up Mount Diablo in his Tour
of California bid back in May.
Evans is
getting dropped! So is Rolland, and
Talansky, and Dan Martin! They’ve been
dropped by the Big Pharma reps on Sky!
At this rate, Sky will end up with all three spots on the final podium
in Paris.
Michael
Rogers is dropped. Not sure who else
Contador has left to help him.
Richie
Porte has dropped the hammer and the
lead group is down to five riders. It’s
Porte, Froome, Contador, Valverde (Movistar) and Kreuziger (Saxo Bank) as
Quintana is caught.
Froome has
attacked. His mouth isn’t even
open. He just looked back, casually,
like “Is everybody dead yet?” It’s
really boring to watch Froome attack because probably just about anybody you
could grab off the street could do this if given as much lube as Froome is on.
Porte and
Quintana are together. Kreuziger is
pacing Contador. Evans is back with Andy
Schleck.
Froome is so
thin he looks like the victim of some wasting disease. I can barely stand to look at him. He’s ghoulish and he’s ruining our sport.
Schleck and
Rolland have dropped Evans. Wait, that’s
not Schleck. Dang it, Phil!
This isn’t
even any fun to watch. It’s like Lance all
over again, except I’m not so naive now and cannot mistake an illusion for real
sport.
All my feeds
are frozen but it’s barely worth getting them going again. You know what? Froome can gargle my balls.
Contador
looks pretty clean this year. Perhaps he
fears a lifetime ban. I wonder if he’ll
change his mind when he sees Froome getting his yellow jersey in a little bit
here. Hell, I’d gladly give him some of my blood. At least Contador made it
look realistic back when he was lubing-to-win.
Froome is in
the final kilometer. The crowd is
cheering politely but I’m sure they’re not particularly excited. You know what this reminds me of? Bambi Meets Godzilla.
Froome heads
for the line. Oh, look, here comes
Richie Porte soloing in for second! Just
like in the Criterium International! What an amazing coincidence!
Here comes
Valverde, so we’ve hit the doping trifecta.
Contador
loses 1:45. But of course the race was
really won before the Tour even started, on the little island of Tenerife.
Talansky and
Dan Martin come in about 2:35 back.
Schleck
loses 3:34 today. Evans loses 4:13.
Holland’s Laurens Ten
Dam (Belkin Procycling), is in 5th in the GC. Very, very
impressive. Oddly, the leader board has
him as a Belgian. This guy doesn’t get
nearly the respect he deserves, perhaps due to his facial hair. Somehow, he hasn’t captured the hipster look
with his beard.
They’re showing a replay of Froome’s victory salute. Phil Liggett says of Froome, “He’s not the prettiest of bike riders, but he is the most effective.” He must have bitten his tongue to keep from adding, “At doping.”
Perhaps you
saw that Froome, in a pre-Tour interview, said, “My results aren’t going to be stripped.” Thou doth protest too
much! You’re supposed to wait until you’re
accused before you start lying!
Froome is being interviewed. “This is the
first real GC day, so to come out in first and second, this is a dream come true
for us.... That’s such a good way to start the mountains for us.” Such insight!
You know, it’s genius like this that enables a pair of riders, almost unheard of as recently as two years ago, to walk away from the best bike racers in the world in
pretty much every stage race they do.
Looks like
Tejay is going to lose about 12 minutes.
Of course, nothing matters now because the entire sport has been blown
up again. Or perhaps I was just being
foolish when I thought it might be cleaning up.
Wow, as
Chris Froome steps onto the podium, one of the podium girls sucker-punches
him in the kidneys! It’s a dream come
true! Okay, I confess that despair has
driven me into fantasy. Actually, you
know what a real dream come true would be?
If the doping controls actually worked.
It’s a disgrace that Bernard Hinault has to pretend to be happy for
Froome right now, and actually shake his hand, when this is all so obviously a
sham.
Another
group of really outstanding, and very likely clean, athletes crosses the line
over 17 minutes down.
Chris Froome
is on the podium for the third time today, this time for the KOM jersey. His calves are smaller than mine. You know what I’d like? I’d like to take Froome on in a good old
fashioned fistfight. All his EPO, extra
blood, and whatever the hell else he’s on wouldn’t do much for him there.
Quintana
gets the white jersey of best young rider.
If I’m not mistaken, he takes it over from Peter Sagan, who is still out
on the course. By the way, the green and
white bodysuits of these podium girls are ridiculous, but they’re by far the
best-looking podium girls we’ve seen today.
Voeckler
finally drools in, well over 20 minutes down.
The housewives will soon be reading “Fifty Shades of Off-The-Back,” just
as soon as I’m done writing it.
They’re
interviewing some white-haired Frenchman.
I think I can translate: “It
really didn’t matter what anybody tried to do in this race ... tactics were out
the window ... the only thing to note about this race is that Sky is absolutely
coked to the gills, a bunch of goddamned pin-cushions. It’s just too bad that Froome looks like such
a douchebag, because there’s no syringe for that.” (Full disclosure: it’s been over two decades since I studied
French and I’m not sure I’ve translated this perfectly.)
Both my
remaining video feeds have turned into odd displays of grey and black vertical
bars, which is a big improvement over yet another replay of Froome’s victory
salute. It’s so absurd for somebody to
look really excited about “winning” when he and his teammate go one-two yet
again, just like all season and throughout last year’s Tour. I’m pretty sure this will be my last Tour de
France blow-by-blow ... I’m going to go find something else to watch, something
more honorable, like cockfighting or pro wrestling. Thanks for tuning in, and I’m sorry I haven’t
had something better to report.
Love it. And might I suggest covering Luche Libre; those guys are seriously great fake wrestler/real acrobats. And, for the record, I was wondering why the commentators in the stage the other day didn't say something about a black guy not only being in this race but also being a factor; it's rare, so let's say it. I realize it could be construed as racist, but I see it as celebratory. Golf talks all the time about Tiger Woods being (part) black, after all (right? I don't follow a lot of golf, but I do recall that's been brought up a time or two).
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