Sunday, February 22, 2015

Fiction - Revised Blood Donor Screening Questions

NOTE:  This post is Rated R for pervasive mature themes and mild strong language.


This post is a work of fiction.  Certain brief passages are taken from an actual questionnaire given to blood donors, simply to provide context, but the rest are as absolutely fictional as you can get.  By the way, I highly encourage being a blood donor, and if you feel the need to connect the dots between this work of pure fiction and the act of donating blood, simply consider this a wacko commentary on the pre-donation questionnaires, which are arguably longer than is necessary.  Above all, don’t take this too seriously (i.e., don’t take it seriously at all).


Before you begin

Please read the this questionnaire carefully and do not just answer “no” to every question, even if nothing has changed since the last time you donated blood (and yes, we acknowledge that it is not possible that you lived for six months in the United Kingdom since you last donated three months ago).  Answer the questions carefully because we have made significant changes to this form.  For one thing, we have finally customized this version for male donors, acknowledging that questions regarding pregnancy and menstruation do not apply to you.  We have also added new questions as part of our ongoing effort to screen donors as thoroughly as possible, for the safety of blood transfusion recipients.

Are you… 
  • Feeling healthy and well today?    Yes□    No□
  • Currently taking an antibiotic?    Yes□    No□
  • Currently high on anything that you injected?    Yes□    No□
  • Currently a patient in a hospital who refuses to take your situation seriously, grins like Jack Nicholson, tried to grope the nurse earlier, and have sneaked out of your room to come here and donate blood?   Yes□    No□ 
In the past 48 hours… 
  • Have you taken aspirin or anything that has aspirin in it?   Yes□    No□
  • Have you even taken one of those “baby aspirins” that are so small you might be tempted not to count them?   Yes□    No□
  • Have you suffered a hangover so bad you honestly can’t remember if you took any aspirin or not?   Yes□    No□
  • Have you observed the “five-second rule” as regards food dropped on the kitchen floor?    Yes□    No□
 In the past month… 
  • Have you donated platelets or plasma?   Yes□    No□
  • Have you received 20 or more phone calls thanking you for your recent donation and asking if you will come donate again, perhaps on Monday?   Yes□    No□
  • Had any vaccinations or other shots?   Yes□    No□
  • Had any contact with someone who had a smallpox vaccination, even over Skype?   Yes□    No□
  • Had any contact with one of those lunatic parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids, considering vaccination a matter of personal freedom rather than of public health, and who should be sent to a third world country to witness an outbreak of a horrible disease that used to be totally eradicated in the first world?   Yes□    No□
  • Smoked a cigarette?   Yes□    No□
  • Smoked a whole lot of cigarettes, and are donating blood because you are rightly convinced that one day you will be undergoing chemotherapy for your lung cancer, so instead of the altruistic good deed we thought this was, you cynically consider it a quasi-karmic quid pro quo, you Machiavellian bastard?   Yes□    No□
In the past 12 months have you… 
  • Had a blood transfusion?   Yes□    No□
  • Had a blood transfusion at a county hospital, in which case we feel so, so sorry for you?   Yes□    No□
  • Had a blood transfusion from a WorldTour pro cycling team staffer such as a soigneur, masseuse, physical therapist, or “doctor”?   Yes□    No□
  • Had an accidental (or, what the hell, an intentional) needle-stick?   Yes□    No□
  • Had an ear or body piercing?   Yes□    No□ 
  • Had a tattoo, even the pretend kind like kids get at summer camp or for Trick-Or-Treat?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with anyone who is HIV-positive?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with a prostitute or anybody else who takes money or drugs or other payment for sex?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with anyone who has ever used needles to take drugs or steroids or anything not prescribed by their doctor?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with a UCI WorldTour professional cyclist?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with any cyclist who has placed in the top 20 in a UCI WorldTour sanctioned bicycle race?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with anybody whose blood has been analyzed by the Châtenay-Malabry laboratory?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with another male, even once?   Yes□    No□
  • Had a wife or girlfriend with an ear or body piercing?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with this wife or girlfriend, even once?   Yes□    No□
From 1980 through 1996… 
  • Did you spend time that adds up to 3 months or more in the United Kingdom?   Yes□    No□
  • Were you a member of the U.S. military, a civilian military employee, an ROTC dropout, a dependent of the U.S. military, or in a co-dependent relationship with an ROTC dropout?   Yes□    No□
  • Did you allow a citizen or national from the UK to sleep on your couch while he or she was visiting the United States to attend a music festival or Burning Man?   Yes□    No□
  • Did you eat any beef product that spent time that adds up to 20 minutes or more in the UK or in UK airspace?   Yes□    No□
  • Did you eat in a steakhouse in the UK, even a high-end steakhouse in Bath where the waitress assured you all their beef was from Spain?   Yes□    No□
  • Were you a member of a British cycling team?   Yes□    No□
  • Did you ever have a bicycle race bib number pinned to your jersey by a British cycling team masseuse, soigneur, director, or other staffer?   Yes□    No□
  • If “yes” to previous question, were you wearing the jersey at the time?   Yes□    No□
  • Did you spend time that adds up to 3 months or more self-identifying as an Anglophile and using words like “peckish,” “brilliant,” “poxy,” “nosh,” and “dosh”?   Yes□    No□
Have you EVER… 
  • Had a positive test for HIV?   Yes□    No□
  • Used needles to take drugs, steroids, or anything not prescribed by your doctor?   Yes□    No□
  • Used needles to receive blood transfusions or take drugs, steroids, or anything that was prescribed by your UCI WorldTour team doctor or his overworked, undertrained lackey?   Yes□    No□
  • Infused blood that you stored in a mini-fridge that (unbeknownst to you) your girlfriend often unplugged at night because the buzzing kept her awake?   Yes□    No□
  • Suffered scrapes or abrasions (aka “road rash”) after crashing a bicycle on a roadway used by a UCI WorldTour bicycle race?   Yes□    No□
  • Had hepatitis, malaria, Chagas’ disease, cancer, blood disease, or babesiosis (which is an actual disease, not a cute name for the crushing fatigue that comes from being a first-time parent)?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with anyone who was born or lived in Africa?   Yes□    No□
  • Seen “Out of Africa” with Robert Redford and Meryl Streep?   Yes□    No□
  • Seen “Top Gun,” with Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, in the presence of other males, who all agreed it was a great movie with ruggedly handsome characters who were “bigger than life”?   Yes□    No□
  • Had sexual contact with one of those punk rocker chicks who claims not to shoot up but does all kinda crazy shit and probably wouldn’t even remember if she did?   Yes□    No□
  • Fantasized during intercourse about the punk rocker chick you know in high school who maybe didn’t do as much crazy shit as everybody said but definitely had body piercings?   Yes□    No□
  • Fantasized during intercourse about being, or being with, a UCI WorldTour cyclist, team masseuse, soigneur, director, or other staffer?   Yes□    No□
  • Fantasized during intercourse about eating steak tartare at that high-end steakhouse in Bath between 1980 and 1996?   Yes□    No□

1 comment:

  1. This was by far the funniest fake blood screening questionnaire that I read on the internet all day -- maybe even all week!