It’s not back-to-school time yet, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the younger generation, it’s they they’re organized and plan ahead. So as a service to them, and because it’s a slow news day, here’s a college how-to guide from my archives. Enjoy please enjoy.
(A note on this post: it’s quaint to consider the advice I gave on how to kill time back in 1989, long before the Internet.)
How To Be a UCSB Student - January 9, 1989
Chapter One: Attending Classes
Part One: The Lecture
Don’t leave your apartment until five minutes before the lecture starts. That way, you won’t be the first one to show up. Showing up late has several advantages: 1) you can choose a seat in the back without losing face with the professor, 2) you can choose a seat next to a beautiful girl without looking conspicuous, since it will be one of a handful of seats left, and 3) you waste the minimum amount of time in class, leaving more time for what life’s really about: hanging out.
- Number of times arm tangled in microphone cord: 3
- Number of apologies (e.g., for overhead projector being broken): 8
- Number of times repeated the same thing, broken out by transitional phrase:
- “As I’ve said . . .” 6
- “Again . . .” 8
- “Once again . . .” 4
- “To repeat . . .” 2
- “If you will…” 3
- “As you know . . .” 4
- Number of times made the following announcement: “Please, those of you in the front, move in so that the people standing can have a seat. Otherwise the fire marshal will come in and kick them out. So just move in closer. I know this lecture hall is big enough.”: 2
If you’re somehow managing to keep up anyway, it never hurts to skip class and go play Robotron at the pool hall.
Part Four: Sleep
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