Introduction
I have a teenager who is a junior in high school and will
apply to colleges this fall. Through her advance work and the helpful advice I have received from other parents, teachers, articles, and the community at large, I have learned a lot about the modern admissions process, and want to pass this information on to you. Even if you don’t have a
teenager applying for colleges any time soon (or at all) you should read this anyway,
for the schadenfreude.
Note: the beer in the photo above was mine, not my
daughter’s. I want to be very clear on that.
College Application Frequently Asked Questions
Yes, it absolutely is. Your child is way, way smarter, more
industrious, and more resourceful than you, and yet won’t be able to sail
through the process and attend a top college like you did. In case you were
feeling pretty good about graduating summa
cum laude from a great school, just stop. You really achieved nothing. They
were practically giving degrees away back
then and you know it.
Is college more
expensive now?
Of course it is. By way of illustration, tuition at UC
Berkeley—which cost about $2,000 a year in 1992—now costs about $14,000. But
that’s probably not a good example because there’s no way your kid will get in
there. Nobody gets in there anymore, except a few insanely successful students.
Your kid will probably need to go to a private university, even
if it’s not a very good one. It’s unlikely she’ll get a scholarship anywhere because
all the kids are so much smarter now—smarter than you, smarter than your
spouse, and smarter than your kid.
Is it important to tour
the colleges my child is planning to apply to?
The conventional wisdom is that it’s pointless to tour a
college that probably won’t accept your kid anyway. After all, this will only
increase your kid’s heartbreak, while wasting your valuable time and money. But
let’s be real here. College tours are important for two reasons. One, the
college wants to see that your kid is serious about attending (in the event
they’re even considering her). Two, you need to prove to your kid that you’re
serious about parenting. She probably already resents you for having had it so
easy, the way you soared effortlessly through the admissions process all those
years ago. Don’t make things worse by being a cheapskate.
There’s a silver lining to the college tour, though: you get
to brag about it. “Yes, we took our Priscilla to tour M.I.T. last weekend. She
thinks it will be a great fit.” This might be as close as you get to being able
to brag about anything college-related.
Is there any chance that
my child will qualify for financial aid?
No. None.
Is there any hope at all for a good college,
or is my child doomed?
That depends on what you mean by “doomed.” If you mean she
won’t be able to get into a good college, then yes, she’s doomed. If you mean
she won’t be able to get a good job without a degree from a good college, then
yes, she’s doomed. If you mean her friends will be disgraced by her failure to
launch, then yes, she’s doomed. If you mean that she will resent you for her
failure, and that it’s all your fault, then yes, she’s doomed, and so are you …
this will haunt you for the rest of your life. Huh, come to think of it, this
question doesn’t actually depend on
what you mean by “doomed.”
You claim that nobody
can get into the top colleges anymore, but several of my child’s friends’
siblings got into the Ivy League. Perhaps you’re exaggerating?
No, those students are the exceptions that prove the rule.
And their grades were of course much better than your kid’s.
Is there anything my
child can do, beyond straight As and stellar SAT/ACT scores, to improve his college prospects?
Yes, if your child chases after every activity that could (say
this with me) “look good on a college application,” and manages to gain entry
into programs like digging latrines in Ecuador, enduring an unpaid internship
at an important-sounding company, launching a startup, and/or paying lots of
money for college summer programs, his application will be more competitive.
Does this actually
help?
Probably not. But he has to do it anyway.
Is there any value in
my child having fun, enjoying her summer, trying to relax, and basically being a kid while she still can, knowing that adulthood is forever?
Of course not. How could you be so naïve?
Do I need to remind my
child how much harder it is to get into college nowadays?
No, pretty much every single one of her friends, along with
her friends’ parents, her teachers, and her counselors are telling her this
every single day. So, if you don’t feel like rubbing it in, you don’t have to.
However, it’s important never to contradict your child when she reminds you of all this. Don’t you dare say
anything absurdly false like “top colleges have always been difficult to get into.” This just undermines your
student’s ability to blame the system for the cesspool of failure that she is
currently wading into.
Should my child be
talking all kinds of AP classes and exams?
Yes. These will (say it with me) “look good on a college
application”—but only if your child scores high on the exams. If your child
does poorly—which is probably a given, since the AP curriculum doesn’t match
the Common Core, and because you’re probably raising your child in an inferior
school district—than the AP strategy will backfire and make your child toxic to
all good colleges. The good news is that the experience of taking these courses
and exams will be really stressful, which is good practice for the rest of your
child’s life.
I’m concerned about
all the debt my child will take on, even if he goes to a mediocre college. Is
the cost of tuition really a good investment?
Probably not. The only people making any money anymore are
genius coders who launch tech startups. But since your kid isn’t going to be
one of those, you kind of have to toss the dice on an expensive education.
Okay, I suppose there’s still money to be made in law and
medicine. But don’t get me started on the ruinous amount of debt grad school
involves.
Is there any benefit
to going to college other than the possibility of realizing a fiscal return on your
tuition investment?
Of course not.
It seems intuitively
obvious to me that only STEM curriculums have any value, since the entire point
of a college degree is to increase your income potential. And yet, some
students do still pursue liberal arts programs. Why is this?
It’s because they’re idiots, married to antiquated notions
like there being value in understanding and appreciating literature,
nurturing curiosity around abstract ideas, knowing arcane things like the
plural of curriculum actually being “curricula,” and so forth. Don’t worry,
society will soon be rid of these helplessly impractical people.
My child slaves over
his schoolwork, is preparing tirelessly for his SAT exams, is
involved in multiple extracurricular activities, and has digested enough
information about the college application process to write a thick book on the
topic … and yet he is still totally stressed out about the process, with
little hope for a positive outcome. Is there anything else he can do?
Yes, he should continue to worry as much as possible. This
will drive him to unturn even more stones, because there must be some way to break through this
impossible college entry barrier.
You just used the word
“unturn.” Is that even a word? And if so, will it be on the SAT?
In fact, it is not a word. “Unturned” is a gerund adjective,
but this is one of those weird cases of a gerund that cannot be used as a verb.
And while “unturn” isn’t on the SAT, your child better know what a gerund is,
even though he’s pursuing STEM, because that’s just how this game works. Your
poor kid. You better go give him a hug.
Can things like hugs
make my child less anxious about college applications?
No, I was kidding. Hugging your kid is just wasting his time. Don’t be so
ignorant and sentimental.
Is there any silver
lining to my child ending up at an inferior school?
Yes: the coursework might be manageable. At the top
universities, where every single student admitted has an absolutely perfect
track record, there will be professors who give Bs and even Cs, which these
students have never received in their lives. The shock of this “failure” could
cause major angst, even complete nervous breakdowns. But your kid, who has already learned to deal with blemishes on her
record, can finally relax a bit once she is actually in college. Which brings us to our next question:
Are there good career
prospects for college grads these days?
No. Getting a good job was so much easier back in our day. In case you were feeling pretty
good about being gainfully employed, just stop.
Related reading
- The Truth About Elite College Admissions
- Is It Harder to Get Into a Top College Now?
- How to Choose a Major
- The Best Advice I’ve Received
- Going Broke at College
- The Importance of Goals - Debunked!
- Parables from the Rooster Father
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