NOTE: This post is rated R for pervasive drug references.
In June of last year somebody in my bike club sent around an article from foxnews.com about former mountain biking world champion Missy Giove being busted for trafficking marijuana. The article began thus:
Normally I do everything I can to respect the privacy of anybody who appears in this blog (e.g., not using his or her name), but since a) Giove willingly became a public figure through her racing, and b) she has behaved so very badly, I think all bets are off ( just as I felt in July of 2008 when I wrote a spoof about Floyd Landis for dailypeloton). Here is a fanciful faux newspaper article about Giove that I wrote and e-mailed my bike club pals for their entertainment. I include it here because it will tie in nicely to an essay I'm working on and will post very soon.
From the Archives – Missy Giove Busted
Any hope Missy Giove might have had to inspire a new generation of cyclists has ended following the seizure of more than two hundred pounds of marijuana from her truck. Giove has admitted to knowingly possessing what authorities have described as “a truly breathtaking amount of weed.” Giove contends that this was her “personal stash,” which she used in an attempt to alleviate acne.
“I had possession of a substance that they’re telling me is illegal,” Giove said. “Today is about my leaving the biking has-been limelight and coming forward to talk about acne. I don’t want to talk about drugs, it’s about moving forward and taking care of myself and my complexion. It is a very difficult thing.
“I woke up in custody knowing that I'd be talking to a few people—well, actually one person, I guess I only get one phone call—to make it official, and it really hit home and I am really sad. I am trying to see the reason why this is happening. A lot of people have acne and they need to get treated for it.”
Giove said she purchased the pot from several dozen independent growers, along with dozens of pounds of oregano that evidently didn’t help her acne either. “I’m not naive,” said Giove, who said she was fully aware that THC was an ingredient of the marijuana, and that it is sometimes regarded as an illegal substance. “I know people will be angry with me, like my roommate who somehow didn’t know I was holding and would have wanted me to share. I didn’t play my cards right and I’m sorry to have been caught,” said Giove.
“What I did was wrong and yes, I did have a suspicion pot smoking was frowned upon. But, I was going through a very rough rash of whiteheads and I was desperate. I had a note from my doctor, but I guess by ‘doctor’ they actually mean I’m supposed to find someone with an M.D. instead of what Roger has, which is only, like, a Ph.D.,” said Giove. She denied she used the marijuana to get totally high. “Did I take it recreationally? Absolutely not,” she stated flatly.
Giove’s mother, father, brother, and several friends unofficially diagnosed Giove with acne in 1991. She used Clearasil on and off for the next seventeen years, generally as directed on the label. But according to Giove, she took amounts double the prescribed dosage for two weeks in January when her face completely broke out in the wake of the nation’s economic crisis. When this failed to clean up her skin, she decided to try marijuana on the recommendation of her brother. She contends that she had no idea two hundred pounds was an excessive amount to purchase, since no dosage guidelines were provided by her dealers.
“There is no scientific evidence or basis for this drug to help with acne,” said DEA spokeswoman Erin Mulvey. “It is fair to suggest that the probability of THC clearing up anybody’s skin, even in massive doses, is inconceivable. There are good reasons to smoke pot, liking getting stoned off your fricking gourd, but to use it for treating acne, instead of using a proven drug like Clearasil or even good old soap and water, is very reckless. Meanwhile, I think it’s a foolish thing to keep more than a few pounds of ganja in your home or car.”
Giove’s de facto spokesman, who refused to provide his name, was unable to form a statement because he kept breaking down in mirthful laughter over Giove’s improbable predicament.