Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2024 Vuelta a España Stage 15

Introduction

The best Grand Tour is upon us. No, the Vuelta a España hasn’t surpassed the Giro d’Italia or Tour de France in prestige, but with the super-lubed Tadej Pocagar being insultingly dominant in those two, making chumps out of the rest of the peloton and all the fans, this year’s Vuelta has been the better show. Just 1:21 separates race leader Ben O’Connor (Decathlon AG2R La Mondiale Team) and Primoz Roglic (Red Bull – Bora - Hansgrohe) in the general classification heading into today. Read on for my blow-by-blow of the live action of what is probably the hardest stage yet this year.

Look at that final climb … it’s a beast. The profile lacks any scale, but it’s rare for the Vuelta to call a climb “ESP” (probably for “Especiale,” their equivalent of Hors Categorie, which means “beyond the ability to categorize because this one doesn’t go up to 11”).

Why do I call this a “biased” report? Well, look at what I wrote about Pogacar. You won’t get that kind of candid reporting—okay, speculation—from professional journalists.

Vuelta a Espana Stage 15 – Infiesto to Cuitu Negru

As I join the action, they’re interviewing Richard Carapaz (EF Education Easy-Post). I like Carapaz, but it’s a pretty boring interview. He predicts that today could be the day Roglic (a three-time winner of the Vuelta and the odds-on favorite) passes up O’Connor on GC. OMG, an oracle! Way to go out on a limb. Sheesh.

So, I’ve been watching for about 30 kilometers so far and not all that much has happened. A breakaway has formed, split, reformed, lathered, rinsed, and repeated. After all that, they only have something like a minute and a half.

Riley Sheehan (Israel – Premier Tech) is dropped from the breakaway.

Why do I report on this guy, of all riders? Well, for one thing he’s a baller, having played a pretty big role getting his teammate Michael Woods into a breakaway to set him up to win a major mountain stage a few days ago. Second, and more importantly, I used to race with Riley’s dad, Clark. And finally: ‘Mer’ca!

For some reason, T-Rex – Quick-Step is driving the pace on the front of the peloton. I guess they’re setting up their leader, Mikel Landa, who sits fifth in the general classification. It’s so cute that they put their faith in him, despite his tendency to fail to deliver. His career showed early promise but that was so long ago, I can’t even remember the year.

Stephen Kung (Groupama-FDJ) is dropped from the break. He’s way too big for the high mountains, though somebody should mention this size-does-matter thing to Wout Van Aert (Visma – Lease A Bike) who has won three stages through his sprinting, wears the green points jersey, and yet also somehow has the lead in the KOM competition.

Well, even though I’m paying actual money for my Peacock Premium “TV” channel (I mean, what do we call this over-the-top cable-cutting-whatever video service that has replaced TV?), they have the audacity to show commercials. While they’re doing that, here’s what you’ve missed if you’ve ignored the Vuelta so far. O’Connor achieved a massive solo victory in Stage 4, taking an unbelievable 6:31 out of race favorite Roglic. The fact that Roglic’s team let this guy have that much leash is simply unfathomable … disrespectful, even. O’Connor was fourth in the 2021 Tour de France and also fourth in this year’s Giro d’Italia. How could they discount his GC potential? My best theory is that the race organizers paid Roglic a special bonus to lose a bunch of time early in the Vuelta, to make the race more exciting. (Race organizers should do that with Pogacar … maybe give him some handicap like having to race barefoot.)

So anyhow, since that stage, Roglic has been ascendant, winning a stage and taking time out of O’Connor on several others. It’s been kind of painful to watch, like death by a thousand cuts. The interviews with O’Connor have been interesting, because he’s been resolutely cheerful and philosophical, never showing frustration. I think this is because he knows he came off as a bit of a drama queen in the Netflix documentary “Tour Unchained,” and wants to make amends. Also worth noting: O’Connor looks a bit like Waldo (as in Where’s Waldo).

Rounding out the top five, we have Enric Mas (Movistar Team) in third place 1:40 behind Roglic; Carapaz 12 seconds behind Mas; and Landa another 7 seconds back in fifth.

The breakaway now has about three minutes, so I guess I’ll give you some of the guys’ names. I kind of hesitate to do this because of all the typing required, since the team names are so long these days, now that we have gobs of small sponsors instead of one big one. If I were writing about the racing in Merckx’s day, I’d be typing simply “Bic” instead of “Decathlon AG2R La Mondiale Team.” It’s funny, the sponsorship changes so much, even the racers can’t keep up. In interviews riders keep referring to Team Visma – Lease A Bike as “Jumbo,” because it’s easy to say, even though Jumbo no longer sponsors the team. Oddly, though Jumbo is easy to say, every rider has said it wrong: they pronounce the J as the letter in Jell-O, whereas it’s actually pronounced like a Y, i.e., “Yumbo.” No wonder that sponsor pulled out.

Okay, where was I? Oh, right, the breakaway. It’s got Jay Vine (UAE Team Emirates), Pavel Sivakov (UAE Team Emirates), Aleksandr Vlasov (Red Bull-Bora-Hansgrohe), Pablo Castrillo (Kern Pharma), Quentin Pacher (Groupama-FDJ), Bruno Armirail (Decathlon AG2R La Mondiale), and Kung, who has managed to claw his way back. And in the time it took me to type all that, this group lost 17 seconds. They’re probably doomed. What a waste.

There are 44 kilometers left, most of them uphill once this final descent is over. I need to show you a better course profile, that first one was a joke. Here:

This climb is a beast. It gains like 6,000 feet! It averages 7.4%, and some pitches are well into double digits including the final three kilometers. A 2:45 gap could be closed just like that (imagine me snapping my fingers). On the plus side for this breakaway’s efforts, Vine is now tied with Van Aert for the KOM competition. So he’ll likely get to wear that jersey tomorrow.

Damn, this road is crazy steep!

It’s 24% right here, a fricking wall. And as steep as it looks, the camera really makes these climbs look flatter. (In this case there are two cameras: the movie camera actually “filming” the riders though I’m sure there’s no film, and my smartphone camera since Peacock is blocking screen grabs, the bastards.)

Wow, it really looked like O’Connor was peeing just now, but the camera discreetly turned away. Gosh, right at the base of the climb … that’s actually kind of the most exciting thing that’s happened all day.

The more T-Rex – Quick-Step hammers at the front for Landa, the more I worry about him. I don’t think he can handle the pressure. I’ve seen this before … whenever they sacrifice for him, he folds up like a house of cards. Maybe today will be his breakthrough. (Yeah … maybe.)

Okay, this is touching: look at the EF rider (in pink), with the bottle dangling from his teeth, pushing along his teammate who is either peeing or adjusting his junk.

And now, what’s this? Roglic is getting a new bike! Did he have a mechanical? He had one yesterday and had to do the last 10 or 20 kilometers on his teammate’s bike.

His teammates pace him back up. The commentators are saying it looks like Roglic switched from an aerodynamic bike to a lighter-weight pure climbing bike. If so, that’s pretty rich.

What’s next? Will riders start changing into a lighter weight jersey for the final climb? Maybe swap out for a helmet with more vents? A fresh pair of sunglasses that aren’t grubby yet? This sport has changed a lot since the earlier years when riders didn’t get any support at all and we're in fact prohibited from accepting it. In fact, in the 1913 Tour de France, a rider named Eugène Christophe was given a three-minute penalty because when he was welding his broken fork back together, the blacksmith’s son worked the bellows. (The fork on Christophe’s bike, I hasten to add. Nobody rides with silverware, that I’m aware of.)

Groupama-FDJ has two guys in the breakaway, but honestly, given the brutality of this climb I can’t see tactics making a very big difference here.

Roglic’s teammate Daniel Martinez goes out the back. If he spent a lot of energy getting Roglic back to the GC group after the bike change, and is now too knackered to pace his leader anymore, I’ll bet he’s pissed. The commentators are saying Roglic’s new bike has a one-by (aka 1x) setup, meaning only one chainring up front and a giant cassette in back, like mountain bikes have. I can’t imagine why Roglic would make special arrangements to get this because the same setup almost cost him victory on the last day of the Giro d’Italia last year, when he hit a bump and his chain fell off. So there’s something to be said for front derailleurs. Damn, are you bored yet? I’m reminded of something my wife once said to me: “Don’t ever talk about bike gearing to me again.”

The breakaway is coming apart as Vine drills it on the front, which he’s been doing pretty much the whole climb. Kung is dropped. I feel a little bad because I’ve been spelling Kung’s name wrong. The “u” is supposed to have an umlaut over it, but I’m just too lazy to bother finding that character. This laziness, along with a complete lack of talent, is why I never made it into the pro ranks of cycling.

The break still has three minutes, but given the considerable size of the GC group, it’s clear they haven’t really put the hammer down yet. It’s still 14.5 kilometers to go, and probably no rider wants to launch too early given how steep the final kilometers are. Hmmm. Actually, O’Connor only has one teammate left, so maybe they’re going harder than I thought.

The commentators keep talking about how O’Connor is like “a big diesel.” They’ve been saying this all week. It’s so funny—I mean, the guy is totally wispy, nothing about him suggesting a long-haul semi tractor-trailer. Yes, his legs are a bit longer than Roglic’s, and the cylinders of a diesel engine do tend to be on the longer side, but is this really such a great metaphor? Diesels have more hauling power, true, but how much cargo is O’Connor actually dealing with here? I just looked up his weight and that Google A.I.-generated summary feature says 187 pounds. Yeah, right. Investigating further I see they’re talking about some hockey player with the same name. Okay, the cyclist is about 148 pounds, so four pounds heavier than Roglic. Enough with the diesel thing.

The leading trio still looks good, but the lead is down to 2:26. I think Vlasov got himself in the break mainly so he could drop back and help Roglic with the attack that is sure to come. In fact, if Roglic is going fast enough, Vlasov may not even need to drop back … he’ll just be waiting for his leader to catch up, so he can provide a nice tow for as long as possible before totally detonating.

Man, Castrillo is totally dying. His head is swinging around like crazy. Could he be … dancing? Is there upbeat house music coming through his earphone? Or is it music in his head? Or have his neck muscles all but given out?

And now Landa attacks the GC group!

It’s not such a bad attack, though Landa needs to stop looking back and just go all-in. The peloton immediately explodes, riders going out the back with a quickness.

Just like that the GC group is down to nine riders and the gap to the break is under two minutes. Sepp Kuss (Visma – Lease A Bike), last year’s Vuelta winner, is still in the group. Kuss hasn’t really had it this year … probably residual fatigue from the COVID he suffered in July. He’s all the way back in 15th overall, 7:28 down, but maybe he can do something today.

OMG! Up in the break, Castrillo launches a massive attack! I’m not talking about the ‘90s trip hop group either, but an actual attack. He just opens this crazy huge gap in seemingly no time!

And now, in the GC group, instead of Roglic attacking, it’s his teammate Florian Lipowitz who sets down a blistering tempo! Nobody can hold his wheel except Roglic and O’Connor!

And now O’Connor is dropped! Lipowitz just goes and goes!

Finally he pulls off and Roglic takes over, embarking on his long-expected big move to finally take the GC lead.

Castrillo is on the 24% section and his head, which had somewhat stabilized, is now swinging around more than ever.

Mas has clawed his way back to Roglic! The gap to O’Connor is growing, but not that quickly. The Australian (oh, maybe I forgot to tell you, O’Connor is Australian) is still looking pretty good!

And now Vlasov has caught Castrillo but is clearly suffering terribly!

Behind, Mas has passed Roglic and almost seems to be putting the hurt on him!

OMG, Castrillo is putting the pussy on the chain wax! Vlasov had closed the gap but Castrillo won’t give up!

Mas is getting a bit of a gap on Roglic! If he really has the legs, he could finally move up on GC!

Castrillo has got the win! It’s the worst photo ever because it’s so foggy!

Not so long after, Mas comes in, just ahead of Roglic.

Carapaz rolls in, then Kuss, and after just a short bit, O’Connor gets over the line. I’d say he lost only about forty seconds today, which is kind of a coup, really.

Castrillo is super happy, needless to say. They interview him right past the finish line, before he’s even had a chance to compose himself.

INTERVIEWER: [unintelligible]

CASTRILLO: [translated by Bob Roll, who I think speaks no Spanish] It was really satisfying for everybody, including me.

INTERVIEWER: You really think it was satisfying for Vlasov? I’d say he’s actually super bummed.

CASTRILLO: Did I say “everybody”? I meant me.

INTERVIEWER: You had us all on pins and needles for the last few kilometers there. Mainly we were worried that, the way your head was swinging around, you were going to lose your sunglasses.

CASTRILLO: I wasn’t thinking much about my sunglasses. In fact I kind of forgot all about them.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think that single-minded focus is why you’ve won two stages in this Vuelta?

CASTRILLO: No, it’s more about me just being hella fast.

Okay, you got me: there’s no Spanish word for “hella,” and yes, I did make up that entire transcript. Only one line of the actual interview was translated for me and that didn’t sound accurate, either.

Roglic has made a U-turn at the summit and appears to be riding down the mountain, not wanting to sit around at the summit and freeze his ass off. I guess this is his silver lining for not getting the red leader’s jersey today … no boring podium celebration to wait around for.

Here is the stage result:

I missed the nicely formatted result page somehow and had to grab that from cyclingnews. Note that they spelled the winner’s name wrong, sheesh.

Here’s the top 20 since there were some sizeable gaps today. You’ll probably have to click this to zoom in so it’s legible, and if that doesn’t help, call tech support.

For all the work Landa’s team did, he only ended up with ninth, and lost another 20 seconds to Mas and 14 seconds to Carapaz. He might have done better just to sit in … I mean, what did all that tempo-setting really gain him? But then, I guess you gotta try…

Here is the new GC:

They’re interviewing O’Connor now.

INTERVIEWER: People thought you’d lose the jersey today.

O’CONNOR: I’m happy to prove them wrong again. It went well, though that was a horrible ending to the climb, it was disgusting.

INTERVIEWER: How did you deal with the attacks?

O’CONNOR: There was only one attack but it was very impressive, then I couldn’t see anything with the fog, it was rough.

INTERVIEWER: You still have 43 seconds, what do you think about that?

O’CONNOR: I’m just happy to still be in the lead.

INTERVIEWER: You have a new record for an Australian: number of days leading a Grand Tour.

O’CONNOR: [surprised, delighted] Really?

INTERVIEWER: Yes, [Phil] Anderson led the Tour [de France] for 9 days, you’ve now exceeded that.

O’CONNOR: That’s great. Good day today, I’m happy with the boys, happy with myself.

INTERWIEVER: Thank you.

O’CONNOR: No worries. [He always says this at the end of an interview and kind of rolls it into one truncated word, “nworr’s.”]

INTERVIEWER: uiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Okay, I did something rare just now: I transcribed the interview as accurately as I could, and I think I got most of it. That’s what can happen when people actually have something interesting to say. Alas, I couldn’t stick the landing at the end there because my cat started walking on the keyboard. Dang it!

Well, that’s about it for today. Tomorrow is the final rest day, then O’Connor has six more days of suffering as he attempts to defend his jersey. He’s probably doomed, but then that’s what they said about Don Quixote….

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Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2022 Giro d’Italia Stage 20

Introduction

It’s a big commitment trying to follow a cycling Grand Tour. All those stages, finding good coverage, trying to avoid spoilers (such as the news bulletins Google always serves up despite your every attempt to stop it) … why bother, right? Well, I’m here to help. If this year’s Giro d’Italia has passed you by, I’ll catch you up on where we are after 19 stages, and give you the full report of this absolutely pivotal penultimate stage. And I’ll call a spade a spade if anyone seems “not normal.”

2022 Giro d’Italia Stage 20 – Belluno to Marmolada

As I join the action, at an ungodly early hour, the riders are about at the halfway point with a little under 80 kilometers to go, and have just crested the summit of the first major pass, the Passo San Pellegrino (where all sparkling water comes from). There’s a breakaway, of course, with a little under six minutes on the GC group. The main players in the break are Davide Formolo (UAE Team Emirates), Giulio Ciccone (Trek - Segafredo), and (weirdly enough) the giant classics rolleur Mathieu Van Der Poel (Alpecin-Fenix), who likes to mix it up in these mountain stages until the laws of physics kick in and he’s jettisoned.

They’re showing a interview from earlier with Mikel Landa (Bahrain-Victorious), who sits third on GC, only 1:05 behind the leader, Richard Carapaz (Ineos Granadiers).

INTERVIEWER: Do you think you have a chance today, of winning this Giro?

LANDA: You know, it’s funny you should ask that … I was wondering exactly the same thing!

INTERVIEWER: God, I must be clairvoyant or something!

LANDA: Yeah, that’s amazing. Okay, let’s do another one. What color am I thinking of right now?

INTERVIEWER: Pink?

LANDA: Amazing! You’re exactly right! You might actually be a psychic!

INTERVIEWER: Well, I don’t know … I mean, it is the color of the jersey you’re after.

LANDA: Oh, no, actually, I was thinking of Pepto-Bismol. My stomach isn’t feeling so good.

INTERVIEWER: Don’t worry about it. Everyone’s got butterflies today.

(Note: when I record these interviews, if they’re boring, which is most of the time, I’m not above taking certain liberties, up to and including rewriting the transcript completely and putting all types of nonsense words into the racers’ mouths. You’re welcome.)

On the penultimate pass, the Pass Pordoi, Davide Ballerini (Quick-Step Alpha Vinyl) drills it on the front, presumably working for his teammate Mauri Vansevenant. Neither rider figures in the GC. This group has about fifteen riders.

Here’s Carapaz back in the main bunch, looking fairly relaxed I’d say.

So here’s what you need to know about this Giro. Last year’s winner, Egan Bernal (Ineos Granadiers) did not start due to a terrible crash in training last January. Two of the remaining favorites, Simon Yates (BikeExchange Jayco) and Tom Dumoulin (Team Jumbo-Visma) have dropped out after showing early promise (Yates won the first time trial, and Dumoulin was third). Yates went on to win another stage, but then dropped out citing listlessness. Dumoulin went home because had promised his wife he’d finally clean out the rain gutters or something, I can’t remember. Anyway, it’s the tightest GC in recent memory, with Jai Hindley (Bora-Hansgrohe) sitting second just three seconds behind Carapaz, and like I said earlier, Landa is in third only 1:05 back. Tomorrow’s stage is a time trial, so nobody wants to head into that without a bigger GC lead—the stress would just be too much to take.

As the second climb begins, Bahrain-Victorious takes the front to wear down Landa, setting up Ineos for the death-blow later. These Bahrain guys aren’t exactly master tacticians.

Now the coverage shifts to former Tour de France champ Bradley Wiggins on the back of a motorbike, offering some real-time insight.

INTERVIEWER: What’s going on out there, Bradley?

WIGGINS: We’re heading up the road and we’re seeing some famous landmarks here.

INTERVIEWER: Anything we’d have heard of?

WIGGINS: Well, I don’t know the names, but I recognize them from when I used to race.

INTERVIEWER: Will these landmarks figure in the finale?

WIGGINS: Probably not, but the motorcycle driver remembers them too. He has driven this course before. We’ve been chatting. He’s a great guy.

INTERVIEWER: Is this commentary supposed to actually help the home viewer understand anything about today’s stage?

WIGGINS: Well, erm, no, but I’m fairly famous, which is sort of the point of these motorbike interviews I suppose.

INTERVIEWER: So we’ll continue to do them, giving you a modest income into middle age.

WIGGINS: Yes, precisely.

Getting back to the action … whoa, it’s this guy again!

He did this same thing yesterday, where he just gaps the others and dangles pointlessly off the front for a long time. I think he’s kind of simple. His directeur sportif is shaking his head thinking, “Poor guy, he just doesn’t get it. Oh well, he’s not hurting anybody.”

Wow, look at this scenery. Pretty breathtaking.

A rider has ridden away from the breakaway. I think it’s Alessandro Covi (UAE Emirates), who has looked pretty good at times during this Giro, but is nowhere nearly as studly as his teammate Davide Formolo, who not only has been a major domestique for various team stars including Tadej Pogacar, but makes the greatest faces ever when he’s suffering. We’ll surely get to see some of those later.

The broadcasters can see riders’ heart rate stats nowadays, and they’re showing the data from Hugh Carthy (EF Education – EasyPost):

Fun fact: my heart rate is about the same right now, because I’ve got COVID! Haha, just kidding … making sure you’re still awake. My heart rate is exactly half of Carthy’s, but if I were climbing the Passo Pordoi mine would be 119 as well … not because I’m fit, but because that’s pretty much my max these days because I’m so old. Haha, kidding again!

Two riders have taken off after Covi: it’s Gijs Leemreize and Sam Oomen of Team Jumbo-Visma.

I don’t know how to pronounce “Gijs” but I sure hope it’s not “jizz.” That would be a hell of a name to take with you through life.

Covi’s motivation here is probably just to win the special prize for the first rider over the Pordoi, because it’s the highest point of this year’s Giro. I think the prize is like a thousand Euros, which is more than enough for the new car stereo Covi has his eye on. The best way to know I’m full of shit here? It’s that nobody buys car stereos anymore, they’re too tightly integrated into the car now. You have to go to the dealer, who nine times out of ten will say, “It’s easier just to buy a new car.” Which, being chumps, we end up doing.

Okay, I misspoke: looks like the TJV duo are off the back of what’s left of the breakaway, which is six riders.

UAE is in a good spot. Either Covi stays away and wins the stage (which I kind of doubt), or he gets caught which sets Formolo up for a counterattack. Formolo will be fairly fresh, of course, since he can’t be expected to help chase his own teammate. These UAE guys can do whatever they want, because their GC rider, João Almeida, withdrew due to COVID. I’m not making that up; as his team’s general manager, Mauro Gianetti, told VeloNews, “It’s true, it’s true. It’s COVID. It’s so shit. He wasn’t feeling so well last night and this morning and we did internal tests. Now we do the PCR but the fast test is positive. He’s out of the race.” I know it sounds like I made that up, but you can read it here. It’s a pity; Almeida was sitting fourth on GC.

Back in the GC group, Bahrain-Victorius (which my online correspondent calls “Bahrain Dopetorious”) stupidly grinds away at the front so Ineos and Bora-Hansgrohe can stay daisy-fresh before destroying Landa. These Bahrain guys probably thing they’re riding like a boss, but they’re riding like a temp.

Covi makes his way through the throngs of tifosi toward the Pordoi summit.

And now he crests the summit, garnering the special prize. He looks super strong and smooth.

Giulio Ciccone (Trek-Segafredo) sprints for the second place KOM points. There’s no way he can overtake Koen Bouwman (Team Jumbo-Visma), who has the mountains jersey in the bag, unless Bouwman gets COVID or something and can’t race tomorrow … but you never know.

Covi bombs the final descent. He’s got 1:30 and who knows, if he has great legs he might just hold it. But the Marmolada is a beast, averaging something like 7.5% for 14 kilometers, so that gap isn’t insurmountable.

The GC group reaches the summit, with Bahrain-Victorious continuing to shelter Ineos and Bora-Hansgrohe from the wind for no apparent reason. Maybe they’ve been bribed or something?

With 35 kilometers to go, Covi is gradually increasing his lead.

Van der Poel makes his lone way down the mountain, having been shelled almost instantly when the break hit the last climb. I really don’t know why he gets in these breaks. Maybe he’s shy and gets tired of making small talk with the jokers in the peloton. I can respect that.

So … here is my prediction. I’d say on the final climb, at least halfway up, Carapaz will finally launch a definitive attack and get the buffer he needs for the final time trial. Needless to say I’m no fan of Ineos (née Team Sky), those cheating bastards, but at least Carapaz is fun to watch. Unlike Christopher Froome, who would just grind everyone down like a commuter on an e-bike, Carapaz will actually attack, and sometimes unpredictably, as though he were actually acting on instinct. Which, who knows, perhaps his team actually lets him do.

Covi is rocking something of a mullet!

No, it’s not a big flowing dramatic mullet, but look how short the hair is around his ears compared to the back. I just did a Google search on “does Alessandro Covi have a mullet” and, believe it or not, Google came up empty. Scoop! You read it here first!

With 25 kilometers to go, Covi has 2:10. He takes a feed from his team car. I mean, duh—who else would give him a feed? A food truck?

That would be pretty cool, actually, if a food truck pulled up alongside the racers. They could peruse the menu, place their order, and get handed a burrito or something. They must get pretty tired of gels.

Now Van der Poel is caught by the GC group. “Aw, man, what am I gonna say to these guys?” he’s thinking. “I hope nobody wants to talk about my crash in the Olympics. I am so sick of dudes bringing that up.”

Bahrain continues driving tempo in the GC group. Maybe they’re shaming Landa into making a good attack. “How can you not attack after all we’ve done for you?” they could taunt him. Unfortunately, history has shown that Landa always cracks under pressure. I don’t think Bahrain’s medic has anything to treat that.

Ballerini, who’d been dropped from the chase group, flies past them. He might have a shot at catching Covi except that the last 14 kilometers are uphill and he’s shown that climbing isn’t exactly his forté , at least not today.

Covi is on the Marmolada now, with a 2:20 lead. If the chase group can get organized, especially the two Jumbo-Visma riders, and they have the legs, perhaps they can bring him back.

So, to bring you fully up to speed on this chase group, it includes Oomen, Leemreize, Ciccone, Formolo, Ballerini, Lennard Kämna (Bora-Hansgrohe), Antonio Pedrero (Movistar Team), Thymen Arensman (Team DSM), and Domen Novak (Bahrain-Victorious).

One of the TJV guys is dropped, along with Ballerini.

The GC group is on the final climb now. Wow: Bouwman, the KOM, is dropped. So, perhaps the pace is ramping up (or he’s just fried from crushing it on so many climbs for the last three weeks). It’s odd how large this group still is.

As you can see, Carapaz hasn’t had to do a lick of work today.

The Eurosport commentator (and former champ) Sean Kelly is pretty reticent, so his co-commentator routinely draws him out by suggesting something and then asking Kelly to confirm it. I would like to propose a drinking game: a bunch of guys get together to watch the coverage of a Grand Tour stage, and every time Kelly says “yes,” you have to take a drink. Man, dudes would be clocked by the end!

Whoa, Formolo cracks! I did not see that coming! Look how awful he looks!

Arensman has been on the front a lot. Not bad, for his first Giro!

More guys are being dropped from the break. It’s down to Novak, Pedrero, Arensman, and Ciccone.

Back in the GC group, Guillame Martin (Cofidis) attacks. He’s been doing this throughout the Giro despite being like 20 minutes down. I think he just gets bored or something.

Novak attacks the break!

He doesn’t even look like he’s working. Total poker-face. Meanwhile, Covi is clearly suffering up ahead, shoulders rocking. I won’t bother trying to show that in a photo. I wonder if I could create a GIF to show that? Maybe I’ll have to figure that out for next time.

It’s a 10% grade and Covi has 4 kilometers to go, with a 1:13 lead.

Novak looks kind of stupid, actually.

Stupidity can really help a rider, though. It’s best not to over-think things when you’re climbing.

In the GC group, Ineos finally takes the front, all fresh as daisies. Or perhaps lilies. What’s fresher? I wish I had a botanist on staff.

Immediately, Emanuel Buchmann (Bora-Hansgroe) is dropped, which is terrible news for Hindley.

And now former Giro winner Vincenzo Nibali (Astana Qazaqstan Team), who sits in fourth overall, is dropped!

The GC group has been whittled down to just five guys. Landa has lost all his idiot teammates. They exhausted themselves setting up Ineos. He will surely never talk to them again. Hell, I wouldn’t.

Pavel Sivakov (Ineos Granadiers) is doing a great job for Carapaz.

Oh no! Things are getting really bad for Nibali! A folding chair has tipped over and could obstruct his path! Fans race to upright it!

And now Hindley totally attacks! Only Carapaz can respond, as Carthy looks like he’s being punched in the stomach!

And what’s this? With extraordinary timing, Kamna has dropped back from the breakaway to help Hindley! He gives him his wheel and just starts laying down the smack!

Look at Carapaz dying on the back there, down in the drops! Bahrain-Victorious should take a master class in tactics from Bora-Hansgrohe! The leaders are now pulling away from Landa!

And at the front of the race, Covi is hanging on to a slender lead! He’s really suffering! He’s sweating so hard, his mullet is plastered to his neck!

Back in the GC trio, Hindley suddenly turns it up, and Carapaz—amazingly—is dropped!

The gap goes out quickly as Kamna pulls off, his job done, and Hindley sets a savage pace! He looks really good … happy, almost!

Freaking crazy! Hindley’s already got over twenty seconds!

And now, Covi is under the 1-KM kite! He’s still got half a minute and will probably pull it off!

There’s a regrouping behind Hindley because Carapaz just isn’t going that well!

Hindley is putting the pussy on the chainwax! Now he overhauls one of the guys from the breakaway and spins him around like a pinwheel! Figuratively speaking!

He’s got like 40 seconds! He looks stoked!

And Covi has got the stage win!

Now scores of young Italian men will be growing mullets!

Hindley continues to drill it, and instead of the standard death-rictus, he’s actually wearing a smile!

Hindley finishes and now the clock starts ticking ... how much did he take out of Carapaz?

Wow, even Landa has dropped Carapaz, and hammers along with Carthy.

They finish the stage and Carapaz isn’t even in sight. Could he actually slip to third on GC today?

Carapaz is a long way back, going backwards, and has been caught by Formolo. It’s a long, agonizing slog to the finish.

Carapaz finishes, finally. He’s clearly destroyed. My online correspondent declares, “He blew big old greasy chunks!”

Nibali finishes, having successfully defended his fourth place on GC. Either he’s sticking his tongue out at Juan Pedro Lopez (Trek-Segafredo) or he has a tasty crumb of something he’s trying to harvest.

The big players always tend to vanish after the finish. So the film crew is interviewing Kamna.

INTERVIEWER: Were you going for the stage win, or were you playing a tactical game for the GC?

KAMNA: Stage win? What are you even talking about?

INTERVIEWER: Well, you got in the break. You could have won a stage.

KAMNA: You’ve gotta be kidding me. We came into today with a guy in second place on GC, three seconds back. What are you talking about, stage win?

INTERVIEWER: It really hurts my feelings when you speak snidely to me.

KAMNA: Oh my god … are you—are you crying?

INTERVIEWER: Don’t worry, it’s not you, it’s not this interview … it’s that my dog died this morning.

KAMNA: Man, now I feel like an asshole.

INTERVIEWER: Ha! I got you! Punked!

Bradley Wiggins makes his way through the crowd to interview Covi, or perhaps Hindley.

INTERVIEWER: Where are we going, Brad?

WIGGINS: I think Hindley went this way.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think he’ll talk to you?

WIGGINS: Of course he will! Why wouldn’t he?

INTERVIEWER: It’s just that for three weeks I’ve followed you around with this camera after every stage, and you’ve never talked to anybody yet.

WIGGINS: Yes, but as I duck and weave through the crowd I offer up little morsels of insight about the stage.

INTERVIEWER: Couldn’t we just sit down and get the tidbits that way? I hate threading through the throng like this.

WIGGINS: Oh, sod off you fucking wanker.

Now Covi makes his way to the interview tent. Just look at that hair sticking down from the front of his cap! It’s really something! It looks like the curb feelers on my college roommate’s parents’ van.

They’re interviewing Sivakov, Carapaz’s super-domestique.

INTERVIEWER: Did Richard say anything after the finish?

SIVAKOV: Yes, he said “Dammit, fuck it all, shit shit shit.”

INTERVIEWER: Do you have that verbatim?

SIVAKOV: Please explain “verbatim.”

INTERVIEWER: You know, word for word.

SIVAKOV: Oh, yes, word for word. It was “Dammit, fuck it all, shit shit shit.” I think it’s got kind of a ring to it. Like, poetry almost. I’ll probably be chanting that from now on, every time I’m upset.

INTERVIEWER: Where did Richard go? Will I get to speak with him?

SIVAKOV: He’s rather upset and not talking to anyone. But I can tell you what he’d say.

INTERVIEWER: What’s that?

SIVAKOV: “Dammit, fuck it all, shit shit shit.”

INTERVIEWER: Thanks.

And now the post-race interview with Covi.

INTERVIEWER: Congratulations, that was a beautiful win.

COVI: Thank you.

INTERVIEWER: You almost won a couple stages in last year’s Giro but couldn’t quite do it.

COVI: Yes, that was hard because I was working all the time for Almeida. This year, because he got COVID, I didn’t have to work for him anymore.

INTERVIEWER: Did you have anything to do with Almeida getting COVID?

COVI: Of course not, that’s absurd.

INTERVIEWER: And yet, your name is practically COVID. You could say he got Covi’d!

COVI: It’s a complete semantic coincidence. And this interview is over.

INTERVIEWER: Wait, wait, I’m sorry! I still need to ask you about your mullet! It looks like you have two mullets, one in the front and one in the back. Can you comment on that?

COVI: What is wrong with you?! It’s all business up front, party in the back! Textbook mullet!

INTERVIEWER: Touché.

Here is the stage result, all the way down through 15th because if I just showed you the top ten, you wouldn’t see how much time Carapaz lost.

And here’s the new GC:

Now the footage cuts back to Bradley Wiggins, once again on the prowl for interviews.

INTERVIEWER: Where are you taking us, Brad?

WIGGINS: We’re gonna go talk to Nibali, to ask him how it feels to finish his last road stage of a Grand Tour before retiring at the end of the season.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think he’ll talk to you?

WIGGINS: Of course he’ll talk to me, we go way back!

INTERVIEWER: Well then go up to him then! Why are we hanging back here?

WIGGINS: Hold up, he looks kind of busy at the minute.

INTERVIEWER: No he’s not, go up there!

WIGGINS: He’s talking to that old guy right now. I’ll go up in a moment.

INTERVIEWER: Sure you will.

Here’s Covi on the podium. You can tell he’s a young guy because he’s still in the habit of flexing his thighs for the camera. Older guys grow out of that, or maybe they become too lazy.

Here’s Hindley celebrating his maglia rosa. Note that he’s opted for the straight-brimmed baseball cap instead of the traditional cycling cap. Perhaps he thinks the straight brim looks kind of gangsta, but of course he’s completely undermining the effect by being so fresh-faced and sweet looking.

OMG, we’re back to Wiggins. This time he’s given up trying to collar an actual racer and is just talking to his co-commentator, Hannah Walker.

WALKER: Brad, let’s talk about tomorrow’s time trial. Can you mansplain to me how this might play out?

WIGGINS: Well, going into today’s stage I didn’t think Hindley could unseat Carapaz, but he did. So when I say I don’t think Carapaz can take 1:25 out of Hindley tomorrow, I might well be wrong.

WALKER: So are you saying he will, or he won’t?

WIGGINS: Wait … who do you mean by “he”?

WALKER: I’ve kind of lost track myself. There’s a lot going on here, like two commentators kind of interviewing each other, instead of interviewing an athlete.

WIGGINS: Yes exactly Hannah, it’s very meta. Plus, we’re standing here in the middle of the road, on location, when all this could just as easily be done over Zoom.

WALKER: But this is more atmospheric, and you get to wear that cool biker jacket, having been on the moto earlier.

WIGGINS: Yes, and more importantly, these retro sunglasses, practically goggles really, pushed jauntily up on my forehead. We couldn’t exactly pull that off in the studio.

WALKER: Excellent analysis, thank you.

Well, there you have it … probably the most exciting Grand Tour stage I’ve seen in years! Looks like I’ll be tuning in tomorrow for the final time trial, because the race could change hands yet again. True, Carapaz took just six seconds out of Hindley in the first TT, but tomorrow’s is almost twice as long and anything can happen. But I won’t be blogging about it, because time trials are always completely boring and this will be no exception.

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