NOTE:
This post is rated PG-13 for an instance of mild strong language.
Introduction
What follows is a work of fiction. The normal disclaimers apply. Even the language used, though it bears a
strong resemblance to American English, is made-up and used fictitiously. The single reference to an actual person is
purely jocular.
The Lice Letters
Midvale Elementary School
3312 Bean St
Anytown, USA
February 27, 2012
Dear Parent,
Yesterday, a student in your child’s
classroom was discovered with a case of Pediculosis Capitis (head lice).
Pause for a moment and let that sink
in. I, too, feel it like a hard ball in
the pit of my stomach. This is a serious
matter. But rest assured, it was not
your child who was discovered to have this condition. If it was, you would be well aware by
now. The child in question was sent home
immediately and I’m sorry to say his mother was not able to pick him up. She was at work and sent her boyfriend,
Steve, in her place. This did not make
it any easier on the child, I hasten to add.
Steve—who is on the “approved guardian” list in the office—was able to
come right away because he is unemployed and probably spends his days playing violent
video games. I would like to take this
opportunity to downplay the altercation some of you may have heard transpired
when Steve came to the school. It was merely
a loud exchange of words: our custodian innocently
pointed out to Steve that his (Steve’s) P.T. Cruiser shares the chassis and
engine of the Dodge Neon (which happens to be true), and Steve did not take it
well. No assault actually transpired and
nobody was taken into custody.
Though your child was not discovered to
have head lice, he or she yet may. Lice
spreads quickly at schools because of the jostling and other physical contact
that persist among children. You should
prepare yourself for the possibility that your child will be next. If this does happen, rest assured that head
lice does not mean your child is “unclean,” “filthy,” or an “unwanted
immigrant.” Every year a few million
Americans—born American—come down
with head lice. Many of these people are
quite clean in their habits. In fact,
some studies show that blown-dry and/or chemically treated hair makes a less
hospitable environment for lice. As
such, the school is relaxing its prohibition of brightly colored hair among
students (though I still have trouble not snickering when I see a grade-school
kid wearing a t-shirt featuring a rock band whose members are old enough to be
his or her grandparent). On a related note,
if you have a daughter this might be a good time to turn her on to the music
and style of Sinéad O’Connor.
There are simple precautions you can take
against your child getting head lice. If
you have more than one child, make sure they don’t wear hats. Even if they promise not to trade them
around, they always do. (Yes, one of our
students is allowed to wear a hat at school.
That’s because, for medical reasons, he has a bald spot that the other
kids would tease him about.) Also,
please don’t allow your child to attend slumber
parties, where pillows can be shared.
Though these precautions may help, the sad truth is that head lice is
mainly a result of parents not loving their children enough. (No, of course that’s not true, but since so
many mothers would believe this anyway, I might as well say it.)
Please inspect your child’s head
regularly. Lice are hard to see,
especially by fathers who a) don’t actually care very much, and b) tend to be
so old, from what I’ve seen at this school, that they’re bound to be
farsighted. Look for “dandruff” that turns
out to be alarmingly mobile, and the cobweb-like networks of eggs (nits) that collect
at the base of the hair shaft like glue.
One other symptom would be a child who is falling behind in school. This is because his or her brain is literally
being sucked out by these little parasites (though it could also merely mean he
or she watches a lot of TV). Remember
that it is far better to discover head lice at home than for our staff to
discover it! If you do discover lice,
please keep your child home until the lice are completely eradicated. You may fib and tell us your child is “sick,”
and as necessary we will help perpetuate your cover story.
Every year there seems to be a lice
outbreak at this school and we are determined to put an end to it. To that end, we have decided to cancel this
year’s Spring Fling, commonly known as “hot dog / crazy hat day,” if the lice
are not controlled by early May. You
don’t have to be an epidemiologist to understand our rationale, given the
opportunities for contagion presented by hundreds of kids wearing makeshift
hats. And while I’m on the subject: assuming that the Spring Fling does take
place, please tell your child not to
ask if the hot dogs are grass-fed. They
aren’t, okay? We don’t have the budget
for grass-fed so every single frank represents dozens of cows from several
continents and all the other atrocities Upton Sinclair wrote about. (No, we won’t consider turkey franks, because
they taste like ass.) If you don’t like
this, ask yourself what member of our generation didn’t grow up snacking on lead paint chips. Get over yourself. [Gloria—give this the usual tone-down but
don’t take out the grass-fed thing, it’s important.]
Thank you in advance for you assistance
in this important matter.
Sincerely,
C. Roger Nelson
Principal
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Midvale Elementary School
3312 Bean St
Anytown, USA
February 27, 2012
Dear Parent,
I am writing to apologize for the highly
inappropriate letter that was sent home with your child earlier this week. I have a highly unusual writing style—really
more of a “venting” mechanism than anything—and rely heavily on my secretary to
edit my letters for length and content.
The letter about head lice should have been edited down significantly,
with certain details omitted, particularly the instance of crude language. This letter “slipped through the cracks” in
that my secretary never had the opportunity to edit it. Somehow, the initial draft was sent out
before she even saw it.
Of course much of my letter was
inappropriate even for a rough draft and it is a huge embarrassment to me that
my private snideness has become public.
All I can say in my defense is that it is hard to maintain the proper attitude
when my scalp has the tickly sensation, almost certainly psychosomatic, of
being infested with parasites.
The management of Midvale Elementary
School, the District, and the Superintendent of Schools are working with the
PTA to determine the appropriate disciplinary measures for my misconduct. I hope that I shall be allowed to continue as
your Principal.
Once again, please accept my humblest
apologies for the letter.
Sincerely,
C. Roger Nelson
Principal
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Midvale Elementary School
3312 Bean St
Anytown, USA
February 27, 2012
Mr. David Ferguson
Superintendent of Schools
1123 Toll House Road
Anytown, USA
Dear Mr. Ferguson,
Yesterday I discovered that what had
originally appeared to be an administrative error in the matter of the head
lice letter was actually an act of perfidy on the part of my secretary, Gloria
Johnston. She actually did receive the
rough draft, and though she had initially edited it per our normal arrangement,
she subsequently propagated the initial draft.
What tipped me off was the little accent over the “e” in “Sinead.” I do not even know how to type that special
character. That was one of her initial
edits to the revised version, and the sole change that survived in the final
version.
The fully edited version of my letter—the
one that should have gone out—was found on Ms. Johnston’s computer. When confronted she confessed to her
treachery. Her employment has been
terminated. We are trying to keep this affair
as quiet as possible and have cited “budget cuts” as the reason for her
dismissal. In the event that members of
your staff desire the “inside scoop” on this matter, I encourage you to suggest
that Ms. Johnston was discovered to be a carrier of head lice and a long-time
contributor to the frequent outbreaks.
I understand that my situation is, as
yet, unresolved and will decorously accept whatever decision you hand down.
Sincerely,
C. Roger Nelson
Principal
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