Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2024 Vuelta a España Stage 20

Introduction

Perhaps you don’t have time to watch the Vuelta a España. Or maybe you don’t want to pay for coverage. Maybe the sport isn’t entertaining enough for you unless somebody mouths off a lot. Well, that would be me. Read on for my no-punches-pulled report on a bunch of starved Lycra-clad athletes bashing themselves against giant mountains and trying to destroy each other, for money.

Vuelta a Espana Stage 20 – Villarcayo to Picón Blanco

As I join, they’ve got just over a kilometer to go on the third-to-last climb, the Portillo de la Sia, a Category 2. It looks like Mark Soler (UAE Team Emirates) is solo, or maybe chasing the break. It’s hard to tell. My morning is in disarray – all out of ground coffee, had to grind some beans by hand, then somehow poured boiling water on my hand. So I’m suffering more than these riders, believe me. Adding insult to injury, Peacock is showing a commercial now. Let me go get some ice.

Okay, I’m back and it’s definitely Soler in the lead. I don’t think this is so much a let’s-win-this-stage kind of break as a let’s-get-all-the-KOM-points break. Soler has the KOM jersey but it looks like his teammate Jay Vine picked up some points earlier because they’re now tied in the virtual standing. Here’s Vine, all bandaged up from a terrible crash last week, hanging on the back of the group.

As a new feature of this blog, today I have a man on the ground in Spain, giving me live updates.

He sends this nice shot of Soler leading the race.

My correspondent predicts that the GC group, only 1:20 behind the breakaway, will overtake them on the last climb, so the penultimate climb will decide the KOM. He also gave me some Lotto numbers but I’m keeping those to myself, thank you very much.

Here’s a cool photo of one of the climbs, courtesy of my man on the ground. Not shown: Don Quixote, tilting.

In the GC group, a teammate of Richard Carapaz (EF Education - Easypost) makes a sweet move to launch his leader into a stage-winning move. Alas, this guy apparently never told Carapaz of the plan, or Carapaz forgot, because he’s several riders back staring at his thumbnail and man, this is just embarrassing.

The announcers are saying that some of race leader Primoz Roglic’s Red Bull – Bora Hansgrohe teammates are sick. I’m not getting very specific info, though. The riders I see look okay to me. Maybe they’re homesick, or lovesick. Not sure how that might affect Roglic’s GC bid. I mean, homesick isn’t that big a deal, but if the lovesickness is, like, chlamydia, that could be serious.

Speaking of the GC, Roglic has chased the red leader’s jersey for almost three weeks and only yesterday finally took it off of the back of Ben O’Connor (Decathlon AG2R La Mondiale Team) and now leads him by almost two minutes, which is kind of a lot since Roglic has been riding better than O’Connor for most of this Vuelta and has won it three times before. But victory is not assured, as pointed out by this Roleur article which helpfully points out, “Roglic still has to stay on his bike, a non-flippant comment rooted in the fact he falls on average once every 18 race days.”

Well, I guess I spoke too soon, or maybe too late … Roglic is now past the last real descent, so things should be fairly safe for him for the remaining 37 kilometers which are mostly uphill.

The breakaway comprises Soler, Vine, Pablo Castrillo (Kern Pharma), Clément Berthet (Decathlon AG2R La Mondiale Team), and Marco Frigo (Israel – Premier Tech).

Wow, Soler has looked pretty good on the front but now totally detonates!

Within seconds, he’s way off the back!

Now it’s all up to Vine. Not sure how deep the points go for the next KOM opportunity, but Vine might end up winning the overall KOM with this ride (and I guess it’s possible they could stay off and win the stage but that’s almost no more likely than my correspondent’s Lotto numbers winning big for me).

O’Connor’s team has changed its uniforms so many times over the years, I have a bit of trouble spotting him in the group now that he’s not in the red jersey any more. Isn’t it weird how we don’t generally translate “maglia rosa” or “maillot jaune,” but we always use the English phrase “red jersey”? Have you ever heard it called the “camisa roja”? The Vuelta gets no respect, I tell you.

The chat with my on-the-ground correspondent is a bit confusing because there’s some other guy in the texting group only identified by his phone number. I assume it’s a mutual friend or a guy on my road team, but it’s a little odd that he keeps asking for my credit card number. Anyway, he asks, “Will [Vine] make it or will the peloton catch?” I reply, “Peloton will catch, I predict. And my Visa is 4388-4972-2949-7732, exp. 02/26.”

Vine has dropped everyone but Berthet.

Okay, this is sad. My little cat was trying to get my attention and did that thing where she reaches up and hooks a claw into my leg, but the claw got stuck and now she’s kind of hanging there while I try to unhook the claw. Poor little beast!

And in the time it took for that little maneuver, the GC group has suddenly closed their 20-second gap and catches the remaining duo from the breakaway.

With about 4 kilometers left in this climb there’s a hellacious attack!

It’s Pavel Sivakov (UAE Team Emirates), who sits tenth on GC, about 7 minutes down. So Roglic’s team wouldn’t exactly be panicking about this.

Sivakov’s move is pretty cool, whether or not he can make it all the way to the finish solo … at least it takes any pressure of Vine, who I hope can hang tough in this group for the rest of the climb and maybe get those KOM points.

You’ll be happy to know that my cat has recovered from the snagged-claw episode and is now comfortably situated on my lap.

Enric Mas (Movistar Team) takes the summit of the Puerto de Los Tornos, which causes commentator Bob Roll to giggle and wonder aloud why Mas would want KOM points. His fellow commentator Christian Vande Velde patiently points out that there were bonus seconds available as well, which could help Mas in the GC. Just to catch you up since my last post, O’Connor trails Roglic by 1:54, Mas sits third just 26 seconds behind O’Connor, Carapaz is another 34 seconds further back, and David Gaudu (Groupama-FDJ) rounds out the top five 4:33 behind Roglic.

Vine picked up a KOM point or two on that last summit, so he has the KOM lead and, with just one climb left in this Vuelta, unless something dramatic happens he’ll wear the jersey into Paris.

Here’s an aerial view of the final climb, the dreaded Picón Blanco.

Mikel Landa (T-Rex – Quick-Step) attacks, sort of. His attacks are more like little jabs, and one of Roglic’s teammates easily chases him down, practically yawning with boredom. This is kind of hard to watch because once again, Landa’s teammates did a lot of work to set him up for this. They’re like Little League parents shouting at their children out on the diamond, to no effect.

Sivakov is riding really well, taking his lead out to about a minute. But man, this upcoming final climb is kind of a beast, 7.9 kilometers at 9.1% average grade.

With 14 kilometers to go, Sivakov now has 1:13. Perhaps his chances of a stage will win depend on whether, this far into the Vuelta, anybody has enough energy left to mount a real attack on Roglic.

Sivakov’s shoulders look a little tense. I get accused of this. My wife tells me I need to do yoga or some such shit, but honestly I think it’s just the stress of middle age. Imagine how much tension Sivakov will carry in his body when he’s in his fifties, running a bike shop or tour group or something to try to fund his remaining years. Damn, I’m getting depressed now and he hasn’t even been caught yet!

Okay, this is noteworthy. I have two separate chat threads going and both of them include a doctor who is at work right now and hungry for updates. What does that say about cycling fans? Probably nothing, though I would like to think most football fans work at, like, accounting firms. Does that make me a snob? No, probably more like a wannabe snob. I am not myself a doctor, after all.

I would love to see Carapaz launch a hellacious attack and take three minutes out of Roglic on this climb. And then a geisha would bring me a platter of lasagne, and my kids would phone.

Sivakov is starting to show his age. Well, actually, he’s a young buck, just 27 years old … maybe he’s starting to show my age. His lead has dropped to just 38 seconds in a matter of a couple kilometers.

Some guy attacks and nobody cares. It’s Eddie Dunbar (Team Jayco Alula).

Everyone just sits there, as if Dunbar didn’t matter. He’s just rolling away. He doesn’t even look like he cares. It’s like they’ve forgotten where they are, maybe they think they’re at a roller rink or something.

The GC group just pedals away as though this were a sightseeing jaunt. Roglic, finally frustrated at his teammates’ pace, now takes the front as if to say, “Damn it … let me do it.”

Adam Yates (UAE Team Emirates), who won a stage solo earlier in this Vuelta, is dropped. I’m okay with this. Yates looks just a bit goofy on the bike. I can’t tell what it is. It’s like his body is pointed uphill like a hyena’s. Does that make any sense?

Sivakov is hanging tough, holding on to his slender lead for now. Even his shoulders look a little more relaxed … maybe his sports director gave him some advice through his earpiece. “C’mon Sivvy, you’ve got this, you’re the best, eh, lower those shoulders, remember what we talked about, breathe like a kettle now, relax that jaw, Namaste.”

In the GC group Roglic goes to the front and drops the hammer again, Mas glued to his wheel. Now Gaudu pulls through pretty forcefully and you can see Ben O’Connor going out the back, paced by his super-domestique Felix Gall.

Now Gaudu flat-out attacks, and so far only Carapaz can respond!

Up the road, Dunbar (remember him?) catches Sivakov.

Gaudu has a decent gap on the GC group.

And now Dunbar drops Sivakov. Sivakov vanishes from my screen, just straight-up gone, like he was levitated away by a UFO or sucked into a sinkhole. Dunbar is now solo but perhaps Gaudu is gaining?

Dunbar looks really disassociated, like his mind is somewhere else. He almost seems bored. It’s strange.

Roglic is smashing the pedals going after Dunbar, surely wanting yet another stage win. Even so, Mas goes to the front and drives the pace even higher. Mas is having the best grand tour of his life, he’s been en fuego practically every day. They overhaul Gaudu.

Behind, Gall is doing a great job helping O’Connor to limit his losses.

OMG! In the final 500 meters, Dunbar is dying! And the GC group isn’t far behind! C’mon, man! Go go go!

And now Landa attacks again, this time for reals!

Was that photo even worth posting? Look, I’m sorry about the shockingly poor quality of these images. Peacock blocks screen captures because, you know, every time somebody saves a still shot from Peacock’s footage (which by my calculation totals something like half a million frames), God kills a kitten.

But Landa’s attack is like all Landa’s attacks, it accomplishes nothing. It’s actually starting to look like Dunbar could hang on for a win!

Wow, Roglic actually just doesn’t have it! He never launches the cruel final move that usually dooms a humble breakaway rider! In fact, Mas is distancing him! And now, Dunbar is out of the saddle, grunting his bike along, totally dying but still going kind of fast, and the meters click by, 50 to go, 25 to go, still no sign of the chasers and—he’s got the win!

That is as close to a smile as I was able to get, even with my camera’s burst mode. Dunbar looks satisfied, perhaps, but not exactly elated.

Surprisingly enough, the next rider across is Mas, with a pretty good gap back to Roglic.

Gall is a baller. He brings O’Connor home with only a handful of seconds lost to Roglic, and more importantly to those who would knock him off the podium.

Here is the stage result.

And here is the new GC.

Not much change … Mas took nine seconds total out of Roglic (seven at the finish and the two bonus seconds), which won’t exactly jeopardize Roglic’s chances since he’s the better time trialist anyway. The big loser was Carlos Rodriguez (Ineos Grenadiers), who came in 2:34 back today and drops from seventh to tenth overall. Last year’s winner, the American Sepp Kuss (Visma – Lease A Bike), had a bad day today and drops from 11th to 13th overall.

They’re interviewing Dunbar.

INTERVIEWER: You’re practically smiling, which I find unusual. What’s going on?

DUNBAR: Well, I never expected to win a grand tour stage, and now I’ve won two.

INTERVIEWER: Do they have Pop Rocks action candy in Ireland?

DUNBAR: I felt pretty good, and I knew this climb from 2020, I knew it leveled out in places which isn’t shown in the profile, so I’d have a chance to rest here and there and go harder on the steep bits.

INTERVIEWER: You didn’t answer my question about the Pop Rocks.

DUNBAR: When Sivakov went, nobody reacted, so I figured no point wasting bullets on a climb like this. I’m a ways down on GC, so I knew I’d get a bit of leeway.

INTERVIEWER: “Wasting bullets” … what does that even mean?

DUNBAR: I want to thank my team for this. The guys did good keeping me out of trouble over the last few days.

INTERVIEWER: What kind of trouble, can you elaborate?

DUNBAR: We were at the salad bar, and the guys were like dude, don’t eat the marshmallow-and-Mandarin-orange salad, it’s looking really manky. I was totally gonna eat it, too, before they spoke up. And just look at what happened to those [Red Bull] Bora-Hansgrohe guys. They ate the salad and then blew chunks all last night, I could hear it through the wall.

INTERVIEWER: Thank you for finally answering one of my questions. That’s what I was getting at, with the Pop rocks thing. The way they fizz is similar to how fermented fruit feels on the tongue, which could have tipped you off.

DUNBAR: Yes. Except, like I said, my teammates had my back. I never even tasted that salad. Nor your silly “action candy.”

INTERVIEW: Touché.

If this is your first albertnet blow-by-blow, I should come clean about something: I don’t try very hard to record these interviews accurately. Much of what I “quoted” from Dunbar above was real, but I freestyled the rest of the exchange. That is a service to you, because these interviews can be really dull.

Speaking of which, now they’re interviewing Roglic.

INTERVIEWER: This had to be a stressful stage, with your teammates projectile vomiting all last night.

ROGLIC: Yeah, I mean uh, anyway, yeah, uh, luckily  I am quite fine for the moment, so uh, yeah.

INTERVIEWER: Eddie [Dunbar] was saying it was the Mandarin-orange-and-marshmallow salad that poisoned your teammates, is that correct?

ROGLIC: Uh, yeah, uh, maybe it was that, I thought, uh, yeah, maybe really the pineapple-and-cottage-cheese salad, so, uh, I ate neither, and yeah, maybe that’s why I’m good.

INTERVIEWER: These salads sound disgusting, what a crappy hotel were guys must have been at. I mean, what kind of salad bar is so badly maintained that it has riders puking their guts out and shitting like minks all night before the queen stage of the Vuelta?

ROGLIC: Yeah, well, I am not so sure, and uh, I don’t know much about minks, whether they really shit like this, so, uh, yeah.

INTERVIEWER: Are you starting to believe that you can actually hang on and win your fourth Vuelta?

ROGLIC: Well you know we uh you know, uh, I am one day closer but tomorrow, it’s another GC day.

INTERVIEWER: Come on, man, I was just taking the piss, you’ve gotta know you got this race in the bag.

ROGLIC: Uh, taking the piss? Whose piss? You mean doping control? Blood bags?

INTERVIEWER: Has anyone ever told you you’re the most boring rider to interview in the entire peloton?

ROGLIC: Yeah, a couple of times, so, uh, yeah.

INTERVIEWER: Well, anyway I want to thank you for not shaming the race, and the sport, by being absolutely dominant like [Tadej] Pogacar or [Chris] Froome. The times you’ve faltered in this Vuelta, like losing time to Mas today, showed us you’re still human, which made the race worth watching, and that’s a nice change. So … thanks.

ROGLIC: Uh ... you’re welcome?

Several words from that transcript were faithful to the actual interview, including “uh,” “yeah,” “so,” and “one day closer.” I stole “shitting like a mink” from the late Anthony Bourdain. The interviewer’s final sentiment is 100% my own opinion.

Well, that’s about it for this Vuelta. Tomorrow’s final stage, a short, flat time trial, will be totally boring and probably won’t change much about the GC. Check back next April because the next race I cover will probably be Paris-Roubaix.

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