Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2026 Paris-Nice Stage 8

Introduction

Almost thirty years ago my wife and I were visiting the south of France, and at a train station were spied by a fellow American. This was disappointing in and of itself because we were trying not to look like tourists. We probably thought we were dressing in a Euro style, and lots of foreigners wear Levi’s, but clearly we were easily identifiable by our countryman. He looked like Elmer Fudd and, in the loud and uninhibited style we Americans are known and despised for, he hollered across the platform at us, “Does REE-tard mean late?!” He was referring to the signs announcing the delays caused by the almost inevitable rail workers’ strike that day. I resisted the temptation to reply, “No, REE-tard means you!” Because of course I was too politically correct, even then.

And what does this have to do with the Paris-Nice stage race? Almost nothing, unless you saw the word “Nice” and sounded out our English word “nice” in your head. It’s pronounced “neece,” you retard. Pardon my French. (Don’t pretend you thought I was using a vulgar and insensitive English word; I was using the French word that’s pronounced “ray-TARRR,” to suggest that you were late to grasp that this race ends in a city in southern France. I mean, come on!) Anyway, today I cover the final stage of this eight-day race, in my unprofessional blogger’s style, jettisoning journalistic traditions of impartiality and tongue-biting, particularly in the case of someone I think is doping, whom I might flippantly refer to as a … dummy. And during lulls in today’s action, I’ll fill you in on what happened in the first seven stages, too.

Paris-Nice Stage 8 – Nice to Nice

As I join the action, the riders have finished the first categorized climb of the day and are descending toward the Category 1 Côte de Châteauneuf-Villevielle which I translate as “coast of nine castles old city.” Whatever, French dudes. Valentin Paret-Peintre (Soudal-Quickstep) is off the front solo, chased by Marc Soler (UAE Team Emirates – XRG) about 35 seconds back. A reduced peloton is another 30 seconds behind Soler. There are about 50 kilometers to go so obviously the breakaway’s only hope is if some great riders bridge up to them. Here’s a photo of Paret-Peintre. Sorry it’s so grainy … Peacock blocks screen captures, because you know, if people are able to grab still images of cycling footage, the terrorists win.

Since nothing important is happening at the moment, I’ll catch you up on what’s gone down in this stage race so far. First off, Tadej Pogacar (UAE Team Emirates XRG) is not here. If he were, I wouldn’t bother to watch, much less report, since he wins constantly, easily, almost inevitably, without needing any tactics. For example, he soloed with like 80 kilometers to go in Strade Bianche recently. He makes the race and the sport boring AF. (If you’re not familiar with the acronym “AF,” click here or ask a teenager.)

In Pogacar’s absence, his perennial nemesis Jonas Vingegaard (Team Visma – Lease A Bike) is dominating the Paris-Nice GC, having handily soloed to victory in stages 4 and 5. The Dane is 3:22 ahead of the next rider, Daniel Martinez (Red Bull – Bora Hansgrohe) and 5:50 ahead of Georg Steinhauser (EF Education – Easypost). So it would take a lot (e.g., a crash or illness) to shake up the GC today. The only really close GC battle is for the best young rider competition, which is currently led by Steinhauser who has just 19 seconds over Kevin Vauquelin (Ineos Granadiers). Fun fact about Steinhauser: he shortened his first name from George to Georg to save weight. It seems to be working. Rumor has it Vaquelin is going to start going by “Kev.” It’s what his girlfriend already calls him.

They interviewed Soler earlier and are showing that now:

INTERVIEWER: How are you feeling about the stage?

SOLER: It’s a good, tough stage and I’m only in sixth overall, so if I feel good, I’m going to attack.

INTERVIEWER: Let’s talk about that tantrum you threw during the 2019 Vuelta a Espana when you were off the front and your team called you back to help your team leader. That is, to do your fricking job. And then you were gesticulating and whining like a little bitch.

SOLER: Are you really bringing that up? Come on, man, I was young, inexperienced, hotheaded, and I made a mistake. Why do I have to be tortured about that for the rest of my life?

INTERVIEWER: It left an indelible memory. You were acting like a big spoiled child.

SOLER: Haven’t you ever done something you regret?

INTERVIEWER: Well, when I was in grammar school I lost an 8-inch acrylic rod. I cried for weeks.

Okay, I should come clean about something: I don’t always render those interviews all that accurately, especially if nobody’s saying anything interesting. And that bit about the 8-inch acrylic rod? That was my dad’s self-acknowledged “sole regret.” My brothers love to dredge that up, even more than Soler’s tantrum.

Speaking of Soler, he’s been caught.

The riders are starting their way up the Châteauneuf. Ineos heads the peloton, setting up their leader, Vauquelin. OMG, there’s a crash! It’s Martinez!

It looks like he was passing his teammate, who altered his line and bumped Martinez right into the ramped curb there, flipping him over. Martinez has gotten up but looks like he’s really suffering. His teammates drop back and the team car arrives. They’ve got him a new bike and his team is pacing him back up. But he’s lost a lot of time.

Ineos continues to pound the pedals and the gap to Paret-Peintre is coming down. Vauquelin sits fourth on GC, almost four minutes behind Martinez, so it’s possible he could make it on to the podium, if Martinez is hurt and isn’t able to keep that gap under control.

Getting back to my recap, in terms of the stage results, the first was won by an American, Luke Lamperti, in his first season with the EF Education – Easypost team. He then placed fifth in the second stage, thus keeping the yellow leader’s jersey and (virtually) the green points leader jersey. Stage 2 was won by Max Kanter (XDS Astana Team). The third stage was a team time trial, won by the Ineos Granadiers. Oddly, ASO—the race organizers—have been tinkering with the rules for their TTTs and instead of taking the fourth or fifth rider’s time, they take the first, so teams have much less incentive to stick together. I guess they’re embracing the every-man-for-himself, dog-eat-dog mindset more associated with Americans. Somebody should point this out to the ASO so they come to their senses and go back to the original rules. Anyhow, the result is that Lamperti was left for dead by his team and dropped to 70th place on GC. In the overall, one of the favorites, Juan Ayuso, was well served by his Lidl-Trek squad and took over the GC lead.

Getting back to today’s stage, Visma is on the front setting tempo, presumably to keep Steinhauser from attacking. They’re nearing the summit of this climb.

To finish up my recap, I already mentioned how Vingegaard handily won stages 4 and 5, destroying everyone else. Stage 4 was a monster, with absolutely frigid, wet conditions that saw Ayuso crashing out. Vingegaard was dressed in like five layers, with the straps of his bibs pulled up over his yellow jersey. It was really the most undignified look I’ve ever seen for a race winner. He didn’t do a victory salute at the end, probably for this reason. Stage 6 was won by another XDS Astana Team rider, Harold Tejada, in a bold solo move toward the end. And yesterday’s penultimate stage, which was supposed to have a mountaintop finish, was shortened to just 43 kilometers due to fresh snowfall in the mountains. It was absolutely frigid out there … look at this guy’s crazy getup.

Without the climbs, the stage ended up being another opportunity for the sprinters, with Dorian Godon (Ineos Granadiers) taking  the stage. Lamperti managed fifth, but this wasn’t good enough to save his green jersey.

I would say the most exciting aspect of Paris-Nice so far was this amazing snot comet that Godon had to contend with after his victorious but very cold race yesterday:

Commentators are already calling Godon  “the snottiest man in cycling.” Rumor has it that Kimberly –Clark, the company behind Kleenex, is offering him an endorsement deal.

Paret-Peintre is over the top and maintaining his lead. And now the GC group is up and over. Martinez looks pretty good in the chase group behind, his teammates pacing him and keeping the gap steady.

They’ve got a long descent now and Papi (I’m coining a nickname since I’m too lazy to keep typing the full hyphenated name) is really digging deep. I note that he’s on a Specialized bicycle, which bodes well for him, even if it’s 40 km to the finish.

Now Papi’s on an uncategorized climb and we shall see what this does to his lead. He’s clearly suffering, as his shoulders are rocking and his head is bobbling a bit. Not bobbing, mind you. Bobbling. That’s a much bigger deal.

Visma has three riders left in this group, which is more than other teams do. With Vingegaard’s main rival more than a minute back, Visma doesn’t have much to worry about. It’s not like Steinhauser could take six minutes out of him on the final climb, the Category 1 Côte du Linguador. I mean, it’s only 3.3 km.

It’s time to talk about climb rating inflation. Paris-Nice is terribly guilty of this: all week they’ve had these piddling little climbs they’re calling Cat 1s. It’s total BS. Just looking at today’s climbs, we have the Col de la Porte at Cat 1, and it’s only 7 km at 7.2%. And that Chateau thing they just did: Cat 1, but only 6.6 km at 6.6%. No way is that a true Cat 1 … it gains only 435 meters. You want to know a real Cat 1? The Col du Télégraphe, which is 11.9 km at 7.2%, gaining 1,567 meters. That’s more than triple the elevation gain!

Well, that last little climb was too much for poor Papi. His lead is down to nine seconds with 32 km to go. Surely he’ll get Most Aggressive for the day, which is kind of nice (but doesn’t come with a cash prize like he’d get on a Tour de France stage). Maybe he’ll at least get a bottle of salad dressing or something.

They show Martinez’s crash again and again, like it was the most spectacular footage ever. But it’s just not. We get the frontal shot, then the aerial view, and it’s like come on, the guy basically tipped over. I’m sure it hurt but it’s not that remarkable.

Papi is burying himself but it’s all for naught, you can see the GC group barreling toward him. It’s all over but the crying now. They should play the 1947 song of that name by the Ink Spots. But then, would fans even recognize it? I confess I’ve never heard that song in my life. Maybe I’ll cue it up on YouTube for the next Peacock commercial intermission—of which there are gobs throughout this footage, it’s really annoying.

Now the GC group has caught Papi and he dresses them down. “Thanks a lot, guys,” he complains. “You just shattered my dreams.”

The Red Bull – Bora Hansgrohe team is doing a great job for Martinez. The lead is now under a minute as they tackle this last “Category 1” climb. 

Vingegaard has just one teammate left, his super-domestique Victor Campenaerts, who is a total baller.

Campenaerts is totally drilling it and whoa, there Vingegaard goes! Launches a blistering attack! Suddenly the whole group is covered in blisters. That’s gotta hurt.

The Dane instantly has a huge gap over everyone except Lenny Martinez (Bahrain Victorious).

Back in what’s left of the GC group, Steinhauser is drilling it on the front, trying to reduce his losses and solidify his white jersey of best young rider. He has almost two minutes over Lenny on GC and just needs to keep that gap down, and set a high enough tempo to keep Vauquelin from going up the road.

The two stage leaders have just one klick to go on this climb. Is it klick or click? Let me set up a quick reader poll to decide. Oh, wait. I have no way of setting up a reader poll. Never mind.

Steinhauser has one teammate left so he should be able to defend his GC position. Lenny’s main ambition is likely a stage win. Somehow I doubt he’ll get it, unless he descends like a madman and Vingegaard doesn’t feel like taking any risks.

Sure enough, Lenny is going full throttle on the descent. Vingegaard is playing it safe but still keeping the gap fairly low. Behind, the other Martinez and his crew are keeping the gap to the white jersey group down to just over a minute.

The descent is a bit wet, and as a parent I kind of wince watching the riders sail through the curves. “Be careful, guys!”

Now the descent is over and Vingegaard goes to the front. I don’t see this breakaway getting caught unless the chase really gets organized. And after eight days of racing in the cold these guys probably have strabismus. What’s that? You’re confused? I’m trying to coin a new cycling term here. Surely you’ve heard the expression “cross-eyed” to indicate a rider going so hard he can’t see straight? I’m just trying to make it more clinical. Help me popularize “strabismus,” okay?

Vingegaard’s pulls are way faster than Lenny’s. It’s kind of amazing. They’re about a click/klick from an intermediate sprint point. If the Dane can take this sprint and the stage win, he’ll win the points award (alongside the KOM that he already has). Okay, they’re past it and Lenny got it. So now if Vingegaard wants the green jersey he needs to win the stage. I’d guess he kind of wants that anyway. (You think?)

They’re on the last little descent before the flat run-in, the gap to the white jersey group holding at 36 seconds. These guys are just flying, working really well together.

Surprisingly, the gap is coming down now. The leaders have lost about 10 seconds in the last couple minutes. Steinhauser is drilling it on the front. It’s possible this will come together but I kind of doubt it. As it is, I’m kind of excited for this finish … it’s really impossible to say whom I favor in the sprint.

Ah, the gamesmanship has begun, with Martinez not wanting to pull anymore!

Clearly Vingegaard wants him to lead it out but Lenny is slouching! But Vingegaard won’t pull through! That gap has got to be coming down! But this broadcast isn’t showing the split anymore.

Martinez leads out the sprint! He’s totally hauling ass!

But now Vingegaard is pulling level! It’s down to the wire!

Martinez is a total baller! He holds off the Dane and takes the win!

The rest of the group sprints in and honestly, I don’t actually care how the rest of them did. Okay, here’s the stage result.

They’re interviewing Lenny Martinez.

INTERVIEWER: Ayo, that stage looked brutal, bro.

MARTINEZ: For reals, that whole final stretch I got my director coming through my radio straight whylin’ like “don’t let this busta jack your stage win!”

INTERVIEWER: The action was getting’ straight-up hyphy with the chasers bearing down. And then Vingegaard be triflin’, makin’ you do the work. Kinda grimey!

MARTINEZ: Nah, Vingegaard is straight gully, I’d have done the same. Don’t be tellin’ fans I’m butt-hurt about that, I was just glad I didn’t get pwned in the end!

INTERVIEWER: Word up, you salted his move with a quickness! Balls like King Kong!

MARTINEZ: I’m super amped. That stage was off the chain!

Full disclosure: Martinez was interviewed in French and I’m not exactly fluent. I did my best to capture the gist and spirit of what they were saying.

Here’s Danny Martinez, who’s gotta be relieved he held on to his second overall after that crazy crash. He looks like he’s in a lot of pain.

Papi crosses the line almost seven minutes down. That’s got to be a big letdown. I hope he likes salad dressing. Let’s make that a new expression, okay? Whenever somebody misses out on a big achievement, but stands to get some piddly consolation prize, we can say “I hope he likes salad dressing.”

Here’s the final GC.

They’re interviewing Vingegaard.

INTERVIEWER: So you finally get a Paris-Nice victory, after being third in 2023 and abandoning last year.

VINGEGAARD: Yes, It’s the race I couldn’t get right, and now I finally get it right. I’m extremely happy to sit here in the yellow jersey.

INTERVIEWER: Happy because of the yellow jersey, or because you’re sitting?

VINGEGAARD: Honestly, it just feels good to sit down.

INTERVIEWER: Are you using this victory to send a message to Pogacar?

VINGEGAARD: Are you joking? What would that message be? “I can still win when you’re not there?” Or, “I’m still fairly competent, even if I can’t solo for 80 klicks?”

INTERVIEWER: Hey, how do you spell “klicks”? With a C or a K?

VINGEGAARD: Wow, that’s a fascinating question. I haven’t really thought about it but I will now. I’m really curious about it … could you do a poll or something? I’d love to see that.

INTERVIEWER: Unfortunately, no.

Well, the bit about “finally getting it right” and the question about “sending a message to Pocagar” were real, anyway.

Martinez takes the podium. This is actually pretty interesting: this is the first podium I’ve seen in years that features two women standing next to the winner, both of them attractive. In the olden days it was always two beautiful women on the podium and they’d kiss the winner simultaneously, which was admittedly kind of ridiculous, especially given how sweaty these guys are. So then the sport became embarrassed about that, and got rid of the podium girls entirely. They dabbled in having one man and one woman, attractive but very conservatively dressed, before devolving into a bizarre tradition of two utterly dumpy persons there, literally in like a dingy sweatshirt and, like, plum-colored pants and ugly sneakers. Even earlier in the week we were seeing that here. So it’s refreshing to see this now.

Vingegaard mounts the podium for his final yellow jersey, and we’re down to one attractive woman and one random guy. He’s not dumpy, exactly, but the mixture of khaki, charcoal, and purple seems haphazard. Who is this guy and why is he here? You can’t tell from the still photo but he looks just a little bit disoriented.

And now as the Dane gets his final polka-dot jersey, another rando mounts the podium and also seems confused. In fact, look at his gesture as he looks to Vingegaard for guidance. Kind of a palms-up, “hey, what do I do, I just kind of stand here?” kind of thing. They probably just pulled this guy off the street.

Papi did end up winning the Combativity award. Here he is with the latest rando, who really looks like he dressed in the dark this morning. Camelhair jacket, ratty jeans, and bright white Nike sneakers? And what’s that disco-looking shirt? I thought the French were en vogue and à la mode? This guy’s not even presentable. And nobody gives Papi any salad dressing.

And here’s your final GC podium. Sunglasses off, please!

Well, that’s it for Paris-Nice. Tune in next month for my exclusive blow-by-blow coverage of Paris-Roubaix! And, for my entire archive of past race reports, click here.

—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—
Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2025 Tour de France Stage 14

Introduction 

This year’s Tour de France started off really well, with an exciting first couple weeks. I’ll recount those as part of today’s albertnet coverage of Stage 14, a day of massive climbing in the Pyrenees. I’m not going to lie: Tadej Pogacar (UAE – Team Emirates XRG) is once again making the GC (i.e., overall) competition boring AF. (If you’re not familiar with the abbreviation “AF,” go ask a teenager.)

If this is your first time reading one of my blow-by-blow reports, be advised that I am not a professional journalist, which means I don’t worship brevity, I don’t always stick to the point, I never bite my tongue when a rider is doped or being dopey, and I’m not bitter about being poor. And today, during a lull, I plan to have the uncomfortable conversation (okay, monologue) about whether Pogacar could possibly be clean.

Tour de France Stage 14 – Pau to Luchon-Superbagnères

As I join the action, Lenny Martinez (Bahrain Victorious) is cresting the hors categorie (i.e., goes-up-to-11) Col du Tourmalet, solo. You can tell he’s a great climber because a) he’s rocking the polka-dot jersey of best climber, and b) he’s first atop the Tourmalet, duh! He’s either starting to put his jacket on, or plans to ride the entire stage no-handed as a stunt, determined to make this Tour interesting.

The big news the announcers are recapping is that the rider sitting third on GC going into today, Remco Evenepoel (Soudal Quick-Step), was dropped and decided just to abandon the Tour. This is called grit. This is called humility. This is what it means to have a work ethic. Wait, I’m getting confused. Actually this is the absence of these things, obviously. In this replay, Evenepoel waves off the cameraman.

Rumor has it Evenepoel is abandoning because I hurt his feelings in my coverage of the Dauphiné last month. Is there anything to this rumor? Well, it’s been well established that most of these riders do read albertnet, some of them even while riding or racing. (By “well established” I mean I assume this to be the case.)

Behind Martinez, a couple minutes back, is a group of sixteen riders including the American Sepp Kuss (Team Visma - Lease A Bike) and Valentin Paret Peintre (Soudal Quick-Step). As Martinez takes this wet descent very cautiously, Kuss and Peintre drop the rest of the chasers and start closing the gap to Martinez pretty quickly. I guess descending no-handed just isn’t very aerodynamic.

Martinez reaches the base of the Col d’Aspin, still riding no-handed. You gotta admire his pluck. He must have made a bet with someone he could pull this off, and is sticking to it even at the risk of losing the stage.

The two chasers are working well together and have the gap down to less than a minute now.

Just over a kilometer from the summit of the Aspin, Martinez  is still riding no-handed.

Back in the main peloton, Pogacar’s UAE team sets tempo at the front, keeping this gap down. They’re apparently worried about Tobias Johannessen (Uno-X Mobility), the highest-placed rider on GC, who sits in eighth place overall, “only” 10:36 behind Pogacar. Is it that that’s not enough of a gap to protect Pogacar’s yellow jersey, this group being about four minutes behind? Or is it that UAE has decided Pogacar needs to win every single remaining stage of this Tour, just to further ridicule the sport after his total domination of this Tour, the Dauphiné, and the classics season?

Martinez summits the Aspin and gets max KOM points, plus a €9,000 bonus.

Kuss and Paret-Peintre catch Martinez on the descent and the three begin the Peyresourde. Martinez has evidently given up on his bet, and has his hands on the handlebars for the first time all day. He looks pretty dejected. Meanwhile, Kuss fights with something stuck in his teeth. I hate it when this happens. Your tongue gets all sore trying to get that food particle out. It’s distracting.

Most of the rest of the chase group has caught the three leaders. Not far behind is Simon Yates, one of Kuss’s teammates.

Now Thymen Arensman (Ineos Grenadiers) attacks the group! Only Martinez and Johannessen can stay with him. And now they’re dropped.

Back in the main bunch, UAE continues to drive the pace, with their rider Pavel Sivakov really suffering. They’re bringing down the gap to the chase group considerably.

Arensman takes the summit solo, unless you count my cat who is clearly jealous of the attention this race is getting.

Martinez beats out the others for KOM points, experimenting with riding one-handed to see how fast that might be. Seems to be working for him.

Behind, the chase group has split in two, with Kuss in the second group.

As the riders take the final descent before beginning their assault of the Luchon-Superbagnères climb, I’ll fill you in on what’s gone down in this Tour so far. Jasper Philipsen (Alpecin-Deceuninck) won the first stage, which was one designed for the sprinters. Stage 2, also a sprinters’ stage, was incongruously almost won by Pogacar, whose lust for wins is insatiable. Only Mathieu Van der Poel (Alpecin-Deceuninck) was able to best him, and barely. Tim Merlier (Soudal Quick-Step) won stage 3, and then in stage 4—a lumpy route that should favor a breakaway—Pogacar overhauled Van der Poel in the final sprint and won, which isn’t at all weird for the best climber in the world. Stage 5 was a 33-kilometer (20.5-mile) time trial which Evenepoel handily won, with the big news being that Pogacar took second, just 16 seconds behind, utterly destroying his main rival (to the extent that he even has one), Team Visma - Lease A Bike’s Jonas Vingegaard, who finished all the way down in 13th, 1:21 behind the winner. This result put Pogacar in the yellow jersey. The next stage was won by Ben Healy (EF Education-Easypost), who is a total baller. Pogacar won again on stage 7, just ahead of Vingegaard. Stage 8 was flat and Jonathan Milan (Lidl-Trek) took it. Stage 9 was also flat, and unexpectedly exciting because Van der Poel broke away with a teammate over 100 miles from the finish, and then went solo with, I don’t know, ten miles to go. He almost held off the chase but was caught less than 700 meters from the line. Heartbreaking! Tim Merlier (Soudal Quick-Step) took that stage.

Things got interesting on stage 10, with a group of five riding clear and staying off to the finish. Its best-placed GC rider, Healy, couldn’t manage a second stage win but took enough time to snare the yellow jersey, becoming the first Irishman since Stephen Roche in 1987 to wear it. Simon Yates (Team Visma - Lease A Bike) won that stage. The commentators were questioning why Yates didn’t drop back to help Vingegaard in the GC battle behind, but I think the answer is obvious: nobody can beat Pogacar anyway, so the team might as well go for stage wins when it can. This is of course sad, for a team built around the GC, but it’s the reality of the sport right now.

Stage 11 was cool too, because a two-man breakaway barely managed to hold off the peloton, in addition to Van der Poel, who went after them solo and very nearly overhauled them in the last kilometer but fell tragically short. You should check out the finale not only for its nail-biting finish (my spoiler notwithstanding) but also because the Eurosport announcer yells, “A stupid, stupid person on the left!” referring to some crazy fan who ran out into the road waving a flag, and who gets chased out of the way and then full-on tackled by a race official. It was one of the real high points of this Tour. Jonas Abrahamsen (Uno-X Mobility) took the stage, a first for his rinky-dink Norwegian team.

Back to the action: as Arensman tackles the final climb solo, Mark Soler (UAE) drives the pace for Pogacar. They’re not far behind the chase group now, and on a climb this long they may well catch everybody, so we can be treated to another boring and devastating attack from Pogacar. It’s almost impossible to imagine Vingegaard even trying to attack him … the Dane hasn’t had the legs at any point during this Tour. That’s not a dig against him, by the way. His legs are great, they’re just not superhuman-space-alien.

Getting back to my recap, Stage 12 was the official start of the boring AF phase of this Tour, with Pogacar predictably attacking and soloing to victory. Remember how that used to be exciting? Before it became rote? He took over two minutes out of Vingegaard but it might as well have been twenty. The next stage, a 10.9-kilometer (6.8-mile) uphill time trial, was super boring, with Pogacar winning again, taking another 36 seconds out of Vingegaard, who not only showed the futility of his GC hopes but wore a breathtakingly ugly helmet.

This helmet became the big news of the day. Lamenting it, I texted my online race correspondent, “Vingegaard needs to be punished for that awful TT helmet. What a disgrace.” My correspondent replied, “Loser helmet.” I responded, “Yes, and a failing rider. Sad.” Then a friend emailed our bike team saying how his wife, seeing a bit of the race footage, “said [Vingegaard’s] helmet reminded her of a cartoon character from Fat Albert , which show she watched as a kid,” and attached this photo:

Another guy on our club replied, “That character is Dumb Donald.  And, well, Jonas looks dumb in that helmet.” Fair point. That being yesterday’s stage, this concludes my recap. 

And now the yellow jersey group has both chase groups in its sights, and will surely catch them. I’m not sure 2:33 will be enough of a gap for Arensman by the end, if things heat up in the GC battle.

The chase groups now merge, with only 20 seconds on the main group.

It’s time to talk about doping. Could Pogacar possibly be clean? Last year he won both the Giro d’Italia and the Tour de France, which is generally considered impossible in the modern cycling era; the last rider to achieve this was the famously doped Marco Pantani all the way back in 1998. This year, Pogacar rode a full classics schedule, winning the Tour of Flanders, Liège–Bastogne–Liège, La Flèche Wallonne, and taking second in Paris-Roubaix, second in the Amstel Gold Race, and third in Milan-San Remo (a true sprinter’s race). Then he absolutely dominated the Critérium du Dauphiné, taking the overall and three stage wins and making it all look easy. His improvement since 2023 has been astonishing. This year he did the Hautacam climb almost a minute and a half faster than Vingegaard did it in 2022, and only 30 seconds off the all-time record set in 1996 by Bjarne Riis (aka “Mr. 60%,” referring to his ski-high EPO-fueled hematocrit). My rule of thumb is: if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

But that’s not my entire case against Pogacar; for that we need to look to his UAE team director, Mauro Gianetti, who was investigated for doping as a rider after having a major health breakdown during the 1998 Tour of Romandy and spending ten days in the ICU. A teammate of Gianetti’s at that time, Stéphane Heulot, speaking to a reporter ten years later, spoke candidly about Gianetti, who had retired and moved on to managing the Saunier Duval team: “Doping is so ingrained in certain managers, like Gianetti, that they can't conceive of cycling any other way.” Ironically, Heulot asserted this while serving as the PR manager for the Saunier Duval team. (Presumably not for much longer.)

As described here, Saunier Duval’s results bear out Heulot’s skepticism: “In 2008, [Gianetti’s] team’s rising star, Riccardo Riccò, was arrested after testing positive for EPO, the blood-boosting hormone. Gianetti’s Saunier Duval team quit that year’s Tour and Riccò landed a 12-year ban.” Another rider on that team, Leonardo Piepoli, who’d already been kicked out of that Tour for “ethical violations,” tested positive for CERA the next year. Then, in 2011, Gianetti managed the Geox-TMC team, whose unsung leader Juan José Cobo came out of nowhere to win the Vuelta a España (beating no less a doper than Chris Froome), only to have his victory stripped years later due to “irregularities in his biological passport.”  So you do the math: a rider whose exploits seem extraterrestrial rides for a team whose manager had been investigated for doping as a rider and went on to head up two different famously doped teams. Hell, Gianetti even looks like a villain.

Okay, back to the coverage. Félix Gall (Decathlon AG2R La Mondiale Team) attacks the yellow jersey group! It’s a good move, but unfortunately he looks like a jackass because his handlebars are so narrow. It’s like something you’d see in a cartoon.

Gall goes straight past the chase group.

Gall sits ninth on GC, 11:43 behind Pogacar. So UAE might give him some leash, if they decide they can’t set up Pogacar for yet another stage wine. Did I mean win? Yeah, but I’m going to leave it. Even the word “win” has become boring. Adam Yates leads the chase for UAE.

Gall has 26 seconds on the group behind. He’s about two minutes behind Arensman, with five kilometers (three miles) left. He may have a shot … Arensmen looks like he’s really suffering, shoulders rocking.

One of the commentators just mentioned how strong Arensmen is on the long climbs, citing his “diesel” engine. This is commentator shorthand for how diesel engines, designed for compression ignition, utilize a much higher compression ratio (typically 14:1 to 25:1) compared to gasoline engines (8:1 to 12:1). This higher compression is crucial for igniting the fuel without spark plugs. Glow plugs, however, are typical in diesel engines. The metaphorical implication for cycling ought to be fairly obvious to just about anyone.

Back in the GC group, Vingegaard attacks!

I’m not sure it deserved an exclamation point because he’s already looking back, just assuming Pogacar easily handled it. You can always tell when an attack is in vain, when the attacker is looking behind instead of ahead.

Florian Lipowitz (Red Bull – BORA – Hansgrohe), who started the day in fourth overall, is trying to match the pace. Lipowitz is a baller, having taken third overall in the Critérium du Dauphiné last month and getting second in this year’s Paris-Nice. And with Evenepoel out, he’ll most likely make the podium and get the Best Young Rider award in this Tour.

Lipowitz is dropped, and Pogacar takes the front. And just like that, the two GC contenders overhaul Gall. Gall must have detonated.

Now it’s a matter of Arensman hanging on for the win. He should do it, as he’s got plenty of time, and if Pogacar is content to sit on Vingegaard, the two will just blob along until the end and not make up so much time.

As Arensman reaches the 1-kilometer-to-go kite, it looks like he’s peeing.

Arensman gets the win and does the “I can’t believe it” victory salute.

Now Pogacar will wait for the right moment to crush Vingegaard, who continues to look back.

Ah, and there Pogi goes. He easily overtakes Vingegaard and demolishes him in the run to the line.

Now Vingegaard is being interviewed, before he’s even had a chance to climb off his bike and put on a big puffy sweatshirt.

INTERVIEWER: Well, you attacked at least, which I think is kind of cute.

VINGEGAARD: To be honest, it was a hard day. One of the hardest mountain stages I’ve ever done.

INTERVIEWER: What do you mean “to be honest”? Do you normally lie during interviews? And would you expect me to doubt your assertion that it was hard?

VINGEGAARD: Congratulations to Arensman, he had a great ride today, and it’s nice to see somebody distinguish himself in some way, as opposed to what I did, which was just a half-assed attack with a lot of looking back, which you can see is all I’m capable of.

INTERVIEWER: Since you referred to today’s winner by his last name, instead of “Thymen,” I’m gathering you two aren’t friends? Would you say you lack for friends in the peloton in general? Kind of an introvert? Do the others bully you?

VINGEGAARD: If you don’t mind, I think I’d like to go find a big puffy sweatshirt.

INTERVIEWER: Yes, go be alone now. Go find an armchair and a throw blanket and bury your face in a literary novel.

If you’re new to this blog, I should caution you that I tend to play fast and loose with these interviews. When they become boring, I tend to ad lib a bit. But Vingegaard really did say “to be honest, it was hard,” and did congratulate Arensman. Though not to his face. So maybe he is shy.

Now they’re interviewing Arensman.

INTERVIEWER: So, you won today. Obviously. How did you do it?

ARENSMAN: Well, I had good preparation—

INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTING): Meaning you doped.

ARENSMAN: It’s my first Tour, I had to be patient, it was already amazing to be second on the Andorra stage—

INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTING AGAIN): No it wasn’t.

ARENSMAN: Come again?

INTERVIEWER: It wasn’t amazing when you got second on that stage. It was perfectly inevitable. Somebody always wins, somebody is always second, etc. Had you won, I guess that would have been, well, remarkable, though really probably not amazing. Now, Martinez trying to do the whole stage no-handed, and managing to move into the KOM lead in the process … that’s amazing.

ARENSMAN: That’s not even true. You talk dog farts.

Here are the stage results. You can see Pogacar took four seconds out of Vingegaard in the final sprint.

And here is the new GC. Everyone moves up a spot because of Evenepoel abandoning. Lipowitz is now solidly in third, having taken around 40 seconds out of Oscar Onley (Team Picnic PostNL) today.

Now Arensman mounts the podium. I have noticed that the ASO is gradually returning to the podium girl tradition. For a good while, there would be just one podium girl, usually a fairly plain one in a very modest outfit, and not very close to the podium, with a dumpy middle-aged man on the other side, closer to the podium. It was like the organizers were distancing themselves from the tradition. But they’ve been gradually moving the podium girl closer to the stage, and putting a male model on the other side. This podium girl is watching Arensman and trying not to look perplexed, but he’s just standing there, not knowing what to do … she’s surely thinking, “Dude, aren’t you going to put your arms up?”

For the most part, they’ve also abandoned the tradition of the winner getting kisses from the podium girl. The rider instead just accepts the flowers with an awkward little head nod. The exception is Van der Poel, who either didn’t get the memo or can’t be bothered to comply. Each time he’s been on the podium in this Tour he’s given the podium girl kisses, and she hasn’t seemed to mind, and has in fact looked, to me, pleasantly surprised. The last time this happened the cameraman, thinking quickly, panned to a flashy blond woman in the audience, presumably Van der Poel’s girlfriend, to get her reaction. She was pretty chill about it.

Pogacar gets another yellow jersey and another stuffed lion. This podium girl is a real professional, managing to look legitimately happy when she must be freezing her arse off in that sleeveless dress while the podium dude is in a wool suit and Pogacar has a nice thermal cap.

And now Lipowitz gets his white jersey for Best Young Rider. I hope he doesn’t get signed as a domestique by UAE or Visma … I’d like to see him challenging the perennial favorites in the years to come. Note the mismatched blue of the podium guy’s suit vs. the podium girl’s dress. Funny story there: that’s actually a bridesmaid dress she almost threw away but saved for some reason, and now she got to wear it here!

Now they’re interviewing Pogacar.

INTERVIEWER: It looks like you practically phoned it in today, until your sprint where you once again humiliated Vingegaard.

POGACAR: The team did a super good job, I’m really really happy.

INTERVIEWER: When I asked you last year about carbon monoxide rebreathing, you denied any knowledge of it and replied, “I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m just uneducated.” But then a day later, after your team admitted doing it, you seemed to suddenly remember and said, “I didn’t quite understand the question. It’s not like you’re breathing exhaust pipes in a car. It’s just a simple test to see how you respond to altitude training.” Doesn’t that seem like backpedaling?

POGACAR: Arensman deserved this victory with a super good race.

INTERVIEWER: I see you’re not going to answer my question. Next I suppose you’ll be talking about the weather.

POGACAR: If my nose were a little less clogged I would be really happy with today’s weather but when you’re a bit under the weather it’s kind of, this kind of weather, it doesn’t help, but always, when it’s like this, I have the legs.

INTERVIEWER: Are you literally claiming to be absolutely dominating this Tour even while you have a cold? Seriously?

POGACAR: I think I hear my mom calling.

Obviously I made up a lot of that, but a journalist really did investigate Pogacar’s (and Vingegaard’s) practice of carbon monoxide rebreathing, and you should click that link above. Note that in this case I recorded Pogacar’s words as close to verbatim as I could (until the end). He really did say he’s under the weather. Sheesh.

Well, that’s about it for the 2025 Tour … barring some catastrophe, Pogacar will win it in boring AF fashion. Best case, Vingegaard can at least get a stage win. Or a stage wine. Or maybe just another stage whine.

—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—
Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.