NOTE: This post is rated R for coarse humor and pervasive
profanity.
Introduction
It’s gift-giving time! Let’s go gifting! Or better yet, let’s stay at home in our fuzzy slippers and gift from here!
Then we won’t even have to touch the godawful shit we’re foisting on friends
and family! All we gotta do is pay! We don’t even have to come up with our own
ideas, because it’s not the thought that counts—it’s the money! So here is my
online gift guide … all the crap you wouldn’t want for yourself but will
gladly—for some reason—give to others!
How about a Keurig?
A Keurig coffeemaker is the gift that says, “I know you
can’t figure out coffee filters, French presses, Mr. Coffee, or any other
normal way of making coffee!” For the hapless, clueless, or just plain lazy, here’s another giant hunk of
single-purpose plastic appliance—the Death Star of coffeemakers—to clutter up
that kitchen counter!
It even takes little cartridge pods so your loved one can
create maximum waste! And when he loads the pod he can pretend he’s slapping a
magazine into some hi-tech weapon! But wait, there’s more! Your lucky recipient
doesn’t have to make do with plain old coffee: with specialty K-Cup pods he can enjoy blueberry, caramel
vanilla, and even French-toast flavored beverages, and pretend he’s one of
those loser kids in the Willy Wonka movie! And that’s not all: this little
coffee-brewing jewel comes with a 30” cord so if your gift recipient still
manages to screw up his coffee—perhaps by running out of K-Cup pods—he can just
strangle himself!
Wow, a nostalgic
candle!
Look, you can send that former Texan in your life a fabulous
scented candle that says “homesick” on it! That way his friends will know he
wishes he still lived there instead of wherever he ended up! Kind of like
celebrating the lack of agency in his life!
But it’s not just a statement, it’s an actual candle! It smells
like dark leather, fresh pine, fish bones, thick lemon slices (which smell
different from thin lemon slices for some reason), combined with cyclamen and a
touch of sage to summon the big, bold aura of the Lone Star State! And you what
else? Since a big Texan man might think it’s a bit wussy to have a fancy candle in his home, it also smells a lot like an old
dried-out cow pie! But just in case that seems kind of dirt-baggy, the label informs guests
that this candle is “Made in small batches in the USA!” Holy shit, this
big-hearted, big-hatted dude is gonna love
it! It’s the elegant home furnishing that says “Don’t mess with Texas!”
Internet-connected, voice-activated
smoke detector!
This hot little number is for that special person who is good
and fed up with standard smoke alarms that, when they go on the blink—and they
always do—are impossible to silence. They shriek and howl, as does anybody in
earshot, and no little button can ever stop the sound, nothing can, not until
you’ve clawed at the alarm, banged on it, and eventually ripped it out of the
ceiling, taking those stupid little molly-bolts and a bunch of drywall with it,
and smashed it on the floor. Well, those days are finally over for the person
lucky enough to be on your gift list! Finally, when this thing goes
off—announcing in a computer voice (that is somehow even more excruciating than
the standard shrieking) exactly what dangerous vapor is supposedly threatening
her home—she just can scream at it, “ALEXA:
SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Macho coffee!
Give your boyfriend, husband, father, or son the gift that
says, “I’m all about turning every aspect of my life into a pissing contest!”
It’s badass coffee in a black package with a daring skull-and-crossbones logo!
And in case that’s not enough to impress his guests, it even
has a warning label on the back!
Oh my god, this shit could kill somebody who isn’t ready for a big, bold taste and gobs of
caffeine! And you know what? If you bought this poor bastard a Keurig
coffeemaker last year and he’s still trying to fish his male ego out of the gutter, this strong-ass coffee will be perfect!
Electric roller skates
that are also Segways!
You know that nerdy friend who actually wanted a Segway, but
couldn’t afford one? And wanted the Google Glass but couldn’t get on the list?
The friend who wishes there was a such thing as a wireless Internet-connected
fanny pack? Well guess what? Segway makes “Electric Hovershoes” which are like
roller skates you get to stand on instead of wearing! And they’re electric! And
they have headlights and taillights!
These things are so fucking weird your friend will think
they’re a hoax, until he tries them! Who’s laughing now!? He’ll be so thrilled he’ll almost die, until he finds out you
don’t have a pair yourself so he’ll have to go skating all by his lonesome! But
guess what? That’s just more babes for him! Win-win!
The Sweetgrass Boxed
Set!
That sensitive—and literary—soul in your life probably can’t
get enough books about humility, our sacred earth, and how to rebuild our
relationships with plants, animals, and humans alike, learning from our
plant-based elders. She also can’t get enough beautiful words like “meadow” and
“compassion.” So give her the gift of sweetgrass—a treasure trove of books on
the subject!
Included are Braiding
Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer, The
Road Back to Sweetgrass: A Novel by Linda LeGarde Grover, Sweetgrass by Jan Hudson, Sweetgrass Basket by Marlene Carvell, Sweetgrass by Mary Alice Monroe,
and—just for the hell of it—Eat, Pray,
Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything by Elizabeth Gilbert! And they’re
all packaged up in a beautiful faux-sweetgrass box lined with—you guessed
it!—satin.
Camouflage bedding!
There’s a certain kind of man in your life who doesn’t have the
time—or the headspace—for humility, for our sacred earth, for rebuilding
relationships, or for plant-based elders. He’s a glowering, brooding type … and you know what he’s brooding
about? Security. Protection. He doesn’t pretend for a minute that there aren’t
threats—very real threats, clear and present dangers—and being prepared for them
always falls to him since the little woman has her head in the clouds over
satin-lined gift boxes and journeys to authenticity and belonging, shit like
that. Who’s gonna keep this family safe during the most vulnerable time—when everybody’s
lying in bed, fast asleep? Well, those dangerous would-be burglars and
kidnappers will have to find this family first, am I right? And just try it
with these badass camouflage bed sheets.
And guess what? If that intruder bastard’s tactical
flashlight does foil the camo, there’s another little surprise in store: this
comforter is an American fucking flag! Just
so that bitch-ass punk knows what kind of patriot he’s dealing with! If he doesn’t just absolutely shit himself on the spot, he
must be blind or something!
Sloth tea infuser!
There’s nothing worse than giving a humdrum gift, right?
It’s always better to give your loved one something that causes utter
bewilderment. Imagine your mirth when the lucky recipient unwraps this flabby
figurine and resists the urge to blurt out, “What the hell is it?!” Well, she’ll figure it out. It’s a (pretend) sloth that your
friend or cousin fills with her favorite loose tea and hangs on the end of her mug—or
better, on the edge of her glass, so she can watch the lazy mammal appear to
pee in her hot water!
And not to worry, this clever little sloth is made of
food-safe, BPA-free silicone so it’s soft, non-toxic, and (obviously)
tasteless! Your friend can stop worrying about teabags clogging up landfills or
compost bins … clean-up is a cinch! She just discards the loose tea leaves, and
hell, while she’s at it, the whole damn sloth as well! Throw its arboreal ass
out into the street!
Star Wars cookbook!
The perfect gift for that rare, rare breed: the Star Wars fanatic who knows how to cook,
or wants to learn! Inspired by Disneyland and the almost incomprehensibly venal
cynicism of Hollywood, this actual hardback book is full of recipes for such
made-up non-foods as Roasted Kajaka Root, Fried Endorian Tip-Yip, and Parwan
Nutricakes.
The recipient’s dinner guests will have no basis to evaluate
the authenticity of these dishes, so it’s a can’t-lose proposition! Maybe
you’ll get invited over for Laser-Fried Deep Space Oysters (yes, that does mean
wookie testicles)!
Freak his shit out!
OMG, do you have one of those boyfriends who’s totally
insensitive about others’ crippling emotional problems? The kind of guy who
learns that a mutual friend is in therapy and says something coarse about it
behind the person’s back, like “Get a backbone”? Well, no time like the
holidays to turn the tables! Get that callous motherfucker a pair of custom-printed boxers
with your face right in the crotch!
He’ll be freaking out and sweating bullets even before you insist, quite forcefully,
that he put them on! Drag him over to the mirror and say something shocking
like, “Look babe, you’ve got me where you want me!” Hold his damn eyelids open
like in A Clockwork Orange and make him look at that shit!
When he stammers out some incredulous protest, you’ll be
like, “What’s the matter, honey? Don’t you like
them?” He’ll be so emotionally shattered he’ll lose his sex drive
altogether! He’ll wake up in the night screaming! And then you break up with
that insensitive prick! His New Year’s Resolution will be to try to put the
pieces of his psyche back together!
Incongruous t-shirt!
Everyone on your list could use a new t-shirt—and this isn’t
just any t-shirt. It says “Unicorns
are born in July” on it because, well, God, who the hell knows? I guess that’s
kind of the point, right? Unless I’m missing something? Damn, this thing is perfect!
Imagine your joy watching that friend, daughter, or sister
do the math, trying to figure out when exactly those unicorn parents had sex to
give birth in July. Except how long does a unicorn gestate? That’s an easy
one—340 days!
Now, you might think this gift is only appropriate for
someone born in July who identifies as a unicorn, right? Wrong! Everyone else
can wear this shirt ironically!
Vanity beard comb!
If your man not only has a beard that’s so long he has to
comb it, but is willing to actually take time doing this, let’s face it:
chances are he’s a bit of a narcissist. But that doesn’t mean he’s not vain,
too! Make sure you stroke his ego along with his beard, with this beautiful
walnut-wood beard comb engraved with “DANGEROUS MAN.”
Yes, he’s not only a hipster, but he’s a bit of a rogue!
Kind of a blackguard, really, and not above a bit of savagery—you gotta keep an
eye on him! This little folding comb suggests those straight razors that
certain murderers like to cut throats with, but don’t worry, these teeth don’t
bite! Your man’s beard has never been so soft—and his heart so hard! Are you
getting hot yet?
Just a shit-ton of
batteries!
You know what’s harder than finding the perfect gift?
Charging those stupid nickel-metal hydride batteries! What a pain in the ass. Those
stupid chargers with the little colored lights that make no sense—like, why
does it light up green when I plug it
in, when I’m pretty sure these batteries are dead? Does the light go out when they’re charged, or does this
mean the battery is already charged?
Is this charger fucking stupid? Well
guess what? Your lucky friend or family member doesn’t have to worry about that
anymore, because you just gave him a shit-ton of old-school, single-use
batteries!
And it’s all guilt-free because he didn’t choose them and it’s too late now to
worry about it! For once he won’t be secretly bummed about his gift and
thinking, “What am I gonna do with this?”
With this inarguably useful gift, you’ll be a damned hero!
Note
In case you’re wondering, all of the above are real products except the Braiding Sweetgrass Boxed Set. All the books listed are real but you can’t actually get them in a boxed set (at least, not yet).
Note
In case you’re wondering, all of the above are real products except the Braiding Sweetgrass Boxed Set. All the books listed are real but you can’t actually get them in a boxed set (at least, not yet).
--~--~--~--~--~--~--~---~--
For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.
No comments:
Post a Comment