Dear Insensitive Man,
My husband won’t admit his own insecurities and masks them by finding fault with other men, in a transparent effort to bolster his own ego. For example: he totally bags on men who ride electric scooters. I mean, these guys are getting around quickly, doing something for climate change, and not hurting anyone … what’s the problem? Is there any way, short of expensive counseling, to shore up my husband’s self esteem so he’ll stop doing this?
Martha V, Portland, OR
Dear Martha,
Does your husband criticize all kinds of other men and this is one example among many? Because if it’s just the scooters, I think you’re misinterpreting the situation. Any person in his—or her—right mind would rightly lambast adults riding scooters. I mean, have some dignity! Be a grown-up! No amount of energy efficiency is worth discarding one’s self-respect. Also consider that those things are a menace, due to their small wheels and their silent, swift tendency to appear out of nowhere. Imagine the unfortunate motorist who kills a scooter rider and has to live with the memory of that, even if the person killed was a twit.
Dear Insensitive Man,
I get no empathy from my husband when I open up to him about how hard ageing is on me, especially when I contemplate how saggy and crepey my neck is getting. He just blows me off like my grievance is unimportant. Does he just not even see me anymore?
Candace R, Newark, NJ
Dear Candace,
Men don’t care about necks, only women do (and of course you’re in good company, what with Nora Ephron’s classic essay “I Feel Bad About My Neck”). Generally if a man, be it your husband or anybody else, is looking anywhere in the vicinity of your head, he’ll notice your mouth and eyes more. And it’s widely accepted that many a man may call himself “a tits man” or “an ass man,” but I have yet to meet a “neck man.” I mean, think about it: can you imagine a guy describing a first date to a pal and having the pal ask, “So … how’s her neck?” It’s absurd. (Again, if you’re worried about what other women think about your neck, that’s an entirely different matter. Just don’t go dragging us men into it.)
Dear Insensitive Man,
I am eight months pregnant and my husband seems oblivious to all the suffering and indignity I’m going through, what with the weight gain, the nausea, my feet hurting all the time, and on and on. How can I wake him up and maybe get a little empathy, or at least some more help around the house?
Kim Reed, Oakland, CA
Dear Kim,
If your husband is normally more sympathetic, such as when you’ve got the flu or a twisted ankle, you might chalk this up to him not knowing how to react to the pregnancy, given the strangeness of your metamorphosis and the drastic life change and awesome responsibility he knows is about to descend upon your lives. (Or maybe I’m just making excuses … after all, when my wife complained about such pregnancy-related discomforts, I replied, “If it’s any consolation, I feel great!”) Hang in there, shame your husband into helping more, and hope for the best. And don’t worry, you’ll get to turn the tables one day when it’s time for his vasectomy and he gets dry-shaved with a 25-cent Bic. Sure, his suffering will be briefer than yours, but at least you’ll have a moment to throw it in his face … that and every other trivially painful situation he may encounter after witnessing childbirth.
Dear Insensitive Man,
I truly believe there is something wrong with my husband. Although he’s a loving father and enjoys reading to our young daughters, he’s managed time and again to read aloud the brilliantly touching Love You Forever children’s book, from cover to cover, without crying at the end. Not a single tear, not once! How is this possible? Is he actually a heartless, unfeeling iceberg?
Sarah M, Topeka, KS
Dear Sarah,
Don’t worry, there is nothing wrong with your husband. He doesn’t cry while reading Love You Forever simply because the book is actually not that touching. When you cry reading it, it’s probably because it’s giving you a good excuse, and you were probably going to cry sooner or later anyway. Let me tell you a story: in college, a friend once invited me to movie night at her sorority house. This seemed like a great deal: a free movie and snacks, plus I’d be surrounded by beautiful girls I could possibly hit on! The problem was, the movie was “Fried Green Tomatoes,” a total chick-flick. Before the opening credits were even over, every single girl was already crying, and then as the movie progressed they all shot daggers at me. It seems I’d stumbled into what was probably supposed to be a female bonding ritual, basically a chance to cry together, and maybe Love You Forever is in that insta-cry vein. (All this being said, if your husband can make it through reading The Gardner aloud without crying, why then yes, something is wrong with him.)
Dear Insensitive Man,
My brother-in-law accused my husband of, and I quote, “whining like a little bitch.” My husband hasn’t said anything about it, but I think his feelings were really hurt. Would it be inappropriate for me to confront my brother-in-law and let him know he owes his brother an apology?
Jan K, Cheney, WA
Dear Jan,
Most of my friends call me a whiny little bitch from time to time, and it doesn’t bother me a bit—this is just how a lot of men talk. In fact, it’s almost like a compliment, because it means they know I can take it. And if occasionally I reply, “That really hurts my feelings,” they know I’m joking. Now, if you’re worried about “bitch” being sexist, consider that many modern men call each other “bitch” all the time, and that it’s gradually evolving into a gender-neutral term, via a process linguists call “semantic bleaching.”
Dear Insensitive Man,
My husband is a big pain in the ass when it comes to hiring a tradesman, such as a plumber or handyman. It’s like his male ego can’t handle it. So he says he’ll do something, but then puts it off. Even when I suggest he hire somebody simply because he has better things to do with his time, he acts all butt-hurt. Is there no way out?
Tina O, Brooklyn, NY
Dear Tina,
I can see two main sources for your husband’s hesitation, and both may apply. One, he’s a cheap bastard; two, he doesn’t want to admit he’s incapable. Don’t be too bummed about this; I mean, imagine if your guy was lame, and shameless, and didn’t even know how to change the filter in your furnace or program your thermostat, or if he paid a bike shop to fix a flat tire on your commuter bike. (Is it wrong of me to assume you’d look to him to do these things? Of course it is, I’m an insensitive man!) As for the solution, that’s easy: wait until he’s away all day at a ball game or camping trip, and hire the handyman while he’s gone. When he gets home and acts all irritated, a) consider that he’s probably faking it and is secretly relieved, and b) turn it around and say, “Honey, I wanted it to be a surprise!” (Note: don’t say “honey” unless you routinely call him this. My wife only says “honey” when she’s pissed at me.)
Dear Insensitive Man,
A friend of mine recently transitioned to a new gender identity. My dad is sloppy—perhaps conveniently sloppy—about remembering my friend’s chosen name and affirmed pronoun. I think my dad is being passive-aggressive, and that deep down inside he is reluctant or even unwilling to adapt to this societal evolution. Is there some way to get through to this man?
Alicia C, Los Angeles, CA
Dear Alicia,
I suspect it’s the case that your dad is actually trying, but is having difficulty shedding the habit of using the deadname and previous pronoun, especially if he’s known your friend for years. That you say “sloppy” suggests that your dad sometimes gets it right, whereas a non-affirming traditionalist is likely to be boldly defiant and unapologetic. If your dad apologizes, he probably means it and you should cut him some slack. But if he slanders your friend’s transition openly, you have my permission to kick your old man in the balls.
Dear Insensitive Man,
My husband is a generous tipper when he tips, but he seems a bit stingy when deciding who deserves a tip and who doesn’t. For example, when we were traveling recently he didn’t tip a really friendly hotel concierge who gave us great advice on a local restaurant. What do you do with a husband who is insensitive to the service sector?
Lisa S, New Haven, CT
Dear Lisa,
If your husband tips baristas, hotel maids, cab drivers, parking valets, and bartenders, and at counter-service restaurants, I doubt he’s insensitive to the service sector. Frankly, I wouldn’t have tipped the concierge either—it’s that guy’s job to be generally helpful and courteous, and to be given a cash tip for dispensing friendly advice might actually insult him. Ask yourself this: did your husband tip you the first time you had sex? Did you wish he had?
Dear Insensitive Man,
Is it possible to be too sensitive? It seems like my son does all the dishes for his entire household. Every time we talk on the phone I hear him doing dishes in the background. Is my daughter-in-law taking advantage of him?
Jill A, Ashland, OH
Dear Jill,
I don’t think this is about sensitivity or progressivism, but probably just an arrangement that works. Does your son’s wife do more of the cooking than he does? If so, this could be a perfectly fair trade. It could also be that on some level your husband actually enjoys doing the dishes, or at least finds it soothing. It also could be that, if he’s punctilious and efficient about it and you are slapdash, that he’d rather do it right than have you do it wrong. I watched some stand-up comic on Netflix recently who said there are two kinds of men: those who have a particular way of loading the dishwasher, and those who step out on their wives. I think she’s on to something.
Dear Insensitive Man,
My boyfriend has this nagging habit of pooh-poohing very real world problems like climate change, overpopulation, and threats to democracy. Particularly when these are discussed among friends, he just clams up, though he’s normally a pretty gregarious guy. People we socialize with may well get the idea he just doesn’t care about anything, when I know this man’s heart is good. How can I housetrain him to be more politic?
Vivian L, San Francisco, CA
Dear Vivian,
Hang on to that guy, he could be a good influence on you! If he really doesn’t care, that could be a red flag, but it’s just as likely he simply doesn’t consider these worthy topics of conversation—in which case I agree 100%. I mean, what are you and your friends going to actually solve, unless you are in politics or members of a think tank? Maybe he needs to housetrain you to be less political.
Dear Insensitive Man,
I have just started shaving. While I was home from college for the summer, my dad watched me shave with my new Gillette ProGlide razor and started giving me a hard time for how I let the “Shaving Industrial Complex” dupe me into overspending on blades just because I’m afraid I might cut myself. He called my razor a “child’s toy.” He’s normally a pretty good guy but what the actual fuck?! Can you tell him how lame he’s being so I can show him the column and get him to lighten up?
Henry C, Las Cruces, NM
Dear Henry,
I hate to break it to you, but your dad is completely in the right on this one. It looks like the replacement blades for your razor run about four bucks apiece, vs. under 25 cents for a proper double-edged blade, made for a traditional steel razor, that actually provides a closer shave. The ProGlide is stupid, plastic, and does look like a toy, and you need to man up here. Shaving is just not that complicated. If you need inspiration check out “Ode on a Double-Edged Razor.”
An Insensitive Man is a syndicated journalist whose advice column, “Ask an Insensitive Man,” appears in over 0 blogs worldwide.
—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—
Email me here.
For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.
