Ask an Insensitive Man

Dear Insensitive Man,

My husband won’t admit his own insecurities and masks them by finding fault with other men, in a transparent effort to bolster his own ego. For example: he totally bags on men who ride electric scooters. I mean, these guys are getting around quickly, doing something for climate change, and not hurting anyone … what’s the problem? Is there any way, short of expensive counseling, to shore up my husband’s self esteem so he’ll stop doing this?

Martha V, Portland, OR

Dear Martha,

Does your husband criticize all kinds of other men and this is one example among many? Because if it’s just the scooters, I think you’re misinterpreting the situation. Any person in his—or her—right mind would rightly lambast adults riding scooters. I mean, have some dignity! Be a grown-up! No amount of energy efficiency is worth discarding one’s self-respect. Also consider that those things are a menace, due to their small wheels and their silent, swift tendency to appear out of nowhere. Imagine the unfortunate motorist who kills a scooter rider and has to live with the memory of that, even if the person killed was a twit.

Dear Insensitive Man,

I get no empathy from my husband when I open up to him about how hard ageing is on me, especially when I contemplate how saggy and crepey my neck is getting. He just blows me off like my grievance is unimportant. Does he just not even see me anymore?

Candace R, Newark, NJ

Dear Candace,

Men don’t care about necks, only women do (and of course you’re in good company, what with Nora Ephron’s classic essay “I Feel Bad About My Neck”). Generally if a man, be it your husband or anybody else, is looking anywhere in the vicinity of your head, he’ll notice your mouth and eyes more. And it’s widely accepted that many a man may call himself “a tits man” or “an ass man,” but I have yet to meet a “neck man.” I mean, think about it: can you imagine a guy describing a first date to a pal and having the pal ask, “So … how’s her neck?” It’s absurd. (Again, if you’re worried about what other women think about your neck, that’s an  entirely different matter. Just don’t go dragging us men into it.)

Dear Insensitive Man,

I am eight months pregnant and my husband seems oblivious to all the suffering and indignity I’m going through, what with the weight gain, the nausea, my feet hurting all the time, and on and on. How can I wake him up and maybe get a little empathy, or at least some more help around the house?

Kim Reed, Oakland, CA

Dear Kim,

If your husband is normally more sympathetic, such as when you’ve got the flu or a twisted ankle, you might chalk this up to him not knowing how to react to the pregnancy, given the strangeness of your metamorphosis and the drastic life change and awesome responsibility he knows is about to descend upon your lives. (Or maybe I’m just making excuses … after all, when my wife complained about such pregnancy-related discomforts, I replied, “If it’s any consolation, I feel great!”) Hang in there, shame your husband into helping more, and hope for the best. And don’t worry, you’ll get to turn the tables one day when it’s time for his vasectomy and he gets dry-shaved with a 25-cent Bic. Sure, his suffering will be briefer than yours, but at least you’ll have a moment to throw it in his face … that and every other trivially painful situation he may encounter after witnessing childbirth.

Dear Insensitive Man,

I truly believe there is something wrong with my husband. Although he’s a loving father and enjoys reading to our young daughters, he’s managed time and again to read aloud the brilliantly touching Love You Forever children’s book, from cover to cover, without crying at the end. Not a single tear, not once! How is this possible? Is he actually a heartless, unfeeling iceberg?

Sarah M, Topeka, KS

Dear Sarah,

Don’t worry, there is nothing wrong with your husband. He doesn’t cry while reading Love You Forever simply because the book is actually not that touching. When you cry reading it, it’s probably because it’s giving you a good excuse, and you were probably going to cry sooner or later anyway. Let me tell you a story: in college, a friend once invited me to movie night at her sorority house. This seemed like a great deal: a free movie and snacks, plus I’d be surrounded by beautiful girls I could possibly hit on! The problem was, the movie was “Fried Green Tomatoes,” a total chick-flick. Before the opening credits were even over, every single girl was already crying, and then as the movie progressed they all shot daggers at me. It seems I’d stumbled into what was probably supposed to be a female bonding ritual, basically a chance to cry together, and maybe Love You Forever is in that insta-cry vein. (All this being said, if your husband can make it through reading The Gardner aloud without crying, why then yes, something is wrong with him.)

Dear Insensitive Man,

My brother-in-law accused my husband of, and I quote, “whining like a little bitch.” My husband hasn’t said anything about it, but I think his feelings were really hurt. Would it be inappropriate for me to confront my brother-in-law and let him know he owes his brother an apology?

Jan K, Cheney, WA

Dear Jan,

Most of my friends call me a whiny little bitch from time to time, and it doesn’t bother me a bit—this is just how a lot of men talk. In fact, it’s almost like a compliment, because it means they know I can take it. And if occasionally I reply, “That really hurts my feelings,” they know I’m joking. Now, if you’re worried about “bitch” being sexist, consider that many modern men call each other “bitch” all the time, and that it’s gradually evolving into a gender-neutral term, via a process linguists call “semantic bleaching.”

Dear Insensitive Man,

My husband is a big pain in the ass when it comes to hiring a tradesman, such as a plumber or handyman. It’s like his male ego can’t handle it. So he says he’ll do something, but then puts it off. Even when I suggest he hire somebody simply because he has better things to do with his time, he acts all butt-hurt. Is there no way out?

Tina O, Brooklyn, NY

Dear Tina,

I can see two main sources for your husband’s hesitation, and both may apply. One, he’s a cheap bastard; two, he doesn’t want to admit he’s incapable. Don’t be too bummed about this; I mean, imagine if your guy was lame, and shameless, and didn’t even know how to change the filter in your furnace or program your thermostat, or if he paid a bike shop to fix a flat tire on your commuter bike. (Is it wrong of me to assume you’d look to him to do these things? Of course it is, I’m an insensitive man!) As for the solution, that’s easy: wait until he’s away all day at a ball game or camping trip, and hire the handyman while he’s gone. When he gets home and acts all irritated, a) consider that he’s probably faking it and is secretly relieved, and b) turn it around and say, “Honey, I wanted it to be a surprise!” (Note: don’t say “honey” unless you routinely call him this. My wife only says “honey” when she’s pissed at me.)

Dear Insensitive Man,

A friend of mine recently transitioned to a new gender identity. My dad is sloppy—perhaps conveniently sloppy—about remembering my friend’s chosen name and affirmed pronoun. I think my dad is being passive-aggressive, and that deep down inside he is reluctant or even unwilling to adapt to this societal evolution. Is there some way to get through to this man?

Alicia C, Los Angeles, CA

Dear Alicia,

I suspect it’s the case that your dad is actually trying, but is having difficulty shedding the habit of using the deadname and previous pronoun, especially if he’s known your friend for years. That you say “sloppy” suggests that your dad sometimes gets it right, whereas a non-affirming traditionalist is likely to be boldly defiant and unapologetic. If your dad apologizes, he probably means it and you should cut him some slack. But if he slanders your friend’s transition openly, you have my permission to kick your old man in the balls.

Dear Insensitive Man,

My husband is a generous tipper when he tips, but he seems a bit stingy when deciding who deserves a tip and who doesn’t. For example, when we were traveling recently he didn’t tip a really friendly hotel concierge who gave us great advice on a local restaurant. What do you do with a husband who is insensitive to the service sector?

Lisa S, New Haven, CT

Dear Lisa,

If your husband tips baristas, hotel maids, cab drivers, parking valets, and bartenders, and at counter-service restaurants, I doubt he’s insensitive to the service sector. Frankly, I wouldn’t have tipped the concierge either—it’s that guy’s job to be generally helpful and courteous, and to be given a cash tip for dispensing friendly advice might actually insult him. Ask yourself this: did your husband tip you the first time you had sex? Did you wish he had?

Dear Insensitive Man,

Is it possible to be too sensitive? It seems like my son does all the dishes for his entire household. Every time we talk on the phone I hear him doing dishes in the background. Is my daughter-in-law taking advantage of him?

Jill A, Ashland, OH

Dear Jill,

I don’t think this is about sensitivity or progressivism, but probably just an arrangement that works. Does your son’s wife do more of the cooking than he does? If so, this could be a perfectly fair trade. It could also be that on some level your husband actually enjoys doing the dishes, or at least finds it soothing. It also could be that, if he’s punctilious and efficient about it and you are slapdash, that he’d rather do it right than have you do it wrong. I watched some stand-up comic on Netflix recently who said there are two kinds of men: those who have a particular way of loading the dishwasher, and those who step out on their wives. I think she’s on to something.

Dear Insensitive Man,

My boyfriend has this nagging habit of pooh-poohing very real world problems like climate change, overpopulation, and threats to democracy. Particularly when these are discussed among friends, he just clams up, though he’s normally a pretty gregarious guy. People we socialize with may well get the idea he just doesn’t care about anything, when I know this man’s heart is good. How can I housetrain him to be more politic?

Vivian L, San Francisco, CA

Dear Vivian,

Hang on to that guy, he could be a good influence on you! If he really doesn’t care, that could be a red flag, but it’s just as likely he simply doesn’t consider these worthy topics of conversation—in which case I agree 100%. I mean, what are you and your friends going to actually solve, unless you are in politics or members of a think tank? Maybe he needs to housetrain you to be less political.

Dear Insensitive Man,

I have just started shaving. While I was home from college for the summer, my dad watched me shave with my new Gillette ProGlide razor and started giving me a hard time for how I let the “Shaving Industrial Complex” dupe me into overspending on blades just because I’m afraid I might cut myself. He called my razor a “child’s toy.” He’s normally a pretty good guy but what the actual fuck?! Can you tell him how lame he’s being so I can show him the column and get him to lighten up?

Henry C, Las Cruces, NM

Dear Henry,

I hate to break it to you, but your dad is completely in the right on this one. It looks like the replacement blades for your razor run about four bucks apiece, vs. under 25 cents for a proper double-edged blade, made for a traditional steel razor, that actually provides a closer shave. The ProGlide is stupid, plastic, and does look like a toy, and you need to man up here. Shaving is just not that complicated. If you need inspiration check out “Ode on a Double-Edged Razor.”

An Insensitive Man is a syndicated journalist whose advice column, “Ask an Insensitive Man,” appears in over 0 blogs worldwide.

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Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

Ask a Cheap Bastard

Dear Cheap Bastard,

I’m kind of fascinated by cheap bastards like you, and I have often wondered: do you guys feel a kinship with one another, or do you clash?

Justin C, Austin, TX

Dear Justin,

Who are you calling a bastard?! Haha, just kidding. I know Cheap Bastard is my name, and my game, etc. Anyhow, I’ll grant you there’s a mutual respect when I encounter another cheapskate, and we’ve been known to trade money-saving tips. That being said, I absolutely cannot stand it when a manufacturer of something (i.e., some executive making cost-cutting decisions) skimps on the cost of materials just to save a few cents per unit. This is particularly common with anything related to the home. As detailed here, I had a plumbing emergency once because the valve (or more precisely the “angle supply stop”) of my bathroom sink was made of plastic and spontaneously failed. This could have cost me many thousands of dollars had I not been home to deal with the crisis, but that doesn’t matter a whit to the cheap bastard who chose to make this important object out of plastic. Parsimonious though I am, I will always gladly pay more for durable stuff. How many more time bombs may be lurking in my house due to the ubiquity of cheap bastards in the manufacturing business?

Dear Cheap Bastard,

My husband is a cheap bastard and often cites your column as validation of the way he lives his life. As a result, he’s refusing to help with our son’s college costs. I guess this isn’t really question, but more of a statement: damn you. Damn you to hell.

Monica J, Phoenix, AZ

Dear Monica,

Not all cheap bastards are created equal. Your husband is of the sort that should be described more precisely … the better term would be “dick.” Let me make something clear: for me, being a cheap bastard is a deeply personal matter and doesn’t affect my family. The very reason that I strive to always get the best deal, and to do without overpriced crap, is so that I’ll have enough money to apply it where it matters, such as my children’s education. Having sired these kids intentionally, I consider it my duty to provide well for them and not let my miserly ways extend to them. Thus, they kind of get the best of both worlds: they get to party like rock stars and make fun of their tightfisted father.

Dear Cheap Bastard,

I’ve been a lifelong cheap bastard myself and proud of it—but I feel like I’m losing steam lately. Any words of encouragement?

Duane S, Chicago, IL

Dear Duane,

There are various ways to define what a cheap bastard even is. One type is a person who refuses to part with money for just about anything; another is happy to buy stuff but only if he or she gets a great deal; another refuses to pay for labor, preferring to do everything on his or her own even if it means taking a lot of time to learn how. A cheap bastard may fall into one, two, or all three categories. With the third in particular, one’s approach may naturally change over time and/or based on circumstance. In some cases I think it’s perfectly reasonable to lighten up a bit.

Here’s an example. When I’d just bought my home, I was basically broke (as one tends to be) so my wife and I repainted all the rooms ourselves. Since then, as our burden of debt has lightened, we’ve tended to hire a crew. I don’t fault myself for that because as I’ve aged, my net worth has increased while my remaining time on this planet has declined. In other words, time is starting to be worth more than money. So when my laziness and thriftiness fight, the lazy side wins more often and I don’t beat myself up about it. (Sure, my cheap bastard cred may be thus questioned, but being a guy who’ll willingly drink sour milk and often sifts through the family compost bin for perfectly edible food, I think I’ve got some wiggle room.)

Dear Cheap Bastard,

My proudest feat as a cheap bastard is making a pair of underwear last more than a decade by fixing tears, holes, etc. with my sewing machine. What’s your favorite cheap bastard trophy?

Geoff A, Amersfoort, The Netherlands

Dear Geoff,

I guess I’d have to say it’s the beat-to-hell brake/shift levers on my flagship road bike. Although they’re top-of-the-line Dura-Ace, they’re 25 years old and I bought them used (at least 15 years ago) for like $100. They still work reasonably well, and that’s good enough for me.

I guess this isn’t really like a trophy, since I doubt many people notice my levers and wouldn’t have much of a reaction to them one way or the other. Real cyclists, in my experience, judge me by how well I ride, not what equipment I’m using. I suspect it’s the same with your underwear.

Dear Cheap Bastard,

There are so many ways to be frugal beyond just price shopping. For example, cooking dried beans instead of buying canned, or making your own laundry detergent. What cost-cutting opportunities do you think most cheap bastards miss? In other words, what makes the difference between a good cheap bastard and a great one?

Alex R, New York, NY

Dear Alex,

From what I’ve observed, the greatest blind spot for cheap bastards is simply not understanding the concept of opportunity cost, and specifically the cost, in terms of gains not realized, of not investing your money. My father, for example, was a notorious cheap bastard, but he also never saved for retirement. In his old age he ended up pinching pennies out of necessity rather than preference, which really takes the fun out of it.

How one manages debt is another example: it’s somewhat useful to buy in bulk at Costco but far more useful to pay down your mortgage early. Coupons are chump change; paying interest ought to be the bane of our existence.

I know this is all pretty boring compared to eating compost, etc., so I’ll talk a bit more about spoiled milk. My mom, a microbiologist, assures me that sour milk can’t hurt you; it’s just unpleasant. In fact, a family legend maintains that when my brothers and I were young, and our (powdered!) milk went bad, my mom would say, perfectly seriously, “Just plug your nose and drink it!” Which we did. Allegedly.

Dear Cheap Bastard,

I really don’t understand people like you. Isn’t there a social cost of being a cheap bastard? Like, not looking your best, coming off as low-class, etc.? Which could adversely affect your social and professional opportunities?

Becky G, Miami, FL

Dear Becky,

Being a cheap bastard is more than a mentality; it’s an art. Ideally, the cheap bastard doesn’t appear cheap to the casual observer. If I were just a cheap dumbass, I’d wear Toughskins jeans and dumpy Kirkland shirts, or buy defective clothing at Ross Dress for Less. Instead, I buy most of my clothes at thrift or consignment stores, which means getting really good stuff that a filthy rich person changed his mind about. I also closely watch the online sales at J Crew (e.g., I’ll get 60% off on already discounted price, so I can pick up a nice t-shirt or pair of boxers for $3 or $4). I also only buy used cars, so I can afford to pay cash for a pretty nice one, because who cares if someone else drove it for the first couple of years? A final point: anybody who judges me for not having the latest styles, or luxury brands, is probably a jerk whom I wouldn’t want to befriend or work for. (Are you thinking this may just be sour grapes? Perhaps, but hey, sour grapes are cheaper than wine.)

Dear Cheap Bastard,

I will never be a cheap bastard, but times are a bit tight and I’d like to save where I can without going overboard. What’s my best bang for the buck in terms of non-annoying thrift?

Ron T, Council Bluffs, IA

Dear Ron,

My most basic advice is twofold: 1) avoid buying on credit whenever possible (i.e., no credit card balance, no car payment) and 2) avoid subscriptions. Interest is just money down the drain if it’s for consumer items that aren’t advancing you. Subscriptions (other than for magazines or newspapers) are all about getting you to buy more of something than you need. Why do I constantly get stuff in the mail about subscribing to prescription medications, as if planning for ongoing poor health? And why would I pay for satellite radio in my car when my phone can stream the Spotify I already have? And why does Audible.com exist, when you can check out audiobooks from the library (not just on CD, but via instant download to your phone)? Perhaps the most egregious example is Harry’s, a subscription razor blade replacement service. As detailed here, I switched to old-school double-edged razor blades over eight years ago and am still working through the 100-pack of Feather blades I bought back then for $23. Do the math: there’s no way a razor blade subscription could be cheaper.

Dear Cheap Bastard,

Any advice for a fellow cheap bastard married to a big spender? How can me and her meet halfway?

Ted H, Denver, CO

Dear Ted,

Naturally, a couple needs to be in lockstep on fundamental financial decisions such as renting vs. buying, having kids or not, and where to live. But for the day-to-day cheap bastard stuff, it’s best to just let it go … you’ll never turn a spendthrift into a skinflint. I myself take a day-trader approach to grocery shopping, honing my discount-finding skills to the point that I have a Spidey-sense about when Peet’s coffee will go on sale. My wife, on the other hand, literally doesn’t even look at price tags at the grocery store. The way to reconcile yourself to this is to look at the tremendous cost of failing to maintain marital harmony. Consider that her manicure, or your family’s expensive weekend getaway, are way cheaper than marriage counseling, which in turn is cheaper than divorce. And how you make the big financial decisions (e.g., how much to contribute to your 401(k), whether or not to refinance your home loan) will make a much bigger difference in your overall situation than all that penny pinching.

Dear Cheap Bastard,

I’m not a cheap bastard, but I bristle at the “tip inflation” we’re seeing lately, with the tab listing “suggested” tips of 18, 20, and 25%. If I ever say anything, people accuse me of being cheap. How do you get away with sticking to your guns here?

Mark K, Seattle, WA

Dear Mark,

First off, being a cheap bastard should never extend to tipping. Having your wife cut your hair to save money is your business (well, and hers too since she has to look at you), but stiffing a waiter is just poor form. That said, I agree that tips above 20% are uncalled for, since the rising cost of restaurant food automatically increases the dollar amount of waiters’ tips. In fact, as described in a recent New Yorker article, attempts by restaurants to improve employee wages by increasing prices have mainly benefitted waiters, not so much the cooks and managers. One restaurateur contends that “since he got into the business, front-of-house pay has climbed two hundred per cent, compared with twenty-five per cent for the back of house.”

Another area where tipping has gotten a bit whacked is with the digital replacement for a tip jar when you get counter service. I have always put a buck or two in the jar, but the modern POS terminals they flip over to you now suggest the same tip as you’d leave for table service—typically you’re choosing between at least 15%, 18%, or 20%. I always take the “custom tip” option (which they might as well call the “cheap bastard” option), and key in a more reasonable amount, because I refuse to be bullied by a POS terminal. Recently this bit me in the ass at one of my go-to local taquerias, Gordo’s. I’d bought two burritos and tried to tip $2, but I guess I hit the zero an extra time. It wasn’t until I saw the total—a little over $40—that I realized my mistake. “Oh, shit!” I blurted out. The cashier looked shocked and concerned and said, “Oh no, is everything okay?” I just had to laugh. “I accidently tipped you $20,” I said. I wasn’t about to make him do any work to correct it, so I added, “No worries—enjoy.” I guess you could call this a cheap bastard tax.

A Cheap Bastard is a syndicated journalist whose advice column, “Ask a Cheap Bastard,” appears in over 0 blogs worldwide.

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Should You Tip Uber Drivers?

Introduction

Are you supposed to tip your Uber driver?  There is no simple answer.  You can go read five different articles on this, like I did, and come away confused.  Or you can read this post, which arrives at a specific conclusion, and includes some discussion of the culturally tricky practice of tipping in general.

Our tale begins

I used Uber for the first time recently.  I was traveling on business and needed to get to the airport in a foreign city, and had been burned by the usurious cab fare three times already.  (In those cases I’d priced Uber, and noted that it was cheaper, but chickened out.)  Coached by some colleagues, I downloaded the Uber app and ordered the car without a hitch, and even found my driver, among a row of them waiting for passengers (despite the make, model, and license plate of his car not matching what the app foretold).  The only problem was, I forgot to ask my colleagues about tipping.  So I spent the ride to the airport researching this matter on my phone, and though I got pretty carsick I never did get a definitive answer.  I ultimately decided to give the guy a few bucks, and he seemed very pleasantly surprised.  (“Oh!” he said with a start.  Either he was truly taken aback, or a great actor.)

When I got home, the matter came up again as I did my expense report.  Would my company approve this tip, as a separate line item?  Or would this raise a flag, kicking off some bureaucratic process and wasting everybody’s time?  Now the question wasn’t just “what should I do?” but “what is typical?”

The confusion

During that first Uber ride, the articles I read were non-definitive.  The first Google response (i.e., big text instead of just a link) said, “While tipping your driver is not required, it is not against Uber policy for the driver to accept cash tips.”  Okay, so I won’t be in trouble if I tip, but I still don’t know if saving my money makes me a dick.  A San Jose Mercury News article suggests that the drivers, not society, are behind this tip movement:  “When it comes to tipping, some Uber drivers have started to take matters into their own hands.”  It quotes the Uber website as saying, “You don’t need cash when you ride with Uber. Once you arrive at your destination, your fare is automatically charged to your credit card on file—there’s no need to tip.” The article goes on to quote a driver who threatens to give riders one-star reviews if they don’t tip:  “Giving one star is the only recourse I have.  That ensures they’ll never get in my car again.”   This article had me leaning toward not tipping, on the basis that greedy drivers were holding us hostage.

But my next Google result, an article on the CBS news website, quoted an etiquette consultant:  “The apps are designed for us to evolve to a cashless society; however, that doesn't mean we [have to] become heartless in the process.”  That is, the issue isn’t necessarily Uber’s to decide.  Indeed, two lawsuits filed by drivers led to a settlement compelling Uber to modify its policy, so that—while they still refuse to enable tipping on their app—they now also say, “You can tip if you want to reward good service, however, and drivers can accept.”

Past news stories aside, here’s what Uber’s website says about tipping as of today.  First, when I started to type my inquiry, the website autofilled what I suspected I was asking about:

Okay, I thought, so they call drivers “couriers” for some reason.  So I clicked that and got this answer:

In  case the snapshot above isn’t totally legible, it says, “While Uber does not require eaters to offer a cash tip, you are welcome to do so.”  Eaters?  WTF!?  Is this just a little glitch, indicating that Uber didn’t exactly slave over this verbiage?  Or are they referring to their UberEATS app?  If it’s the latter, I’m more confused than ever, because they’ve answered the question of tipping a food delivery driver, but not a standard Uber driver.  Meanwhile, a passenger consulting the Uber website could be excused for interpreting the answer as, “You can tip if you eat in the car.” 

As it turns out, the website does address tipping of drivers but only if you ask the specific question, “Can I tip my driver with the app.”  To this it responds, “Uber is a cashless experience. Tipping is voluntary. Tips are not included in the fare, nor are they expected or required.”  This is better, but Uber still doesn’t tell you what you ought to do, but only what you’re allowed to do. (And technically, we’re allowed to stiff waiters and cabbies.)

By the way, searching the Uber website on “Should I tip” produces the same autofill result over and over, as though Uber were trying to dodge the question:

With this search, there is no link to any other question.  In other words, you cannot actually ask Uber if you should tip.

The article that finally settled the matter for me was in the Boston Globe, which stated, “Uber, facing a chorus of criticism from its drivers for refusing to add a tipping function to its app, is mustering a provocative argument:  Tipping is inherently unfair because of customers’ unconscious racial biases.”  Uber, the article says, cited two studies, one which concluded that “consumers of both races discriminate against black service providers by tipping them less than white service providers,” and the other finding that “statistical oddities” abound with tipping, such as “larger fares that ended in the digits 0 or 5, such as $40 or $55, earned cabbies far smaller tips, on average, than similar fares that happened to end in other digits.”  The Uber spokesman explained their position as being that accepting tips would result in “a discriminatory system in which two drivers who perform the same work could receive substantially different wages.”

Well, how convenient!  An Uber customer who is naturally, instinctively loathe to part with his money how has a big, bright, lofty ethical and philosophical excuse not to tip.  “Yeah, I could give this guy a few bucks, but I’d be part of the problem!  I’d be an enabler, spreading discrimination through my supposed largesse!  If I give this driver extra money, I’m feeding into a racist system!” and blah, blah, blah.  This entire line of reasoning left a bad taste in my mouth.

(A Bloomberg columnist equates tipping on Uber with empowering a nefarious social movement to deprive us of our God-given right to convenience:  “Although my driver was fine and I’m generally a good tipper, I resisted the instinct to comply. He got a five-star rating but nothing further — not because I’d begrudge him the extra money, but because the only way to preserve the frictionless Uber experience is for riders to defy the social pressure to tip.”  Just in case you were tempted to side with the guy who’s trying to make a living, she continues, “Everybody seems more concerned with helping drivers cheat on their taxes by collecting unreported cash than with preserving the frictionless arrival that makes Uber so pleasant.”  Convenience-addicted, faux-idealistic cheapskates of the world, unite!)

The problem I have with the “discriminatory system” argument—beyond its giving people a way to lie to themselves about being cheap—is that it fails to address the reality that all tipping is prone to discrimination, as is giving one candidate a job versus another, or marrying one person and not another, and so forth.  By this “enabler” logic, we should stop tipping everybody until all injustice in the tipping world is corrected.  But of course that’s absurd; we all participate in the reality of life’s unfairness every day of our lives.  In a perfect world, perhaps we’d tip the undocumented immigrant laborers who keep the cost of our food so low.  I don’t think the best solution is to stiff anybody or everybody in the service sector.  An unfair tip is still more than nothing.

Myself, I plan to tip Uber drivers going forward, just like cabbies.  Will I give the Uber driver extra money because he bothered to pick up a newbie like me, with so few rides feeding my Uber rating?  No, I can’t be bothered with such minutiae.  But this does raise a larger question.

How much should we be tipping?

The etiquette expert whom CBS consulted recommends that we tip Uber drivers 20% of the cost of the ride.  That strikes me as pretty generous, especially as it comes right on the heels of not tipping at all.  I don’t want to expose myself to the wrath of Internet trolls, so I won’t say how much I generally tip cabbies, but it’s a lot less than 20%, especially when I’m traveling on business and don’t want to get in trouble for being too generous with my employer’s money.

You know who I think make far too much money in tips?  Bartenders.  I always tip a buck a drink.  That works out to about 15-20% because I only drink beer.  But should bartenders be tipped like this—i.e., as much as waiters?  After all, the bartender only has to walk about ten feet back and forth to the tap, and spends like 30 seconds filling my glass.  That’s a lot easier than the waiter helping me decide what to order, and making separate trips for the drinks, appetizers, entrees, and dessert, plus extra visits to check in and fill my water.  Yeah, the total tab is higher, but it comes after like half an hour of service.  Bartenders are getting tipped every few minutes.

And if we’re going to worry about unconscious motivations for tipping more, think of how public a gesture tipping is at a bar.  You’re not just writing something on your credit card receipt; you’re dropping cash in plain sight.  I’ve noticed that when I’m drinking with friends, the tip is always a buck a beer—but when I’m drinking with associates, or new friends, or friends of friends, it’s often two bucks.  Nobody wants to look cheap.

On the flip side, I think hotel maids are badly under-tipped.  TripAdvisor suggests tipping “$2-3 per night up to $5” and Lizzie Post in Travel And Leisure magazine says, “a couple dollars a day” regardless of the price of the hotel, on the grounds that “if you’re cleaning a hotel room, you’re cleaning a hotel room.”  This is a serious departure from restaurants and bars where, if you order expensive food and booze, the 15-20% rule automatically increases the tip even though the job wasn’t any harder.  And cleaning a room is much harder than serving food or drinks, and not much of a stepping stone to anything.  Society needs to rethink how we tip hotel housekeeping staff.

Whom shouldn’t we be tipping?

My wife and I disagree on whether you tip a hotel concierge for recommending a restaurant.  She thinks that’s the point of his offer, and one of the hazards of staying at a fancy place.  I figure a good rule of thumb for tipping is this:  would I ask a friend to do this service for me, and expect that friend to happily oblige?  I wouldn’t ask a friend to drive me to the airport, or make my bed, so I tip cabbies and hotel housekeepers.  But I’d totally ask a friend for restaurant advice, so I don’t tip for this.  The concierge can silently curse me if he wants.  (Click here for what I hope isn’t too similar a declaration of tipping policy.)

The most useless service I’ve ever tipped for was at the Carnelian Room, a really high-end restaurant atop one of the tallest buildings in San Francisco.  There was a guy in the restroom handing out towels after you washed your hands.  (This was at a wedding reception, with the booze freely flowing, so I was visiting that restroom a lot.)  I strongly disliked this service.  First of all, how hard is it to grab my own towel?  Second, how reasonable is it to have to handle currency right after washing my hands, and right before going back to my meal?  Paper money is probably the filthiest thing we handle on a regular basis.  I just did a quick survey of my wallet, and the average age of a bill in there is six years.  Think of the thousands and thousands of people who have handled that money.  Is it in any way reasonable to pay a guy for compromising my hygiene?

The latest tipping conundrum I came across was at an airport restaurant.  It’s was a pretty upscale place ($22 for a burger) and every seat was equipped with a table-mounted iPad and a credit card magstripe reader.  The menu was on the iPad, as was the POS software.  It was entirely possible—and indeed the whole idea—for diners to go through their entire meal without speaking a word to anybody.  True, a human brought the food to the table, but that happens with counter service as well.  So how much should you tip an iPad app?  Unlike Uber, this app had the tipping function built right in, and it even suggested several (generous) amounts, just like Square does.  It’s easy enough to just drop a couple bucks in a jar for counter service, but would feel weird hitting the “custom” button and typing in a really meager tip.  I ended up tipping 20%, just to play it safe.  After all, if the (quasi-) waiters here are being paid below minimum wage like most waiters, they’re probably suffering financial losses based on reasonable people reasonably refusing to generously tip an iPad app.

In conclusion

Clearly, tipping is a messy social tradition.  It would be really handy if Uber drivers everywhere assured us that they’re not allowed to accept tips, and/or that it’s a societal taboo to tip them, sure to be taken as a terribly insulting gesture.  But obviously that’s not the case, and the question isn’t going to be solved by the folks at the Uber home office.  Perhaps the best thing we can do is pester Uber to include a tip button in their app, or to pay drivers a per-trip bonus linked to the star rating given by the customer.  Or just take a cab.  Or better yet, ride your bike!

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