Marriage Hacks - When Love Isn’t Enough

Introduction

Right off the bat, this post doesn’t really provide hacks per se. I was just trying to get your attention. Also, the point of “when love isn’t enough” isn’t a critique of your, my, or any marriage. In my opinion, love alone is never enough. That’s kind of my whole point.

This post is about what I’ve learned during 31 years of marriage. My cred in offering any kind of advice is based on a) my wife actually having suggested this post, which indicates she doesn’t consider me a total disaster as a husband, and b) the probability that if you asked my kids about the state of my marriage, they wouldn’t burst out laughing or stalk away glowering and/or muttering “no comment.” If you are humble enough to think you might learn something from me, read on. This might be a good post if you’re a young person contemplating marriage, a married person looking to glean some tips, a single person looking to bask in all the work you don’t have to do, or a bored person stuck in a long line.

A few caveats

Before we begin, here are a few disclaimers. First, I’m not going to provide any advice about how to find love, learn to love, or fall in love. I honestly don’t know how any of that works, having (long ago) stumbled into it by accident. (The closest posts to that topic which you’ll find on albertnet are here and here, or for a nice crash-and-burn story, here.) If you’re a frustrated single person wondering why I am making no attempt to address your situation, please accept my apologies that albertnet can’t be everything to everybody (though many of my posts are perfect for singles, like this one, this one, and this one).

Second caveat: I’m not a marriage counselor, I have no formal training, I’m not even an Internet influencer, and this blog has no Service Level Agreements. If you’ve ever asked a neighbor for tips on cleaning your barbecue grill, that’s the spirit you should bring to reading this post.

Finally, if you’re married or otherwise attached to a narcissist, psycho, jerk, or hopelessly selfish person, you need more advice than I could possibly offer and I recommend seeking professional help (counselor, lawyer, or assassin). (Yes, that last bit was a joke.) This post is about maintaining and/or improving a solid marriage, not fixing a broken one.

Hack #1: know what you’re in for

I think the Romance Industrial Complex has done a great disservice to the institution of marriage. Rom-coms always end when the cute guy and the cute girl finally stop with the combative high jinks, realize they’re actually in love, and kiss. If the movie kept going, it would morph into something between a boring documentary and a tense police procedural. I’m not saying marriage doesn’t have its high points, but it involves a lot more work than going on a date. You want proof? Imagine a meet-cute scenario ending in the proposal, “Would you like to get together this weekend and clean out my garage?” 

A marriage is like running a business, running a hotel, and sometimes running a war room. If kids are involved, it’s like running a daycare, a boarding school, and maybe even a prison. You and your spouse aren’t just maintaining a marriage, you’re also conducting your own adult lives, but in tandem. I mean, you’re tackling all the financial, emotional, logistical, and health-related issues everyone has to face, but in cooperation with another person whose challenges—and strategies—overlap with your own to a greater or lesser degree. This can be a big help, but it’s also hard to orchestrate. Your partner’s values, decisions, and behavior are directly tied to just about every important aspect of your adult life.

Here’s an analogy: suppose you love cycling, because of the scenery, the exercise, and the speed. If you fly to France and rent a bike from a chichi tour outfit (as I once got to do), you get all the enjoyment without much hassle. You might descend an Alpine pass in a downpour and wear down your rental’s brake pads, get its drivetrain filthy, etc. and then all you have to do is give the bike over to the mechanic at the end of the day, and when you set out again the next morning it’ll be good as new. That’s a lot like going a date … no wonder new love is so awesome! You’re on a weekend getaway where other people are cooking and cleaning for you … you might even have a whole orchestra playing for you so you don’t have to talk! But dating doesn’t “scale,” as the business people would put it.

Getting back to the bike analogy, if you love cycling enough to drop a few grand on a racing bike, you’re going to have to maintain that bike yourself. If you don’t service the drivetrain regularly, the chain and cassette cogs will stop working so well, make a lot of noise, and wear out too soon. If you keep ignoring this maintenance, the chain may eventually break, likely while under heavy load, meaning you could crash. If you don’t inspect the tires often enough, you could have a sudden blowout. So you need to learn how to clean and lube your drivetrain, ideally how to mount tubeless tires with that messy goo, and how to inspect everything for wear and tear, and none of this bears any resemblance to enjoying scenery and speed, getting fresh air and exercise, and everything else that drew you to the sport in the first place. But if you want to be able to enjoy the ride, you have to put up with the maintenance.

So it is with marriage: you’re constantly communicating with your partner, mending fences when you disappoint each other, looking to make sure one another’s needs are met, and deciding together how to handle important decisions. The initial attraction, with its spirit of fun, chemistry, and romance may have gotten you here, but it’s a whole other skill set you need to develop to keep the marriage running. Resign yourself to this reality, commit to it, understand that the effort is well worth it, and be grateful that you have a marriage worth maintaining.

Hack #2: get help

Here’s a pretty typical sob story: boy meets girl, they date, they marry, they encounter the inevitable challenges of marriage, they wing it, they do what comes naturally (e.g., indulge in selfishness), that doesn’t work, they fight, they grow apart, they divorce. I’ve had front-row seats for this four times (that being the number of divorces across my two parents). That scenario played out with my wife’s parents as well. In fact I’m sure it happens all the time. Perfectly reasonable people fall in love, marry, wing it, and fall short.

I’m not saying everyone needs marriage counseling. That can become necessary after too much neglect, if things are starting to break down, but it’s never too early to get non-professional help, whether it’s from friends, families, books, articles, whatever. I love the idea of the Catholic Pre-Cana consultation, where a priest or other official reaches out to an engaged couple and leads them through a workshop on communication, conflict resolution, finances, intimacy, and family planning before the marriage even starts. (If I have any of that wrong, I still love the idea as I’ve represented it, whether anybody practices it or not.) I talk about marriage with my friends, and it’s not all just grousing. And I read books and articles about it, and talk to my wife about it, and just generally take marriage seriously as a difficult discipline that requires a lot of skill and effort. This is as sensible to me as watching a YouTube video about how to bleed the hydraulic brakes on my bike. And if life throws a hard enough curve ball, I’m happy to get marriage counseling, just like I’ll take my bike to a shop to have the shock-absorbing fork rebuilt from time to time.

Hack #3: hone your communication

Continuing the thread about doing what comes naturally, consider this quote from the writer Lore Segal (taken from a telegram sent by a character in her novel Her First American):

PROTOCOL IS THE ART OF NOT REPEAT NOT LIVING BY NATURAL HUMAN FEELING

The romantic ideal tells us that love—that most fundamental of natural human feelings—is enough. But humans can be complicated, unreliable, and self-interested, none of which is very romantic or conducive to marital tranquility. When we do screw up, most of the time it’s communication, not action, that helps us make amends. Sure, if you drop a vase on the floor you can just sweep up the shards and, if needed, replace the vase. But if you accidently hurt your partner’s feelings, things are more complicated. You have to understand his or her feelings; understand your role in them; understand what else may be contributing (e.g., your partner’s past and any triggers or hang-ups that might introduce); understand what your partner needs; and figure out how to provide that. This can be very difficult when we’re stubborn, confused, defensive, and/or our own feelings are also hurt. Often times this leads to a fight. Marital arguments, I think, can be the most charged ones we face, because with friends or colleagues there’s not so much passion involved, and you don’t have to go to bed with the person that night, and wake up with him or her the next day. With marriage, everything is at stake, or so it feels.

Saying the wrong thing is only one kind of miscommunication. Biting your tongue too often or otherwise failing to communicate is another. Or, saying the right thing wrong, and/or at the wrong time. Communication can be a minefield, which makes it a prominent use case for getting help, and not waiting until you’re in the thick of a crisis to do so. I’m talking about making a habit of reading about relationships, whether it’s fiction, self-help books, advice articles … whatever you come across. Be like a decorator crab scuttling along the ocean floor keeping an eye out for anything that might be a handy accoutrement.

Case in point: I came across this New York Times article, “8 Phrases to Help Your Relationship Thrive,” and found it well worth reading. In case you don’t subscribe to the Times and have exhausted your pay-wall freebies, the phrases tend to deal with either the struggle to conduct the argument constructively (e.g., “Can we slow down?” and “Let me try that again”) or a shift in perspective (e.g., “What does the relationship need from us right now?”). Reading the article reminded me of conversations I’ve had with my wife around the art of marital dialogue, so I emailed her the link. Imagine my surprise when she misconstrued the purpose of my email and thought I was hinting at ways she could improve. In her defense, it probably wasn’t wise of me to title the email, “Read it and weep, bitch!”

No, of course I didn’t do that. Just making sure you’re awake. But the reality is, communication can be hard no matter how much you practice, and how skillful a communicator you normally are, or how good your intentions are. Part of the problem is that you cannot always (or even usually) predict the brain space your spouse/other may be in when you decide to communicate.

I want to get back to the concept of protocol now. I think computer networks make a great analogy here—so bear with me when this gets a bit arcane. You’re reading this blog right now thanks to the work of countless nerds designing electronic communication protocols: HTTP, TLS, HTML, and TCP, to name a few. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need a security protocol like TLS any more than we’d need bike locks. But TCP—Transmission Control Protocol—is instrumental in making the Internet work. It basically achieves, on a network level, what several of the Times article’s eight phrases do. It makes sure the communication works properly, even when network conditions are poor (e.g., in cases of a weak or congested connection).

You may be wondering why I dragged you through all that. Here’s the point: TCP does a great job of handling poor conditions. Its operation is perfectly logical and consistent. It adapts to  congestion or noise by dynamically slowing down the communication, such as by negotiating a smaller “window size” (i.e., telling the other device, “I can accept up to X bytes of data before you must stop and wait for an ACK”). The worse the connection gets, the more steps TCP takes to make sure data isn’t corrupted, to the point that this protocol almost never fails (though it may slow the network down if, say, you’re on WiFi in the kitchen and the microwave is running). In this way, TCP is basically the opposite of how humans communicate.

How’s that? Well, when we get upset, and feel attacked, we can often have a fight-or-flight reaction, because as sophisticated as our brains are, they don’t differentiate between threats to our life and threats to, say, our sense of self. If things get sufficiently heated, our “lizard brains” take over in what’s called “limbic override” such that logic, sensitivity, and consideration go right out the window. This is how marital spats can turn so nasty, and if they lead to residual resentment, the next fight is bound to be worse, and if this persists the relationship can be irreparably damaged.

This is why we need to learn about communication, think hard about it, work hard at it, and respect it. It’s the best tool we have but handling it well during duress does not come naturally. It takes practice, forethought, and dedication. Find your inner TCP.

Hack #4: be humble

When I advise “be humble” I’m not referring to the simple act of not bragging even when you could. I’m talking about putting your relationship before your ego. Most people wouldn’t admit to putting their egos first, but lots of people do it as a reflex.

Perhaps this started with David Letterman. I liked his show back in the ‘80s, found him funny, and I suppose let his arch, sarcastic, and reckless style influence my own behavior. It was all very mimetic: I didn’t just want to watch his show and laugh at his wisecracks; I wanted to be ironic and cool, like him. In my defense, I was just a dumb teenager, and had very little to lose. My friends were just as enamored with acerbic wit as I was, and on some level we probably all know it was a pose. But it became a habit, and not just for us. I think society started to be snide. It’s like everybody was afraid to be earnest.

You can see this reflected in advertisements. They used to tout the benefits of a product, like this typewriter ad:

When’s the last time you saw an ad that straightforward and sincere? Modern ads consider product features and benefits to be beside the point; instead, the point is how cool you will be if you use the product. With this mimetic yearning and forced nonchalance so prevalent in the culture, perhaps it’s inevitable to see people being too cool to read self-help books or articles, like they’re just so far above it.

I suppose I should back that up. On a hunch, I sifted through the reader comments to the Times article on useful relationship phrases. Needless to say I found a bunch of snotty, dismissive ones, such as these three:

Twice we’ve had to waste hundreds of dollars paying a referee (sorry, counselor) when she folded her arms and wouldn’t talk anymore. When did people get so weak that they can’t deal with a little stumbling around in a conversation while working things out?

This pablum is one of the reasons why “couples therapy” and “marriage counseling” are expensive wastes of time.

Frankly I’d laugh if my wife said this—or most of this jargon—to me.

How would you like to be married to one of these guys? Sure, they probably seemed really cool during the courting period, but they don’t seem to take delicate communication very seriously. That first guy, by his own admission, didn’t get a very positive reaction from his wife and I can see why. But even if we assume these assholes’ marriages are fine, and that their attitudes and practices work just fine for them and their wives, why do they take the trouble to pooh-pooh the Times article with their snide comments, despite the fact so many other readers have left largely positive comments? My guess: these blowhards are just too weak and insecure to admit they could improve, and have some perennial need to showcase their coolness to the world.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not Doogie Howser, and still enjoy making wisecracks (though the sarcasm of my youth has generally softened to facetiousness). Much of my communication with my wife is lighthearted, flippant, and unguarded. I get it that not all conversation needs to be mired in complex protocol. (To continue the network analogy, not everything is TCP; plenty of Internet data is sent using the lighter-weight UDP protocol which is best-effort. Thus, when I’m pattering away to my wife about bike rides or beer or whatever, I mark my packets discard-eligible and set the window size to infinity.) But my point is, a responsible marriage partner needs to be willing to be earnest, and to risk seeming uncool. Particularly in times of duress, when it’s tempting to be dismissive, being sincere instead of cavalier doesn’t only serve the dialogue, but it’s an important gesture in and of itself.

My wife and I took great pains to impress all this upon our kids when they were teenagers (i.e., at the age where everything is stupid and unnecessary and annoying). Obviously our daughters had front row seats to our own arguments from time to time, but beyond that we resorted to old-fashioned instruction. My wife found this great book, Crucial Conversations – Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, and for what felt like at least a year, she’d bring it out at least once a week at the dinner table after the dishes were cleared away (by our kids, I might add) but before everybody scattered. We’d make the kids take turns reading passages aloud, and then we’d all discuss them. This went over about as well as serving lentils at a wedding. You’ve never seen so much eye-rolling or heard so much groaning. Our girls absolutely hated this family tradition, and to make matters worse, they couldn’t resist citing their sister’s gaffs and missteps as case studies in our discussions. This frequently led to heated battles and mutual character assassination, fanning the fires of the sibling rivalry that smolders in every family. It was almost a mockery of the skills my wife and I were trying to instill, but I have to believe some of the lessons were at least partially absorbed, and—most importantly—through this practice we modeled earnestness and sincerity. If you asked either daughter if her parents take communication seriously, I’m sure she’d say yes. And it hasn’t escaped their notice that we fight fair, both with each other and with them. 

Hack #5: clean the grill

Make sure the grill is off and cool enough to handle safely, but still slightly warm ( as this helps loosen residue). For gas grills, turn off the propane and disconnect if necessary. Use a grill brush or scraper, and perhaps even a putty knife, to remove charred food and grease from the grates. For stubborn buildup, soak the grates in warm, soapy water for 15–30 minutes.

I’ll bet you thought “clean the grill” was going to be a metaphor! Naw. I just thought five hacks was a nice, round number, plus I’d mentioned barbecue grills above, as you’ll perhaps recall, though that must seem like hours ago. I hasten to add that I don’t actually know anything about barbecue grills. I stole those directions from the Internet and cannot vouch for them. But never mind, you’ve finally made it to the end. Thanks for reading, and feel free to share your own advice below.

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Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

COVID-19: Helping Teens Cope

vlog

In case you are suffering a migraine, or your contact lenses are too strong, or you can’t find your reading glasses, or you just plain hate to read, I am offering this post as a vlog. You can even blindfold yourself and pretend it’s a podcast. On the other hand, if you can’t stand the sight of my face and/or are teaching somebody how to read, scroll past the video ... the entire text awaits. Don’t miss the artwork from my daughter Lindsay!

Introduction

Obviously the COVID-19 pandemic is a grind for everyone. It’s tempting to think teenagers have it easier since they’re invincible, invulnerable, and impervious to disease, or at least think they are—but actually, the pandemic could be especially hard on them. Why? It’s because they’re in the very flower of life as opposed to those of us who kind of gave up long ago and are just running out the clock.

If you’re a parent of a teen or young adult, perhaps this post will help you support your child. And if you’re not a parent, but have a taste for schadenfreude, you should read on, too.

The pitfalls of COVID for the young

According to this article, typical teens’ reactions to global crises like the pandemic include feeling “stressed or overwhelmed, frustrated or angry, worried or anxious, restless, agitated, … teary, sad, fatigued or tired,” and they could be “losing interest in usually enjoyable activities or finding it difficult to feel happy.” Unfortunately, these are also totally normal symptoms of being a teenager, so it’s really hard to tell how, or whether, the pandemic is affecting your teen or young adult.

Some problems are undeniable, of course. Outside of the anxiety and stress, there’s the simple matter of not getting to hang out with friends, or doing so with all kinds of restrictions. Resentment can develop when your kids’ friends have cooler, more permissive parents. On top of that, kids are understandably just sick of everything: the online schooling, the distancing, the masking, and the hand washing. Yes, we parents are sick of these things too, but at least we grasp that they’re actually important, since we don’t have delusions of invincibility.

So what is to be done? Articles like this one and this one recommend getting more exercise. This is a fine idea, except that a) it’s so eye-rolling-ly obvious, and b) the likelihood of its adoption is empirically low. According to this article a study has just found that only 1 in 10 teens is getting enough exercise right now, vs. the (already poor) figure of 16 percent who were exercising enough pre-pandemic.

Can parents help? Well, you could start by setting the right example. If you suit up and go running or biking, there’s a chance your kid will notice. Better yet, try taking an online Zumba class with your kid. That should help, I think … though I’ll admit I haven’t tried it. (I just mentioned it because I like the word “Zumba” and am hoping it’ll help this post show up in Google searches.) My wife and I did do an impromptu dance party today, which got our eighteen-year-old giggling quite a bit, while also introducing to her the novelty of actual rock music coming out of actual speakers instead of just earbuds. (I would explore this dance party concept even more, except that my wife made fun of my moves, and my kid gets gobs of exercise anyway.)

Self-care

As pointed out by this website, you should “teach self love,” starting with self-care. Unfortunately, the advice is given only via an infographic so there aren’t actual instructions, but I have a few suggestions. First off, it’s not enough to just advise self-care; you need to practice what you preach. I’m talking about that stupid COVID beard you’ve grown. It doesn’t make you hip, and there’s too much grey in it, and it lowers the effectiveness of your KN95 mask, for crying out loud. Shave it off already. And if you’re a mom, keep your legs shaved and make sure your daughter notices. (Note that leg-shaving can be a highly political matter; if you leave your legs hairy on purpose, point this out, and celebrate it. Tell your daughter, “I want my legs lush, like I’m a coed at UC Santa Cruz. And I always shampoo them when I shower.”)

Self-care isn’t limited to nice things we can do for our bodies; it’s also about the damaging behaviors we should avoid. Remind your teenager not to seek comfort in drugs or alcohol. According to the CDC, “These substances can weaken your body’s ability to fight infections, and increase the risk of certain complications associated with COVID-19.” Beyond that, it’s obviously harder to remember to wear a mask or socially distance when you’re totally tripping or drunk off your gourd.

You should also bear in mind that there’s more to self love than self-care. Self love can include a bit of good old fashioned vanity and/or self absorption. Maybe it’s time to finally give your kid that “DAMN I’M GOOD” bracelet your dad bought back in the ‘70s and passed down to you.

But don’t go overboard with self love! When people are suffering, there’s always the risk they’ll become insufferably self-absorbed. It’s important to try to remind them of the larger world around them and the unique problems others face. Start with the fiscal waste of the pandemic. If your child is in college, bemoan the already egregious cost of their tuition and dorm fees, which are basically being totally wasted. If your kid is in high school, talk about the heinous property taxes you pay to support that school, and how it’s all for naught because so little actual learning is happening. Explain how you’re being robbed blind on these KN95 masks, and how rising inflation, fueled by supply chain problems, could be the next great economic crisis. (In general you should try to work the phrase “supply chain” into conversation whenever possible, because it totally improves your cred.)

How to draw teens out about COVID

Where can teens and young adults go for advice, sympathy, or just someone to vent to? Certainly not their friends, to whom they have to present a brave, stoic front. And their teachers—overwhelmed with technical issues such as remote learning, COVID tests, and contact tracing—clearly don’t have time. Once again, the job falls to us parents, as if we asked for this. So the question becomes, how do we get our kids to open up?

Here’s one way: announce to your kid(s), “Let’s all sit down in the living room. Your father and I are creating for you a safe space to share your feelings while we listen without judgment.” It might take a moment or two before your kids open the floodgates, but as long as you just sit still, with your hands in your lap, gazing at your children with pure love and devotion spread across your face, they’ll launch right in before you can say “mindfulness training.”

Naw, I was just screwin’ with you. Of course that would never work. Let’s turn to the experts for suggestions. Dr. Lisa Damour, a psychologist and school counselor, advises here that you should “make space for relief and joy.” Sounds easier said than done, eh? I for one have no idea how such a thing could be accomplished. But remember, our kids are smarter than we think. Why not put it to them to figure this out? You can say to your son, “Brent … I know this pandemic is hard on you. You’re hurting, I get that. But the thing is: you need to make space for relief and joy.” Then just watch as he tries (or doesn’t even try) to keep a straight face. Smirking, giggling, or outright laughing at you isn’t exactly the same thing as joy, but it’s somewhat close. Obviously this is a short-lived pleasure, just a little burst, so follow it up with another: use the word “quaranteenagers” in a sentence. Then hit him with the one-two punch of “lean in” and “show up.” He’ll be in stitches.

It’s crucial to show your support by communicating with your children on their own terms. It’s tempting to hover over them dropping bits of advice here and there, like shaking bacon-bits on a salad, but remember, lots of modern kids are vegetarians, figuratively speaking. (Okay, that metaphor got kind of screwed up … sorry.) Suffice to say, words are not necessarily what our kids need. Gestures, behaviors, and actions “speak” louder. For example, my younger daughter doesn’t exactly gush when I meet her eye and say, as sympathetically and authentically as possible, “How are you doing?” But recently I bought her a totally sweet camera and she really responded well. I mean, she didn’t talk too much (other than to say thank you, having not been raised in a barn thank you very much), but weeks later, she spontaneously kissed my forehead. (I’ll confess I flubbed the moment, because as she approached I instinctively recoiled, but so long as I remain gainfully employed, I’ll surely have other opportunities like this.)

Managing our own distress

This helpful article reminds us not to snap at our teens, pointing out that “this is good advice at any time, but it’s particularly important right now.” Well, this is a simple enough concept, but what about us parents … aren’t we totally stressed too? What if venting like this is necessary for our own coping?

It’s tempting to ignore this “don’t snap” advice as wildly unpractical, but actually, there is a way forward. If you have a cat, you can berate her as a proxy for your child. “Now Fluffy,” you can say, “you’re an absolute disgrace. I’ve seen you washing, which looks life self-care, but I know where that disgusting tongue has been. And I can smell your cat box from here. Ugh.” Fluffy couldn’t care less (unless you raise your voice, which could startle her). Best of all, you’ll feel terrible after admonishing that innocent creature, so you’ll give her all kinds of love, which makes you both feel better. (Well, okay, maybe it only makes you feel better, but still.)

Note: do not try this with your dog! As tempting as it is to say, “BAD Waldo! You are a VERY BAD DOG!” you simply mustn’t. Dogs are very sensitive. At least, I think they are … I’ve never had a dog. Anyway, if your pet happens to be canine, leave the poor animal alone. Go out and buy one of those Hasbro Ugly Dolls, or even a Yoda action figure or something, and just chew its freaking head off! Tell it how awful it is, how useless, how selfish, how lame. You’ll feel a lot better, and if you don’t, then alternately abuse and comfort the doll, in kind of a lather-rinse-repeat style. Or not. I actually have no idea how/if this would work. Forget I said anything. (Man this pandemic thing is hard!)

Confronting fear

Perhaps the biggest problem for teens isn’t how to wash their hands more effectively, or how to best maintain social distance, or how to tolerate the 0.5-second-long pin-prick of being vaccinated. The real issue is their fear. This kind of global crisis has never before happened in their lifetimes, and none of them ever paid attention in History class during that unit on the Spanish flu pandemic of 1918. (If my teachers even covered that, I sure as hell wasn’t awake.)

So you need to confront this fear thing head-on. Convey to your teenager that it’s okay to be scared. Note that teens don’t want to be preached to, so it’s important to let this sentiment seem like their idea. The best way to do this is reverse-psychology. Say to them, “Oh, are you scared? Can’t handle a little stay-at-home? Totally freaked out just because your little world got shaken up a bit? Oh, is that needle gonna hurt too bad?!” (Stop short of the old “Chicken! Braaawk-brak-brak-braaawk braawk!” bit because they won’t get the reference.) When your kids push back and say, “Hey, Dad, it’s a global pandemic, I have every right to feel afraid!” then you know they’ve become true believers, because this will be coming from them. (Just don’t ruin the moment by pointing out that “global pandemic” is technically redundant.)

The tech dilemma

Remember my comment earlier, about the problems that can arise when your kids’ parents are cooler and more permissive than you? Well, you should be careful when your draconian policies extend to the virtual world, with restrictions on your kids’ Internet use. Some experts, such as the authors of this article, are actually advising parents to lighten up on “tech time” restrictions. And yet, others (like this one) warn that too much social media, and too much COVID news, can really bring your kid down. Here’s one way forward: if your WiFi equipment is sophisticated enough, consider removing the time-of-day restrictions, but implement a DNS blacklist so that the only site your child can reach is albertnet. This blog is like 99% news-free and all the hateful comments are directed at me … so it’s a safe space on the Internet for your teen.

Surely some experts would find my solution extreme, and that’s fine … but why haven’t they addressed the increase in bullying and other insensitive behavior our kids can expect as their so-called friendships go virtual? It’s much harder to be sensitive online than in person … meaning the pandemic will just compound the problem. If you’re lucky, your kid will mention to you the anguish that is gradually building through this ongoing fusillade of small-scale abuse. This is the time to “be there” for your kid, to make sure he knows you’re on his side. Tell him, for example, “Really, Ricky posted that? Well you know what? He’s an asshole.”

What about videogames? I’ve heard they’re a great way to blow off steam. Should parents be worried about violence and other thematic content? Probably not, so long as their kids don’t actually play these games. I know almost nothing about them, but a little bit of research turned up a game called Boyfriend Dungeon, which (according to this Wikipedia article) is “a role-playing game mixed with a dating simulator, in which the potential romantic interests are generally male characters that can turn into weapons that can be used within dungeons,” with “stalking and emotional manipulation of the player-character.” With games like this, who needs a deadly virus?

Now, I’m probably not being totally fair here, since my knowledge of these games isn’t firsthand. A neighbor of mine was going through a divorce some years back, and I asked how his son (aged eight or so) was doing. My neighbor replied, “Oh, he’s got his [World of] Warcraft, he’ll be fine.” I am happy to report that this kid, who’s probably in high school now, hasn’t yet opened fire on anybody. So I suppose you should go ahead and allow gaming to be your child’s pandemic panacea if that seems to be their thing.

What if the pandemic is helping your kid?

Now, is it possible your child is feeling stress or guilt because the pandemic is going just fine, and in fact has its benefits for her? Of course! This article acknowledges that some kids may have “commitments they didn’t want to keep or some people (classmates, teachers, coaches) they didn’t want to see, so this crisis might actually bring some relief,” but assures us this doesn’t need to be seen as a problem, since “it’s also OK to be happy.” The article suggests you tell your kid, “There’s no right or wrong way to feel.” I actually disagree with this (for example, it’s wrong to feel compassion for anti-vaxxers, those fricking savages) but the overall idea is a good one. You can tell your kid, “Look, the reality is, your standard of living has always been higher than that of most of the world’s population; this country was built on slavery and the eradication of the native population; and all your clothing and electronics are made in overseas sweat shops by underpaid children with no benefits. So there’s ample precedent for you to come out just fine while others across the globe are suffering. Why worry about that now? Just be happy that you’re happy!” I’m sure she will feel much better.

Your teen has COVID … now what?

If your teen gets COVID, he or she is bound to feel pretty humiliated, given all the haranguing you did about staying safe, and all the resources available that he or she obviously failed to take advantage of. In this instance you need to take an honest look at how your teen is doing overall vs. yourself. If you’re in an even worse way, then it may be time to go ahead and rub it in, saying, “I told you so!” and “You should have listened!” and maybe even “You’re getting what you deserve!” This will of course be devastating for your child, but it’ll feel so good for you, it’s probably worth it. On the other hand, if your kid has been suffering even more than you, then his or her feelings come first and you need to do whatever is necessary to prevent guilt or shame from surfacing. “Whatever is necessary” basically means saying, with utter sincerity, “Hey, don’t feel bad—it happens to the best of us.” Now, “sincerity” in this case means you speak from experience. That’s right, it’s time to go get COVID. Head down to an indoor megachurch service, replete with a full choir, preferably in Houston, and don’t you dare wear a mask!

But seriously…

Okay, I had a little fun here, but you might be thinking, “Hey, this is no laughing matter.” I would politely disagree—to me, almost everything is a laughing matter—but I will concede that we should take this issue seriously. Perhaps this post at least has you thinking about how the pandemic affects your teen, and if nothing else I’ve linked to ten perfectly sincere and potentially helpful articles.

More reading on the pandemic

• Shelter-in-Place FAQ
• E-Book Options During COVID-19 Lockdown
• Is Cycling Safe During the COVID-19 Pandemic?
• The Toilet Paper Hoarding Conundrum
• More COVID Chronicles – Baking in Place
• When Will the Pandemic End?
• What Are Hospitals Like During the Pandemic?
• How to Talk to Your Cat About COVID-19
• Teleworking During the COVID-19 Pandemic
• Why Don’t The Dutch Wear COVID Masks?
• Travel Tips During the COVID-19 Pandemic
• COVID Wristbands
• Can COVID Anti-Vaxxers Be Reasoned With?

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