Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2024 Vuelta a España Stage 15

Introduction

The best Grand Tour is upon us. No, the Vuelta a España hasn’t surpassed the Giro d’Italia or Tour de France in prestige, but with the super-lubed Tadej Pocagar being insultingly dominant in those two, making chumps out of the rest of the peloton and all the fans, this year’s Vuelta has been the better show. Just 1:21 separates race leader Ben O’Connor (Decathlon AG2R La Mondiale Team) and Primoz Roglic (Red Bull – Bora - Hansgrohe) in the general classification heading into today. Read on for my blow-by-blow of the live action of what is probably the hardest stage yet this year.

Look at that final climb … it’s a beast. The profile lacks any scale, but it’s rare for the Vuelta to call a climb “ESP” (probably for “Especiale,” their equivalent of Hors Categorie, which means “beyond the ability to categorize because this one doesn’t go up to 11”).

Why do I call this a “biased” report? Well, look at what I wrote about Pogacar. You won’t get that kind of candid reporting—okay, speculation—from professional journalists.

Vuelta a Espana Stage 15 – Infiesto to Cuitu Negru

As I join the action, they’re interviewing Richard Carapaz (EF Education Easy-Post). I like Carapaz, but it’s a pretty boring interview. He predicts that today could be the day Roglic (a three-time winner of the Vuelta and the odds-on favorite) passes up O’Connor on GC. OMG, an oracle! Way to go out on a limb. Sheesh.

So, I’ve been watching for about 30 kilometers so far and not all that much has happened. A breakaway has formed, split, reformed, lathered, rinsed, and repeated. After all that, they only have something like a minute and a half.

Riley Sheehan (Israel – Premier Tech) is dropped from the breakaway.

Why do I report on this guy, of all riders? Well, for one thing he’s a baller, having played a pretty big role getting his teammate Michael Woods into a breakaway to set him up to win a major mountain stage a few days ago. Second, and more importantly, I used to race with Riley’s dad, Clark. And finally: ‘Mer’ca!

For some reason, T-Rex – Quick-Step is driving the pace on the front of the peloton. I guess they’re setting up their leader, Mikel Landa, who sits fifth in the general classification. It’s so cute that they put their faith in him, despite his tendency to fail to deliver. His career showed early promise but that was so long ago, I can’t even remember the year.

Stephen Kung (Groupama-FDJ) is dropped from the break. He’s way too big for the high mountains, though somebody should mention this size-does-matter thing to Wout Van Aert (Visma – Lease A Bike) who has won three stages through his sprinting, wears the green points jersey, and yet also somehow has the lead in the KOM competition.

Well, even though I’m paying actual money for my Peacock Premium “TV” channel (I mean, what do we call this over-the-top cable-cutting-whatever video service that has replaced TV?), they have the audacity to show commercials. While they’re doing that, here’s what you’ve missed if you’ve ignored the Vuelta so far. O’Connor achieved a massive solo victory in Stage 4, taking an unbelievable 6:31 out of race favorite Roglic. The fact that Roglic’s team let this guy have that much leash is simply unfathomable … disrespectful, even. O’Connor was fourth in the 2021 Tour de France and also fourth in this year’s Giro d’Italia. How could they discount his GC potential? My best theory is that the race organizers paid Roglic a special bonus to lose a bunch of time early in the Vuelta, to make the race more exciting. (Race organizers should do that with Pogacar … maybe give him some handicap like having to race barefoot.)

So anyhow, since that stage, Roglic has been ascendant, winning a stage and taking time out of O’Connor on several others. It’s been kind of painful to watch, like death by a thousand cuts. The interviews with O’Connor have been interesting, because he’s been resolutely cheerful and philosophical, never showing frustration. I think this is because he knows he came off as a bit of a drama queen in the Netflix documentary “Tour Unchained,” and wants to make amends. Also worth noting: O’Connor looks a bit like Waldo (as in Where’s Waldo).

Rounding out the top five, we have Enric Mas (Movistar Team) in third place 1:40 behind Roglic; Carapaz 12 seconds behind Mas; and Landa another 7 seconds back in fifth.

The breakaway now has about three minutes, so I guess I’ll give you some of the guys’ names. I kind of hesitate to do this because of all the typing required, since the team names are so long these days, now that we have gobs of small sponsors instead of one big one. If I were writing about the racing in Merckx’s day, I’d be typing simply “Bic” instead of “Decathlon AG2R La Mondiale Team.” It’s funny, the sponsorship changes so much, even the racers can’t keep up. In interviews riders keep referring to Team Visma – Lease A Bike as “Jumbo,” because it’s easy to say, even though Jumbo no longer sponsors the team. Oddly, though Jumbo is easy to say, every rider has said it wrong: they pronounce the J as the letter in Jell-O, whereas it’s actually pronounced like a Y, i.e., “Yumbo.” No wonder that sponsor pulled out.

Okay, where was I? Oh, right, the breakaway. It’s got Jay Vine (UAE Team Emirates), Pavel Sivakov (UAE Team Emirates), Aleksandr Vlasov (Red Bull-Bora-Hansgrohe), Pablo Castrillo (Kern Pharma), Quentin Pacher (Groupama-FDJ), Bruno Armirail (Decathlon AG2R La Mondiale), and Kung, who has managed to claw his way back. And in the time it took me to type all that, this group lost 17 seconds. They’re probably doomed. What a waste.

There are 44 kilometers left, most of them uphill once this final descent is over. I need to show you a better course profile, that first one was a joke. Here:

This climb is a beast. It gains like 6,000 feet! It averages 7.4%, and some pitches are well into double digits including the final three kilometers. A 2:45 gap could be closed just like that (imagine me snapping my fingers). On the plus side for this breakaway’s efforts, Vine is now tied with Van Aert for the KOM competition. So he’ll likely get to wear that jersey tomorrow.

Damn, this road is crazy steep!

It’s 24% right here, a fricking wall. And as steep as it looks, the camera really makes these climbs look flatter. (In this case there are two cameras: the movie camera actually “filming” the riders though I’m sure there’s no film, and my smartphone camera since Peacock is blocking screen grabs, the bastards.)

Wow, it really looked like O’Connor was peeing just now, but the camera discreetly turned away. Gosh, right at the base of the climb … that’s actually kind of the most exciting thing that’s happened all day.

The more T-Rex – Quick-Step hammers at the front for Landa, the more I worry about him. I don’t think he can handle the pressure. I’ve seen this before … whenever they sacrifice for him, he folds up like a house of cards. Maybe today will be his breakthrough. (Yeah … maybe.)

Okay, this is touching: look at the EF rider (in pink), with the bottle dangling from his teeth, pushing along his teammate who is either peeing or adjusting his junk.

And now, what’s this? Roglic is getting a new bike! Did he have a mechanical? He had one yesterday and had to do the last 10 or 20 kilometers on his teammate’s bike.

His teammates pace him back up. The commentators are saying it looks like Roglic switched from an aerodynamic bike to a lighter-weight pure climbing bike. If so, that’s pretty rich.

What’s next? Will riders start changing into a lighter weight jersey for the final climb? Maybe swap out for a helmet with more vents? A fresh pair of sunglasses that aren’t grubby yet? This sport has changed a lot since the earlier years when riders didn’t get any support at all and we're in fact prohibited from accepting it. In fact, in the 1913 Tour de France, a rider named Eugène Christophe was given a three-minute penalty because when he was welding his broken fork back together, the blacksmith’s son worked the bellows. (The fork on Christophe’s bike, I hasten to add. Nobody rides with silverware, that I’m aware of.)

Groupama-FDJ has two guys in the breakaway, but honestly, given the brutality of this climb I can’t see tactics making a very big difference here.

Roglic’s teammate Daniel Martinez goes out the back. If he spent a lot of energy getting Roglic back to the GC group after the bike change, and is now too knackered to pace his leader anymore, I’ll bet he’s pissed. The commentators are saying Roglic’s new bike has a one-by (aka 1x) setup, meaning only one chainring up front and a giant cassette in back, like mountain bikes have. I can’t imagine why Roglic would make special arrangements to get this because the same setup almost cost him victory on the last day of the Giro d’Italia last year, when he hit a bump and his chain fell off. So there’s something to be said for front derailleurs. Damn, are you bored yet? I’m reminded of something my wife once said to me: “Don’t ever talk about bike gearing to me again.”

The breakaway is coming apart as Vine drills it on the front, which he’s been doing pretty much the whole climb. Kung is dropped. I feel a little bad because I’ve been spelling Kung’s name wrong. The “u” is supposed to have an umlaut over it, but I’m just too lazy to bother finding that character. This laziness, along with a complete lack of talent, is why I never made it into the pro ranks of cycling.

The break still has three minutes, but given the considerable size of the GC group, it’s clear they haven’t really put the hammer down yet. It’s still 14.5 kilometers to go, and probably no rider wants to launch too early given how steep the final kilometers are. Hmmm. Actually, O’Connor only has one teammate left, so maybe they’re going harder than I thought.

The commentators keep talking about how O’Connor is like “a big diesel.” They’ve been saying this all week. It’s so funny—I mean, the guy is totally wispy, nothing about him suggesting a long-haul semi tractor-trailer. Yes, his legs are a bit longer than Roglic’s, and the cylinders of a diesel engine do tend to be on the longer side, but is this really such a great metaphor? Diesels have more hauling power, true, but how much cargo is O’Connor actually dealing with here? I just looked up his weight and that Google A.I.-generated summary feature says 187 pounds. Yeah, right. Investigating further I see they’re talking about some hockey player with the same name. Okay, the cyclist is about 148 pounds, so four pounds heavier than Roglic. Enough with the diesel thing.

The leading trio still looks good, but the lead is down to 2:26. I think Vlasov got himself in the break mainly so he could drop back and help Roglic with the attack that is sure to come. In fact, if Roglic is going fast enough, Vlasov may not even need to drop back … he’ll just be waiting for his leader to catch up, so he can provide a nice tow for as long as possible before totally detonating.

Man, Castrillo is totally dying. His head is swinging around like crazy. Could he be … dancing? Is there upbeat house music coming through his earphone? Or is it music in his head? Or have his neck muscles all but given out?

And now Landa attacks the GC group!

It’s not such a bad attack, though Landa needs to stop looking back and just go all-in. The peloton immediately explodes, riders going out the back with a quickness.

Just like that the GC group is down to nine riders and the gap to the break is under two minutes. Sepp Kuss (Visma – Lease A Bike), last year’s Vuelta winner, is still in the group. Kuss hasn’t really had it this year … probably residual fatigue from the COVID he suffered in July. He’s all the way back in 15th overall, 7:28 down, but maybe he can do something today.

OMG! Up in the break, Castrillo launches a massive attack! I’m not talking about the ‘90s trip hop group either, but an actual attack. He just opens this crazy huge gap in seemingly no time!

And now, in the GC group, instead of Roglic attacking, it’s his teammate Florian Lipowitz who sets down a blistering tempo! Nobody can hold his wheel except Roglic and O’Connor!

And now O’Connor is dropped! Lipowitz just goes and goes!

Finally he pulls off and Roglic takes over, embarking on his long-expected big move to finally take the GC lead.

Castrillo is on the 24% section and his head, which had somewhat stabilized, is now swinging around more than ever.

Mas has clawed his way back to Roglic! The gap to O’Connor is growing, but not that quickly. The Australian (oh, maybe I forgot to tell you, O’Connor is Australian) is still looking pretty good!

And now Vlasov has caught Castrillo but is clearly suffering terribly!

Behind, Mas has passed Roglic and almost seems to be putting the hurt on him!

OMG, Castrillo is putting the pussy on the chain wax! Vlasov had closed the gap but Castrillo won’t give up!

Mas is getting a bit of a gap on Roglic! If he really has the legs, he could finally move up on GC!

Castrillo has got the win! It’s the worst photo ever because it’s so foggy!

Not so long after, Mas comes in, just ahead of Roglic.

Carapaz rolls in, then Kuss, and after just a short bit, O’Connor gets over the line. I’d say he lost only about forty seconds today, which is kind of a coup, really.

Castrillo is super happy, needless to say. They interview him right past the finish line, before he’s even had a chance to compose himself.

INTERVIEWER: [unintelligible]

CASTRILLO: [translated by Bob Roll, who I think speaks no Spanish] It was really satisfying for everybody, including me.

INTERVIEWER: You really think it was satisfying for Vlasov? I’d say he’s actually super bummed.

CASTRILLO: Did I say “everybody”? I meant me.

INTERVIEWER: You had us all on pins and needles for the last few kilometers there. Mainly we were worried that, the way your head was swinging around, you were going to lose your sunglasses.

CASTRILLO: I wasn’t thinking much about my sunglasses. In fact I kind of forgot all about them.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think that single-minded focus is why you’ve won two stages in this Vuelta?

CASTRILLO: No, it’s more about me just being hella fast.

Okay, you got me: there’s no Spanish word for “hella,” and yes, I did make up that entire transcript. Only one line of the actual interview was translated for me and that didn’t sound accurate, either.

Roglic has made a U-turn at the summit and appears to be riding down the mountain, not wanting to sit around at the summit and freeze his ass off. I guess this is his silver lining for not getting the red leader’s jersey today … no boring podium celebration to wait around for.

Here is the stage result:

I missed the nicely formatted result page somehow and had to grab that from cyclingnews. Note that they spelled the winner’s name wrong, sheesh.

Here’s the top 20 since there were some sizeable gaps today. You’ll probably have to click this to zoom in so it’s legible, and if that doesn’t help, call tech support.

For all the work Landa’s team did, he only ended up with ninth, and lost another 20 seconds to Mas and 14 seconds to Carapaz. He might have done better just to sit in … I mean, what did all that tempo-setting really gain him? But then, I guess you gotta try…

Here is the new GC:

They’re interviewing O’Connor now.

INTERVIEWER: People thought you’d lose the jersey today.

O’CONNOR: I’m happy to prove them wrong again. It went well, though that was a horrible ending to the climb, it was disgusting.

INTERVIEWER: How did you deal with the attacks?

O’CONNOR: There was only one attack but it was very impressive, then I couldn’t see anything with the fog, it was rough.

INTERVIEWER: You still have 43 seconds, what do you think about that?

O’CONNOR: I’m just happy to still be in the lead.

INTERVIEWER: You have a new record for an Australian: number of days leading a Grand Tour.

O’CONNOR: [surprised, delighted] Really?

INTERVIEWER: Yes, [Phil] Anderson led the Tour [de France] for 9 days, you’ve now exceeded that.

O’CONNOR: That’s great. Good day today, I’m happy with the boys, happy with myself.

INTERWIEVER: Thank you.

O’CONNOR: No worries. [He always says this at the end of an interview and kind of rolls it into one truncated word, “nworr’s.”]

INTERVIEWER: uiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Okay, I did something rare just now: I transcribed the interview as accurately as I could, and I think I got most of it. That’s what can happen when people actually have something interesting to say. Alas, I couldn’t stick the landing at the end there because my cat started walking on the keyboard. Dang it!

Well, that’s about it for today. Tomorrow is the final rest day, then O’Connor has six more days of suffering as he attempts to defend his jersey. He’s probably doomed, but then that’s what they said about Don Quixote….

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Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2021 Giro d’Italia Stage 14

Introduction 

If (in a normal, non-pandemic year) you were to watch the Giro d’Italia in a sports bar in Italy, you’d certainly expect the fans to be biased towards the local riders. Meanwhile, if you were to do the same in the U.S., the bias would be toward baseball or football even if it were the queen stage, and the bartender would just grunt at you if you begged him to turn one of their 50 screens to the race. But don’t worry, you’re in good hands here. I’m biased towards clean riders, if any, and those showing grit and panache. So sit bold upright in that straight-backed hair, grab a bottle of Cytomax, and settle in for my blow-by-blow coverage of the surely pivotal Stage 14 of this year’s Giro, finishing atop the famous Monte Zoncolan.

Giro d’Italia Stage 14 – Citadella to Monte Zoncolan

As I join the action, there is the inevitable Hendrix perm. I’ll bet you thought I was gonna say inevitable breakaway! Nope, not me, I’m not quite awake enough for that, I’m “talking dog farts,” as they say. Well, okay, you got me, it’s the inevitable breakaway. They’ve got about eight and a half minutes with 67 kilometers to go, as they start the penultimate climb, the Forcella Monte Rest, which looks pretty brutal on paper but is only a Category 2. How could it be, when it’s 10 kilometers long and is steep enough to require switchbacks like these?

The break is like eight guys including two from Trek-Segafredo, one of whom is Bauke Mollema, a very solid rider who is somehow all the way down in 39th, close to 42 minutes back. But then, that’s the kind of Giro this has been … if you’re not in the top ten, you’ve been completely blown out the back on one stage or another. For example, Romain Bardet (Team DSM), once a hopeful, is in eleventh but like three and a half minutes back, with only two of seven mountain stages completed.

Speaking of blown out the back, here’s a guy who lost a fair bit of time when few expected it: it’s Remco Evenepoel of Deceuninck-QuickStep, widely considered to be the biggest threat to current race leader Egan Bernal of the Ineos Grenadiers.

Evenepoel looks to me like the kind of rider who would lose time in the mountains, because he’s not utterly emaciated and twiggy like a proper climber. And yet, his recent tumble in the GC—he fell from second to seventh—was in the Strade Bianche stage which was mostly flat (just a couple of Cat 3s). This course had a lot of dirt sections that clearly spooked him. You see, he wasn’t on a gravel bike. It’s commonly known that anything but perfect asphalt requires a very special kind of bike with fat tires and … shoot, I’m no expert, but I know gravel bikes have loads of special features which is why you need to go right out and buy one. But for some reason the racers don’t get them, and Evenepoel was a bit hesitant on the dirt sections, especially when descending. The Ineos Granadiers, and other teams with GC aspirations, seized on this and drilled it all day, hanging poor Evenepoel out to dry with just one teammate to pace him. It was a glorious stage, even if I’d prefer to see Evenepoel thrive.

In the breakaway, Jacopo Mosca (Trek-Segafredo) drives the pace.

They’re interviewing Emanuel Buchmann of Bora-Hansgrohe, who has had a great Giro so far and sits sixth overall at 1:50.

INTERVIEWER: Emanuel, I was just reading on albertnet that you’ve had a great Giro so far.

BUCHMANN: Well, that Dana guy … he would know, wouldn’t he?

INTERVIEWER: Is it true you were named after a French softcore porn film?

BUCHMANN: Why does everyone ask me that? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Can we please talk about the bike race?

INTERVIEWER: Sorry, yeah, so … what kind of gearing will you run for the Zoncolan?

BUCHMANN: 34 in the front, 32 in the rear.

INTERVIEWER: Will you attack?

BUCHMANN: Not in that kind of gear, obviously. Hell, dudes use to ride this with a proper 42-tooth inner ring. I’m apparently just hoping to hold on.

INTERVIEWER: Does it concern you that while you’re standing here being interviewed, the peloton is going up the road?

BUCHMANN: Damn, good point. I’d better head out.

I hope you gather from that interview how fast and loose I play it with my reporting. It’s really hard to keep up with the dialogue while also catching you up on previous stages, and sometimes I miss a word, phrase, sentence, or most of the interview. That bit about the 34/32 is true, though. Weird.

The break reaches the summit of the Monte Rest. Vincenzo Albanese (Eolo-Kometa) shrugs off the KOM, instead prepping for the descent.

I took a little break and now the peloton reaches the summit, with Astana-Premier Tech forcing the pace for their leader, Aleksander Vlasov, who sits second on GC, only 45 seconds behind Bernal.

On the descent, which is so twisty and technical it’s hard to get a worthwhile snapshot for you, the peloton totally splits! Dudes are taking advantage of their giant balls to open up a gap! The front group has Bernal in it, no less … if you squint you can see him on the back there.

Now this small Maglia Rosa group, with at least two Astana riders, pushes their advantage over a small climb.

Farther back, Evenepoel is actually in the third group, like twenty seconds back, paced by a teammate.

I feel kind of bad for Evenepoel … he had a bad crash last year which has probably shaken his confidence. But that’s bike racing … you have to be good at everything, all the time. It’s not like football where a player can be good at exactly one thing and make a ton of money at it. Imagine if they made a place kicker throw a pass now and then, or asked the QB to block a little. What a bunch of pussies.

Now the second group has made contact with the first. Deceuninck-QuickStep hammers the pace to bring the gap down for Evenepoel.

And now they make contact, to Evenepoel’s great relief (and perhaps embarrassment).

So, no huge crisis for Evenepoel but I’ll bet he wasted a lot of energy he’d rather have held on to with the Zoncolan looming. I’m sure he’s dreading this climb, taking on a real climber like Bernal with his fearsome and decidedly “not normal” Ineos team. Poor Evenepoel. He’s gotta be so nervous. Talk about pucker-factor ... I’ll bet you couldn’t pull a needle out of his asshole with a tractor (to paraphrase the writer Craig Johnson).

It’s not just Ineos that Evenepoel has to worry about, though. Astana seems to be going really well in this Giro, they’ve been on the front a lot today, and they’ve still got at least five guys in the peloton.

Oh man, they’re showing conditions at the finish … looks pretty brutal, especially if it rains.

So, the announcers are saying this side of the Zoncolan hasn’t been ridden in over a decade and has sections of over 15%, hence Buchmann’s gearing choice. So if anyone in this break survives, it won’t be because of the six minutes they have right now—it’ll be because they’re great ungodly godlike men. I’ll share a few more names of breakaway riders: we’ve got George Bennett (Jumbo-Visma), his teammate Edoardo Affini, Alessandro Covi (UAE Team Emirates), Lorenzo Fortunato (Eolo-Kometa) and … to hell with it, I can’t keep them all straight.

A few kilometers before the Zoncolan starts, Affini takes the intermediate sprint and it looks like he’s suffered mightily in the process.

Affini is a complete badass, by the way. In yesterday’s pancake-flat sprint stage, he took a glorious flier right toward the end and just about took the win. Only Giacomo Nizzolo (Team Qhubeka Assos) came by him, with a perfectly executed sprint (to take his first win after eleven second-place finishes, heartwarmingly enough). Here’s a fun fact: the guy who took fifth, Fernando Gavia (UAE Team Emirates) lost his saddle like 1.5 kilometers out and finished the race without it. He was not sanctioned for the loss of equipment, by the way, which just shows how much laxer the laws are over in Italy. True story: I was pulled over by a cop for riding with my young kid on my top tube. The law is that the number of riders on a bicycle must equal the number of saddles. No joke. (I didn’t get a ticket, BTW. As soon as I saw the squad car I said, “Alexa, start crying, quick, or we’re both going to jail!”)

Mosca takes the lead, pacing Mollema.

As the break threads through a darling little village at the base of the Zoncolan, we get almost the complete (pared-down) roster.

Looks like Mosca blew. The break’s lead is holding up pretty well—actually, it’s gone up a bit—so it could be a few of these guys will stay away. Kind of depends on how much trouble the GC riders give Bernal.

Incidentally, Gianni Moscon (Ineos) appears to still be in the peloton supporting Bernal. This is impressive, as he had a fearsome crash on a descent the other day, trying to keep up with Vincenzo Nibali (Trek-Segafredo). Good to see he was (apparently) unhurt.

In the break, Jan Tratnik (Bahrain-Victorious) kind of rolls off the front.

I dunno, I think Tratnik looks more like a NASCAR driver than a cyclist.

Doesn’t he kind of look like the guy who would buy you beer at the bowling alley?

As the break approaches the 10K banner, it’s kind of coming apart. If you look closely you’ll see that Lorenzo Fortunato (Eolo-Kometa) has dropped the others (he’s right at the banner).

The gap grows between Fortunato and the rest of the break. He’s got Tratnik almost in sight.

Back in the peloton, Moscon takes the front for Bernal as they cross under 10 kilometers to go. Note Mascon’s bandages … could be worse of course.

Looks like Vlasov, in the white young rider’s jersey, doesn’t have many teammates helping him. I think a couple are sucking wind at the back but they’re probably done. Ineos, of course, has five guys still (not including the team medic who is making this all possible).

Moscon blows up, pulls off, and is now going backwards.

Up ahead, Fortunato catches Tratnik! They’re way ahead of the other breakaway riders but we don’t have numbers yet.

Luis Leon Sanchez (Astana-Premier Tech) detonates and goes out the back, leaving Vlasov further isolated.

Fortunato takes the lead. They’ve got 38 seconds on the chasing group of four.

Ineos is still setting tempo. The second rider there is swinging his arms around so as to get a full-body workout. Or maybe he’s shaking blood into his hands, or gesturing (“What have I done?!”) Also of note is that Simon Yates (Team Bike Exchange), who has been at the very back of this group all day, has moseyed up the side to have a quick peek at what’s going on.

Oh, dear. Nibali, a former Giro winner, is sawed off. He’s showing his age for sure.

Evenepoel is still in the lead group but toward the back. He doesn’t look very happy.

Another Ineos rider blows.

The wind is blowing sheets of mist over the road. Looks like pretty miserable conditions, though really it’s mainly the riders making things miserable for one another. Damn, I’m getting cold just watching. Poor, poor me.

So leading the shrinking GC group we’ve got a couple of Ineos henchmen, then Bernal, then Vlasov, then Giulio Ciccone (Trek-Segafredo), who sits 8th on GC, 2:24 down on Bernal.

The chase group isn’t making any progress. Look at all that snow!

One of these dudes is already in his lowest gear. What the photo doesn’t show, though, is that he’s spinning it at a pretty high cadence.

In the chase group, Covi attacks. Too late, surely.

And up the road, Fortunato attacks Tratnik!

He quickly gets a decent gap!

Evenepoel (#91) is toward the back of the peloton, not looking good!

Fortunado is really suffering! And now a douchebag spectator runs alongside Fortunato, giving him tactical tips or perhaps trying to turn him on to Dianetics, and actually bumps into him, knocking him sideways! Fortunado looks absolutely stricken! Unbelievable!

Back in the rapidly dwindling GC group, Daniel Martinez (Ineos Granadiers) continues to pummel everyone, Bernal tucked safely in behind him. Buchmann is hanging tough. Vlasov looks like he’s on the rivet.

OMG, Evenepoel is going out the back! Poor dude!

And now, what’s this!? Yates, who has been loitering in the back all day like he always does, comes out of nowhere and attacks, for the first time in this Giro, and possibly in his entire life!

It’s a totally legit attack, too! None of this halfhearted “my directeur sportif said I have to do something so I’ll check that box” kind of bullshit you see so much. Only Bernal can hang with him!

Up toward the finish, Fortunato has only 600 meters to go and still a solid gap!

Yates and Bernal leave the rest of the GC riders for dead! They’re gaining massive time!

Fortunato looks like he’ll get this, but he also looks utterly horrified! He’s staring into a deep existentialist void, in uncharted emotional territory because this is a guy who (the announcers tell me) has literally never won a bike race in his life! He’s probably thinking, “I know I’m going to screw this up, but how?!”

Tratnik is utterly dying and starts weaving like a drunk! The center cannot hold! Weird pink shapes are appearing, hovering above the road … or is that me hallucinating? Do you see them too?

Fortunato is all alone! Not just on the road, but in the universe! There are fans, sure, but they don’t know him!

A wall of mist blows through, yanking Fortunato’s soul from his body and diffusing it across the entire universe!

The young man’s soul is returned to him, just in time for him to cross the finish line in victory!

Fortunato is delighted, but also emotionally obliterated! His psyche has undergone trials that baseball players, cheerleaders, and fire marshals have never dreamed of!

Behind, Tratnik has managed to get his bike pointed in the right direction again, and slogs toward the line, the wet wind yanking atoms from the surface of his body.

Tratnik crosses the line, utterly ruined. His suffering is absolute.

Returning to the GC battle, Bernal has attacked and dropped Yates! Now he overhauls Bennett!

As he approaches the line, Bernal blows by Mollema, who looks back as if to ask, “Where the hell did he come from?”

Bernal crosses the line and starts the real clock: how much time will he take from the others, padding his GC lead?

Vlasov is dying! Poor guy!

Vlasov finishes … he’s lost at least another minute to Bernal.

Here is the stage result … notably missing from the top ten is Evenepoel. The lead group exploded toward the end and I’ve completely lost track of him.

They’re interviewing Tratnik. “I’m actually very happy,” he says, “but you probably can’t tell, with my eyes closed like this. I’m trying to open them—really, I am—but I just don’t have the energy. Sorry guys, I’d love to hang out with you, maybe buy you a soft pretzel, but I’m seriously about to pass out. I’ll catch you later.”

The press staffers are freezing their asses off so they’re running around interviewing everyone they can. They have collared Nibali, surely hoping for some kind of tantrum since he totally blew chunks today. But he appears tranquilo and has very little to say. “Yes, I suck now,” he says offhandedly, “but my retirement account is in great shape, thank you very much.”

Now they interview Fortunato. “Yes, I was in race, and it go, ah, uphill, and I attack, and … very very happy. Legs very good. But I left my body. I was outside it. I … I can’t do this in English. [Switches to Italian; interviewer translates.] Today, it was just a tomato. It was a pancake. Well, more like a bun. It was a tight bun. Very tight bun, with kernels.”

I’m not going to bother recording any more of that interview because it’s clear the interviewer’s Italian is no better than mine and he’s just making shit up. The nerve of that guy!

Okay, here’s the next ten placings on the day. Besides Vlasov, Evenepoel was the big casualty, giving up another 1:30 on Bernal.

They’re interviewing Bernal now. “Astana was on the front a lot today … were you surprised?” the interviewer asks. Bernal replies, “Yes, they were going really hard, and I was surprised. It was kind of cute, really, them pretending they had a chance, when of course their utter vanquishment has been practically scripted. I mean, think about it: my super-domestique Martinez took over half a minute out of Vlasov today. No one can stop Ineos except maybe … oh, shit, I just realized I’m late for the doping control!”

Now Fortunato mounts the podium, which is bizarrely set at the absolute highest, most exposed location possible with a frigid wind whipping through. Those poor podium ladies … there little ankles must be frozen. Fortonato has been presented with a weirdly colored helmet mounted to a plaque. He looks happy though.

Now begins Fortunato’s frozen-fingered grappling with the wire on the champagne bottle, like Bernal struggled with (the only thing Bernal has struggled with, I hasten to add) a couple days ago. Why don’t the race staffers do most of the untwisting ahead of time? I tell you, pro cyclists don’t get enough respect.

Fortunato takes a good, long drink of the champagne. It’s impressive that he can hoist the magnum for so long, in fact … most climbers can barely lift it past shoulder level.

Now Fortunato consults the concierge on directions to the restroom. “Man, that champagne is going right through me!”

Okay, this is a bit embarrassing. I totally missed Bernal’s podium ceremony because he zipped out there with the pink jersey already on, then fled for the warmth of his team van before I could get the screenshot. He didn’t even wait around for the champagne, so they’re trying to find him now to bring him back.

I got a nice shot of him fighting with the champagne but you don’t need another one of those. Amazingly, his lofting of the flowers and stuffed animal was so brief, I missed it again. He’s quicker off the podium than he is attacking the peloton!

Here is the new GC. Yates moves up to a career-high second overall. That said, he is scarcely faster than Bernal in a time trial, same as Damiano Caruso (Bahrain Victorious), and Vlasov is almost two minutes down on GC with four more mountains stages to come … so Bernal doesn’t appear to have much competition.

Eurosport closes the race coverage with a close-up of this random woman. Why her? Well, why not? After all, she bothered to do her mascara.

Come back next Saturday for more biased blow-by-blow coverage, as the race tackles the grotesquely oversized Passo San Bernardino, over 30 kilometers long with a vertical gain of 5,000 feet!

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