NOTE: This post is
rated R for mild strong language and coarse humor.
Introduction
In my last post I described my decades-long project of creating the best collection of rock
& rap songs to listen to while riding my indoor bike trainer or rollers. Not all music is suitable for
hammering away all winter, and music is a bare necessity for this activity. (Note the inconspicuous, but all-important,
headphone cord in this photo.)
I’m aware that some people watch movies or cycling
videos while riding indoors. I suppose this could be
somewhat diverting—but that’s kind of the problem. You can’t be diverted from the suffering at
hand, if you’re going to do this right.
You need music with a driving beat, and it never hurts if it has some
attitude, so you can find the proper frame of mind (which is somewhere between
excitement and rage). Oh, and the music
has to be sophisticated enough that you don’t get sick of it after repeated listening. There are pop songs I was already sick of
before I’d finished hearing them the first time.
As I mentioned before, my Ultimate Workout Megamix has 165
tracks, which is about 11 hours of music, all in alphabetical order by
track. In my last post I was able to
cover A thru G. Tonight I provide the
list—replete with liner notes on selected songs—for H thru M.
Liner notes – Dana’s
Ultimate Superfly Workout Megamix Part II
Happiness is a Warm
Gun - The Breeders
Perhaps
you’re familiar with the original Beatles version of this. That wouldn’t be lively enough for the
trainer. The Breeders add a snarling
guitar to it and it works great. A
college roommate of mine expressed astonishment that this was an all-female
band despite the low voice of one of the singers. Turns out my roommate was fooled by some
photo where the guy was in drag. That’s
about all I know about the Breeders other than it was started by Kim Deal,
formerly of the Pixies.
Head Down –
Soundgarden
This song helpfully reminds you
to put your head down, which is useful while hammering, at least on the indoor
trainer. As the grammar coach of the UC
Berkeley road team, I explained to everybody that “head down” is a figure of
speech; while racing you really need to watch the road. A former teammate of mine was once time trialing
with his head down and rode right into the back of a parked car. DAAAAAAAAAMN!
Heart In a Cage - The
Strokes
Good, fast
tempo, the relentless driving beat so characteristic of the Strokes (it’s
called a “triplet” according to my daughter, who knows something about music),
and even some grumbling about how “I’m stuck in a city but I belong in a field”
which captures that trapped feeling you get riding indoors for the third month
in a row … this song has it all! This is
from “First Impressions of Earth,” an underrated Strokes album (all their others
are overrated).
Heart Shaped Box –
Nirvana
Like “Black
Hole Sun,” this song had quite the video.
It creeped me out big time when I first saw it. At that time I was living in a literally
flea-ridden apartment with a roommate who got baked like five times a day and
had all the cable channels. Just now I checked
the video out again and probably the creepiest part is Kurt Cobain’s
artificially blue eyes. I once had an
office job where the copier broke down constantly and I got to know the
repairman, who had these dazzling blue contact lenses and a huge Swatch watch
selection. Nobody photocopies anymore …
I wonder what that guy’s up to. Maybe
he’s in a band.
Heartbeat - Ice-T
One of the
best workout songs ever, as it reminds you to keep your heart rate up. Plus it’s just a jammin’ song anyway. “Listen to my heartbeat, it’s beatin’ like a
wild man/ But that’s natural, ‘cause you know that I am/ No punk, no chump, no
fool, no toy/ Try to get ill and I’ll serve you, boy!” I sing along until I’m gasping for breath.
Hustlers - Nas
This guy started rapping when he was just a pup, and was basically brilliant right out of the gate. His quality control takes a bit of a hit because he produces albums almost constantly. He’s kind of the Woody Allen of rap in that regard: prolific but oddly willing to put out mediocre stuff now and then. (He released two albums in one year, 1999; one went double platinum and the other fizzled.) This track is from “Hip Hop Is Dead,” which is my favorite of his albums. An odd fact about Nas: though he’s gotta be pretty wealthy, having sold over 15 million records in the U.S. alone, he also owns a shoe store. I guess he just really likes shoes.
This guy started rapping when he was just a pup, and was basically brilliant right out of the gate. His quality control takes a bit of a hit because he produces albums almost constantly. He’s kind of the Woody Allen of rap in that regard: prolific but oddly willing to put out mediocre stuff now and then. (He released two albums in one year, 1999; one went double platinum and the other fizzled.) This track is from “Hip Hop Is Dead,” which is my favorite of his albums. An odd fact about Nas: though he’s gotta be pretty wealthy, having sold over 15 million records in the U.S. alone, he also owns a shoe store. I guess he just really likes shoes.
Hypnotize - The White
Stripes
I Am A God - Kanye
West
Again, I
cannot quite describe how I feel about Kanye West. Actually, if I paraphrase the writer Adam
Gopnik, maybe I can: I don’t like Kanye
West, but I like to listen to him.
(Gopnik was quoting his 6-year old talking about Barney, the purple
dinosaur.) This song is the epitome of
braggadocio, but it’s got a good, weird, dark atmosphere and some great
lines: “I am a god/ So hurry up with my
damn massage/ In a French-ass restaurant/ Hurry up with my damn croissants.”
I Am Not a Human
Being - Lil Wayne
What a
great segue, from “I Am a God” right into “I Am Not a Human Being.” This is one of my favorite Lil Wayne
songs. It has more effective guitar than any other
rap song I can think of except maybe “The Girl Tried to Kill Me” by Ice-T
or “Sing For the Moment” by Eminem. I
challenge you to listen to this on the trainer without starting to pedal harder. I’m playing it right now to help with this
commentary, and damn it, where’s my bike?!
LET’S ROLL, YOU AND ME, RIGHT NOW MUTHAFUCKA!
I Could Have Lied -
Red Hot Chili Peppers
I Go To Work - Kool
Moe Dee
This is the
rare nap song you can sing to your kids.
Did I really just type “nap song”?
Elton John would be a nap song. I
meant to say, this is the rare rap song you can sing to your kids. There’s no profanity at all. I was surprised the other day when my older
daughter suddenly busted out with the whole first verse (which is a lot—237
words). I started rapping this at my
mom’s house at Thanksgiving recently, pleasantly camouflaged against the
chatter of a bunch of kids, nieces and nephews, but suddenly they all went
silent so they could hear. It was a
little scary, like suddenly being on stage.
I'm Back - Eminem
Good, solid
stuff. I don’t know what this guy has
against Christopher Reeves. Maybe he’s
just reminding us listeners that he’s the most tasteless rapper alive. But good!
I'm Your Pusher -
Ice-T
If I Had - Eminem
My favorite
line? “If I had one wish, I would ask
for a big enough ass for the whole world to kiss.” This is funny all by itself, but even funnier
for people my age who remember that corny Coke ad he’s mocking, from 1971: “I’d like to buy the world a home and furnish
it with love.”
It Takes a Muscle -
M.I.A.
Jack My Dick - Obie Trice
This song
might not work for your trainer ride the first few times you hear it because
you’ll be laughing so hard your legs might turn to jelly. Here, Obie presents the only convincing case
for abstinence I’ve ever heard. Not that
this is the kind of song the Religious Right would ever embrace, and I can’t
see it being put into service as a Public Service Announcement.
Jesus Christ Pose -
Soundgarden
Just Lose It – Eminem
Another song from the least of
Eminem’s albums, “Encore,” but good for the trainer. I think this is supposed to be a dance
track. It’s got a good beat, I could
dance to it (if I could dance, but I can’t, so I ride rollers instead) … I give
it a 7!
Killing Lies - The
Strokes
Knives Out –
Radiohead
“If you’d been a dog they would
have drowned you at birth.” Nuff said.
Know It Ain't Right -
M.I.A.
Last Nite - The
Strokes
Legacy - Eminem
Like Suicide –
Soundgarden
Look, I know I have a lot of
Soundgarden on this list. I can’t help
it. I’m not saying they’re the greatest
thing since sliced bread (and I’m not actually even that fond of sliced bread),
but the drumming in this song, particularly toward the end, makes me want to
ride to death.
Little Acorns - The
White Stripes
Loco-Motive - Nas
Lollipop - Lil Wayne
Some critic got all hot and
bothered because this or that masterpiece of songcraft lost out to “Lollipop” for
the Grammy in 2009. The reader was
expected to share this outrage, and I must say, “Lollipop” is just a bunch of
gutter talk, very sophomoric, absolutely the kind of music you only listen to
via headphones. But none of this
matters. If you listen to this during
exercise, you will get a better workout.
Longview - Green Day
Look In My Eyes -
Obie Trice
Lose Yourself -
Eminem
Love Me - 50 Cent
I guess this is technically an
Eminem song, but for some reason I think of it as 50 Cent. I know nothing about 50 Cent. My favorite line on this song is actually by
Obie Trice. It goes like this: “Show me love … bitch.” That just cracks me up every time. I mean, it’s pretty bad when you have to tell your woman to love you. I mean, you’re already on the wrong foot
there, like people can just love on command.
But to make matters worse (perhaps out of reflex?) the speaker shows emphasis
by calling her “bitch.” Yeah, dude, that will win her over. It’s just funny.
Perhaps a feminist wouldn’t find this funny at all. But think about it: the funny part is how lame the guy is.
Feminists should use this as a case study for one of the many things
wrong with men! Who knows, maybe they
do.
Love Me or Hate Me -
Lady Sovereign
Really, really great song, and I
think this genre—grime—is generally a very good one for the trainer. It’s fast, lots of wacky sounds, plenty to
hook your bored brain on. And the chorus
here is good advice for the kind of person who tries so hard to be reasonable
and likable, she just can’t cut herself any slack. (Or he/himself … whatever.) That advice is, “If you like me then thank
you/ If you hate me, than fuck you.” I sometimes play this one on speakers (rather than headphones), and whenever the f-word comes
around I cough really loudly to drown it out, for the kids’ sake. Today I finally let Alexa (age 14) hear the
whole thing. “I’d been wondering why
this song always made you cough so much,” she said.
Love the Way You Lie
- Eminem
Matangi - M.I.A.
Mockingbird - Eminem
Money Over Bullsh*t -
Nas
Mother - Pink Floyd
Okay, this isn’t actually ideal
trainer music, but it’s just such a great song.
And actually, the guitar solo is pretty rousing. If you’re into the movie “Pink Floyd The
Wall,” you should check out my exegesis, in which I put forth this song as the
key to understanding the entire movie.
Click here.
Mr. Carter - Lil
Wayne
Mrs. Officer - Bobby
Valentino/Lil Wayne
My Dad's Gone Crazy -
Eminem
My England - Lady
Sovereign
One of my favorites. If I understand this one right, it’s making
fun of Anglophiles who think they know something about England because they
read Bridget Jones’ Diary or saw the
movie. Meanwhile, Lady Sovereign both celebrates
and denigrates her homeland in a way that never fails to amuse me. Check it out!
My Mom - Eminem
This is the best workout song I know of concerning Munchausen syndrome by proxy. If you’re aware of other rousing rap or rock songs on this topic, please let me know. If I gather enough of these, perhaps I’ll create a Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy Workout Megamix. Actually, that might end up being kind of depressing, but it would still beat going to the gym.
This is the best workout song I know of concerning Munchausen syndrome by proxy. If you’re aware of other rousing rap or rock songs on this topic, please let me know. If I gather enough of these, perhaps I’ll create a Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy Workout Megamix. Actually, that might end up being kind of depressing, but it would still beat going to the gym.
My Name Is - Eminem
My Wave - Soundgarden
Stay tuned
You’ve probably noticed that I’ve focused on a relatively
small number of bands/singers in this list.
Well duh, that’s to help you! Not
everybody consumes music by buying one MP3 at a time. You could actually buy a few CDs, perhaps
used, to take a gamble on this music. Or
just keep listening to that Sting album you bought back in college … see if I
care.
Tune in next time for the penultimate installment (probably
N thru S). Click here for Part III, and enjoy your turbo-training!
More reading
Here are links to the rest of my series of Workout Megamix liner notes:
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