Ask a Cycling Coach

Dear Cycling Coach,

I seem to have developed tennis elbow—but from mountain biking! How is this possible? I’ve never even touched a racquet!

Kaitlin C, Fairfax, CA

Dear Kaitlin,

I have encountered this myself, and the problem was: hydraulic fluid. Not in my elbow, but in one of my bike’s brake lines. By any chance have you been ignoring a disc brake that needs to be bled? Like, when you pull the lever nothing happens unless you pump it multiple times? Well, that’s a repetitive motion and those can add up. But if your brakes are fine, I honestly don’t know what’s going on there. Maybe see a shrink? ;-)

Dear Cycling Coach,

I’m kind of new to mountain biking and people are telling me I should “go tubeless,” whatever that means. What are these people talking about and should I listen?

Aaron W, Minneapolis, MN

Dear Aaron,

For decades, bike tires always had an inner tube inside them, which occasionally got punctured by a thorn, bit of glass, etc. or by being pushed too hard into the wheel rim due to an impact. The more modern setup (common, but by no means ubiquitous) is to not have a tube at all; the tire forms a seal against the rim, aided by this goo that you pour in there. It’s a big mess, a fair bit of hassle, and requires an air compressor or special pump to inflate, but it’s actually worth it. It saves weight, lets you run your tires at a lower pressure, and best of all the goo seals up punctures as you ride. (I’ve had student athletes on the high school mountain biking team who went four whole seasons without a single puncture!) If you want advice on how to set this up, including how to build your own human-powered compressor on the cheap, check out my post here. Now, on road bikes things get even trickier; if you overinflate the tire it could blow off the rim. So, I’m not necessarily recommending tubeless for road…

Dear Cycling Coach,

Do girls dig cyclists? I’m asking for a friend.

John S, Ashburn, VA

Dear John,

Of course they do! I mean, what’s not to dig? We’ve got these thin T-Rex arms; hairless legs; brightly colored form-fitting costumes like a jockey wears; and best of all, we’re always mansplaining on such lofty topics as bike gearing, cycling nutrition, and power output. I should think we’d be every woman’s wet dream. In fact, in my youth I had young babes falling all over me. Hmm. Do I have that right? I’m trying to remember … actually, come to think of it, they were falling all over the football players and the swimmers. Weird.

[A note on the above picture: I had ChatGPT create it for me. This was its third attempt. I asked for the cyclist to have “very thin, weak-looking arms,” for him to be “lean but thin and unimpressive,” and (on my third attempt) to be “much less muscular, kind of wimpy looking.” It appears that ChatGPT-4-turbo is simply incapable of rendering men as anything but grotesquely muscular and roided out. And as I’ve noted before in these pages, it cannot draw a woman who doesn’t have at least one bare shoulder. Oh well. I tried.]

Dear Cycling Coach,

Cycling is the only sport I do, and in the winter it’s too cold and dark to ride so my fitness falls off. I’m thinking of getting a stationary trainer or maybe rollers. Do you recommend this and if so do you have any advice on what to buy, how to get started, etc.?

Lisa N, Columbus, OH

Dear Lisa,

There are several good reasons to ride indoors: you get the stress relief you need; you build character; you go into the spring with better fitness, so you can keep up with your pals; you avoid the wretchedness of riding in the cold and wet; and you (most likely) avoid crashing. All this being said, you’ll need fortitude because indoor training presents a particularly tough gumption trap. The good news is, I provide lots of advice on indoor training here.

Specifically regarding rollers, they are definitely more difficult than a stationary trainer (i.e., you can’t just shut your brain off), but they’re slightly more fun, and they also improve your balance. You’ll definitely want the type that provide resistance (though I provide some hacks on that here). If you’re into a top-of-the-line product, check out my review of the best ones on the market.

Whatever mode of indoor cycling you choose, I highly recommend noise-cancelling headphones and high-energy music with a solid beat. For my workout music megamix, click here.

Dear Cycling Coach,

I love to ride with my friends but it’s hard to coordinate schedules. I dislike riding alone, but my friends all do it. What’s their secret and/or how do I handle the drudgery of cycling solo?

Tracy A, Castle Rock, CO

Dear Tracy,

I see two ways to proceed. One is to see what alternatives exist, such as joining a local club, asking around about group rides, or trying to recruit more cycling buddies. The other is to tackle the solo riding challenge head-on. Going it alone is definitely an acquired taste—it took me until my third year of bike racing to begin to enjoy or at least tolerate it—but it’s well worth it in the long run.

Some ways to motivate yourself:

1. Remind yourself that “stealth training” will make the group rides even more fun
2. If you’re worried about safety, figure out the routes where you’ll encounter plenty of people (and not get bike-jacked, though honestly I think this is a fictitious problem, like ring-around-the-collar)
3. Gamify your solo cycling, either by competing virtually with friends or family or joining Strava.

For more on riding alone, click here.

Dear Cycling Coach,

What chain lubricant should I use? And would this be different for mountain vs. road?

Malcolm R, Oakland, CA

Dear Malcolm,

I could provide an exhaustive treatise about why I choose White Lightning Clean Ride for all my bikes, but wouldn’t you rather read a very brief synopsis, or ideally a poem? Well guess what: you can click here for a nice little sonnet on the topic, replete with end notes. Best of all, it was written by an English major who is also a recovering bike mechanic and a bona-fide coach!

Dear Cycling Coach,

My crappy old bike helmet is coming completely apart. I’m kinda relieved because I never liked that helmet to begin with. But looking at a new one, I see options varying from the lightly used helmet for $4 at Salvation Army to over $300 for a goofy-looking thing at my local shop. Is there any difference among these or is it all marketing?

Emily K, Portland, OR

Dear Emily,

There actually is a big difference, to a point. No, a $300 helmet is not going to be worlds away from a $150 helmet, but you don’t want some bogus made-up brand like Victgoal or Odoland that crumbles in your hands and smells like kerosene. Here’s a true story: when I was on a college cycling team, we were sponsored by an up-and-coming bike helmet company and we all got free helmets. The problem was, they didn’t fit that well, and the straps weren’t quite right, and at high speed the wind would blow this thing back on my head, exposing my forehead. I thought I should replace it but I was already a notorious cheap bastard, and even though I worked at a bike shop and got a discount, I tried to live the motto “cheap’s neat, but free’s me.” So I kept asking the Giro rep to sponsor me with a free helmet. Several times he offered only a discount and I replied, “What am I supposed to tell my helmet sponsor … that I paid for another brand? If you gave it to me, it’d be a lot easier.”

Finally he relented, and I got a top-of-the-line Giro, which fit really well, not slipping back on my head like that free helmet. Well, on the Giro’s maiden voyage I crashed really hard mountain biking (as described here). I was knocked out cold, and was airlifted to the closest head trauma center. I ended up being fine … but only thanks to that well-fitting helmet. Ever since, I have been a real stickler on head protection, and I think you should, too. That doesn’t necessarily mean dropping hundreds of dollars, but get something that really fits, that you really like and will always wear.

(By the way, that bit about knock-off helmets crumbling and smelling like kerosene? I didn’t mean that. I meant creosote. Naw, kidding again. But trust me about avoiding those weird, cheap helmets on Amazon that come with built-in sunglasses and/or a balaclava and no, I’m actually not making that up.)

Dear Cycling Coach,

I’ve noticed you get as many letters from women as from men, and yet something like three fourths of American cyclists are men. Do you just ignore a lot of the men’s questions so as to achieve gender parity? Or do women ask better questions?

Jeannie E, Seattle, WA

Dear Jeannie,

I actually get as many questions from women as from men. I think this is because women are less insecure and thus more likely to ask for advice. I base this on a bike maintenance class I once offered as a prize at the fundraising auction at my kids’ school. In the advertisement I didn’t say anything about me being female, or about the class being for women. But I guess because of my girl’s name, people just assumed, because eight women and only one man signed up. When the man arrived and saw all these women, he immediately bailed. Well, halfway through the class, during the refreshment break, a student approached and complained about my being a man. “I kind of assumed you’d be a woman,” she said testily. I replied, “I certainly didn’t mean to imply that in the flyer, and I’m sorry about my girl’s name … it’s the one I was given and it didn’t occur to me to clarify. I’m happy to give you a refund.” She backed off at that point but still seemed miffed. I guess she understood something about men that I didn’t…

Dear Cycling Coach,

I read an article somewhere, years ago, about how too much cycling can damage your heart. Should I be worried about literally killing myself on the bike?

Suzie L, Queens, NY

Dear Suzie,

You might be thinking of the article “Cycling to Extremes” in the August 2015 issue of Velo magazine. I thoroughly refute its claims here. Beyond that, there have been various alarmist articles in a similar vein over the years. I think it’s a bit silly to be worrying about such a remote possibility given the obesity epidemic in this country, with heart disease being the leading cause of death. I'll concede that an overweight 60-year-old American, whose arteries are totally clogged, can kill himself by suddenly doing something really strenuous; for example, you hear about guys dying of cardiac arrest while shoveling snow. But that's not very common, and presumably you’re a fit cyclist doing a consistent program. If it were really possible for athletes to work themselves to death, don't you think it would happen all the time in professional races?

Think about it: the ability to work yourself to death would not be naturally selected in the evolution of any creature. Or, if you subscribe to the intelligent design theory, what kind of blind idiot God would design creatures that could accidentally kill themselves by trying to do something useful, and do it well? Do you believe that you are somehow going to be able to push yourself harder than 100+ years of Tour de France racers? I think you can rest easy on this one, Suzie. But hey, that’s just my opinion. I’m not a doctor or anything.

Dear Cycling Coach,

I was out for a road ride and joined a group that passed me. I thought I was doing pretty well but then I overheard somebody say, “Who invited the Fred?” I take it “Fred” isn’t a good thing. What did he mean and how offended should I be? Was I doing something wrong?

Peter L, San Diego, CA

Dear Peter,

It’s possible that you were disturbing the flow of the group (by letting gaps open, etc.) but it’s equally possible the “Fred” comment simply came from a snob. Like any sport, cycling has its share of elitist types who may forget what it was like being closer to a novice than a racer. Maybe the guy didn’t like your helmet, or your socks (or lack thereof), or the kind of shoes you were wearing, or that your bike had a pie plate.

There are two ways to handle this. One: you could simply blow it off and enjoy yourself on the bike. Cycling has always attracted rebels, and I hope it always does. Two: you could review my two-part article on how to not be a “Fred.” Part I is here and Part II is here. But please remember: this guide is only for people who want to fit in. Those who don’t care about fitting in have my full respect, and deserve yours, too.

A Cycling Coach is a syndicated journalist whose advice column, “Ask a Cycling Coach,” appears in over 0 blogs worldwide.

—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—
Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

From the Archives - Bits & Bobs Volume VI

Introduction

This is the sixth installment in the “From the Archives – Bits & Bobs” series. Volume I is here, Volume II is here, Volume III is here, Volume IV is here, and Volume V is here. But the different volumes have nothing to do with one another.

Yes, it’s another slow news day. So, taking a cue from writers like David Sedaris and Lydia Davis, I’m assembling and posting some excerpts from some old letters. If I too were a famous writer, these micro-dispatches could be gathered into a handsome printed volume sold in bookstores everywhere (i.e., I could basically print my own money). Instead, since I’m an unsung blogger, you can read them for free!

These ones were all written while I was a student at Berkeley.

October 26, 1990

My schedule is so weird, I have to do my cycling indoors sometimes, even when the weather is great. I don’t ride my rollers in the basement laundry room anymore, though. Here’s why. They have this timer knob hooked up to the overhead light, to keep it from being left on. I was riding my rollers in there in the pre-dawn hours before work, and gave no thought to the timer. So I was riding along and suddenly there was this loud “DING!” and the lights went out. I crashed instantaneously. My Walkman went sailing across the room and broke into like three pieces. So now I’m keeping the rollers in the apartment and riding them there. I have this headwind accessory that makes them harder than actual riding. Good complement to all the hills around here.

February 12, 1991

I suddenly find myself in the terrifying position of going head-to-head with the most depraved, cruel band of thugs the free world has ever known. These miscreants have no regard for peace of mind; they loot solace and tranquility like a roadside gas station or liquor store. Meet Mr. First‑and‑Last‑Month Rent: wanted in six states for Financial Burden with Intent to Ruin. Mr. Damage Deposit: known to be armed and dangerous, wanted by federal authorities for Monetary Assault on a College Student. A recent stakeout found that these two are operating with an accomplice: Kid Tuition and his gang, the Three Installments. What could all this mean? Only one thing: I’m laying it all on the line by finding a new apartment. Which means raising a lot of cash in a hurry. Got any quasi-legal, or (what the hell) totally illegal hustles you can bring me in on?

July 16, 1991

Our local sales tax has been raised to 8.25%, and extended to cover snack foods. This is interesting: candy bars and potato chips are taxed, while fresh produce and wheat flour are not. It gets complicated: all crackers are taxed, except Saltines. Popped popcorn is taxed, but not un-popped. (Do you get a rebate on the un-popped “old maids” in the popped popcorn?) At the bike shop [where I work] these items present some complications. Powerbars, for example, contain 100% of the U.S. R.D.A. of most vitamins and minerals, and have only a gram of fat: hardly typical snack food. Yet, they still don’t really qualify as grocery. So today, in my capacity as shop manager, I put the following notice on the Powerbar display:

DEAR CUSTOMERS:

Recently enacted tax legislation requires us to charge the new tax rate (8.25%) on all snack foods. Since Powerbars and XL 40 bars are “great anytime as a snack” they are now taxable items. But since Exceed High Carbohydrate Source “supplies as much carbohydrate as 6 cups enriched spaghetti, 8 medium sized baked potatoes, or 11 slices of white bread,” it qualifies as a grocery item and is therefore not taxed.

September 19, 1991

Here is the opening passage of the article I was supposed to have read for today for my Honors English seminar: 

Perhaps something has occurred in the history of the concept of structure that could be called an “event,” if this loaded word did not entail a meaning which it is precisely the function of structural or structuralist thought to reduce or to suspect.

Keeping in mind that the opening sentence is supposed to lure the reader into further study, I find this beginning atrocious. But amazingly, it gets worse:

It would be easy enough to show that the concept of structure and even the word “structure” itself are as old as the episteme—that is to say, as old as western science and western philosophy—and that their roots thrust deep into the soil of ordinary language, into whose deepest recesses the episteme plunges to gather them together once more, making them part of itself in a metaphorical displacement.

For me to be reading this might suggest that I’m some kind of elite student who can grasp really complex ideas. But the sad truth of the matter is that I am no better equipped to handle this than you are. Probably less equipped, actually, given my youth and naiveté. This essay rages on for twenty-six pages, getting increasingly obtuse, and I never made it past the first five pages, with zero percent comprehension. Thus in one day I have fallen hopelessly behind, since the rest of the reading for this course (one such essay per class day) is doubtless based on this foundational essay.

So I walked into class this morning very ill prepared, and thought to myself, “Self, don’t despair, the rest of the class is probably as overwhelmed as I am.” This day I happened to be early, for—having given up my attempt to read the essay—I had nothing better to do than to make a big breakfast and leave for school well ahead of time. I ask the first fellow student I saw what he thought of the essay. “I really enjoyed it, how about you?” he said, apparently with perfect sincerity. I told him that to be perfectly honest, I had found it somewhat difficult. He frowned, as if surprised to hear that, and said, “I found it similar to Beckett, didn’t you?” I vaguely remember a Sir Thomas Becket who wrote some religious thing, maybe about people flogging themselves or something, but couldn’t make a connection. [I realized weeks after writing this my classmate meant Samuel Beckett.]

I spent the class period realizing that for perhaps the first time, I’m hopelessly outclassed by my peers. I start to fret and sweat, it gets hot, I can’t get away, the prof rolls, I’m popped. How’d I get into this spot? I played myself. But why am I facing off against this fierce foe? The faculty’s fault? No. Nobody signed me up for the course; nobody enrolled me by force. I thought I that I could excel at this big school? Fool. I played myself. [Apologies to Ice-T.]

February 27, 1992

I was studying yesterday in Sproul plaza, sitting on a bench, and an old man came and sat down by me, with nothing to occupy him but people watching. Eventually we had some conversation: he’s 85 years old (didn’t look it!) and from Russia. He didn’t seem to recognize Lolita, which I was reading, and was surprised at my choice of the English major, having studied engineering himself. He says in Russia, those with a college degree are admitted to a special grocery store that those without a degree are not. Same prices in the alumni-only store, but much vaster variety and availability of goods. He didn’t say how the store vets these people, and I didn’t ask.

During the big rains we had a week or so ago, I parked my bike under the bridge between LeConte Hall and Birge Hall, just east of Sather Tower, before going into Doe Library (through the back entrance, as a construction project has blocked the front and snarled most paths through campus). It wasn’t raining that afternoon but my precaution was well taken: when I finally left the library in the late evening, the rain had started up again. Groggy from my scholastic haze, I was shocked to find that nature and weather and the out-of-doors had all continued without me. Riding down Bancroft, I was impressed by the electrifying effect the rain had: extra-shiny reflections on the cars, and extra-black asphalt with a neon-like red reflections of taillights.

In five minutes I’ll leave go to tutor at Malcolm X school. My student, “Eddie,” is trying to imitate my out-loud reading by going as fast as he can. This means the words come out at the same pace as before, but with a tone of frantic urgency and almost no pause between words. I sometimes worry that he isn’t retaining what he has read, but last week we worked together on a book report and I found he’s getting most of it. His dopey teacher had acted like he’s a hopeless case, totally checked out, etc. but I find he works pretty hard if someone’s around to help him focus.

May 25, 1992

Doesn’t it piss you off when you get a defective band-aid? At the bike shop we have Curad. As you know, these are not the band-aids we grew up with, and I find myself somewhat hostile to them. Their lack of quality control is one of the small but nagging travesties that plague my employment at the shop. I would say about one in three Curad band-aids is defective. The little sanitary cotton pad is skewed, and sometimes has missed the center of the adhesive portion, so you get just a little triangle of pad, and the rest is free to stick to the wound. I really can’t believe the bandaging public tolerates Curads at all. At home I use Johnson & Johnson Band-Aid brand. This becomes expensive since I’m constantly washing dishes or taking my contact lenses out or something. I’m tempted to just leave the wet band-aids on and let them dry out, but I called Johnson & Johnson on their toll free number and asked about this. “You know how the box says they’re waterproof?” I asked. “Oh, yes, they certainly are,” said the lady earnestly, in her charming southern accent. “Well, does that mean I don’t need to change them once they’re wet?” I asked. “Oh, no, you should always replace them—that’s the only way to prevent bacteria from infecting the wound,” she replied. Puzzled, I asked, “Then what’s the benefit of their being waterproof?” A long pause. Finally she said, “Well, if you’re swimming you won’t lose them in the pool. And, they won’t go down the drain.”

September 12, 1992

I have purchased Lila - An Inquiry into Morals by Robert Pirsig, author of the classic Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I hope this second book is good, but I have little faith that it’ll live up to its predecessor. I really loved the Motorcycle book, but the really lame Epilogue, which Pirsig attached to it like a decade later, irritated me so much that I tore it out of the book. This act was, I’ll confess, tantamount to destroying knowledge and human thought itself. Even worse, it loosened the cheap glue binding on the whole book, so that eventually all the pages started falling out—a disaster, especially since this is the one book I really wanted to pass around among my friends. It’s a really shoddy paperback to begin with, from the imprint “BANTAM NEW AGE BOOKS: A Search for Meaning, Growth, and Change.” Other Bantam New Age editions include Ecotopia, Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior, and The Complete Crystal Guidebook. What bothers me isn’t so much the nature of these books by themselves—although that alone is annoying—but rather the very idea that Bantam could integrate so many conflicting and discrete books into a single group, as if they could all be united as life philosophies. Like somebody is going to just go right on down the list, finding Meaning, Growth, and Change in every one of these. It’s tempting to think that when Pirsig wrote Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, he would have winced at having his work co-opted into the Bantam New Age menagerie. But actually, the epilogue that he added later totally smacked of the easy, wildly speculative, faux-spiritual sentimentalism that the “NEW AGE BOOKS” line can be presumed to have. Who knows, maybe Pirsig got cocky; after all, his book sold like crazy and impressed a lot of people, many for perhaps the wrong reasons. Anyway, I still have the decrepit Motorcycle paperback, and without the Epilogue it is a work of pure genius. I’ll let you know how Lila ends up going.

—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—
Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

Ask a Fitness Dweeb

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

I read somewhere that I should always do my weight training before my cardio. Do you agree?

Justin D, Asheville, NC

Dear Justin,

I doubt it matters very much. According to the CDC, more than 60 percent of U.S. adults don’t get the recommended amount of physical activity, which is 150 minutes per week. Fixating on the order of your activities seems like gilding the lily to me. I will say that doing cardio first might help you warm up, which can prevent injury when lifting weights.

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

OK, I get that you work out a lot. So I’m wondering: do you still have some clothes that fit too tight, and/or some that are baggy?

Whitney P, Santa Monica, CA

Dear Whitney,

Sure I do! Don’t stress if you have this issue. It’s not you, it’s the clothes. Some stretch, some shrink, and even if we’re fit our bodies still do change over time. For example, my suit pants are super tight … I must have been biking up a lot of hills when I had them tailored. But I’ve also got these jeans that I’m practically swimming in, so having those fit better will be a nice silver lining when I gain some weight at some point.

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

During these short, dark, cold winter days my husband works out indoors on his bike trainer, and it’s almost scary to watch. He’s thrashing around with such intensity, and breathing so hard, it’s like an act of violence. Should I be worried? Could he have a heart attack or something?

Kim A, Berkeley, CA

Dear Kim,

As long as your husband is in good shape and warms up properly, it’s probably harmless. It could be that to reach his desired intensity he just needs a super high cadence, or resistance, or both. Maybe he’s working through some stress. See how he is afterward … if he seems mellower, that hammer-fest could be exactly what he needs (click here for details). As far as heart attacks, these do afflict sedentary people who suddenly exert themselves too intensely (for example, every winter you hear about people suffering heart attacks while shoveling snow). There is also some anecdotal evidence of ultra-fit athletes having heart problems, but I don’t think that’s widespread … click here for details. (I’m no real authority, of course … everyone is advised to consult a medical doctor before embarking on a fitness regimen.)

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

Walking is so low-intensity … does it even count as exercise?

Charles D, New York, NY

Dear Charles,

Any activity is better than nothing. Sure, you’ll be better off if at least some of your exercise is vigorous, and if you’re trying to lose weight intensity will definitely help. But it’s so simple to go for a walk, even if you have only 5 or 10 minutes, and it’s such a nice way to shift gears, get some air, etc., it would be absurd to denounce it. I use walks as a way to keep a perfect track record of getting activity every day. Even if you don’t get a chance for a proper workout, it’s never too dark, rainy, or cold to get out for a quick stroll.

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

I’m trying to increase my exercise consistency. Some of my fittest pals tell me the trick is gamification—that is, using a scoring system and/or friendly competition as a way to motivate them. They mention Strava, Zwift, etc. Do you employ gamification and if so is there a specific platform you recommend?

Brad H, Austin, TX

Dear Brad,

In general, I have found gamification to be very powerful. I haven’t tried Zwift (until recently, I thought it was a floor mop of some kind), nor am I on Strava. From what I’ve seen of Strava, it looks great for budding athletes because improvement over time can be very motivational. But as much as I exercise, age is slowing me down year by year, and in the Bay Area where I live there are so many dedicated bike racers, getting a KOM or even a top 50 would be pretty difficult. But regardless of age, level, talent, etc. you can totally employ DIY gamification. This could be as simple as sticking a gold star on your calendar for each day you exercise.

I have a really cool DIY gamification scheme. I host a quarterly online contest with over a dozen participants, all friends or family members, using a shared online spreadsheet. Here’s how it works: we simply enter the duration of our activity each day, and select the activity type from a pull-down menu. The spreadsheet calculates a score based on the difficulty. Here’s a snapshot (click to enlarge):

Formulas, graphs, etc. do the rest. The contest works really well for a lot of us, being very fun and motivational. The youngest participant is 17, and the oldest is almost 85. All but two of us are at or above the CDC exercise guideline, and three of us have more than tripled it. I’m happy to share the spreadsheet template—just email me here. (For what it’s worth, I used to do a far more complex contest that rewarded high intensity, based on heart rate, which led to absurd levels of fitness and suffering as detailed here.)

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

Given how much time you apparently spend exercising, do you ever contemplate what your regimen is displacing? In other words, what are you giving up to worship at the altar of fitness?

Laura M, Minneapolis, MN

Dear Laura,

I have contemplated this, but not at length, because for me it is an article of faith that exercise is worth making time for. I suppose there are insanely busy people, like the scientists who developed the COVID vaccine, or single mothers working two jobs to feed their families, who really cannot afford the luxury of daily workouts. But for the rest of us, trying to reduce exercise hours would make sense only after first cutting back on all the time wasted indulging in clickbait, binge-watching video entertainment, and being glued to the 24-hour news cycle.

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

Why do you settle for such an unflattering moniker? Don’t you feel demeaned? Why not “Exercise Advisor” or something? Just curious…

Rob R, Topeka, KS

Dear Rob,

When I first pitched this column to my editor, I proposed something like “guy who actually exercises.” He laughed in my face and said, “Sounds pretentious, which is especially annoying coming from a dweeb like you.” He reluctantly agreed to let me do the column, but only if I called myself The Fitness Dweeb.

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

My girlfriend wants to get an e-bike, not just for commuting but for actual exercise. If the point is fitness, isn’t an e-bike kind of like putting an escalator or moving walkway in a health club? Can you set her straight?

Monica L, Phoenix, AZ

Dear Monica,

Actually, I disagree with you. If an e-bike makes your girlfriend more likely to exercise, it’s a good thing. We all have to fight our natural aversion to unpleasant duress, and if that one big hill on her route is just too much to face before or after a long workday, why not get a little help surmounting it? I tried out a friend’s high-end electric-assist road bike once, and it was a total blast. I was still pedaling, still working, but I just flew along; more than anything, it made me feel young again. My impulse wasn’t to loaf; it was to go even faster. Look, when you compare cycling to a truly difficult sport like running or swimming, it could seem like the bicycle itself is cheating. Where pedal-assist bikes are concerned, I say go for it. (But that other kind of e-bike with no pedals, that’s like a scooter … forget it, that’s just a vehicle.)

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

Do you get a lot of hate mail?

John P, Detroit, MI

Dear John,

Of course I get some negative feedback, but most of it is positive. Here are a couple of recent comments:

I admire this article for the well-researched content and excellent wording.I got so involved in this material that I couldn’t stop reading.I am impressed with your work and skill.Thank you so much. 情趣用品 

With up to as} $3000 up for grabs as a new new} participant, DoucheyBetOnline has one of the best on line casino bonuses round. Remember that 25x playthrough requirements apply and every one|that every one} video games besides craps and stay dealer video games can be played.

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

I am an avid runner but don’t have the ambition to do any races. Can you suggest some S.M.A.R.T. goals to help me improve over time?

Jill M, Lafayette, CO

Dear Jill,

To be honest, even when I was a pretty serious bike racer, I didn’t put much stock in long-term goals. As detailed here, that approach covers the rest of my life as well. I think that devoting myself to the process, without worrying about where that might take me, has always been enough. For example, instead of worrying about next year or five years out, why not just make each run as fun and challenging as you can? More recently, I’ve concluded that SMART (i.e., specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound) goals might be the worst kind. As I describe here, when setting long-term goals such as New Year’s Resolutions, I favor DUMB ones: duplicate, unimpressive, mealy-mouthed, and best-effort. For example, my goal for this quarter is to try again to beat my brother Geoff in the humble online contest I described earlier … and if I fail, who cares, because it means he got a lot of exercise too! All this being said, if you want extra motivation for your running, maybe sign up for a Fun Run that’s longer or hillier than what you normally do.

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

After a workout I feel so good, I’m already looking forward to the next time … but then when the next time comes around, I find I’m dreading it. What gives?

Thomas B, Seattle, WA

Dear Thomas,

I struggle with that myself, and have for decades. It’s just the way we humans are wired, I’m afraid. But as I describe here, it may be possible to mitigate this dread a bit by making sure your workouts aren’t too long or too intense. In the moment, when we’re caught up in all the adrenaline and endorphins of a great workout, we’re often tempted to dig deeper and/or go longer, which is all well and good until we viscerally recall that experience later, when the adrenaline and endorphins have worn off. Then we seem to mainly remember the brutality of it. So I make a point to keep my regular workouts more reasonable, to exercise self-compassion, and to save the big efforts for when I ride with friends (i.e., when I struggle to keep up).

Dear Fitness Dweeb,

I had a gym membership for years because I thought shelling out the money for it would make me actually go … but it didn’t. So now I’ve quit, and I’m thinking hey, maybe I can put the money I’m saving toward something else, like nice gear, that can help motivate me to work out. But part of me thinks that might just be throwing good money after bad. What’s your take? Am I just being crazy?

Sarah D, Portland, OR

Dear Sarah,

No, you’re not crazy. Obviously spending money on fitness doesn’t guarantee results, but if any of your gear isn’t up to snuff, and thus makes your workout less fun, by all means replace it. Are your shoes completely comfortable? And given how much rain Portland gets, do you have the all-weather gear (i.e., groovy technical fabrics) you need? I have zero regrets about the super-cool bike wheels I bought a few years back, and I’m already dreaming of a new yoga mat that’s long enough that I don’t clonk my head on the hardwood floor during the full-body stretch…

The Fitness Dweeb is a syndicated journalist whose advice column, “Ask the Fitness Dweeb,” appears in over 0 blogs worldwide.

—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—
Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

Workout Megamix Liner Notes - Part VI: Recent Updates (continued)

Hear my playlist!

Hear my entire Megamix (200+ songs) on Spotify - click here!

Introduction

As you may have seen last week, I’ve appended my original workout music playlist (from years ago) to include a bunch of new songs. Well, not actually new, and not always even newer, but stuff I more recently realized is just perfect for exercising to indoors. I got to half of these tracks last time, and here are the rest. It’s not just a list, but also the liner notes: not the ones from the musical artists, which would of course be plagiarism, but my notes on why I like a song and/or anything else interesting about it.

I’m also including, as an appendix, the complete list of all my favorite workout songs since I originally started this project. Enjoy please enjoy.

Liner Notes – Dana’s Ultimate Superfly Workout Megamix Part VI

Icky Thump - The White Stripes

              The first few White Stripes albums were amazing, but then their fifth album pretty much sucked. Critics seemed to like it, but screw them. I almost gave up on this band but then went ahead and checked out “Icky Thump,” their sixth (and alas, final) album. Daaaaaamn! The whole collection is kickass! Pretty much any of the songs on it would be a solid addition to your megamix, but this track, along with 300 MPH Torrential Outpour Blues and Martyr for my Love for You, are particularly good.

Loot My Body - Man Man

              This song has it all: it’s fast, it’s funny, it rocks, and it somehow puts me in touch with my inner hipster while mocking hipsters and making me relieved I don’t seem to have an outer hipster. I think it takes a pretty special song to do all that.

Move Your Body - Sia

              Okay, so Sia is one of those acts I decided to check out because of an Eminem song. I liked her background vocals in Beautiful Pain so I checked out a Sia disc. (Yes, an actual disc, as I’m a Spotify newb.) My first impression was wow, she really needs a better songwriter (e.g., someone like Eminem). Her lyrics are so repetitive and uninspired. At the same time, her songs do have a good energy, and half the time riding indoors I’m cross-eyed and brain-dead anyway, and upon reflection I have concluded that this song, and others on her “This Is Acting” album, are perfect for indoor workouts. Also, one of her concert tours was called “Nostalgic for the Present,” which I think is clever (in an albeit cynical way).

Non-State Actor - Soundgarden

              For many years, I thought “Down on the Upside” was Soundgarden’s final album. They’d been releasing an album every couple years during their heyday, and then they broke up, and I thought that was that. Well, while I wasn’t looking, they quietly got back together and recorded “King Animal,” after a sixteen-year hiatus. This album almost passed me by completely, but a couple years ago I came to wonder (for reasons I can’t recall) if the novel Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov might have been an influence on the band. I researched this a bit and though I never found anything to support my theory, I did come across this last album and discovered it’s fricking great. If Non-State Actor doesn’t get you amped up during your workout, nothing will. Also check out By Crooked Steps, Bones of Birds, Black Saturday, and A Thousand Days Before.

Not the Same Anymore - The Strokes

              Okay, so this is another band I lost track of, and then suddenly there was this new album, “The New Abnormal,” which dropped at almost exactly the same time the U.S. went into shelter-in-place due to the COVID-19 pandemic. In that regard, the title of this album seems incredibly prescient. And it’s a kickass collection, definitely one of their finest. Not the Same Anymore starts off kind of mellow but builds nicely until it’s rocking plenty hard, and then it goes out like a lamb. Very cool indeed. Other good workout tracks from this album are Why Are Sundays So Depressing, The Adults are Talking, and Bad Decisions.

Pony - Ginuwine

              This is a workout megamix recommendation from my daughter Alexa. It’s amusing right off the bat with background vocals from some guy with an impossibly low voice. Then the proper singing kicks in, of course, or the song would be nothing but a gag. This is kind of an R&B style song, I think, so it’s kind of a departure from the general feel of my playlist, which never hurts. Very solid beat here without causing the kind of head-thrashing that eventually makes your neck sore.

Safe From Harm - Massive Attack

              This is a band I started listening to all the way back in 1991 when I was still in college. I rediscovered Massive Attack because my daughter wandered into their oeuvre and put a lot of their music on a playlist she made for me. Safe From Harm is a bit different from the rest of my megamix it that it’s trip hop instead of rock or rap. But don’t worry, it’s fast and rhythmic enough to keep your pedals turning.

Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

              This is one of those anthem-like exuberant songs that just go well with exercise. Heck, if I were one of those people who can dance, I would surely dance to this. It’s probably not one for your everyday mix because it’s a bit repetitive and simple, but gosh, it’s great for working out. Another good Killers song is Mr. Brightside.

Soul of a Man - Beck

             I cannot keep up with Beck. He has just put out so much stuff, and nobody ever tells me. It’s like I ought to subscribe to a music magazine or something, but to my earlier point, music critics are morons, and Rolling Stone has tobacco ads (which for me is an automatic boycott). But I digress. I stumbled across Beck’s eleventh studio album, “Modern Guilt,” more than a decade after its release, and although great music often has to grow on you gradually, Soul of a Man grabbed me instantly—I was like, “Holy shit, this song is awesome!” It’s also pretty short (about 2-½ minutes) which can feel like a relief during a workout if, like me, you often rest for just a bit between tracks.

Stop - Jane’s Addiction

              For me, this song is all about nostalgia. It brings me back to my UC Santa Barbara days. Jane’s Addiction played live on the UCSB campus as part of Extravaganza1989 and I’ll never forget it. Not the concert itself, mind you, since I didn’t attend, but the fact of it. A friend said the show sucked because the band members were totally drunk. But this song—that is, the recording they made when sober—is a great fit for indoor workouts. “Stop—now go!”

Thrift Shop - Macklemore

              This is a fun, funny song with a nice bouncy beat that’s great to ride along to. I absolutely love thrift shopping, and because my daughter turned me on to this song, it always reminds me of thrifting with her, and/or with her sister, and since I’m now an empty nester this song only gets more poignant over time. “This is fucking awesome.”

What’s Up Danger - Black Caviar & Blackway

              Look, let me make one thing clear: I’m not a giant fan of comic book movies (though I did like the first Wonder Woman). I’m trying to be a fricking adult, okay? According to Wikipedia, “Black Caviar claimed that ‘when the opportunity to write a song for the new Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse film came up, [their] 10-year-old selves were freaking out.’” Yeah, ten is about the perfect age for Spider-Man. But hey, the ticking-clock background effect in this song makes a nice metronome to pedal to, and being able to enjoy lowbrow pop songs is one of the great things about working out indoors.

More reading

Here are links to the rest of my series of Workout Megamix liner notes:

• Part I
• Part II
• Part III
• Part IV
• Part V
• Entire playlist on Spotify

Appendix – the complete Megamix list

For your convenience, here’s the complete list of Ultimate Superfly Workout Megamix tracks (208 songs, 54 artists, about 14 hours of music). Enjoy please enjoy.

‘Till I Collapse - Eminem
16 Shots -  Stefflon Don
20 Dollar - M.I.A.
212 - Azelia Banks
8 Miles & Runnin’ - Freeway/Jay-Z
911 Is a Joke - Public Enemy
A Punchup at a Wedding - Radiohead
A Thousand Days Before - Soundgarden
A.K.A. I-D-I-O-T - The Hives
Adrenaline Rush - Obie Trice
Airbag - Radiohead
Alive - Sia
Ass Like That - Eminem
Average Man - Obie Trice
Bad Girls - M.I.A.
Bad Guy - Eminem
Be Somebody - Kings of Leon
Beautiful - Eminem
Beautiful Pain - Eminem w/ Sia
Best Rapper Alive - Lil Wayne
Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden
Black Saturday - Soundgarden
Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos - Public Enemy
Blow Up the Outside World - Soundgarden
Bones of Birds - Soundgarden
Borders - M.I.A.
Born Free - M.I.A.
Brain Stew - Green Day
Broke as Fuck -  YBN Cordae
Bucky Done Gun - M.I.A.
Burden in My Hand - Soundgarden
Cash Money Millionaires - Lil Wayne
Celebrity Skin - Doja Cat
Cha Ching (Cheq 1-2 Remix) - Lady Sovereign
Charmer - Kings of Leon
Cheers - Obie Trice
Closer - Kings of Leon
Come As You Are - Nirvana
Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
Cool Cats - Obie Trice
Cops Shot the Kid - Nas
Creep - Radiohead
Cry Now - Obie Trice
Deja Vu - Eminem
Desperation - Eminem
Discombobulated - Eminem
Don’t Shoot (I’m a Man) - Devo
Down In It - Nine Inch Nails
Easy to Crash - Cake
Enter Sandman - Metallica
Everlong - Foo Fighters
Eyelid’s Mouth - Soundgarden
Fell In Love With a Girl - The White Stripes
Fell On Black Days - Soundgarden
Fight the Power - Public Enemy
Follow My Life - Obie Trice
Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Fresh - Devo
Galang - M.I.A.
Get Free - Lana Del Rey
Girls LGBNAF - Ice-T
Give It Away - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Gnat - Eminem
Godzilla - Eminem
Got Hungry - Obie Trice
Hands On You - Eminem/Obie Trice
Happiness is a Warm Gun - The Breeders
Heart In a Cage - The Strokes
Heart Shaped Box - Nirvana
Heartbeat - Ice-T
Hustlers - Nas
Hypnotize - The White Stripes
I Am Not a Human Being - Lil Wayne
I Could Have Lied - Red Hot Chili Peppers
I Go To Work - Kool Moe Dee
I Will - Eminem
Icky Thump - The White Stripes
If I Had - Eminem
I’m Back - Eminem
I’m Your Pusher - Ice-T
It Takes a Muscle - M.I.A.
Jack My Dick - Obie Trice
Jesus Christ Pose - Soundgarden
Just Lose It - Eminem
Killing Lies - The Strokes
Knives Out - Radiohead
Know It Ain’t Right - M.I.A.
Last Nite - The Strokes
Legacy - Eminem
Like Suicide - Soundgarden
Little Acorns - The White Stripes
Loco-Motive - Nas
Lollipop - Lil Wayne
Longview - Green Day
Look In My Eyes - Obie Trice
Loot My Body - Man Man
Lose Yourself - Eminem
Love Me - 50 Cent
Love Me or Hate Me - Lady Sovereign
Love the Way You Lie - Eminem
Matangi - M.I.A.
Mockingbird - Eminem
Money Over Bullsh*t - Nas
Mother - Pink Floyd
Move Your Body - Sia
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Mr. Carter - Lil Wayne
Mrs. Officer - Bobby Valentino/Lil Wayne
My Dad’s Gone Crazy - Eminem
My England - Lady Sovereign
My Mom - Eminem
My Name Is - Eminem
My Wave - Soundgarden
No Love - Lil Wayne/Eminem
No Regrets - Eminem
Non-State Actor - Soundgarden
Not Going Back - Nas
Not the Same Anymore - The Strokes
Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
Offend In Every Way - The White Stripes
On the Other Side - The Strokes
One Mic - Nas
One Time 4 Your Mind - Nas
Outshined - Soundgarden
Overfloater - Soundgarden
Paint It Black - The Rolling Stones
Paper Planes - M.I.A.
Personal - Ice-T
Pony - Ginuwine
Pump Your Fist - Kool Moe Dee
R.A.K.I.M. - Rakim
Rabbit Run - Eminem
Radio Suckers - Ice-T
Rap God - Eminem
Rewind - Nas
Rhinosaur - Soundgarden
Richard - Obie Trice
Roughnecks - Obie Trice
Safe From Harm - Massive Attack
Santeria - Sublime
Searching With My Good Eye Closed - Soundgarden
Seduction - Eminem
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
Sexodus - M.I.A.
Shoot Me Down -Lil Wayne
Shooter - Lil Wayne
Sick Of You - Cake
Sing For the Moment - Eminem
Smack That - Eminem
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers
So Human - Lady Sovereign
Soul of a Man - Beck
Spoonman - Soundgarden
Stan - Eminem
Stop - Jane’s Addiction
Suck My Kiss - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Sunshowers - M.I.A.
Superunknown - Soundgarden
Survival - Eminem
Sympathy For the Devil - The Rolling Stones
Take It or Leave It - The Strokes
Take, Take, Take - The White Stripes
Takeover - Jay-Z
Tango - Lady Sovereign
Tarantula - Bob Schneider
Tell Me Why - M.I.A.
That Was Just Your Life - Metallica
The Adults Are Talking - The Strokes
The Air Near My Fingers - The White Stripes
The Day I Tried To Live - Soundgarden
The Day That Never Comes - Metallica
The Girl Tried To Kill Me - Ice-T
The God That Failed - Metallica
The Hardest Button to Button - The White Stripes
The Man Who Sold the World - Nirvana
The Monster - Eminem with Rihanna
The Real Slim Shady - Eminem
The Righteous & The Wicked - Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Unforgiven - Metallica
The Unforgiven III - Metallica
Thrift Shop - Macklemore
Through Being Cool - Devo
Time To Get Ill - Beastie Boys
Truckdrivin’ Neighbors Downstairs - Beck
Trunk - Kings of Leon
U Wanna Be Me - Nas
Ultraviolence - Lana Del Rey
Unorthadox Daughter - No Lay
Untutored Youth - The Hives
Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
W.T.P. - Eminem
What I Got - Sublime
What’s Up Danger - Black Caviar & Blackway
What’s Wrong With Them - Lil Wayne
When I Come Around – Green Day
Where Did You Sleep Last Night - Nirvana
Where Is My Mind? - The Pixies
Wherever I May Roam - Metallica
Whip It - Devo
Why Are Sundays So Depressing - The Strokes
Worse Dreams - Soundgarden
Wrong Way - Sublime
XR2 - M.I.A.
Yah Yah - Eminem
You Ain’t Got Nuthin - Lil Wayne
Young Lust - Pink Floyd
Zero Chance - Soundgarden

—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—
Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

Workout Megamix Liner Notes - Part V: Recent Updates

Hear my playlist!

Hear my entire Megamix (200+ songs) on Spotify - click here!

Introduction

“Don’t smile until February.” These are words of wisdom I heard recently from a third-grade teacher, on how to maintain order in the classroom. But these words could just as easily apply to a winter workout regimen. Staying fit just isn’t as much fun when the cold, dark, and rain send us inside.

Almost seven years ago in these pages, I started a series on what music I recommend for indoor workouts. The tedium of riding rollers or a trainer requires a meticulously curated collection, or “megamix,” of fast-paced, hard driving rock or rap songs. (Do you also need a great playlist for brisk walking or running on that treadmill you bought during the pandemic? Of course.)

I don’t discover new music as quickly as Gen-Z does, but I have added a lot to my collection over the years, and now have many more tracks to recommend. (This makes even more sense now than it did seven years ago, because now everyone has Spotify and doesn’t have to buy or borrow CDs. Click here for my Spotify playlist.) And so, here are my current recommendations, along with “liner notes” (a more metaphorical concept than ever, since so many young listeners have never seen a record jacket liner). 

Liner Notes – Dana’s Ultimate Superfly Workout Megamix Part V

212 - Azelia Banks

              I discovered this song, and this artist, through one of those YouTube algorithms. It figured since I like M.I.A. videos, I’d like this video too, and put it into my feed. Well, the algorithm wasn’t wrong. The video is fun and funny, and I dig the song too. It’s perfect for riding rollers. (But I’m still not a big fan of these algorithms.)

16 Shots -  Stefflon Don

              My daughter turned me on to this one. As with “212” above, I cannot figure out what the singer is even talking about. The song seems political and probably relates to current events, which it’d be easy enough to google, but none of that matters to me. As has been observed by the philosopher Rakim, “It’s just the beat, the beat, the beat.”

Borders - M.I.A.

              I really like M.I.A. and lots of her songs have made my workout megamix, but I have to admit, I like each album a little less than the one before it. This is my favorite song from her fifth album, AIM, from 2016. And if you have a giant plasma TV in your home gym, be sure to check out the video too. It’s pretty awesome … possibly more extras than I’ve even seen in a music video.

Broke as Fuck -  YBN Cordae

              YBN Cordae, according to Wikipedia, is “known mononymously as Cordae.” What? You don’t know this word, “mononymous”? I didn’t either. It means having only one name. But of course that’s not the case with this musician, unless you decide to call him Cordae. I mean, you could as easily say I’m known mononymously as Dana, except that I’m not known. Now, I don’t know much about Cordae except he got his start doing a remix of “My Name Is” by Eminem. How does a rapper whose name isn’t Slim Shady or Eminem make a name for himself doing a remix of “My Name Is”? Are you as confused as I am? Well, who cares. This is another song my daughter turned me on to, and you can totally pedal to it.

Celebrity Skin - Doja Cat

              This is a cover of the Hole song. If you’re reading this post out loud to somebody, you’re going to have to pause here and explain it’s H-O-L-E, not W-H-O-L-E. Anyhow, I was never crazy about the original version of this song, but the vocals in this cover take it up a notch. Solid.

Cops Shot the Kid - Nas

              This one starts off with a dude telling a story, and he does a pretty funny imitation of a white cop saying sternly, “All right you kids, stop having so much fun. Move along.” This monologue goes on for about twenty seconds, which gives you a nice respite from all that hammering, as you just soft-pedal and listen, but then the song suddenly gets hard and fast and disturbing and dark. If you sync up your pedaling, you’ll start to really suffer, but you’ll go ahead and pour on the pace because you know the song is fairly short. Man. It’s a good one.

Down In It - Nine Inch Nails

              You’re thinking “What? I thought this was new music albertnet is recommending!” No, just new to my workout megamix. This song is definitely old school. I can’t hear it without thinking of my old college roommate who, as described here, listened to this song constantly to the exclusion of all others. Nevertheless, it’s a good one and easy to dance—er, to work out—to.

Everlong - Foo Fighters

               I fricking love this song. It’s old-school at this point too, being from 1997, and though I was aware of it then, I only came to love it recently. (I was like that with avocados too … just really late learning to appreciate them.) The drumming on this in particular song is so good, I not only wish it were louder, but I wish I could be inside the drum while the song is being played. Alas, the Foo Fighters’ drummer, Taylor Hawkins, died this year, very suddenly. So it’s kind of sad to hear this song now, but mostly it’s just awesome.

Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd

              Okay, this song is almost as old as I am. What’s it doing on this list? Well, I asked my older daughter to give me her top 10 workout songs, and this was one of them. I think it’s adorable how these youngsters somehow discover music this old, totally on their own somehow. I also tend to associate this song with El Freebird’s, the taqueria in Isla Vista where I won the Burrito World Championships, so it brings back good memories. And the song, though it picks up gradually and is super long, does freakin’ rock out eventually so it does totally belong in my megamix.

Get Free - Lana Del Rey

              I read somewhere that Lana Del Rey was sued by Radiohead over this song, their claim being that it ripped off “Creep.” I couldn’t make out any resemblance at all and thought this seemed crazy. So with no preamble I played the song for my daughter and asked if it reminded her of anything. She replied, “I’m getting a pretty strong ‘Creep’ vibe from it.” OMG. I obviously know nothing about music. Clearly the ripoff (or tribute, if you want to prevaricate) was clear enough to my kid, and as described here, “The Guardian found that the chords used in ‘Creep’ were rare in pop music and that the melodies bore an ‘uncanny resemblance.’” But ignorant as I may be, I do know what I like, and this song is great. I was going to say something about the pacing of it, along with that of other songs, but I can’t remember my point. Suffice to say, virtually all the songs in this megamix can be synced with your pedaling, at one cadence or another, and the variety helps since sometimes ya wanna spin, and sometimes ya wanna get out of the saddle and mosh.

Godzilla - Eminem

              There seems to be a tendency among music critics to be hard on Eminem and suggest he’s washed up. This is the clearest example of incompetence I have ever seen. Not to sound like a troll or anything , but anyone who bags on Eminem is just an idiot, and the critics need to evaluate how far they’ve drifted from actual listeners, considering Eminem’s last eleven albums have hit number one on the US charts. This guy is amazing—he just gets better and better. If I gave him his due on this list of killer workout tracks, his songs would dominate and the whole post would look like an ad.  Godzilla is a lot of fun, has perfect energy for hammering your ass off, and even set a new record for speed: 10.65 syllables per second. The video is a hoot as well. You should definitely add the following tracks to your mix, too: No Regrets, Yah Yah, I Will, Gnat, No Regrets, The Ringer, and Darkness. Oh, and just about all his other songs, too.

To be continued

I thought I could cram all my new recommendations into a single post, but you lucked out: I’ve run out of space (or more to the point, you’ve run out of patience). Next week I’ll cover the rest of my modern megamix. I’ll also include, as an appendix, my entire workout song list, comprising over 200 tracks. Watch for it!

More reading

Here are links to the rest of my series of Workout Megamix liner notes:

• Part I
• Part II
• Part III
• Part IV
• Part VI
• Entire playlist on Spotify

—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—~—
Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

Shelter-In-Place Frequently Asked Questions

Introduction

I’d like to distract you from all the doom and gloom around COVID-19, but it seems to be all I can think about. I’m in the San Francisco Bay Area, one of the first places in the U.S. to be put on mandatory shelter-in-place. We’re allowed to leave the house only for “essential activities.” What does that mean, exactly? Well, that’s one of the many questions I’ll answer here. Note that this post isn’t just about policy, but also about the experience so far.

I’m not like some big authority on this, but I’ve been at it a while. These questions comprise a) ones I’ve asked, b) ones others have asked me, and c) questions that have flown around via email threads. Others are hypothetical but I’m sure somebody, somewhere is asking them.

What is an “essential activity”?

In a nutshell, we’re allowed out to engage in activities essential to health and safety; to obtain necessary services or supplies or to deliver them; to work at an “essential business”; to care for family members in another household; or to engage in outdoor activity for exercise.

“Necessary supplies” doesn’t just cover groceries, but also booze and weed. I guess the local government is going easy on addicts. But you can’t go to a pub because that would involve a gathering, and that’s prohibited. Whatever we do, we have to stay six feet from others.

Can I throw a dinner party?

No. That’s actually a misdemeanor. But you can make your kids eat with you. My family has had some success with this.

What kinds of businesses are open?

Some take-out restaurants are open. Grocery stores are open, obviously. To my surprise, some bike shops are not only open, but at least one of them (I heard from a pal) was hopping the other day. But all our brothels are closed. (No, we have no brothels. Just making sure you’re awake.)

Are people in your ostensibly progressive community behaving in a somewhat racist fashion, for example by avoiding Chinese take-out?

Yep.

What is “bugging in”?

As detailed in this article, bugging in refers to hoarding tons of groceries and other supplies as though we actually needed to. I’m so glad I read that article because I learned that the Germans have a word for this: “Hamsterkäufe, meaning to shop like a nervous, bulging-cheeked hamster.”

I haven’t bothered to head over to Costco, but I saw plenty of bugging in at my local Safeway. The meat, dairy, bread, and pasta aisles were utterly ransacked. Check out this pasta section: a lone box of pasta, which was the weird tiny stuff that’s like gravel, was all they had left, and almost the only sauce remaining was the kale pesto. I’d hate to be the product manager for that variety.

I stood in line for half an hour in the Express Aisle with my ten items. Everybody was totally ignoring the 15-items-or-less rule. When this kind of societal breakdown happens, you know finally that the center cannot hold. You know what I call these kinds of shoppers? Express-holes.

Why do people stock up on toilet paper in particular?

Don’t read too much into this. If you were to tally up all the products related to what we take in, that would totally dwarf this lone output-related product. I suspect when people see others stocking up on toilet paper they probably assume there’s a valid reason behind it (which is giving their fellow man way too much credit, IMHO). Beyond that, I guess people just can’t handle the idea of what would happen if they ran out of toilet paper.

This is pretty silly, actually … I get that starvation would kind of suck, but it’s not like toilet paper is fundamental to sustaining life. As detailed here, Russia lacked toilet paper entirely during my own lifetime: “The first toilet paper factory in the USSR was built in 1969, but it took many more years to supply the huge country with this essential commodity.” Before that, the Russians just used old newspapers. Given their survival of those dark pre-TP days, I think we could probably manage somehow.

Myself, I haven’t bothered to lay in an extra supply. I suppose I could use this handy Online Toilet Paper Calculator to see how my household is doing, but I’m counting on our manufacturing industry to step up to the plate here. The guy at Safeway assures me their supply chain is only temporarily backed up.

Can I go outside to get exercise?

I’ve read a gazillion emails about this from the various cycling teams I’m hooked into. The short answer is yes, you can exercise outside, but not with others. The prohibition on “All travel, including, but not limited to, travel on foot, bicycle, scooter, motorcycle, automobile, or public transit” is mitigated by the stipulation that we may leave our homes “to engage in outdoor activity, provided the individuals comply with Social Distancing Requirements as defined in this Section, such as, by way of example and without limitation, walking, hiking, or running.”

Even before the shelter-in-place order, as acting head coach for the Albany Cougars I had to decide whether to hold practices after our NorCal League canceled our next two races. Other high school teams shut down upon hearing this, even before the schools closed. But all our assistant coaches were game to keep riding, as well as the riders, and the school was okay with us continuing. I worked out a whole protocol around COVID-19 (e.g., no water sharing; no food sharing; no riding two-abreast; all coaches outfitted with surgical gloves in case we have to provide first aid; multiple groups to maintain social distance, etc.). Everyone was game. In fact, I had riders asking if their friends could join us; a rider’s parent asking if his kid’s sister could join us; riders asking if friends from other (i.e., shut-down) teams could join us; even a parent asking if he could come. This was all before the shelter-in-place order came down, though. Now of course I’ve had to put the kibosh on team rides, though I have encouraged riders to still get out, and suggested they pick a common route and set out ten minutes apart, in case somebody has a bike problem etc.

Are locals taking advantage of their right to exercise outdoors?

Yes, totally. My wife and I took a walk up the main commercial street in our neighborhood to see what businesses were still open, and we’re pretty sure we’ve never seen so many people out walking. Cycling pals report that there are tons of hikers on the trails.

When out in public, is it difficult staying six feet apart?

It hasn’t been difficult, but it’s been a bit awkward. Amazon misdelivered a package to my house and when I took it over to drop it on my neighbor’s porch, he happened to be out front. I told him what happened and he strode toward me, looking all friendly like he might even shake my hand, and though I wouldn’t say I panicked, I was a bit startled. I set the package on the ground and stepped back a few feet, and he looked at me like I was crazy.

At Walgreens, those in line at the prescription counter were giving each other like eight feet. I even felt I had to ask, “Are you in line?”(thus running the risk of getting the response, “No, I’m just standing here like a jackass because I enjoy it,” though nobody said this). On my way out, I started down an aisle and some guy was coming my way. He stopped and stared at me, looking decidedly worried. Obviously the aisle was too narrow to allow us six feet of separation, but it’s not like either of us was coughing or anything. I turned around and headed off to find another aisle to head down, just to give the guy some slack.

While I was at the checkout somebody ran through the exit without paying for something, triggering the alarm (which announced in a robot voice, “Alarm activated, please return to your cashier” over and over), which the cashiers blithely ignored. I hadn’t found any rubbing alcohol on the shelves, but the casher had a stash behind the counter. “I have to keep it back here or people will steal it,” he said. (People used to steal Nyquil to cook meth with, but these are different times.)

In your last post you lamented the closing of Bay Area pubs. Is virtual pub night a thing?

I don’t know if it’s widespread, but three pals and I did have a virtual pub night over Zoom the other evening. I have to say, it worked even better than I’d expected. We had some good beers and some good laughs and the only time things bogged down was when my Internet connection temporarily dropped and we got sidetracked for a few minutes discussing the pros and cons of various video conferencing platforms before somebody pointed out how absolutely dull that is and what a bunch of irredeemable geeks we are. Other than that side-trip, it was a blast.

Here’s a little booze-related quiz for you: given the wobbly logic of COVID-19 paranoia, which of the beers shown below is safest for consumption?

I gave this quiz to a handful of people. Two picked the Stella, because of the paper on the neck that extends all the way to the cap. I’m not sure how this would help so I consider that a wrong answer. Two said the Westmalle, because (being a Belgian ale) it probably has the most alcohol. I suppose this was based on the dubious theory that ingesting alcohol could protect against the virus. But: wrong again. The correct answer is in fact the Westmalle, but not because of its ABV (though it’s a stellar 9.5%) but because it’s brewed in a Trappist abbey. Who could be better isolated from this virus than a bunch of monks? (Note: obviously you wouldn’t get COVID-19 from beer, but I did say “given the wobbly logic of COVID-19 paranoia.” In fact, on that basis all three answers are equally valid.)

Where can I get a list of fun things to do while sheltering in place?

You don’t even have to do an Internet search … just look in your Spam folder. I’ve been getting “helpful” emails from some realtor I’ve never done business with and a Toyota dealer I’ve never even heard of.

Are these lists useful?

No, of course not. The ideas are pretty dumb, like “get ahead on spring cleaning,” “create lists,” “fix up your house,” “fix your marriage” and a bunch of other nonsense. I think the best ways to pass the time are highly specific to your home situation. In my case, my older daughter was kicked out of her college dorm and sent home until October. So she’s spending her time learning to play Beatles and Radiohead songs on here ukulele and of course fighting with her little sister, who is pretty ticked at no longer having her own bedroom. One of my fun new activities is trying to figure out why my younger daughter’s homework submissions, via an online survey platform, are failing to go through.

My friend’s daughter Maddie staved off boredom yesterday by doing some bathroom sculpture using only materials found in her home:

I’d like to point out that the artist is not condoning tobacco use. In fact, the use of the toilet in this work is symbolic.

I forgot to stock up at the library before it closed. What can I do?

I’m assuming this question is sarcastic, making fun of my old-school habits, but I’m going to answer it anyway. Since your kid is probably trying out Netflix for 30 days (and will learn a hard lesson about how to extricate herself from these “special offers” later), you could watch any of the dozen or so movies that platform still offers. You could also see what online resources (e.g. Kanopy) your library has on offer for free.

Also, if you’re good at computer/Internet stuff, you can while away the hours doing remote tech support, helping an old person get all this to work on his or her tablet or laptop. This is a bit like teaching a cat to do algebra, communicating only by Braille. You will hear things like, “Oh no, it vanished.” You’ll be like, “What vanished?” And s/he will be like, “All of it!” And you’ll say, “The whole screen?” and s/he will say, “‘The New Yorker,’” and you’ll say, “You mean the window?” and s/he will say, “The Internet thing” and you’ll say, “The browser?” and s/he will say, “Well … the [unintelligible].”

Speaking of “The New Yorker,” shelter-in-place might finally give you time to catch up. You can view the entire archive online, all the way back to 1925, if you’re a subscriber. The other night my wife and I read a classic story from 1996 to our kids, who laughed all the way through it. Afterward we got into a lively literary discussion, which was a real kick, though it unsurprisingly ended with the kids fighting.

Are all English majors as insufferably self-satisfied as you?

No, I’m particularly bad.

Any tips for indoor workouts?

If you have your own Stairmaster, try to avoid the temptation to merely go through the motions, supporting most of your weight on your hands so your legs don’t have to work so hard. If you have a rowing machine, row merrily and remember that life is but a dream. If you ride your bike on a stationary trainer or rollers, here is a handy guide to getting the most out of that. In particular, make sure you have some righteous, hard-driving tunes as detailed here.

What is Zwift?

With a one-two cleaning punch, Swiffer Sweeper is designed to sweep and mop your floors. Thick dry sweeping cloths conform to the surface of your floors and grout lines, trapping and locking dirt. Wet mopping cloths dissolve dirt and grime for good, trapping it in its core and locking it away. There is no better way to protect your family from COVID-19 than to Swiff!

Not Swiff, numbnuts … Zwift!

Oh, sorry. Zwift is an indoor training système that attaches to your compliant $500-1000 indoor trainer so you race your friends in the virtual realm, explore real and imagined landscapes, follow detailed training plans, and more, blah blah blah … with your paid monthly subscription.

Do you recommend it?

I haven’t tried it … my kickass E-motion rollers aren’t compatible and I’m not about to replace them. But that’s okay … I’m thinking it’s about time to start heading outdoors again anyway.

More reading on the pandemic

• E-Book Options During COVID-19 Lockdown
• Is Cycling Safe During the COVID-19 Pandemic?
• The Toilet Paper Hoarding Conundrum
• More COVID Chronicles – Baking in Place
• When Will the Pandemic End?
• What Are Hospitals Like During the Pandemic?
• How to Talk to Your Cat About COVID-19
• Teleworking During the COVID-19 Pandemic
• Why Don’t The Dutch Wear COVID Masks?
• Travel Tips During the COVID-19 Pandemic
• COVID Wristbands

--~--~--~--~--~--~--~---~--

For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.