Sunday, December 15, 2024

2024 Online Holiday Gift Guide!

Introduction

I used to do most of my Christmas shopping at the Westfield San Francisco Centre, which Tripadvisor calls “iconic” and “a premier retail destination.” (In fact, it was at that very mall that I was intercepted by a lotion sniper back in 2010.) Alas, due to a combination of COVID, teleworking, and competition from e-commerce, the SF Centre is practically a ghost town, with entire floors closed down and much of its famous spiral escalator boarded up. If something similar is going on in your neighborhood, fear not: with my annual albertnet Online Holiday Gift Guide, you can shop online without a lot of false starts and dead ends. And as a bonus this year, I’m posting in time for you to actually do some shopping before it’s too late!

I would like to point out that I have not received any free products or other remuneration for showcasing these gifts. In fact, I have never even laid my hands on them. So, caveat emptor! (That’s pig Latin for “due diligence is incumbent on the buyer, not the seller, nor the blogger.”)

Skull bottle opener - $32

As a kitchen gadget, this Crack One Open bottle opener isn’t particularly compact or easy to use. But as a gift, it delivers a complicated message with finesse and precision. That message is, “I know you drink beer, and I even support that, but you must never forget that ALCOHOL KILLS.”


That’s right, this little doodad is appropriately sobering even as it enables a sweet buzz. That’s a pretty special gift, I think.

Santa Claus sticker – $4

At first blush this Santa sticker doesn’t make much sense. I mean, since when is Santa Claus a life coach or guru? But the full message is, “Believe in yourself since you don’t believe in me anymore.”


This is really for kids: in particular, the ones who just got the devastating news about Santa. And when they stick this on their laptops or water bottles for all to see, they’ll be easing their pals at school into reality as well.

By the way, don’t be surprised if this product doesn’t totally match the picture above. The 5-star reviews include “Super cute little pin that will make the perfect gift for my friend!!” and “Super great little happy pen.” ???

Necklace stacker clasp - $16

Necklaces are the best. They draw attention to a woman’s pretty neck; catch the light in a pleasant way; and, of course, showcase her wealth. A well-attired woman should own many necklaces. The only trouble is, it’s difficult to wear more than one at a time, because they get tangled up. What a waste of potential, to leave necklaces at home …it’s like leaving cards on the table! Well, just wait until that special woman in your life receives this ingenious gift: the Lucky Necklace Layering Clasps Separator!


Not only is this clasp a cinch to use, enabling straightforward display of three necklaces at once, but it’s “designed to be water and sweat resistant to prevent corrosion.” So she can rock the clasp when working out or deep sea diving! Best of all, this item opens the door for next year’s Christmas gift: another necklace!

Rearview mirror cycling gloves - $56

Do you have a cyclist friend who really pisses you off? For example, for Christmas last year he gave you couples’ handholding mittens, right on the heels of your heart-rending breakup? Well, it’s revenge time. Give him these rearview mirror cycling gloves.


Are you kidding me? These are totally Fredtastic! This is the gift that says, “Yes, I really do think you’re a complete idiot!” If he opens this gift in front of you, he’ll have to pretend to like it. You can scrutinize his performance, and then decide whether or not to disclose that he’s been punked.

Optical illusion bowls - $55

These perfectly simple Lessmore Bowls serve up a wonderful optical illusion (exemplifying a known phenomenon, the Jastrow Illusion). As described by the manufacturer, “When placed side by side, one bowl seems much longer than the other. However, when you switch their positions they seem to switch sizes as well!”


So what’s the point? Well, they’re perfect for families with small children: specifically, for defusing sibling rivalry. Breathe new life into the age-old complaint, “He got more than me!” Just dole out the portions into these bowls, switch them back and forth like a shell game, and in no time your kids will be too confused to fight. Thanks, Lessmore Bowls!

Beard bib apron - $16 

Do you have a friend who’s so in love with his beard he can’t resist accessorizing with brushes, combs, special shampoos and moisturizers, and trimmers? Is he sad because he’s run out of ways to celebrate his dashing hipster facial hair? Well, you can surprise and delight him with this Beard Bib Apron!


Granted, beard trimming pitfalls like a messy sink, clogged drain, and wasted towels are purely fictitious, like ring-around-the-collar, but nobody needs to admit that. When your friend mansplains the benefit of this ingenious invention, his girlfriend/wife/other will be (or at least seem) enraptured.

Chalkboard mug - $13

Have you been scouring the Internet looking for a nice mug to give to your coffee- or tea-loving friend or loved one? Well, look no further: this Chalkboard Mug is adaptable to any mood, any sentiment.


But this is more than just a way to increase one’s enjoyment of hot beverages. It’s actually an intervention for those sad sacks you know who can’t resist constantly buying mugs emblazoned with a pithy statement like “YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO WORK HERE, BUT IT HELPS” or “GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, DADS WITH PRETTY DAUGHTERS DO.” With this mug, your lucky recipient can just rip off any clever aphorism they see, or freestyle with their own bold declaration (e.g, “WASH ME”).

Beer foamer - $96

This Canned Beer Draft System “uses ultrasonic vibrations to create a dense micro-foam that boosts the flavor of any canned beer.”


Now, it’s intuitively obvious that vibrating a beverage cannot change its actual flavor, but that’s not the point. It’s the micro-foam your lucky recipient wants, and this clever contraption delivers. With this little number he can increase the arsenal of cool beer-themed gadgets in his home and thereby impress his friends.

But what if $96 is too much to spend on a friend? For a more affordable version of this gift that would work just as well, get a 3x5 card and (in your neatest handwriting) write, “For a foamier head on your beer, slosh the beer more aggressively as you pour it.” Your friend will love you!

Lemon squeezer - $15

When your friend or family member receives this lemon squeezer, she’s gonna ask, “Where has this been all my life?”


Because you really don’t want to touch a lemon. OMG, don’t even go there. Your hands might smell like lemon oil for days. As the manufacturer says, “With a big smile and no mess, you can simply squeeze your lemons and prepare your salads, juices, tea or any other dish without having to worry about it.” Worry about what? You know, it. All of it. No wonder your loving family member has been so worried … she probably cooks with lemon! This squeezer also “prevents eye splashes” … thank God that nightmare is finally over.

Purse organizer insert - $9 to $35

Does it seem like your wife has at least a dozen purses (and counting)? And is it the case that she can never find anything, because all her purses have completely different configurations with all kinds of hidden pockets that seem to swallow everything from car keys to glasses to her wallet? Well, her life—and thus yours—is about to get a lot easier, thanks to this OMYSTYLE purse organizer insert.


Now she can organize her stuff just one time, with this single, logically designed, easily adaptable insert, and then pop it into whatever purse she feels like carrying for the day. What’s that, you say? All her purses are a different size? No problem! This insert is available in Medium, Slender Medium, Large, Slender Large, X-Large, and Mini! And that’s not all … it’s also available in 16 colors! Imagine the number of permutations available, especially when you combine size, color, and the wide range of purses your wife has. The possibilities are endless!

Steering wheel tray - $18

You might have a humble car yourself … but suppose your friend or loved one has an ultimate superfly ride replete with fancy aftermarket rims, tinted windows, and personalized license plates. What do you get for the car that has everything? Why, this Lebogner steering wheel tray!


Yes, this ingenious product provides a new way for your friend or family member to spend even more time in his car! Perfect for when even the home office doesn’t provide enough privacy (think of that couple who are always looking for ways to avoid each other, and really ought to divorce but you’ve given up hope). This gift is also suited to the guy who realizes he overspent on his car, but can now say, “Hey, it’s not just my car … it’s my office, my dining room, and my vanity!”

History every day interactive mug - $28

This beautiful ceramic mug features not only the dictionary definition of the word history (“A record of the triumphant, terrible, and ceaselessly astounding stories throughout time”) but a QR code which feeds the user’s smartphone “a new historical event that happened on that date.” Now, I know we’re deep into oxymoronic territory with “new historical” but suffice to say, the app provides a synopsis of a historical event that took place on the same date any number of years before.


I’d love to say this is the perfect gift, but really it isn’t. First of all, the definition printed on it is wrong. We all know that history—far from being “ceaselessly astounding”—is actually famously boring. Meanwhile, the daily tidbit is just too short … you read it in like 30 seconds and then have nothing interesting to look at while you unhurriedly enjoy the rest of your coffee. On top of that, the daily rotation of reading material is too frequent … it would mean washing your mug every single day, which just isn’t practical. But the most important failing of this mug is that it’s the same dull subject—history—every single time. Wouldn’t it be better to have a weekly cadence of longer pieces, spanning all kinds of subjects, from how-to guides to fiction, from food & drink to music to parenting to … I think you can see where I’m headed here. I’m talking about an albertnet mug.


Obviously I could go to one of those custom add-your-photo websites, Shutterfly or whatever, and make the QR-equipped albertnet mug myself, and probably make a killing selling them. But honestly, I can’t be bothered … I’m too busy writing. So I hereby give you, gentle reader, permission to take this idea and run with it. Here is the fully functional albertnet QR code for the back side of the mug.


Seriously, I’m happy to let you take all the credit and receive all the gratitude for this thoughtful, one-of-a-kind gift, as I’ll be perfectly content with all the new readers I’ll be getting. That can be your gift to me, the tireless blogger who has tried all year to amuse and enlighten you. Thank you in advance!

Other albertnet holiday posts

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