The Pros & Cons of Co-Sleeping

vlog

I’m told by an expert blogger that most readers are scared off by large amounts of text (even if these people read thousands of words per day on Twitter). Meanwhile, I refuse to partake in illiteracy-shaming by providing only a written version of albertnet. Thus, I’m offering this post as a vlog, and as a podcast (click Play and don’t look). The full text follows the video.

Introduction

Co-sleeping is a very controversial practice: you either swear by it or utterly denounce it. The chances of constructive dialogue between people on opposing sides of this issue are negligible. Here I examine both perspectives to help you make an informed choice.

The benefits of co-sleeping

It’s pretty obvious why co-sleeping seems desirable: there’s no putting-to-bed ritual required, which simplifies the bedtime routine. Even more obviously, there’s the intimacy and bonding that are so crucial—and so sweet! “There is an instinctive desire to be close to your babyface,” says Sunita Gupta, a pediatric RN in Austin, Texas, in this article. “Working people who don’t get this closeness throughout the day often look to bedtime to achieve it.”

This is the easy side of the equation, of course. So why are so many people dead-set against this fairly intuitive practice?

The downsides of co-sleeping

Consider this scenario: you’ve fallen asleep reading in bed, and as you roll over on your side and turn out the lamp, you’re aware of this warm presence right up against your belly, all snuggled up. How wonderful! Perhaps you even sigh contentedly as you drift off to sleep … and all is well until the wee hours, perhaps 2:00 or 3:00 a.m., when you realize something is wrong. You feel this strange pricking sensation against your fingertips. Not quite awake, you move your hand—but then you feel that pricking feeling again. And again. It’s like a very faint electrical shock. And then there’s this warm breath in your face, and you realize your little darling is wide awake. And bored. And biting you.

No, she’s not trying to hurt you … just to wake you up. She seems to think it’s feeding time. And here’s where things get really messy: in the next few moments, your every move is crucial—your good night’s sleep hangs in the balance.

Perhaps your best hope is to the grab the little rascal very quickly so you can relocate her—because no way is she going back to sleep. But you’re delusional if you think this is going to be easy. After all, you’re half-asleep and she’s wide awake, not to mention possessed of lightning-fast reflexes. If that first attempt at a bear-hug fails, you won’t get a second one. And let’s face it, your chances of catching her the first time are minimal to begin with. She’s going to squirt out of your arms in a flash, like you stomped on an uncapped tube of toothpaste, and then she’s leaping from the bed and off and running.

Sure, at this point you could do nothing and just try to go back to sleep … but this is nonsense. You know she’ll be back, poking and prodding you, jumping on your stomach, and running all around the bed. There’s nothing to be done but to run after her—and good luck with that. As you chase her around the house, you’re stumbling and bumping into things, but she’s not—cats have six times better night vision than humans, and at a full sprint can reach 30 mph.

Ideally, you could chase her into another room and then leave, closing the door behind you … but how many cats would fall for that? They’re crafty little beasts—and if you’re devoted to the practice of co-sleeping, you’ve inadvertently left them all kinds of escape routes. The conventional wisdom says that if you simply feed your furry feline, she’ll be satisfied and will come back to bed. This is kind of true, in the sense that she will come back—but she’s not coming back to sleep. She’s bored. She wants to play. Cats never sleep through the night—hence the term “catnap.” Your night is ruined, unless wiggling a piece of yarn for five minutes while your cat gets ready to attack it sounds like fun. Congratulations: you’ve just learned the hard way why so many warn against co-sleeping.

A way forward?

“Okay,” you might be saying, “If co-sleeping is so fraught, do you have a better idea?!” Or maybe you’re saying, “Isn’t this the epitome of a ‘first-world problem’?” Or you’re wondering, “What is this blog and how did I get here?” Well, I’ll concede that decrying one bedtime formula without suggesting another isn’t very helpful. So I’ll do my best.

Note that the longer you’ve been co-sleeping, the harder this is going to be. I’m not saying your cat will have developed a “crutch” or anything, in terms of needing to co-sleep, because it’s established fact that cats barely need humans at all, other than as providers of food and shelter. But they do develop habits, which can make it difficult to end the co-sleeping cycle. When one night your cat finds your bedroom door closed, she’ll just sit there and meow. Don’t bother trying to outlast her—a cat cannot be Ferberized. Cats have evolved to be almost infinitely patient, because patience is useful when ambushing prey. Of course they don’t sound patient, the way they meow almost continuously—but rest assured, they can go on forever. You might as well try to outlast a dripping faucet.

But habits can be changed. Chances are, there’s a way to strand your little kitty in a part of the house where her cries can’t be heard from the bedroom. I know this sounds cruel, but bear in mind this animal would happily eat your eyeballs if you died in your home and could no longer feed her. It’s a dog-eat-dog world. (Okay, perhaps not the best metaphor.)

To be clear, sequestering your cat is probably less Machiavellian than Ferberizing a human, because unlike a human baby whose need for you is existential, and whose developing brain cannot reconcile this sense of abandonment, cats are very straightforward thinkers. For them, this is simply operant conditioning. If meowing at the kitchen door doesn’t produce results, they will eventually shrug it off, like if their cat door stopping swinging one day. It’s no more troublesome to them than it would be for you if the guest WiFi password stopped working at your favorite café, and the barista told you guest WiFi was only available on weekdays. (And good on her, frankly … but I digress.)

But what about your needs as a pet owner (or to be more “woke” about it, as the human guardian of a companion animal)? Honestly, this snuggle time probably means more to you than to your cat. Cats are loners, after all, which is why you can leave them home alone all day without them howling miserably throughout your absence like an abandoned pack animal (e.g., dog).

The solution, I think, is to get lap time with kitty during the day, perhaps after dinner (by which I mean her dinner), when you’re reading a book or watching a video. To many guardians, this seems like a recipe for rejection: here you are, reclined in your La-Z-Boy, blanket across your lap, book in your hand, clearly not going anywhere, but the cat simply doesn’t show up. Happily, this is easy to solve: just turn down your thermostat. You might be wearing the coziest cashmere sweater in the world, but if there’s deliciously warm air gushing out of a heater vent, the cat’s going to choose that every time. Get yourself a warmer throw blanket (I have a down-filled one), nix the central heat, and you should be in business.

This way, when it’s your bedtime, it’s hers too. Figure out a nice place for her to sleep—the crook of an armchair, a gap between throw pillows on a sofa, sometimes even a cardboard box, if that’s where your little darling likes to sleep—and put her there before you retire. It’s possible she will start to appreciate the ritual and won’t even jump up and try to race you to the door as you leave.

Caveat: ssshhhhh!

Whatever approach you take to co-sleeping, I highly recommend you not talk about it with anybody. And why not? Because if your interlocutor agrees with you, that’s bound to be a pretty boring conversation. And if he doesn’t—well, then you’ve got a pointless argument on your hands and all you’ll do is lose face. This is too emotionally charged an issue to discuss rationally … you might as well talk about politics or religion. This other person’s good night’s sleep is not your problem.

(Am I a hypocrite, then? No. This blog post being a one-way broadcast, I am not putting you on the spot here. Sleep with your cat, or don’t … I don’t need to hear about it. If you found this post useful, great. If you disagree with me, just close your browser, and accept my apologies for wasting your time. And if you don’t even have a cat … well, then, why are you here?!)

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Ask a Morning Person

Dear Morning Person,

This early rising habit … is it so you can watch the sun rise? 

Justin D, San Francisco, CA

Dear Justin,

That’s a nice idea, but honestly, I can’t say that I do. It would be pretty hard to swing that, as the timing is a moving target and I need to keep my routine, well … routine. But once in a while I do luck out, such as this morning. (I wish I’d reached Inspiration Point just a couple minutes sooner, actually…)

Dear Morning Person,

My wife says I could become a morning person if I just “applied myself.” I say morning people are born, not made. What’s your take?

Brandon D, Portsmouth, NH

Dear Brandon,

Did you know that the average morning person’s hematocrit is more than 10% higher, her lactate threshold more than 5% higher, her IQ at least a dozen points higher, and her eyelids 15% thinner than those of a non-morning-person? No, of course that’s not true. Look, there’s no special talent for getting up early. Your wife is right … it’s possible some people take to rising early more easily than others, but anybody can do it.

Dear Morning Person,

Are you a caffeine addict or are you lying?

Alexa A, Isla Vista, CA

Dear Alexa,

That’s kind of a loaded question. First off, “addiction,” as the term is most commonly used, implies that the psychological or physical dependency is on something that produces adverse consequences. Being aware and alert, of course, is a good thing. Meanwhile, if I go without coffee I do miss it, in the sense of not having something I enjoy, but I don’t get a headache or anything. Where caffeine gets a bad rap, I think, is when people use it in place of sleep, in which case they build up a tolerance to it and need increasingly high doses, like you see with classic drug addiction. Myself, I have a big mug of coffee first thing in the morning and another in the early afternoon and that’s about it.

(Of course, I could be lying … whether to you, to myself, or both. And it must be said, coffee is, so often, the lynchpin of a morning person’s routine.)

Dear Morning Person,

Are all morning people as insufferably self-satisfied and annoying as you are?

Peter S, Golden, CO

Dear Peter,

No, I’m particularly bad. That being said, we morning persons probably just seem annoying to thin-skinned late-risers with chips on their shoulders. Like yourself, apparently.

Dear Morning Person,

I am fascinated by the very idea that anybody willingly gets up early on a regular basis. Is this like some pissing contest among you freaks? Do you, like, get together at Morning Person conventions and brag, share tips, etc.? And what’s the most extreme case of morning-person-ism you’ve encountered?

Tasha M, Port Townsend, WA

Dear Tasha,

If there’s a National Association of Morning Persons, I’m not aware of it. Look, we’re not like superheroes or anything and there’s no accreditation involved. Some people get up early on a regular basis, that’s all. As for as the most extreme case, my family did a house-swap with some Glaswegians some years back, and the window blind in the master bedroom was obviously brand new and installed for our benefit. The first time I tried to use it I pulled the whole thing down, because the anchor screws were only like half an inch long. I didn’t get around to buying proper molly bolts and reinstalling the blind until the end of our stay, meaning we were awake with the sun every morning for two weeks. That was brutal: Glasgow is so far north, civil twilight started at like 4:00 a.m. The fact that this family didn’t see the need for blinds or curtains demonstrates their commitment to early rising. (For the record, yes—both the husband and wife are total world-beaters.)

Dear Morning Person,

In a previous column, addressing the ubiquitous soul-crushing torpor suffered by many morning persons, especially us middle-aged ones, you called out caffeine as the single greatest coping mechanism available. That’s all well and good for you, but I can’t have coffee—my wife won’t let me. She says it’s “bad for you.” Any advice for me?

Clark H, Asheville, NC

Dear Clark,

It really sounds to me like your wife could be an honest-to-God sociopath. No scientific study has ever proven that coffee is a risk factor for any disease. In fact, efforts to link coffee with health problems invariably end up showing that it actually decreases the risk. As documented in this article by the Harvard School of Public Health, coffee consumption has been shown to lower the risk of cancer, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, depression, Parkinson’s disease, gallstones, and early death. (The only established health “risks” associated with coffee are insomnia and jitteriness, which are easy to avoid if you’re not an idiot.) Assuming you’ve already tried to reason with your wife and gotten nowhere, you should seriously consider leaving her. She sounds crazier than a pet raccoon and possibly evil.

Dear Morning Person,

I made a new year’s resolution to exercise in the mornings before work two to three days a week, and so far I am just not sticking to it. I’m sure you get this question a lot, but do you have any advice for people like me?

Whitney P, Casper, WY

Hi Whitney,

First off, I’m really impressed that you’re still working on your resolution this far into the year. Now, as far as tips and tricks, I’ll give you my three favorites.

1. Don’t try to wake up early only on those days you want to work out, and then sleep in on the other days, as you’ll be stuck between two habits and nothing will feel normal. If this workout routine is really important to you, try waking up early every morning, or at least most mornings. On the non-exercise days you could read a book, do some housekeeping, snuggle with your cat or dog, or start accepting more 8:00 a.m. EST (i.e., 6 a.m. your time) meeting invitations.
2. Set out all  your workout gear the night before, in a prominent place, so that if you wimp out and go back to sleep after your alarm, you’ll feel like a jackass later when you have to put away your stuff unused.
3. Ideally, find likeminded athletic morning persons to work out with. Standing them up would be embarrassing, and if they’re good friends they’d shame you mercilessly. I have three friends who regularly force me out of bed early on the weekends for “dawn patrol” bike rides, and this keeps me in the early bird habit for my solo weekday rides.

Dear Morning Person,

My husband really likes to unwind by curling up on the couch with me to watch a movie before bed. I enjoy this too, but by the time we’re done with dinner and the dishes, it’s usually at least 9pm and—being a morning person—I want to start getting ready for bed. I don’t want to be antisocial but I need my sleep. Any pointers here?

Angel L, Waco, TX

Dear Angel,

Ah, that’s a tricky divide … you sure don’t want your useful habit to mess up your marriage. I deal with this a bit myself. I have two suggestions. First, instead of a full-length feature film, you might try a comedy show (there seem to be an infinite number of them) that runs under half an hour. (When your husband begs you to watch a second one, relent.) Or, you could kill two birds with one stone and sleep while “watching” the movie. Good cinematic choices for this second option include Andrei Rublev, Last Year at Marienbad, Melancholia, 2001 – A Space Odyssey, and Remains of the Day.

Dear Morning Person,

Is it possible for a teenager to be a morning person? My kids are never out of bed before 9 or 10 during the summer and they’d probably sleep until noon if I let them. My friends say their teenagers are just the same and this is perfectly normal. In fact, a few years ago our school district pushed out the start of the school day by an hour based on recent studies about fundamental differences in teenagers’ circadian rhythms. So it seems impossible for them to do what you do, i.e. rise before dawn.

Charles D, Ross, CA

Dear Charles,

That’s all nonsense, and another sign that our youngsters are being needlessly coddled by well-meaning but maladroit parents. Haven’t you ever read Farmer Boy? Myself, I had a paper route as a kid and got up at quarter to six every morning to earn less than two dollars. Not only was it doable, but it was a hell of a lot easier then than it is for me now. These modern kids have really had their way with our modern parenting cohort, convincing us that permissiveness is good parenting. Don’t get me wrong, my own daughters sleep in late too, but I don’t kid myself that this is Mother Nature’s intent.

Dear Morning Person,

Be honest … don’t you look down your nose a bit at us non-morning-people, who waste the best part of the day sleeping?

Elisa B, Berkeley, CA

Dear Elisa,

If I were to look down on people with different habits, I’d have to first establish that they’re accomplishing less than I am, which is a pretty absurd assertion. So if non-morning-people are able to get everything done and still get to sleep in, I actually envy them!

It’s also a bit tricky to call these early morning hours “the best part of the day.” When I do my bike rides just before dawn, it’s cool and foggy whereas I’d much rather ride in the warm sun. That said, some aspects of my routine have kind of grown on me. For one thing, before I head out I’ll often get a few minutes of quality time with my cat, who is normally too twitchy to spend much time in my lap. Also, the regulars I see along my cycling route are amusing. There’s this one baby-faced guy in a neon green safety vest I always encounter along Wildcat Canyon Road, walking along the other side of the road toward me, and although I’ve greeted him with a slight chin nod and a quiet “Mornin’” many hundreds of times, he refuses to acknowledge my existence … he just continues on his way, wearing a contented Mona Lisa smile. There’s also the incredibly old woman, all bent over with a cane, I see walking, also on Wildcat, practically every time I ride. She’s gotta be in her nineties, making her way along the edge of the road. And then there are the middle-aged twins on their road bikes, grinding along slowly, never together, usually one a couple minutes behind the other, both looking grim and resolute, and never returning my greeting. I’ve seen these two along my route for more than twenty years and they’ve never been together. The closest I’ve seen was just last week, when they were neck and neck but one was riding all the way over on the wrong side of the road, as if refusing to be anywhere near her sister.

I find these people charmingly bizarre and bizarrely charming. But I can’t look down at my nose at you for missing this because it’s pure blind luck that I have these people in my lives … I could not have engineered this situation, and for all I know the late morning or early afternoon randos are even more uplifting.

Dear Morning Person,

Will you always be a morning person?

Morgan B, New York, NY

Dear Morgan,

No. As soon as I reach retirement, I’m gonna start sleeping in!

A Morning Person is a syndicated journalist whose advice column, “Ask a Morning Person,” appears in over 0 blogs worldwide.

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