Thursday, December 18, 2025

2025 Last-Minute Online Holiday Gift Guide!

Introduction

OMG, it’s that time of year again when you get terrible holiday music in malls and restaurants, including one of my least favorites, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” The tune isn’t so bad, but the lyrics are totally misleading. This is actually the worst time of year: it’s cold, it’s dark, and—worst of all—everyone will be expecting gifts soon.

Well, I can help you with that last bit: it’s not too late to order a bunch of stuff online. All the items reviewed in this post can still be shipped directly to your loved one by Christmas, because let’s face it, if you find yourself here it’s because you’ve let it go too long and now you’re desperate. At least you’ll know what to buy, as I’ve narrowed it down to eleven options based on the tastes, proclivities, vices, and/or weaknesses of everyone on your list.

I would like to point out that I have not received any free products or other remuneration for showcasing these products. Also, I haven’t seen, tried, tasted, or tested them. Caveat emptor! (Translation: empty calories, may cause cavities.)

Adult pacifier - $120

Let’s face it, we’re living in tough times. Unemployment is up, AI threatens to steal our jobs, political divisions are starker than ever, and our phones have us addicted to doomscrolling. Who wouldn’t want to regress into some of the most primitive self-soothing behaviors available? It’s not always feasible to curl up in the fetal position, but pacifiers are as handy as ever. The only trouble is, you’d look like a freak. Well, won’t your stressed-out and anxious loved one be thrilled you found this clever workaround, the so-called “LED Lip Therapy Device.”


Yes, of course it’s just a pacifier disguising itself as some kind of medical product, as if a pair of human lips ever needed anything but Carmex (or, for the manly man, Rugged & Dapper Lip Balm). Whisper in the lucky recipient’s ear, “I know your lips are fine. But let this thing soothe you. I use one too.” (It’s okay to lie like this. It’s the holidays.)

Weighted eye pillow - $32

You probably know someone who likes a quick nap but has an unsupportive family. The wife is trying to get a little break and her husband is acting like there’s something wrong with that, passive-aggressively rummaging noisily around the bedroom pretending to look for something, and asking if she knows where it is. Children are even worse, running in and making demands, whining, fighting with their siblings, etc. This is where the weighted eye pillow comes in. It’s weird looking, it’s oddly heavy, it gets warmed in the microwave, and it even off-gases the New Age-y aroma of essential oils (sold separately). Add it all up and you’ve turned Mom’s naptime into a complex ritual that is just a little bit spooky.


Family members probably won’t challenge the bona fides of this pillow as an important element of a therapeutic eastern medicine practice. Likely as not they’ll just clear the hell out—finally!

Brass horseshoe tray - $90

The problem with most gifts is that they’re too obvious. This year the most popular gifts are a) notepads to write passwords in, usually with clever titles embossed on them like “WTF are my passwords?”; b) various hats, t-shirts, aprons, etc. for men that say “THAT’S WHAT I DO – I FIX STUFF AND I KNOW THINGS”; and c) handheld massage guns. Don’t be predictable and/or give the gift your loved one already got—do something original! This gift totally fits that bill, even if it requires some explaining.


It’s not clear what you would put on this brass horseshoe tray since it’s only 3.5 inches long. You could think of it as an ashtray but nobody smokes cigarettes anymore, and the description clearly says its “design and detail … remains untouched by your ash.” (Could it be referring to cremains?) Whatever this thing is, the manufacturer is quick to point out that it “honors freedom and bravery,” is “a dark horse in your home,” and “doubles as a paperweight.” Never mind the mystery around its primary purpose; the lucky recipient is sure to say, “Where has this been all my life?”

Artistic Barbie - $160

It’s the classic Christmas dilemma: your young daughter has asked for a Barbie doll and in fact it’s all she wants, but you live in a progressive community that shuns this iconic American toy for instilling unrealistic body image standards. Despite your (and my) best efforts, nobody seems to want to lighten up, thus Barbie has become the forbidden toy. Well, this Barbie x MoMA Vincent van Gogh The Starry Night Collectible Doll is your ticket to Christmas gift bliss!


Your daughter will enjoy this as simply an extra-beautiful Barbie (and is sure to have its amazing Starry Night gown removed within thirty seconds, per usual). So: mission accomplished. And when your judgmental friends call you on the carpet, you can say, “Oh, did you not recognize that this is an objet d’art from MoMA, inspired by van Gogh?” Suh-LAM! Take that, uppity (and yet philistine) haters!

Pasta water candle - $70

There’s nothing quite like the starchy aroma of pasta boiling on the stove … and yet for so many anti-carb health-conscious types, even the smell can seem like a guilty pleasure. Meanwhile, you can’t exactly give a pasta dinner as a Christmas gift because—even if the pasta is handmade—such a gesture is too inexpensive and easy. But now you can give the same olfactory pleasure in a sophisticated and calorie-free gift!


Look, this special candle doesn’t merely have a pasta-water scent. It has a pasta-water scent profile. The top notes are listed as “saline water,” with heart notes of “Semolina wheat” and base notes of “Chef’s secret.” Best of all, it’s never tested on animals. Gift candles just don’t get any better than this.

Cigar travel case - $23

If the man in your life purports to love a good cigar, he’s surely immersed himself in the culture of it: the fancy cigar box, the Cuban provenance with its concomitant expense, the little clipper to snip the end off, and all the bloviating that goes with this supremely disgusting and offensive affectation of wealth and sophistication. It might seem that encouraging this jerk is the last thing you’d want to do—and yet, it’s the holidays and you want to please him. Well, here is the perfect gift: the cigar travel and accessory case.


It has two cutters, a cigar punch (who knew?), humidifier packs, and even a removable tray. And the best part? It encourages your man to travel! That is, to take his stinky cigars and hit the road, taking the awful stench and pompous blather with him! Good riddance!

Wagyu beef tallow - $33

I don’t need to tell you that this holiday season has officially kicked off the Tallow Wars. Everywhere you look, another tallow is being hawked in this or that gift guide. You’ve got your Manuka Honey Tallow, your Bison Tallow,  your Dead Sea Magnesium & Tallow Balm, and even your Everything Tallow Bundle. It’s a no-brainer that you need to be giving tallow this Christmas, but what if you give the wrong one? What if your loved one already got tallow, and the stuff you gave is inferior? Well guess what: that’s not gonna happen. Because you’ve found the best:


Yeah. Wagyu, no shit. This tallow is Grade A5, the pinnacle of carefully sourced, meticulously produced, proudly pedigreed quality beef. You’re not gonna see marbling like this in some ratty bison tallow. It’s the crème de la crème, baby!

(So what is tallow even for? God, I don’t know. Maybe you cook with it, or make soap, or rub it into your belt and wallet, or maybe into your skin. Its actual purpose is kind of beside the point—this is a gift, after all, and luxury is all you’re after.)

Wine puzzle - $22

One of the paradoxes of middle age is that we’ve now achieved the means to enjoy fine wine, just in time to realize we may be enjoying too much of it, too often. As the famous Harvard Grant Study has shown, a slide into alcohol abuse as we age is a major risk factor for mental health problems. Thus, we’d like to give the gift of encouraging temperance, but speaking up like this is so awkward. Enter the wine puzzle box.


This brilliant gift is a way to celebrate and support the enjoyment of fine wine, while actually slowing down the recipient in a non-judgmental way. Reviewers describe the puzzle as quite challenging, even when the wine drinker cheats and reads the instructions (which you could slyly remove before gift-wrapping it if things have gotten bad). Even when the recipient has memorized the puzzle’s solution sequence, there’s the matter of motor skills to deal with. Pick one up of these up for yourself while you’re at it, if you find it’s getting hard to keep track of how many glasses you pour yourself each night.

Ramen spork - $29

Times are tight for so many of us. Eating out has become astronomically expensive, but who has time to cook? Meanwhile, grocery prices have skyrocketed as well. So I’m not afraid to admit it: I’ve started eating Top Ramen again—something I hadn’t had to resort to since college. Chances are your loved ones are doing the same. So is the solution a gift certificate at Marufuku Ramen in Oakland? No, for three reasons: 1) They don’t even offer gift certificates; 2) Not everyone lives near Oakland, duh; and 3) Who wants to enjoy such an amazing meal when it’ll just highlight how inferior Top Ramen is, making you feel worse about your day-to-day life? The real solution, my friend, is this high-end, precision-crafted spork.


When you think about it, the only problem conventional sporks ever had is their disposable plastic construction. When you twirl your ramen noodles with the tips of this stainless-steel, Japanese-made spork, and then gently dip it into the bowl to lift both noodles and broth to your mouth in the same bite, you’ll feel like a true epicure … even if it’s a $0.50 meal. And so will the lucky recipient of this thoughtful gift.

Digital soul-activating talisman - $50

So many of your friends are into yoga, meditation, and spiritual wellness … am I right? You’ve surely also got friends who make their living in tech, drool at the phrase “data-driven,” and love them some digital gadgets. Still others in your cohort straddle both worlds, developing killer apps by day and then getting all holistic, fit, and spiritually centered in their spare time. Am I on to something here? But wait, there’s more … chances are good some of the yoga-types experience serious FOMO about the tech world, while their tech-savvy counterparts are getting burned out on all things digital. Where you might only see chaos and conflict, I see: opportunity. It’s time you learned about the digital wellness soul-activating talisman ... which is also, believe it or not, an antenna.


This thing is amazing. For one thing, it restores your emotional balance during times of stress: “The precision-tuned copper geometry creates a subtle harmonising field that helps maintain your center even in chaotic environments.” But beyond that, it gives you a way to measure, calibrate, and boast about your consciousness improvement journey, as it “pairs with free tracking app to establish your energetic baseline and monitor improvements over time.” At last, a bridge between the world of tech and the exalted spiritual life! Give your loved one the gift that says, “You can have it both ways!”

Tiffany collar charm - $175

If you’re not familiar with the “Return to Tiffany” program, prepare to be impressed. Launched in 1966, this program saves your bacon in the event you lose your keys, so long as you have a Tiffany keychain embossed with a unique registration number. If someone finds your keys and notices the “Return to Tiffany” engraving, he’ll simply drop the keys off at the flagship Tiffany & Co. store in New York City, and then Tiffany will use the registration number to contact you and reunite you with your keys. It’s a brilliant concept, now extended to—believe it or not—your pet! Check out the exclusive Return to Tiffany™ pet collar charm:


Gone are the days of printing “LOST PET” flyers and plastering them to lamp poles. Now you can just sit back and wait for Tiffany to contact you. Of course there’s no guarantee the finder of your lost pet will take the trouble to ship the animal to New York, or that he’ll remember to punch air holes in the box, but if you believe in Christmas miracles like I do, you’ll rest easy. Tell your kids, “Don’t worry, Tiffany will return Rover to us any day now. And if they don’t, it means Rover found a nice farm in upstate New York and is happier than ever.”

Something for the blogger?

With all this talk of gifts, I’ll bet you’re already thinking about what to get me, the tireless blogger who has toiled all year to amuse and enlighten you. I was about to suggest something—to be precise, a Butler gum stimulator—but then I realized, what if all my readers bought this for me? I’d be swimming in stimulators! So really, all I want is the same thing Meta and Alphabet and X want: your attention. Give that to me … maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon—and for the rest of your life.

Other albertnet holiday posts

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