albertnet Pledge Drive!

Introduction

Wait, don’t leave! I know there’s almost nothing more annoying than a pledge drive, and when I was a kid and some damn telethon came in the TV, my brothers and I would almost injure ourselves diving for the channel-changer knob. But this is different! For one thing, you weren’t about to passively enjoy a bland visual spectacle on this page anyway. Also, albertnet needs you and time is running out! (Okay, it’s not—it never is—but still.)

I’ve been doing this blog for over seventeen years and I’ve barely asked readers for anything. So it’s time for you to step up. Don’t worry, I don’t want your money (not that I’d turn it down). Instead of asking for money, I’m asking for other pledges. Consider the words of Don Corleone: “Someday, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.” Okay, so neither of my daughters is getting married, but I’m tired of waiting around. So I’m calling on you to make a pledge to me: maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon—and for the rest of your life. (My pledge to you: that will be the last cinematic reference of this post.)

Why support albertnet?

How much do you pay for the cable TV that mainly shows you stuff like depressing documentaries of hoarders, or grisly footage of women’s cage fighting where at some point they’re too tired to continue jumping around and throwing punches or kicks and they’re just sprawled on the mat, one woman grinding the other’s face into it, and you feel terrible watching but can’t take your eyes off of it? And how much do you pay for carry-out  coffee that is so boiling hot it scalds the roof of your mouth so you don’t enjoy your next overpriced restaurant meal? If you could work off the credit card debt that these indulgences create, just by adjusting certain lifestyle behaviors, wouldn’t you do it? And wouldn’t those adjustments be even better served supporting a blog that has educated and entertained you for seventeen years without making you feel bad about society and yourself?

Where else but albertnet are you going to get the definitive spelling of “kindergart[e]ner,” with a deep investigation of who spells it how, and why? What other blog has done justice to thorny topics like bicycle inner tubes and Presta valve locknuts? Who else but I would deliver a biting critique of our national anthem? And if you’re contemplating a vasectomy, what other blog could possibly answer your every question, and in such vivid detail?

Sure, you probably think of albertnet as an infinitely renewable resource—but like all renewable resources, it takes wise use and careful stewardship to keep it flowing. Maybe you think that once was enough, that time you anonymously commented, “If somebody wants expert take on the main topic of blogging next I advise him/her to go to this site, continue the fussy job. car locksmith Dallas.” Or maybe you can’t even remember the last time you supported albertnet. Well, if you can’t remember, it’s probably been never. Think about that, and not just from a semantic viewpoint.

Now, before you make some BS excuse for yourself and close this page, hold up a second because you’re probably deploying one of the classic fallacies people conveniently maintain about pledging:

1. I can’t remember the URL
2. Our taxes pay for albertnet, don’t they?
3. Someone else will do it
4. I can’t afford to make a pledge
5. Blogs are free, aren’t they?

Let me briefly refute each of these in turn. My own dad couldn’t remember the URL to this blog, and when a friend asked him for it, he said he hadn’t bothered to bookmark it because my posts are too long and he didn’t have time to read them. Well, you know what? He’s dead now. Is that what you want? Look, you’re here. You got here. Nice try. Moving on to the second excuse, I don’t get any funding from the federal government, and in fact, thanks to that tax-and-spend liberal we’ve got in the White House, I usually owe every April. As for excuse #3, “someone else will do it,” you know in your heart that’s not true—nobody supports albertnet and most of the time nobody even reads it. Almost the only praise I ever got was for a race report I ghost-wrote for a teammate; thinking this teammate had written it, two members called it the “best race report of all time.” When they discovered I was the actual writer, the praise ended instantly. Moving on to “I can’t afford it,” I’m not asking for money. And this last excuse, “blogs are free, aren’t they?” is patently false—I have to pay for my domain names, and then there’s the blood, sweat, and tears that go into every post. (Yes, I am literally bleeding and crying right now, and probably have BO.)

Now that you’ve moved past this foolish knee-jerk reaction and want to help, I’ll tell you how—and more importantly, I’ll explain what’s in it for you.

Membership tiers

Look, making a pledge is really its own reward, and you’ll feel different after you pledge—better involved, and more important, not like a bystander anymore but like an owner. Still, we could all use a leg up socially … I get that. Therefore, I am hereby establishing albertnet membership tiers to richly reward your engagement. Consider which of these you’re in a position to achieve.

Friend – This is the entry level. And this isn’t “friend” as in “Facebook friend”—I’m not going to abuse your privacy, spam you, or get into that ridiculous quid pro quo of liking your post so you have to like mine back. I’m talking about real friendship. I will take a bullet for you—not a real one, but a metaphorical one, or maybe even one of those rubber bullets if you find yourself in the mêlée of a peace rally gone sour. If you reach this tier, I will mention you at the bottom of this post in the special Honor Roll section. (Terms and conditions apply. Void where prohibited.)

Supporter – This is a little more serious, like a 5-series BMW instead of the tacky entry-level 3-series. You’ll begin to establish yourself as a person who can be counted on, not just a dabbler. Members of this tier will be listed in the Supporter section of the Honor Roll, which will be reachable via a hyperlink I’ll put at the bottom of every albertnet post for the next year!

Patron – This will cement your public persona as a person who has a little weight to throw around, but not in a bodily way or anything—I’m talking gravitas. Given the rich heritage of albertnet as a premier journal of professional cycling, you’ll also gain status through the widespread connotation of the term “patron” in the pro peloton. Patrons of albertnet will be listed in Honor Roll and get to include a profile picture (which can be of themselves, their avatar, their pet, or their brand logo).

Cornerstone member – This is the kind of reader I can really count on, who lives and breathes albertnet’s coda and mantra every day with undiminished passion. And what is the coda? If you’re this kind of member, you already know. And the mantra? It’s “I … WILL … NOT … LOSE … EVER.” As a Cornerstone Member you will be featured in the Honor Roll with a short video selfie of yourself (embedded YouTube or GIF format, your choice!) delivering any non-political, non-profane, non-copyrighted message or interpretive dance you like.

Baller – This one speaks for itself as the very highest membership tier of this, or any, blog. In addition to getting an Honor Roll video, Ballers get their profile photo or logo featured on the albertnet masthead for three months! Whoa!

(Note: if you’re shy, but still want recognition, I can use your first name and last initial, or just your initials, or your nickname, or a pseudonym, or a code name … whatever you want!)

What you’ll pledge

Anonymous readers are encouraged to pledge self-directed behavioral changes for their own benefit and the warm, sanctimonious feeling of self improvement. While no profile attainment is involved, these are surefire ways to become a better person. But if you want to achieve one of the prestigious albertnet membership tiers with all the benefits that entails, read on to see what specific changes you can make, and how high you can get! Some  of these require only a simple pledge (emailed to me here) while others require specific action that you can report to me once completed.

Friend

• Delete your Meta account.
• Pledge to switch to drinking non-alcoholic beer at least some of the time.
• At the gym, don’t sit there on the machine looking at your phone between sets.
• Pledge to swear off microwave popcorn forever, since air poppers are cheap and work so well.
• Pledge to swear off aerosol whipped cream since a whisk does a great job whipping fresh cream.
• Pledge to throw away your Keurig machine.
• Pledge to consider the environmental impact when you use GenAI.
• Pledge to never purchase, accept, or otherwise trade in cryptocurrency.
• Pledge to switch from SMART goals to DUMB goals  as described in these pages.
• If you’re over fifty and haven’t had your first colonoscopy, do that immediately.
• Try writing a sonnet.
• If you have a child applying to colleges, read this post and help your child understand that all the paranoia about college acceptance rates, etc., is overblown.
• Switch from oil to a wax-based chain lube for your bike.
• If you’ve always held out for wild salmon, get over yourself and try out responsibly farmed salmon with guidance from this post.
• Pledge to be more compassionate with yourself.

Supporter

• Delete your Meta account with the parting message (i.e., reason for leaving), “Zuckerberg is an asshole and Meta can gargle my balls.” (This is the sign-off I used after deciding the utility of WhatsApp didn’t justify supporting this evil company.)
• Pledge to abide by my AI-themed new year’s resolutions described here.
• If you don’t have a library card, get one.
• Pledge to never pressure your offspring in any way to major in any STEM subject. Note: subtle hints count as pressure!
• Pledge to be completely evasive whenever somebody asks you what you do for a living. You can tell them, for example, “I’m a vegetarian,” and if they say, “I mean for work,” you can reply, “Yeah, I guess it’s a lotta work.” And so on.
• Pledge to drink your coffee black from now on, and with no sugar.
• Pledge to take better care of your teeth.
• Read the post Undeterred: A Critique of a Book About Life Without Free Will and, if you agree with that post, leave a comment below the post saying so.
• Try writing a Kroopian poem (i.e., in dactylic trimeter); you can check out this one for inspiration.
• Develop a Family Internet Use Policy and pledge to enforce it.
• Pledge to develop, configure, and use a “firewall for your mind” as described here.

Patron

• If you are a cyclist interested in helping kids, register with NICA, take the required training, and join a high school mountain bike team as an assistant coach.
• Next time you travel on vacation, take a train instead of flying.
• Switch from disposable razors to a proper old-school razor that takes double-edged blades.
• Visit the Velominati website listing “The Rules” and post a comment pointing out that most of these rules are silly (or however you decide to comment) and include this link: https://www.albertnet.us/2014/05/velominatis-rules-brilliance-or-bs.html

Cornerstone member

• If you struggle with smartphone addiction, switch to a basic flip phone (aka feature phone) such as this one or something similar, and get rid of your smartphone so you won’t go back.
• If your email inbox is currently and perennially a mess, achieve Inbox Zero and pledge to maintain it.

Baller

• Switch from the QWERTY keyboard layout to Dvorak. Click here for details.

The albertnet Honor Roll

Here’s where I list the Friends, Supporters, Patrons, Cornerstone Members, and Ballers! If you don’t see anything below, you got here too early. Get going on your pledge(s) and maybe you’ll be among the first listed!

Friends

Your name could be here!

Supporters

Who’ll be the first?

Patrons

Can you imagine your profile pic or logo here? Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Cornerstone Members

Who will reach this exalted teir?

Ballers

Will anybody survey the blogosphere from this magnificent summit?

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Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.