Showing posts with label wristwatch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wristwatch. Show all posts

Sunday, April 12, 2026

Biased Blow-By-Blow - 2026 Paris-Roubaix

Introduction

This race needs no introduction. But this blog post does, if you’re new to my blow-by-blow reporting, which is biased because I’m a blogger, not a killjoy journalist. My first bias: Tadej Pogacar (UAE Team Emirates XRG) wins too much and needs to not take victory here today. If he did, he would have won all the Monuments in a single season, which would make the sport look like a joke.


Biased Blow-By-Blow — Paris-Roubaix 2026

As I join the action, the riders have 65 kilometers and 13 cobblestoned sections to go. Phil Liggett is announcing and has offered up a brilliant insight: “Every rider has ridden to the level of their capacity because they all want to beat Tadej Pogacar.” Odd verb tense … meaning they have ridden that way so far, but no longer are? Have they given up? Should Phil?

Okay, before we get too far into the footage, here’s a little pop quiz for you: what do Pogacar, pre-race favorite Mathieu Van der Poel (Alpecin-Premier Tech), and the Russian-American writer Gary Shteyngart all have in common? I put this to my online correspondent, who is both a cycling and a Shteyngart fan, but he failed the quiz. The answer? They all rock expensive watches.


That’s a classic Shteyngart Instagram setup there: food, drink, fancy watch all prominently featured. Of course, Shteyngart isn’t as much of a baller as the racers. His most expensive watch, a Patek Philippe, is worth only about $100K. The Richard Mille on Van der Poel’s wrist above goes for over $400K, and Pogacar’s is surely right around that much. (Not that these riders have to pay for them. In fact, it’s probably an elaborate insurance scam.)

Okay, enough of that—back to the race. There is a group of nine off the front, which features Pogacar. They have just over thirty seconds on a small chase group that includes Van der Poel, who is doing most of the work.


Pilippo Ganna (Ineos Grenadiers) decides to be the exception that proves the rule.


No, your vision is not failing. These are really bad pictures. Peacock blocks screen grabs. I’m holding my phone camera as still as possible but I’ve had a lot of coffee.

Up ahead, Wout Van Aert (Team Visma-Lease a Bike) attacks!


Who is this jackass in the black shirt waving at the camera? How is the camera more interesting to him than the actual race? What’s he gonna say later? “Yeah, I was at the race, but somehow my back was turned when the racers went by. But hey, I was on TV!”

Only Pogacar is able to bridge up to Van Aert! The breakaway is suddenly in shambles!


“Everybody is giving a hundred and ten cents,” Phil says cryptically. After a pause to collect himself, he says, uncertainly, “Uh, percent.”

Van Aert continues to drill it! Pogacar is just holding his wheel!


Daaaaaamn, Van Aert is going so hard he’s gapped Pogacar!


Behind, the original breakaway has come back together, and I think they’ve merged with the VdP group, but the gap is 23 seconds. Ganna drops back to air out his armpits, one at a time.


No, actually, it appears he’s signaling a wheel change. He has a flat tire, bummer! With these modern through-axles a wheel change could take like 30 seconds, so he better hope they have a bike for him. Fun fact: it used to be that to signal a front flat, you would raise your left arm; for a rear flat, your right. That way the mechanic knew which wheel to bring. I guess these days it’s always a whole bike they bring, since Ganna has a rear flat but is holding up his left arm.

The gap is still hovering at around 25 seconds to the VdP group, despite all the crazy action at the front. I wish I knew how VdP missed the original break of nine. I gambled today that I could get up at a reasonable hour (quarter to six) and still catch the main action of the race. I lost.

Now Pogacar pulls through. I wonder why he’s not leaning farther forward, to be more aero, considering he’s in what could be the winning move in the biggest one-day race on the calendar. Maybe he’s just being nice, giving Van Aert the best draft possible?


It looks like Mads Pedersen [Lidl-Trek] is the only rider still ahead who was in that break. So here’s a question for you: if the peloton determined that this guy doped more than average, would they nickname him Meds Pedersen? Or would that endanger the omertà?

Laurence Pithie (Red Bull – BORA – Hansgrohe) crashes!


What a pithie. Er, pity. There’s never a good time to crash but I feel like the fate of the race is unfolding at this very moment.

“Pedersen is a wise old man,” Phil projects optimistically and pointlessly.

Gosh, the gap is up to 41 seconds. The chase group is fracturing a bit. It looks like Pithie never made it back on.

VdP has dirt on his chin. How? Or is that Oreo residue?


Amazingly, the gap is coming down. It’s 35 seconds. It’s so refreshing to see anybody closing in on Pogacar. I guess I should acknowledge that it’s not just Pogacar, it’s Pogacar and Van Aert. Technically this is a two-man breakaway, which is normally far more dangerous than a guy going solo, but honestly, let’s admit this is Pogacar doing his normal solo breakaway and Van Aert happens to be with him, like a fly that finds its way into your car and travels with you all the way to Pittsburgh. It’s not even remarkable that Van Aert isn’t doing his share of the work. Pogacar would never expect him to. Within the peloton, Pogacar has the same role I have around my house when it comes to jars. If there’s an unopened jar with too tight a lid, my wife simply hands it to me and I open it. I never say anything like, “Have you tried everything? Did you run hot water over it? Did you whack it with a knife, or use that floppy nubby rubber disc thingy we can never find? Why should I have to open this? How are you ever going to get better at this without trying? What if I went on a business trip and wasn’t here to do it?” That would be silly. Of course I just open the jar, because (having the hand strength of a former bike mechanic) I’m the logical person to do it, just like Pogacar is the obvious person to lead a breakaway the entire time. He’s just better at it. He’d never say to Van Aert (or anyone else), “Why don’t you help pull?” That would be silly. The obvious answer, “Because I’m not you,” doesn’t need to be said. It’s like for Pogacar to ever draft anybody would be an unfair advantage.

Take last weekend’s Tour of Flanders, for example. Pogacar and VdP were in a breakaway together, and VdP pulled only occasionally. During the post-race interview, VdP was asked if he’d been toying with Pogacar by not doing his fair share of the work. VdP looked perplexed and said, “I did my pulls. Not very many, but it wasn’t necessary. Tadej was just glad to get a little rest here and there.” (I admit I normally make shit up when transcribing rider interviews, but that bit I rendered as faithfully as memory allows.)

Whoa, VdP overcooks a curve and goes into the grass! What happened there?


It wasn’t a tight curve … maybe he just zoned out? (Yeah, of course I’m just playin’ with you. VdP’s focus is of course extreme.)

They’re recapping what’s happened so far. Pogacar has had two bike changes, and VdP at least one, and it was a disaster because he got a bike from a teammate but his cleats weren’t compatible with the pedals on it. That would never happen in amateur cycling because club racer types like me have encyclopedic knowledge of everybody’s equipment selections. (I once had some great mischievous fun debating Speedplay vs. Look with a pal over email. I actually don’t have any strong feelings about pedals whatsoever, I was just baiting the guy, and it was great, he got really worked up.)

The gap is back up to 43 seconds and man, it’s looking like a two-man race. On this fairly flat course, I can’t imagine Pogacar riding a baller like Van Aert off his wheel, but he also shouldn’t be able to beat him in a sprint. I wonder if Pogacar remembers how to attack in a one-day race. Typically he doesn’t need to, he just goes so hard everyone gets sawed off, one by one, even VdP last week. That’s not going to work today, not without a hard climb to play with.

Ah, I have a text from my online correspondent! Probably some scintillating insight on this race! The text reads, “So how did they start calling it Botswain? Ball sweat is a better name.” So he’s continuing our conversation from last night, when I Beck’sted him a photo of my Trader Joe’s house brand IPA.


So much for illuminating commentary … my correspondent joined the action even later than I did.

Van Aert goes to the front and immediately the gap starts shrinking. This is what happens when somebody besides Pogacar pulls. It’s crazy that Pogacar’s dominance is so extreme, and what that’s doing to the sport. No longer is it man vs. man; it’s really peloton vs. Pogacar.


As if to prove my point about Van Aert’s insufficient speed, Pogacar impatiently takes the lead again and the gap goes back out to 43 seconds.

Back in the chase group, VdP is getting some cooperation from the others but it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to help. They won’t be going fast enough on the front, since he’s as physically superior to them as Pogacar is to Van Aert, and yet he can’t do the whole chase alone.

Even though I pay actual money for Peacock Premium or whatever it’s called, I still have to sit through commercials. They’re showing an ad for Disneyland. Which is really absurd.  I mean, who would get up this early on a Sunday morning to watch Paris-Roubaix other than a middle-aged man? And what middle-aged man would want to go to Disneyland, ever? The Walt Disney Company should only advertise during children’s programming, to get the children begging their parents to go. Fun fact: my wife and I never took our kids to Disneyland. We flat refused. And yet as far as I know, these kids aren’t even in therapy.


The man in the photo above is not a father, I hasten to point out. He’s a grandfather, more than happy to take his granddaughter to Disneyland. He’s about to ask her, “Will this be your first time trying LSD?”

Amazingly, the gap is now coming down! VdP is riding like a beast because with only 18 kilometers to go, he must know time is running out. “This is the cord in the elastic,” Phil says. I’ve never heard this metaphor extended in that way, and I’m not sure I understand it. I mean, some garments (e.g., pajama bottoms, Sansabelt trousers like Phil wears) have an elastic waistband, and others have a drawstring (aka cord), but does any garment feature both? I think not.

The gap is down to 28 seconds! Pogacar looks back at Van Aert as if to say, “Can you help me with this jar?” Van Aert doesn’t need to say anything. His face says it all.


The gap is down to 18 seconds and now Pogacar drills it a lot harder on the front. He was probably loafing until now. The gap quickly goes back out to 23 seconds.

I’ve been wondering how VdP missed that nine-man breakaway and my online correspondent texts, “Reading thru the cyclingnews feed, it looks like VdP needed a bike change which put him 1:30 down and then he flatted a bit later and was as much as 2:00 down until he got going again.” Man, terrible luck.

With only 12 kilometers left, the gap is up to 28 seconds. Almost all the footage now is of the leading duo because everything behind them has become irrelevant.


Van Aert is pulling surprisingly often. Perhaps he’s figuring if it somehow ends up in a sprint and he wins, he doesn’t want anyone accusing him of being a wheel-sucker. Or who knows, maybe he’s actually got better legs!

They’re heading to the penultimate cobbled sector, and if memory serves, the last sector is a joke. So this may be where the final move is made. It’s a three-star section, with one Yelp reviewer complaining, “Good latté but the guy said the coffee cake was baked that day but it was totally stale.”

Van Aert must be feeling pretty good to still be taking pulls when it’s clearly unnecessary. In the chase group VdP isn’t even leading that much. He’s racing for third at this point.


Van Aert takes a long pull, oddly long, without Pogacar coming through, like he’s starting to play games. Van Aert flicks his elbow. Pogacar finally pulls through.

It happens again: Pogacar leaves Van Aert on the front instead of pulling through. Again Van Aert flicks his elbow. This is how I feel when my wife asks me to take over at the stove halfway through her dinner prep. I’m like, how do I know when the corn-on-the-cob is done? I can’t cook, I’m just the jar guy!

Tim Van Dijke (Red Bull – BORA – Hansgrohe) attacks the chase group! VdP chases him down.

The cobbles are basically done, and Pogacar hasn’t shed Van Aert. With 2.4 kilometers left, we might have a race here! I text my correspondent, “Needless to say, I would LOVE to see this come down to a sprint with Van Aert winning.” He replies, “Me too!”

Now, in the chase group, Jasper Stuyven (Soudal Quick Step) attacks! He immediately gets a huge gap!


Not much response from this so-called chase group. I suspect for its members it’s more like the “can this just be over already?” group.

And now the leaders are on the velodrome! Pogacar leads, perhaps unwisely.


Pogacar looks back as if to say, “Care to lead this out, Wout?”

They come past the finish line and the bell is ringing! One lap to go!

And now, just before the final curve, Van Aert makes his move!


He immediately pulls ahead, he’s freakin’ flying!


The gap widens!


They round the bend for the final stretch and Pogacar is still giving it everything, still in the hunt, now in the draft!


Van Aert is closing in on the line and it looks like he’s got it! He looks over his shoulder to make sure.


And he’s got the win! Unbelievable! Van Aert finally conquers Paris-Roubaix!


Jasper Stuyven (Soudal Quick-Step) rolls in for third … evidently the chasers never did catch him.


It’s a tough sprint for fourth! VdP is up against Christophe Laporte (Team Visma – Lease A Bike)!


With a bike throw, VdP takes the sprint!


Missing the podium probably doesn’t bother VdP that much compared to not winning his fourth Paris-Roubaix. It’s a rounding error. Good on him that he wasn’t too proud to sprint for fourth.

Here is the top ten:


Van Aert is mobbed by cameramen. Are there camerawomen around him as well? Possibly. I guess that’s not really the point.


Van Aert covers his face, surely feeling overwhelmed.


VdP comes over to congratulate him. Note the Euro-mullet.


Now Van Aert spots a friend or staffer, runs to him, and jumps into his arms.


Wow, that took some confidence. Van Aert judged that this guy would be able to catch him and hold him up. Imagine if the guy’s footing wasn’t good and he was just bowled over backwards, and if he were badly injured in the process. That would be an unpleasant footnote to this brilliant victory.

Van Aert finds his family and kneels down to engage with his small kids. Look at the cameraman in green, there on the right. What’s he pointing his camera at? A bird?


Van Aert high-fives his kid, who probably cannot remotely grasp the significance of this victory.


I’ve long been a big fan of Van Aert, based in part on a previous post-race family interaction. It was just after stage 15 of the 2022 Tour de France, and (as I described it here):

Right after the finish, cameramen milled around looking for the requisite heartwarming footage of riders in tears, hugging their teammates, managers, significant others, etc. They certainly got the desired response with Philipsen, but van Aert didn’t have much reaction at all. Instead, he tended to his little daughter, trying to wash her hands off with a water bottle. Sure, a minute earlier he’d been almost crashing into another rider at 40 mph, but now his fatherly duties took precedence over having some big melodramatic “moment” after all the action. Despite being one of the most prominent riders in the biggest bike race in the world, he evidently hasn’t forgotten that he’s just a guy. A dad. 

You can watch footage of that lovely family moment here.

Here’s Pogacar. He looks pensive, perhaps wondering, “How did I let that come down to a sprint? What was I thinking?”


Now Van Aert is being interviewed.

INTERVIEWER: So much emotion. What  does this mean for you?

WOUT: It means everything to me. I first did this race eight years ago, and ever since it’s been my goal. I was 18 and that year I lost a teammate, Michael Goolaerts [during the race, due to a cardiac arrest]. Ever since then it’s been my goal to come here and point my finger to the sky. This victory is for Michael, but especially for his family, for his wife Marianne, for Christophe, and all my friends and teammates from my previous team. It was a really tough day, and ever since that day, so many times I was so unlucky in this race, but it brought me also experience, so even today when luck was not on my side, I kept believing in it, and finally the reward is there.

INTERVIEWER: Everybody was talking about Tadej, about Van der Poel, but you, you never stopped believing.

W: I did stop believing, a lot of times, but the next day I always woke up and fought for it again, and honestly there’s no more beautiful way than going to the line with the world champion, and he gave me such a hard time, beating him in the sprint mano a mano is something really special for me.

INTERVIEWER: Take me through the final, what was going through your mind?

WOUT: When I saw the velodrome I was just sticking to my plan. In my dreams and in my preparation I pictured this sprint so many times, so I knew exactly what to do. The hardest part was getting to the velodrome I would say, there’d been so many attacks on the day, I was at the limit to stay on his wheel, and  yeah, it was all worth it.

INTERVIEWER: There were a lot of tough moments for you [this season], a lot of injuries, a lot of crashes, so to win here, this is a tidal win.

WOUT: Yeah, exactly, it’s such a chaotic race, everybody coming to the line has his own story and that’s what makes it so beautiful. It can be hard but on a day like this it’s the best race there is.


If you’ve read my race reports before, you might be scratching your head right now and thinking, “Weird, that interview transcript actually sounds plausible!” It is the case that normally I stray pretty far from verbatim on these, putting all kinds of words in people’s mouths to make the interview interesting. But this was such a huge win for Van Aert, and his actual words so heartfelt and meaningful, I think clowning around would have been inappropriate.

I just updated my wife on the race, telling her that the guy I’d hoped would win, but who I didn’t think had much of a chance, did win. “Who was that?” she asked, automatically, almost accidentally, in accordance with a habit she formed as a journalist twenty years ago. I told her, excitedly, “Wout van Aert!” She replied, “You say that like I would know who you’re even talking about, like I’ve ever heard of Woof Van Aert!” Woof. I love it. A new nickname is born!

And now (over two hours later, following the finish of the women’s race) the winners mount the podium. Pogacar gets his rock trophy for second place and looks thoughtful. Already thinking about next year, perhaps?


Van Aert hoists his trophy and is stoked! Look at the cheeky French dignitary photo-bombing the podium, eclipsing Stuyven.


The riders take their hats off for the Belgian national anthem. What is up with Pogacar’s goofy two-tone hair? It’s even worse on proper video vs. the crappy photo I was able to get.


And now Van Aert congratulates Franziska Koch (FDJ United - Suez), winner of today’s Paris-Roubaix Femmes, which finished just before the podium ceremony.


In case you’re wondering, Koch was in a three-up breakaway with two Visma - Lease A Bike riders, Marianne Vos and last year’s winner, Pauline Ferrand-Prévot, and managed to beat them in the sprint. But that’s a whole other story, a whole other race I wasn’t able to cover today.

Before I wrap up, I want to say one more thing: obviously I wasn’t rooting for Pogacar today, but I don’t hold anything against him other than being too dominant. And while it seems unrealistic for a stage racer to contest these spring classics, I have to honor Pogacar for trying. It’s a big risk to ride a dangerous course like Paris-Roubaix, and I like to see him putting panache before prudence.

But to summarize today’s race: GO WOOF!

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Thursday, February 8, 2024

From the Archives - Bits & Bobs Volume XII

Introduction

This is the twelfth installment in the “From the Archives – Bits & Bobs” series. Volume I is here, Volume II is here, Volume III is here, Volume IV is here, Volume V is here, Volume VI is here, Volume VII is here, Volume XIII is here, Volume IX is here, Volume X is here, and Volume XI is here. (The different volumes have little or nothing to do with one another.)

“Bits and bobs” are little anecdotes from my letters and emails to friends and family, which comprised most of my writing before starting up this blog. The dispatches in this volume were to my brother Bryan, written when I was newly married and living in San Francisco. He was still living in our hometown of Boulder, Colorado. Here is a photo of the two of us from around the time I wrote these.


January 25, 1995

I bought the Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing program for DOS. (I call it “Mavis & Butthead.”) It was supposed to run on 560K of RAM, & they recommended a “meg.” Now this is really confusing: how much is a meg? I’ve heard it’s 640,000 bytes, but I’ve also heard it’s 1,000,000 bytes. Very confusing. Anyhow, it wouldn’t even run when installed, although I have a meg. I made a DOS bootable diskette with modified AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files to get past its memory verification, and was therefore able to run it. However, it really was slow. I couldn’t make it keep up with me. I would type, “Mavis Beacon, your program stinks!” and on the screen I’d get, “Mvi Bn, yr pgm sk!” It was absurd, a total disaster. I took it back.

So, instead I bought this cheesy el cheapo Typing Tutor software. It only requires 512K of RAM; an IBM XT, AT, 286, 386 or higher; hard drive optional. Now that’s my kind of program. Its proudest feature is the Typing Lobster Sea Adventure game:

The Lobster Sea Adventure(TM) is an exciting game of chase and it’s an incredibly fast way to increase your typing accuracy and speed. Avoid being “pinched” by the lobster while typing in full sentences and using the shift keys. So many users have increased their typing speed and accuracy with the lobster and had fun at the same time!

Pretty much the most amazing video game ever. Not. 

Feb 1, 1995

Thanks for clearing up the meg issue. I grasp now that there is no standard. Say, that reminds me: at work I sent around these Computer Information Forms to get an inventory of what software people have, and what they want. I put a checkbox for “I need Microsoft Office” and another for “I only need Word.” On one form, an engineer had drawn in a new box and written “I need a new computer” and checked it. That inspired me. Our office manager (or “Director of Marketing and Administration,” a lofty title designed to boost her morale on the cheap) is using a petrified HP fossil called a Vectra. It’s so slow I made a special computer information form just for her; instead of having her fill in the RAM, ROM, MHz, CPU, etc. I just made one checkbox next to the text: “My computer is a tired, crippled old thing that barely runs anything at all. I’m surprised it doesn’t use 8-track tapes instead of diskettes. Somebody should just take it out and shoot it. But please, back it up first.” She put a huge check mark in that box. Alas, as it turns out nobody’s PC seems powerful enough to switch from WordPerfect to Word. Cash flow is too tight. We’ll all have to wait.

March 22, 1995

Things are pretty stressful at work. My boss, the company president, totally dissed me. He’d promised a paper to a magazine called the Inspectioneering Journal, but totally forgot to write it. At the last minute, realizing he had nothing to write, he kicked the project down to me, telling me to write a paper on Mechanical Integrity, on the double. I wrote one, in a huge rush, and I thought it came out pretty well … I even put in some neat visual things, like a table and a pie chart showing the types of issues discovered by OSHA during inspections. I sent the finished article to the journal’s editor for review; if it passed muster, he’d submit it to a panel of other editors for final approval. There wasn’t time to run it by my boss first—we were literally right against the deadline. Well, my boss read it after the fact, and totally bagged on it, freaking out that it would be torn apart by the editorial panel and this would make him look bad (since he was the alleged writer). He said I needed to extensively revise it immediately before the editor could pass it along. He didn’t say one positive thing about it.

One of my boss’s main demands was that I eliminate my entire introduction, which was an overview of OSHA’s Process Safety Management standard (upon which the guts of the paper were based). He also wanted the whole article put into the passive voice (e.g., “we determined” becomes “it was determined”) which of course violates one of the most fundamental principles of style. There were a few more nitpicky “corrections,” all of which were equally wrong. So, my morale being in the gutter, I just didn’t bother making any of the revisions and sending along a new version. I did call the editor and left him a voicemail saying, “With the benefit of hindsight we’ve determined that our initial paragraph may have been needless so I’d like to revise the paper before the panel review.” I didn’t hear back right away, but when I did, it was a message on my voice mail saying, “Well, I wanted to let you know that I got the paper and ... congratulations, you did a great job, it’s just perfect for our journal. I’m really impressed with the clarity of your writing and I am very excited about working with you on more projects. As for the introduction, I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s all appropriate. Further, I would like you to submit a photo of yourself along with the one of your company’s president, to accompany the article, since I’m listing you as a co-author.” Needless to say I feel totally vindicated. I’ve been leafing through The Joy of Cooking for a good crow recipe to give my boss. I need a low-cal one because he really ought to be eating this all the time.

April 27, 1995

You might remember my cool Benrus analog wristwatch with the fancy rotating bezel on it. I’ve known for well over a year that that ring is in fact kind of like a slide rule. Yesterday an engineer at work ripped it out of my hands when I showed it to him, and fairly drooled all over it. In the course of two or three minutes he demonstrated like twenty different calculations you can do with it. But “slide rule bezel” is confusing because it doesn’t slide and that doesn’t sound cool. So I call it the “hyper-alloy detonator depth-charge bezel.” The only problem is, it only rotates one way. Does that mean you can add but you can’t subtract? Multiply but not divide? Clearly I did not retain the engineer’s lesson; I only use the bezel to time parking meters, but rarely, and I usually forget I’ve used it and just go by sixth sense anyway. Besides, I don’t use parking meters that often, since I don’t have a car.

May 11, 1995

I can’t believe you actually complained about the poor bike racing coverage in the [Boulder] Daily Camera. You’ve got to be kidding me. That paper has the best racing coverage I’ve ever seen. We’re lucky to get a list of top ten results in the back pages of the Sunday sports section, next to the bowling results. I can get a little bit of information from CompuServe, the online information service, but my main source is forwarded messages from my friend who can get complete results from America On-Line, which has a Bicycling Magazine forum or some such thing.

October 29, 1995

On a cold, blustery day we went to the San Francisco Center and poked around. One of the things I looked at was a thick wool button-down shirt from Woolrich, just like the ones we all wore back in high school (and which are featured in our Four Brothers portrait that hangs proudly above my desk as I sit here typing).


Lo and behold, I did finally find some wool button-down shirts, but the price tag was staggering … close to $100. Just for a shirt! (Okay, a nice, thick one, but still.) You’ll certainly recall that we bought ours at the Factory Outlet in Broomfield, back when Factory Outlet meant slightly irregular and overstocked stuff that was really cheap, instead of what it means now (which is nothing more than a company-run store that sells only their brand of product and nobody else’s, for a price that is supposedly cheaper, but usually not by much). I’m sure there was something wrong with our Woolrich shirts, but I never could figure out what. A friend of mine back in high school once hit upon a theory: my shirt was defective because the front pockets didn’t have buttons. Well, they did: I just hadn’t buttoned them. So much for that. I have to wonder: now that factory outlet stores generally sell all first-quality stuff, what do companies do with their seconds? Surely they must have seconds. Do they just pitch it? Or do they pretend it’s fine and put some extra tag on there talking about how such variations give the garment character or something?

Finally I came upon some reasonably priced shirts but they looked really cheesy. I was lamenting the downfall of this once proud brand when I realized I’d drifted right out of Woolrich and into the Dockers store. I guess I’m just not cut out for shopping…

November 25, 1995

My job is slowing down somewhat. Now that I’ve given notice, I’ve been branded a treacherous backstabber, not to be trusted. I’m having my projects taken away from me and given to people who don’t know how to do them, which leads to these people tearing their hair out while they come up to speed. At least I’m around to help for a while. (“Like this,” I’ll tell them, grabbing a huge hunk of hair in both hands. “You want to tear as violently as possible.”) I’m also helping to interview the candidates for my replacement. This is good too, because I get to ask those probing questions: “You’re walking in the desert, and you see a tortoise flipped up on its back, its stomach baking in the hot sun. You could flip it back over, but you don’t … why is that?”

December 12, 1995

Well, I hope y’all had a good time at Dad’s birthday dinner. I talked to him today briefly. To have an excuse to keep the call short, I used a long-distance calling coupon that the cash register at Safeway spat out when I bought some gum. I dialed the 800 number and a recorded message said, “Thank you for buying Carefree gum at Safeway!” and gave me directions for entering my PIN, etc. The coupon was good for five minutes, which was really kind of strange because you feel like you can’t think of anything to say since you’re so hurried. I managed to remind Dad to reimburse me for Max’s b-day present; Dad had called me on Max’s birthday to say, “Give Max $50 for me and I’ll reimburse you.” But when I reminded him, he claimed he didn’t know what I was talking about. Could he be that scatterbrained? It was only three weeks ago! I’m trying to convince myself I haven’t just been scammed by my own dad.

December 12, 1996

Yeah, I know what you mean about web pages. I could make one using this CompuServe web page wizard, but what’s the point? The only reason I could think of is that by doing a search engine (i.e., AltaVista) search, a long-lost friend could find me. But I got no friends.

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Friday, December 23, 2022

2022 Last-Minute Online Holiday Gift Guide!

Introduction

I reckon you’ve arrived here after googling “last-minute Christmas gifts free overnight shipping” or perhaps after crying out, “Oh shit, Alexa, I forgot to shop for Christmas!” (In my household we’d be saying this to our older daughter Alexa by way of apology, as opposed to addressing an Amazon Echo.) Or perhaps your shopping is done and you just want to gloat, and see what acts of desperation the less-organized are resorting to. Either way, you’ll get a candid review of various products that, if nothing else, would be more exciting than another sweater or book.

Cooling weighted blanket - $30

Wait, what? A blanket that cools you? Does it have water running through it like a radiator or something? No, it’s just full of glass beads, to make it heavy. This apparently helps a person sleep. I guess it would be less warm than 15 pounds of blankets. If the concept is good, this could be the perfect gift: that is, the thing your recipient didn’t even know exists, and which solves a problem she didn’t even know she had. The manufacturer claims it “offers a natural way to calm your body for a restful night of sleep, feels like a hug and perfect for people who are under deep pressure that need a relaxing and good sleep. It will a be a best Halloween gift for your family.” Gosh, lots to unpack here. If I understand this correctly, if you’re under deep pressure, metaphorically speaking, the solution is to put yourself under deep pressure literally? As for it being a best Halloween gift, I wasn’t even aware I was supposed to give gifts for that. Maybe the scary costumes stress people out?


So does this thing work? The ratings are generally favorable, and one five-star reviewer wrote, “The material is soft and the heat transfer is on par with some of the golf shirts I own.” I’m not sure what that even means, having never worn a golf shirt. I looked at the Q&A and one respondent wrote, “There is NO cooling aspect with this blanket. If anything it makes me hotter.” That person liked the weight, though, and took care of the heat issue with a $2200 WiFi-connected mattress cover.

Let’s not forget that “the gift of giving” shouldn’t be neglected—in other words, let’s consider what benefit might accrue to you, the giver. Well, have you ever spent $11.45 to ship a $10 mug that weighs less than a pound? So annoying. This bad boy weighs over 15 pounds and ships for free.

Y2K Chill Pillow - $27

Is this pill-shaped pillow timeless? Perhaps. On the one hand, it’s touted as a “Y2K Fashion Room Décor Aesthetic” which would make it very retro, but it’s also “As Seen on TikTok.” One thing is for sure: it’s “perfect size & shape for soft for cuddles people.”


Insofar as “cool girls will love” it, and “you can use it as a way to relax, hug it when you cool down,” I might want this thing for myself, but it’s really touted mainly as a gift, for your “girlfriend, wife, nurses, med or law student, pharmacy techs, icu, therapist, or anyone in a stressful job.” You know what I’m thinking? This would pair really well with the cooling weighted blanket!

Be aware, though, that you will be sending your recipient a message: that you can tell she is really high-strung and really needs to chill out. “Take a chill pill” is often considered kind of a put-down. So be careful or you may take this pillow to the face.

Novelty candle - $20

I’m really not sure what the point of this candle is. I mean, in my experience, guys aren’t really into fancy candles, but women aren’t really into celebrating the nexus of illicit drugs and prostitution. So whom is this really for?


Meanwhile, I have to wonder, what scent is this candle supposed to imply? Does anybody know what cocaine actually smells like? I’ve never heard this smell described or even mentioned, which is kind of funny, considering that coke is snorted up the nose. When I google “the smell of,” Autocomplete suggests rain, money, rebellion, other people’s houses, and death … but not cocaine. As for the smell of a hooker, I would rather not think about it. I suspect it’s nothing like White Sage & Lavender, or Black Currant & Jasmine.

More wholesome novelty candles - $26

Let’s face it, the Cocaine & Hookers candle is a bit racy, but that doesn’t mean candles in general aren’t a great idea. Some people just can’t wait to light a new candle and appreciate its therapeutic benefits, while others will dig it out during a power outage and say, “Thank God I actually held on to this thing!” So here are a few safer options for a nice gift candle:


The aroma of these is helpfully provided on the manufacturer’s website, and each candle has its own. This creates an opportunity for a fun game: a houseguest can say, “Mmmmmm, I’m smelling sea air, rum, and wood … what could that be? A candle celebrating Admiral Vernon ofthe Royal Navy?” The host could giggle, “No, but you’re close: it’s Alexander Hamilton, and this candle recalls his ocean voyage to NYC!” Yay!

Escape reality interactive paperweight - $100

Is it just me, or do a lot of this season’s gifts reflect the need to cool down and relax? Well, insofar as I selected them, maybe it is just me. In any case, this paperweight purports to help you “escape into a magical realm of wonder,” like a little break from reality.


Feeling calmer already, eh? Naw, I’m just messing with you. The real magic starts when you download the free companion app and point your phone at the gemstone. Suddenly, it’s a magical holographic experience:


So, perhaps you’re wondering, why not just look at other magical, mystical videos etc. right on your phone? Oh, come on, be a sport. This is interactive. At least, for you. Others seeing you pointing your phone at this inert disk may think you’ve lost it completely.

I had the antique version of this experience, back in the ‘90s, by the way … which is also available as a gift:


On one occasion back then, my wife and I had a friend over who stared at our little lamp with a dumbfounded expression, trying to understand the point. Finally she said, “Oh, I get it … it’s because you guys don’t have a TV!”

Luxury grooming tool kit - $75

Women, are you tired of your man having gross nails and a poor complexion? It’s time to do something about it—but in a loving and supportive way. This grooming kit comes with 16 tools to help make that man less gross.


This thing’s got it all: two fingernail clippers (I guess one’s for backup), toenail clippers, an ear pick, a dead skin fork (yum!), an acne needle (ouch!) and, among other things, a beautiful vegan leather man-purse to keep it all in. If he gives a perfunctory thank-you and then shelves it with the fancy lotion you bought him last year, well, he’s within spec even for a modern man. But if he actually uses this stuff, marry him—quick!

Boyfriend’s Mom Necklace - $35

This lovely necklace comes with a heartfelt card dedicating the gift: “To My Boyfriend’s Mom.” So it’s not a universal gift, but if you’re trying to suck up to the woman you hope might end being your mother-in-law, this should be just the thing.


In case you can’t read the fine print there, it includes this: “Your gentle smiles is a reminder to love more deeply and your accomplishments is a motivation to chase after my own dreams. And this card inspires me to go back to school and learn some grammar.” Okay, I made up that last bit.

Now, what if you’re actually kind of tired of your boyfriend, and/or his fingernails are gross and he’s got too many blackheads? Or if you’ve only been dating for like a month? Give the gift anyway! He and his mom will be so freaked out, they’ll run for the nearest exit! Mission accomplished!

There’s one more purpose for this necklace: if you swing both ways and you’d like to get with your boyfriend’s mom. She’s probably more mature and surely has prettier nails. Give it a whirl!

Crystal ball nightlight - $21

Suppose you’re an aunt or uncle, and your poor niece or nephew has those kind of modern permissive parents who never set boundaries. It’s time to scare this kid straight, and this incarceration-themed nightlight is just the way to do it.


That is just so creepy the way this poor little rabbit is clearly trapped in this strange torture dome. Look how stressed he is. And what is that, some kind of lightning bolt stabbing him in the back? I asked my daughter and she said no, that’s Pikachu, the Pokémon character! She showed me some pictures but no way, Pikachu is always smiling! He looks joyful! This little Pikachu is miserable because he knows he’s so screwed! And look at the effect this strange nightlight has on kids:


At first blush, the little girl looks to be smiling, but check out the clenched jaw and the look in her eye: she’s about to cry. And the boy looks really tense too. This toy teaches these kids a lesson: it’s not all rainbows and unicorns in this world! This could happen to you! (My own daughter said of this nightlight, “God, that thing would give me nightmares.”)

Gucci stuffed lion - $735

Of this item in their “Gifts for Women” catalog, Gucci declares, “Green mane and tail detailing complete the style for an authentic portrayal.”


I have no words.

Gucci wristwatch - $1850

Why should women have all the fun, getting incredibly expensive gifts? Look at this fancy wristwatch:


Never before has a gift so strongly inspired the words, “You shouldn’t have.” I mean, what the hell is this thing? Is Gucci just trying to be annoying? Imagine squinting at that watch face, trying to sort out what time it is.

I have racked my brain trying to understand this watch. At least there’s no way you’d scratch it, right? Maybe this is, like, an armored watch for the man with an incredibly rough-and-tumble lifestyle, like a stuntman? But the fine print suggests otherwise: “When possible avoid any impact that might damage your watch.” So maybe there is no point to this timepiece . Or, more likely, I’m just too pedestrian and vulgar to appreciate the finer things.

Something for the blogger?

With all this talk of gifts, I’ll bet you’re already thinking about what to get me, the tireless blogger who has tried all year to amuse and enlighten you. Well, I really don’t need anything, seriously. But if you must, how about performing an interpretive dance on TikTok that will make this blog go viral? Either that, or mail me a rubber spatula. I can never have too many of those.

Other albertnet holiday posts

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