From the Archives - Return to Civilization

Introduction

Back in 1994, as chronicled here, here, here, here, and here, my wife and I did a 9-month bike tour across the US. We’d quit our jobs and moved out of our apartments beforehand, got married along the way, and then returned to San Francisco to resume our regularly scheduled lives. But before we could find an apartment and a job or two, we had some unfinished business: a (second) honeymoon in Hawaii, which was a wedding present from my then-stepdad. We’d had to delay this initially, since post-wedding we had five more months of bike touring ahead. Thus, we took the Hawaii trip in December before settling back down; it was a bit like Extended Play in a car-race video game. This mini-memoir from my archives details the re-entry.

March 20, 1995

Hawaii was great, though honestly staying in hotels would have been pretty welcome after all the camping on the bike tour. We were also a little disappointed in our guidebook, which erroneously said all public beaches were legal for camping in Hawaii. I think the writer meant to say no beaches are legal, because as we toured around the islands we kept getting kicked out by a ranger, sometimes in the middle of the night. One exit was so hasty, I managed to lose one of our backpacks and all its contents.

Oddly, this led to the highlight of the entire trip. We’d gotten up just before dawn to sneak away from the public beach where we’d camped when a native Hawaiian family down the beach from us called us over. They gave us a hot tip: giant turtles come in every morning with the high tide to feed on the seaweed and stuff on the rocks. The family offered to let us use their snorkels and fins, and urged us to go right away, though the sun wasn’t up yet, to go swim with the turtles! No joke!

So we borrowed fins and headed down the black sand beach. My fins were too small, and gravel lodged in them, scratching up my feet, and I walked like a klutz through the sand, and the water was bracing (even in Hawaii) at that hour, and the whole thing seemed pretty iffy … but as soon as we swam out a bit it was all worth it. About a dozen giant turtles, with shells about four feet across, were swimming all around us, and barely seemed to notice us! I had this disconcerting feeling that if they wanted to, they could eat me alive. They’re such good swimmers there’s no way I could’ve escaped. (The locals had said these weren’t snapping turtles, but still.) They’re really graceful creatures, and I discovered I could just drift along, about five feet from a turtle, in and out with the tide. At one point one turned his head to look at me, and then swam towards me. I almost freaked out; I know it doesn’t sound that scary, and really I was more fascinated than anything, but how often do you cavort with actual wild animals, of any kind? Not that turtles are “wild” in the sense of “Wild Thing” or “Born to be Wild,” but you know what I mean. Animals, in their natural state, on their turf, with me in silly swim trunks, a leaky mask, and stumpy little fins. And no upper body strength. Man, when a turtle swims, it’s like he’s flying through the water, flapping his fins like wings, and totally hauling ass. Fortunately they weren’t aggressive at all. They seemed more like dignified old men. (And/or women. How do you tell the sex of a turtle?)

The least touristy island, Molokai, really felt like another country. You’re not allowed to just head over, not that I have any idea how you’d get there anyway. Instead, once a day there’s a chartered boat for tourists, and to board it you have to pre-purchase the guided island tour. The reason is, Molokai is a former leper colony, and in recompense for marooning lepers there, the US government has agreed to give them their privacy and support them on the island until the last of them has died off. (Meanwhile, they’re finally allowed to leave if they want.) The island is largely undeveloped and overgrown, not manicured like the more touristy islands. Mongooses were running around everywhere. The guy giving our tour was really cool. His handshake felt odd because two fingers were permanently curled in.

The Landlord [my then-stepdad] had insisted that we use his tent for the trip, even though the one my wife and I used throughout our bike tour was totally great (and after all those months I could set it up in five minutes flat in the dark). Still, the Landlo’s fancy-pants tent might have been just the thing—had the poles been included. It turns out that for some reason he stored the poles separately, and forgot to give us the second bag, so they didn’t make the trip with us. If you’ve never tried to use a tent without poles, well, let me tell you, you’d be better off with nothing at all. The tent was utterly useless. Like a giant straightjacket. Not waterproof in the slightest, of course. When it rained (which seemed like half the time), it was just a total joke, as if Paul Bunyan saw us getting rained on and just dropped a giant Kleenex over us.

So yeah, Hawaii was great but we were honestly pretty stoked to get back into a home. We missed little things like an address, a roof over our heads, electric lights, a real bed, and an income. I suppose the trip had been just what we needed, because before we left we’d despised the pressures and responsibilities of full-time jobs. But so far, we’re still glad to be back—but only because we did have the experience of escaping for a while. During the tour, we were routinely struck by how many people we met who lamented, “I could never afford to do that! What about your jobs? What about the car payments? The mortgage? The kids?” We also met several people who had actually done the same thing, and who were ecstatic to see that other people had also found an opportunity to travel before it was too late.

I’ve been pulling some weekend shifts at the bike shop in Berkeley (where I worked as a college kid), to get some money rolling in and more importantly the psychological boost of feeling like we’re not just burning through what’s left of our savings. Beyond that, our first order of business was been finding an apartment (our first one together!) so during the first week back we threw ourselves headlong into an intense housing search. It wasn’t long before we found a really great apartment. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t take us as tenants, even though we both have spotless credit ratings and a pile of cash, because we weren’t gainfully employed. Seems like a catch-22; how do you get a job without a home? Camp in the park and put a suit on in the morning? So we bailed on that place and found another, which we liked even better and had cheaper rent. This time we knew what we were doing, and “informed” them of my highly lucrative managerial job at the bike shop. I’d checked with my old boss there, to make sure it was okay to tell this little white lie, and to my surprise he actually offered me the very job I’d pretended to have. So my application was almost honest, the only fiction being that I pretended I’d accepted the job and was actually working. Can I still sleep at night, having fibbed like this? Well, what about the fully employed guy who’s about to lose his job, whether he knows it or not? What’s the  difference? The property management company’s insecurity is not my problem.

So frantic was our urge to move into the apartment that we hardly checked out the neighborhood beforehand. We moved in at night, and were completely exhausted afterward. Before turning in I had to park the 14-foot U-Haul we’d rented, and in the process got to drive it up one of the very steepest hills in San Francisco—that is to say, one of the steepest hills on planet Earth. That was a bizarre sensation: I felt that any minute the truck could tumble over backwards and I would bounce all the way into the ocean. Only at the top did I see the sign stating “TRUCKS PROHIBITED.” Needless to say, parallel parking that beast was not easy.

The next morning, we strolled around our new neighborhood for the first time. We’d assumed, based on the rather reasonable rent in this notoriously expensive city, that we would be in a sketchy neighborhood. To our surprise and delight, we discovered we’d landed in a very nice area. It’s in Russian Hill, walking distance from North Beach, Chinatown, the Marina, and Pacific Heights. Our street (we’re on the corner of Polk and Filbert, if you happen to know where that is) has cute little shops and restaurants up and down it. We even have an old-fashioned, elegant movie theater, but it’s currently showing “Judge Dredd” (no thanks). Perhaps the best find is a fantastic Italian restaurant within walking distance. It has hideous art on the walls, like a still life of a wine bottle with an actual cork glued to it, which we’re guessing helps disrupt the ambience, thus keeping the prices down. I have a feeling we’ll be eating there a lot, even as we try to save to buy some real estate somewhere someday.

It’s a sunny Sunday morning and we’re sitting in a little bakeshop called Beppie’s Pies. Or maybe it’s Bepple’s. We bought some large, sweet, cakey blueberry muffins, which should pay our rent here for a while. We’re the only ones in the place, perhaps due to godawful music they’re playing; the current song is the dreadful wailing of some woman who is missing her man since he left. She’s somehow injecting little staccato pauses into her wails, kind of like how a TV evangelist drags “Jesus” out into three syllables. 

Tonight we’ve been invited to a barbecue, but by people who seldom barbecue. In fact, they had originally planned for me to be in charge of the grill. Fortunately, I was informed of my duties sufficiently far in advance that I could beg the host to reconsider, and explain my total incompetence in such things. Not that I don’t like to eat barbecue; I just don’t crave it often enough to learn how to do it, and buy the gear, etc. My friend P—, over in Berkeley, routinely host barbecues (well, at least he did in the couple years preceding our bike tour; I hope he still does). His parents are from Germany, and are in fact professional barbecuists. He always makes this German-style cole slaw (or “cold slaw” as my brothers and I used to ignorantly call it) that’s as good as anything that comes off the grill. For such events, I usually buy a cut of meat with a name something like “Swiss boot steak.” It looks as impressive as your best cut of expensive meat, so I give the semblance of a true beef aficionado, but this stuff is so dirt-cheap I feel like the butcher would just give it to me if I asked nicely. Needless to say, it’s as tough as leather. I’m reminded of the TV commercials for the Ginsu steak knives. Not that I watch much TV (E—and I don’t have one) but this commercial—perhaps you’ve seen it—has been on for so long it practically has a cult following. I’ll attempt to quote from memory:

These fantastic Ginsu knives never need sharpening! Watch: we’ll cut through this tin can, and then—look!—it still cuts through this leather boot like a hot knife through butter! You get the cleaver, the butcher, the serrated breader, and the 12 steak knives for only $19.95, that’s $19.95, plus shipping and handling. But wait, there’s more: if you act now, you also get the bonus fillet knife and the EZ-matic mandolin! It slices, it dices, and look! Before, you had a potato—now you’ve got curly fries! Call now, operators are standing by at 1-800-228-2200, that’s 1-800-228-2200!

And why does a steak knife need to be able to cut through a boot? Because it might get used on a Swiss steak! Really, this slab of chewy gristle is more of a garnish for me than anything, since I’m really there for the socializing and the cold slaw. Besides, calamari is very chic and it’s as tough as rubber. And since I don’t bother to chew any of my other food, what’s wrong with working my jaws once in a while? 

I get to have some fun with the Swiss steak even before I eat it. You see, when you barbecue in Berkeley, you invariably get a few vegans who almost act offended at the sight of meat—never mind that they’re at a barbecue and presumably knew full well what they were getting into. Also never mind that their tempeh patties are only afforded what little flavor they have by the beef fat they’ve managed to absorb from the grill. I typically let my boot-steak snuggle up against the tempeh, maybe even overlap it bit. The vegans get really pissy about this. You’d think the steak was poison. I emphasize the ideological aspect of the situation as I soothe them: “Look, it doesn’t count as animal cruelty of you yourself didn’t select the meat. You’re still innocent. Cruel fate brought the meat into your life, against your will.” This goes over reasonably well, especially if the vegan has had enough beer.

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Marriage Hacks - When Love Isn’t Enough

Introduction

Right off the bat, this post doesn’t really provide hacks per se. I was just trying to get your attention. Also, the point of “when love isn’t enough” isn’t a critique of your, my, or any marriage. In my opinion, love alone is never enough. That’s kind of my whole point.

This post is about what I’ve learned during 31 years of marriage. My cred in offering any kind of advice is based on a) my wife actually having suggested this post, which indicates she doesn’t consider me a total disaster as a husband, and b) the probability that if you asked my kids about the state of my marriage, they wouldn’t burst out laughing or stalk away glowering and/or muttering “no comment.” If you are humble enough to think you might learn something from me, read on. This might be a good post if you’re a young person contemplating marriage, a married person looking to glean some tips, a single person looking to bask in all the work you don’t have to do, or a bored person stuck in a long line.

A few caveats

Before we begin, here are a few disclaimers. First, I’m not going to provide any advice about how to find love, learn to love, or fall in love. I honestly don’t know how any of that works, having (long ago) stumbled into it by accident. (The closest posts to that topic which you’ll find on albertnet are here and here, or for a nice crash-and-burn story, here.) If you’re a frustrated single person wondering why I am making no attempt to address your situation, please accept my apologies that albertnet can’t be everything to everybody (though many of my posts are perfect for singles, like this one, this one, and this one).

Second caveat: I’m not a marriage counselor, I have no formal training, I’m not even an Internet influencer, and this blog has no Service Level Agreements. If you’ve ever asked a neighbor for tips on cleaning your barbecue grill, that’s the spirit you should bring to reading this post.

Finally, if you’re married or otherwise attached to a narcissist, psycho, jerk, or hopelessly selfish person, you need more advice than I could possibly offer and I recommend seeking professional help (counselor, lawyer, or assassin). (Yes, that last bit was a joke.) This post is about maintaining and/or improving a solid marriage, not fixing a broken one.

Hack #1: know what you’re in for

I think the Romance Industrial Complex has done a great disservice to the institution of marriage. Rom-coms always end when the cute guy and the cute girl finally stop with the combative high jinks, realize they’re actually in love, and kiss. If the movie kept going, it would morph into something between a boring documentary and a tense police procedural. I’m not saying marriage doesn’t have its high points, but it involves a lot more work than going on a date. You want proof? Imagine a meet-cute scenario ending in the proposal, “Would you like to get together this weekend and clean out my garage?” 

A marriage is like running a business, running a hotel, and sometimes running a war room. If kids are involved, it’s like running a daycare, a boarding school, and maybe even a prison. You and your spouse aren’t just maintaining a marriage, you’re also conducting your own adult lives, but in tandem. I mean, you’re tackling all the financial, emotional, logistical, and health-related issues everyone has to face, but in cooperation with another person whose challenges—and strategies—overlap with your own to a greater or lesser degree. This can be a big help, but it’s also hard to orchestrate. Your partner’s values, decisions, and behavior are directly tied to just about every important aspect of your adult life.

Here’s an analogy: suppose you love cycling, because of the scenery, the exercise, and the speed. If you fly to France and rent a bike from a chichi tour outfit (as I once got to do), you get all the enjoyment without much hassle. You might descend an Alpine pass in a downpour and wear down your rental’s brake pads, get its drivetrain filthy, etc. and then all you have to do is give the bike over to the mechanic at the end of the day, and when you set out again the next morning it’ll be good as new. That’s a lot like going a date … no wonder new love is so awesome! You’re on a weekend getaway where other people are cooking and cleaning for you … you might even have a whole orchestra playing for you so you don’t have to talk! But dating doesn’t “scale,” as the business people would put it.

Getting back to the bike analogy, if you love cycling enough to drop a few grand on a racing bike, you’re going to have to maintain that bike yourself. If you don’t service the drivetrain regularly, the chain and cassette cogs will stop working so well, make a lot of noise, and wear out too soon. If you keep ignoring this maintenance, the chain may eventually break, likely while under heavy load, meaning you could crash. If you don’t inspect the tires often enough, you could have a sudden blowout. So you need to learn how to clean and lube your drivetrain, ideally how to mount tubeless tires with that messy goo, and how to inspect everything for wear and tear, and none of this bears any resemblance to enjoying scenery and speed, getting fresh air and exercise, and everything else that drew you to the sport in the first place. But if you want to be able to enjoy the ride, you have to put up with the maintenance.

So it is with marriage: you’re constantly communicating with your partner, mending fences when you disappoint each other, looking to make sure one another’s needs are met, and deciding together how to handle important decisions. The initial attraction, with its spirit of fun, chemistry, and romance may have gotten you here, but it’s a whole other skill set you need to develop to keep the marriage running. Resign yourself to this reality, commit to it, understand that the effort is well worth it, and be grateful that you have a marriage worth maintaining.

Hack #2: get help

Here’s a pretty typical sob story: boy meets girl, they date, they marry, they encounter the inevitable challenges of marriage, they wing it, they do what comes naturally (e.g., indulge in selfishness), that doesn’t work, they fight, they grow apart, they divorce. I’ve had front-row seats for this four times (that being the number of divorces across my two parents). That scenario played out with wife’s parents as well. In fact I’m sure it happens all the time. Perfectly reasonable people fall in love, marry, wing it, and fall short.

I’m not saying everyone needs marriage counseling. That can become necessary after too much neglect, if things are starting to break down, but it’s never too early to get non-professional help, whether it’s from friends, families, books, articles, whatever. I love the idea of the Catholic Pre-Cana consultation, where a priest or other official reaches out to an engaged couple and leads them through a workshop on communication, conflict resolution, finances, intimacy, and family planning before the marriage even starts. (If I have any of that wrong, I still love the idea as I’ve represented it, whether anybody practices it or not.) I talk about marriage with my friends, and it’s not all just grousing. And I read books and articles about it, and talk to my wife about it, and just generally take marriage seriously as a difficult discipline that requires a lot of skill and effort. This is as sensible to me as watching a YouTube video about how to bleed the hydraulic brakes on my bike. And if life throws a hard enough curve ball, I’m happy to get marriage counseling, just like I’ll take my bike to a shop to have the shock-absorbing fork rebuilt from time to time.

Hack #3: hone your communication

Continuing the thread about doing what comes naturally, consider this quote from the writer Lore Segal (taken from a telegram sent by a character in her novel Her First American):

PROTOCOL IS THE ART OF NOT REPEAT NOT LIVING BY NATURAL HUMAN FEELING

The romantic ideal tells us that love—that most fundamental of natural human feelings—is enough. But humans can be complicated, unreliable, and self-interested, none of which is very romantic or conducive to marital tranquility. When we do screw up, most of the time it’s communication, not action, that helps us make amends. Sure, if you drop a vase on the floor you can just sweep up the shards and, if needed, replace the vase. But if you accidently hurt your partner’s feelings, things are more complicated. You have to understand his or her feelings; understand your role in them; understand what else may be contributing (e.g., your partner’s past and any triggers or hang-ups that might introduce); understand what your partner needs; and figure out how to provide that. This can be very difficult when we’re stubborn, confused, defensive, and/or our own feelings are also hurt. Often times this leads to a fight. Marital arguments, I think, can be the most charged ones we face, because with friends or colleagues there’s not so much passion involved, and you don’t have to go to bed with the person that night, and wake up with him or her the next day. With marriage, everything is at stake, or so it feels.

Saying the wrong thing is only one kind of miscommunication. Biting your tongue too often or otherwise failing to communicate is another. Or, saying the right thing wrong, and/or at the wrong time. Communication can be a minefield, which makes it a prominent use case for getting help, and not waiting until you’re in the thick of a crisis to do so. I’m talking about making a habit of reading about relationships, whether it’s fiction, self-help books, advice articles … whatever you come across. Be like a decorator crab scuttling along the ocean floor keeping an eye out for anything that might be a handy accoutrement.

Case in point: I came across this New York Times article, “8 Phrases to Help Your Relationship Thrive,” and found it well worth reading. In case you don’t subscribe to the Times and have exhausted your pay-wall freebies, the phrases tend to deal with either the struggle to conduct the argument constructively (e.g., “Can we slow down?” and “Let me try that again”) or a shift in perspective (e.g., “What does the relationship need from us right now?”). Reading the article reminded me of conversations I’ve had with my wife around the art of marital dialogue, so I emailed her the link. Imagine my surprise when she misconstrued the purpose of my email and thought I was hinting at ways she could improve. In her defense, it probably wasn’t wise of me to title the email, “Read it and weep, bitch!”

No, of course I didn’t do that. Just making sure you’re awake. But the reality is, communication can be hard no matter how much you practice, and how skillful a communicator you normally are, or how good your intentions are. Part of the problem is that you cannot always (or even usually) predict the brain space your spouse/other may be in when you decide to communicate.

I want to get back to the concept of protocol now. I think computer networks make a great analogy here—so bear with me when this gets a bit arcane. You’re reading this blog right now thanks to the work of countless nerds designing electronic communication protocols: HTTP, TLS, HTML, and TCP, to name a few. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need a security protocol like TLS any more than we’d need bike locks. But TCP—Transmission Control Protocol—is instrumental in making the Internet work. It basically achieves, on a network level, what several of the Times article’s eight phrases do. It makes sure the communication works properly, even when network conditions are poor (e.g., in cases of a weak or congested connection).

You may be wondering why I dragged you through all that. Here’s the point: TCP does a great job of handling poor conditions. Its operation is perfectly logical and consistent. It adapts to  congestion or noise by dynamically slowing down the communication, such as by negotiating a smaller “window size” (i.e., telling the other device, “I can accept up to X bytes of data before you must stop and wait for an ACK”). The worse the connection gets, the more steps TCP takes to make sure data isn’t corrupted, to the point that this protocol almost never fails (though it may slow the network down if, say, you’re on WiFi in the kitchen and the microwave is running). In this way, TCP is basically the opposite of how humans communicate.

How’s that? Well, when we get upset, and feel attacked, we can often have a fight-or-flight reaction, because as sophisticated as our brains are, they don’t differentiate between threats to our life and threats to, say, our sense of self. If things get sufficiently heated, our “lizard brains” take over in what’s called “limbic override” such that logic, sensitivity, and consideration go right out the window. This is how marital spats can turn so nasty, and if they lead to residual resentment, the next fight is bound to be worse, and if this persists the relationship can be irreparably damaged.

This is why we need to learn about communication, think hard about it, work hard at it, and respect it. It’s the best tool we have but handling it well during duress does not come naturally. It takes practice, forethought, and dedication. Find your inner TCP.

Hack #4: be humble

When I advise “be humble” I’m not referring to the simple act of not bragging even when you could. I’m talking about putting your relationship before your ego. Most people wouldn’t admit to putting their egos first, but lots of people do it as a reflex.

Perhaps this started with David Letterman. I liked his show back in the ‘80s, found him funny, and I suppose let his arch, sarcastic, and reckless style influence my own behavior. It was all very mimetic: I didn’t just want to watch his show and laugh at his wisecracks; I wanted to be ironic and cool, like him. In my defense, I was just a dumb teenager, and had very little to lose. My friends were just as enamored with acerbic wit as I was, and on some level we probably all know it was a pose. But it became a habit, and not just for us. I think society started to be snide. It’s like everybody was afraid to be earnest.

You can see this reflected in advertisements. They used to tout the benefits of a product, like this typewriter ad:

When’s the last time you saw a ad that straightforward and sincere? Modern ads consider product features and benefits to be beside the point; instead, the point is how cool you will be if you use the product. With this mimetic yearning and forced nonchalance so prevalent in the culture, perhaps it’s inevitable to see people being too cool to read self-help books or articles, like they’re just so far above it.

I suppose I should back that up. On a hunch, I sifted through the reader comments to the Times article on useful relationship phrases. Needless to say I found a bunch of snotty, dismissive ones, such as these three:

Twice we’ve had to waste hundreds of dollars paying a referee (sorry, counselor) when she folded her arms and wouldn’t talk anymore. When did people get so weak that they can’t deal with a little stumbling around in a conversation while working things out?

This pablum is one of the reasons why “couples therapy” and “marriage counseling” are expensive wastes of time.

Frankly I’d laugh if my wife said this—or most of this jargon—to me.

How would you like to be married to one of these guys? Sure, they probably seemed really cool during the courting period, but they don’t seem to take delicate communication very seriously. That first guy, by his own admission, didn’t get a very positive reaction from his wife and I can see why. But even if we assume these assholes’ marriages are fine, and that their attitudes and practices work just fine for them and their wives, why do they take the trouble to pooh-pooh the Times article with their snide comments, despite the fact so many other readers have left largely positive comments? My guess: these blowhards are just too weak and insecure to admit they could improve, and have some perennial need to showcase their coolness to the world.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not Doogie Howser, and still enjoy making wisecracks (though the sarcasm of my youth has generally softened to facetiousness). Much of my communication with my wife is lighthearted, flippant, and unguarded. I get it that not all conversation needs to be mired in complex protocol. (To continue the network analogy, not everything is TCP; plenty of Internet data is sent using the lighter-weight UDP protocol which is best-effort. Thus, when I’m pattering away to my wife about bike rides or beer or whatever, I mark my packets discard-eligible and set the window size to infinity.) But my point is, a responsible marriage partner needs to be willing to be earnest, and to risk seeming uncool. Particularly in times of duress, when it’s tempting to be dismissive, being sincere instead of cavalier doesn’t only serve the dialogue, but it’s an important gesture in and of itself.

My wife and I took great pains to impress all this upon our kids when they were teenagers (i.e., at the age where everything is stupid and unnecessary and annoying). Obviously our daughters had front row seats to our own arguments from time to time, but beyond that we resorted to old-fashioned instruction. My wife found this great book, Crucial Conversations – Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, and for what felt like at least a year, she’d bring it out at least once a week at the dinner table after the dishes were cleared away (by our kids, I might add) but before everybody scattered. We’d make the kids take turns reading passages aloud, and then we’d all discuss them. This went over about as well as serving lentils at a wedding. You’ve never seen so much eye-rolling or heard so much groaning. Our girls absolutely hated this family tradition, and to make matters worse, they couldn’t resist citing their sister’s gaffs and missteps as case studies in our discussions. This frequently led to heated battles and mutual character assassination, fanning the fires of the sibling rivalry that smolders in every family. It was almost a mockery of the skills my wife and I were trying to instill, but I have to believe some of the lessons were at least partially absorbed, and—most importantly—through this practice we modeled earnestness and sincerity. If you asked either daughter if her parents take communication seriously, I’m sure she’d say yes. And it hasn’t escaped their notice that we fight fair, both with each other and with them. 

Hack #5: clean the grill

Make sure the grill is off and cool enough to handle safely, but still slightly warm ( as this helps loosen residue). For gas grills, turn off the propane and disconnect if necessary. Use a grill brush or scraper, and perhaps even a putty knife, to remove charred food and grease from the grates. For stubborn buildup, soak the grates in warm, soapy water for 15–30 minutes.

I’ll bet you thought “clean the grill” was going to be a metaphor! Naw. I just thought five hacks was a nice, round number, plus I’d mentioned barbecue grills above, as you’ll perhaps recall, though that must seem like hours ago. I hasten to add that I don’t actually know anything about barbecue grills. I stole those directions from the Internet and cannot vouch for them. But never mind, you’ve finally made it to the end. Thanks for reading, and feel free to share your own advice below.

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Appendix B - More on Presta Valve Locknuts, aka Valve Rings

Introduction 

Obviously, just about anyone would read an essay of almost any length about Presta valve locknuts, aka valve rings. Even so, I deferred last week to the presumed minority of souls who are intimidated by vast tracts of text, and I actually shortened (!) my post. I achieved this via two means: a) moving a tangential discussion of tubeless setup to an appendix, and b) saving a second digression for this week. So, as a counterpoint to last week’s post and its Appendix A, I herein provide Appendix B. I had originally intended to use this post to present my brother’s input on the topic and my response—and I will get to that. But first, I’ve already received lots of reactions to the first post and I’ll tackle those now.

Feedback on the first post

It goes without saying that my first essay on valve locknuts generated immediate and impassioned responses. First was this commentary (from Anonymous) below the post itself:

Deep analysis of an important topic. I have shared with all my friends. I expect to have fewer of them shortly.

Next came a written apology from M—, who started this whole thing 13 years ago when (as recalled in last week’s post) he called my use of valve locknuts “a sign of novice nerd-dom.” In an email last Thursday he announced that he’d read my last post in its entirety—something he almost never does, but in this case, as he explained, his wife “was watching some PBS program about British royals so I had some idle time.” He went on to say, “ I apologize for the stinging remark about your moronic use of stem nuts.  I can be frightfully insensitive at times.” (And as you have seen, I can be frightfully moronic.)

Subsequently another member of our bike club, K—, emailed the group, “Dana, thanks for sharing the valve rings / valve stem nuts article. We chatted about it at the Sibley stop on today’s ride, then lo and behold what should B— spot but a valve ring in the wild!

I replied to K— and the group, “I hope somebody grabbed it for his or her stash, or maybe even valve, or at least to clean up litter,” to which K responded, “I did not grab it Dana. One of my valve stems ( the wheel in the picture) was unthreaded and the other … had a valve stem ring on it already! Also, I think the group’s feeling was that this was now a ‘wild’ valve stem ring, and it was best to leave it to its hard-earned freedom.” Fair enough!

That same day, another teammate, D—, wrote, “After reading your post I added valve rings and caps on the short stems in the low profile Mavic MA40 wheels on my 1970s Frejus — in support of ultimate loser dorkitude — certified M-approved.”

Look at that! Actual valve caps! Seeing those certainly throws you for a loop, don’t it? Unlike valve locknuts, these caps are so universally eschewed that actually seeing one is as unexpected as seeing a dog washing itself, or viewing an AI-rendered drawing of a person with three arms, or encountering a schoolgirl with sideburns (though none of those exemplifies dorkitude, I hasten to add). The first photo of this post, of the capped crooked valve ... ugh. Just ugh.

The next response was from L—, who inquired, “OK, but what about a bling driven setup where I have the nut and the cap because they are from Hope and bronze anodized to match my hubs?” He included these two photos:

I think in the case of extreme bling, a special dispensation should be granted. Nothing wrong with a little flair. L— has mentioned that he used to mountain bike in Hope, a place in Derbyshire near Sheffield (though Hope is also, confusingly, a manufacturing company in Barnoldswick, Lancashire). I shall hereafter always think of L— as The Man From Hope. (Well, okay, the other man from Hope.) Now, I’ll bet I know just what you’re thinking: wouldn’t one of those amazing gold anodized valve caps make a fine addition to M—’s collection? L—, if by some chance you’re reading this: you have been warned.

And now, I shall move on to my original topic, the invaluable input on valve rings from my brother. (If more responses to my previous post come rolling in, I’ll have to address them in another appendix or two.)

Uncle Bryan weighs in

When I originally solicited opinions about valve locknuts via email, I really wanted my brother Geoff to chime in. After all, it was my impasse with him that got this whole debate going, 36 years ago. Plus, he’s one of the best bike mechanics I know; his nickname when he was the mechanic for the Cal Poly Wheelmen was “Dr. Shimano.” I was known, to the members of his team and mine, as his loyal sidekick, Tecnova, named after the really shitty Panaracer tires that tended to come on Japanese road bikes in those days.

A note on those tires: I spelled the name wrong in a previous post. I’d put “Technova” but just learned it’s actually spelled “Tecnova.” So sue me. Anyway, here is a photo. Just look at how shitty they are:

This  probably won’t surprise you, but I had ChatGPT help me chase that down that photo. Have you ever noticed how when the chatbot is done servicing your request it always suggests something else it could do? It just doesn’t want to let go. It should be called ClingGPT. In this case it asked if I wanted it to provide a “high-resolution, clean copy” of the tire photo for me. I said sure. Here’s what it created:

Look at that! It bears no resemblance to the real tire! John Keats would be turning in his grave. (He’s the one who wrote, “Beauty is truth, truth beauty.”) What’s kind of frightening is that ChatGPT could have corrected my spelling but instead reinforced it. It even claimed that there’s disagreement about “Technova” vs. “Tecnova” and cites this very blog as precedent for “Technova,” even though the GPT knows I’m albertnet’s author. When AI ultimately replaces human companionship, nobody will ever be kept honest again. But they’ll be so cozy and satisfied with their sycophantic digital pals!

OMG, where was I? Oh, yeah, I’d reached out to Dr. Shimano for input on valve rings. Alas, I couldn’t get his attention, but I did get a nice response from his evil twin, Uncle Bryan. (Is Bryan evil? No, of course not, he’s just Geoff’s twin. But “evil twin” has such a nice ring to it! In reality “evil” applies instead to Geoff, because he is known to all his nieces and nephews as “Evil Uncle Geoff,” just as I’m known as “Evil Uncle Dana.” And are Geoff and I evil? Yes, definitely. Now, moving on to the “Uncle” bit, it just seems to me that as my brothers and I age and try to embody the gravitas we’re expected to have as full-on mature adults, we should have some kind of honorific to extend and embellish our names. I would enjoy being called Captain Dana, or Master Dana, or even Lord Dana, but of course I haven’t earned any of these. In certain contexts I get to be Coach Dana, but that doesn’t transfer very well to my everyday life, so I generally have to settle for Uncle Dana. Somehow among my brothers and me this “easy honorific” has become completely standard, to where it’s actually rare to leave off the “Uncle,” even if we’re just talking to each other without a niece or nephew in earshot.)

With no further ado, here is Uncle Bryan’s commentary.

First, the against. Do they really work? It’s hard to say if they work or not without knowing what it is they are supposed to do. I’m not prepared to answer that question at the moment. So the answer is yes, I think they do work, so that’s not really an against, except that some believe that they don’t really work. I’ll address that conundrum later. 

The other against that I can think of: weight. They add weight to the bike. I don’t care about that. The weight is negligible and if I were concerned about weight, well... there are other areas where that could be addressed with orders of magnitude of difference. Didn’t you once thread many valve rings on an opponent’s bike to add weight and annoy? And also fill his frame tubes with ball bearings? And was this the kid who would stop what he was doing every few minutes just to walk over to his bike and heft it, just to remind himself how light it was? At the Joke on the Hill? 

There is one real problem with valve rings that I can think of, though, and that’s that they often come loose. It seems to me that they rattle and annoy, though now I’m so deaf that I can’t hear if they are rattling, so maybe they don’t ... but I remember that they used to, but then again can I really remember anything? Am I just imagining all this? It’s like Dad when his front derailleur would be rubbing and driving us all mad but we were too shy to mention it most of the time. I did see a front derailleur that was ground almost all the way through, leaving this knife edge in the metal... was that Dad’s? He couldn’t have ridden enough to do that, could he have? No, it was Dad’s! I can totally see it in my memory! But then there’s that memory problem again... No, I’m sure it was! Now the tables have turned, of course. I was riding with [his son] John, maybe even when we did the STP, and he pointed out that my bike was making a clicking or ticking or popping sound, mostly in first gear, or at least in the lower gears where the tension was high and the wind noise low. I know it does this but can’t figure out what it is, so I just pretend it’s not happening. If I do that I pretty much can’t hear it anyway. I’m just too tired to care, and what can I do? So maybe the valve rings do rattle, and maybe that’s a problem, but not for me. The other problem with their coming loose is that they’re probably not doing what they’re supposed to be doing, whatever that is, if they’re loose. 

So what are the benefits of valve rings? Let’s see, I know there are some benefits, some reason that I “like” them, or at least use them. Okay, firstly, they keep the stem from disappearing in the rim hole when you shove the pump head on it. That’s handy, but of course there’s the down side that if you don’t shove the stem into the tire body before inflation you might end up with the tube next to the stem lifting the tire beads and blowing the tire off the rim as you inflate, and it’s hard to shove the stem in there with a valve ring blocking the way. I seem to remember that happening like fifty years ago, but I don’t think it happens anymore, or maybe it was all in my imagination, or a theory as to why the 500 PSI air compressor at the gas station blew my tire up in two seconds and the explosion right next to my head ruined my hearing. Either way I’m going with the rings. 

The other thing it does that I can think of is that it keeps the stem perpendicular to the rim, which is of utmost importance. There’s nothing dorkier than a valve stem that’s all cockeyed. I’m sure we used to argue that it was a safety issue as well, but then we argued all sorts of stupid stuff. And if you’ve got the tube misaligned with the tire too much the valve ring just isn’t going to save you, it can only do so much. 

Now it seems that there’s more... oh yes, if you don’t have a valve ring it’s like the stem is naked and you can see past it into its more modest regions, that place where it’s not polite to look. If the rim has a big valve hole this problem is even worse, and it also exacerbates the issue with the stem’s angle to the rim. Maybe back in the day we’d use a valve ring to cover up the fact that the rim was made for Schrader valves (or worse, reamed out for Schrader, by you!) and by extension you were a loser. You may as well have steel rims. So yeah, a valve ring can do that. It also looks like it’s protecting the stem somehow, maybe from getting broken off if it got bent too far in one direction. I don’t know how it would do that, but that’s the feel it gives. It just looks better, okay? Like a fork crown with a Dura-Ace brake on it, not naked; clothed, armored, even. 

One more thing... it’s just more stuff, more intricate parts, more little things to make the bike cool. Like those caps we’d solder on the cables, or cable goodies, or the Shark fin, or the little sack for the Suntour... what was that, power cam? Yeah, the power cam brake. I actually feel the same way about presta valve caps, but I guess valve caps are another blog post—probably your next one, in fact! 

My responses

So, starting with Bryan’s first question—what are these locknuts even for?—I think it’s remarkable that he even asked. I will assert (at the risk of antagonizing some readers) that most people form opinions without really bothering with the step of wondering. Instead they quickly discern what position their tribe has taken, and unquestioningly align with it.

Bryan is right, of course: valve locknuts do indeed hold the valve straight, though any competent mechanic should be able to get this right, and the crooked valve problem is more with Schrader valves on low-pressure tires because these valves are common among cheap-ass commuting bikes that get very little maintenance. I am convinced—and I’m happy to argue with you about it—that riding your crappy commuting bike with underinflated tires causes the valves to gradually get pulled crooked. So if anything, more Schrader valves should have locknuts. (I have only seen one such tube.)

Bryan’s memory of my threading “many valve rings on an opponent’s bike” is accurate; as described here, I once stacked like ten of these locknuts on each of my opponent’s valves. My opponent was of course was our evil brother Geoff; this was part our valve locknut war. But filling a frame tube with ball bearings … that wasn’t me. That was this kind of annoying guy I worked with at The Spoke, or (as my brothers called it) The Joke. It wasn’t The Joke on the Hill, though; it was the lame Joke in the Table Mesa Center. The Hill was the college community and that was The Joke’s flagship shop. Not only was “my” shop the lesser one, but I wasn’t even an hourly employee … I was just a lowly assembler, paid by the bike. My brothers scorned me because the shop we admired (and that we eventually all worked at) was the High Wheeler, or Thigh Feeler as we called it. It didn’t matter that my brothers didn’t even work there at the time—they could still mock me for my lesser affiliation. (As you can see, these twisted parasocial relationships actually predate social media.)

I distinctly remember the guy at the Joke whom Bryan referred to. He looked exactly like Jahn, the creepy, developmentally arrested ringleader of eerie children in the 1966 “Star Trek” episode “Miri.” Jahn, as you’ll surely recall, led the kids in calling the Enterprise crew “grups” and in ultimately attacking them, chanting, “Bonk, bonk on the head!” So uncanny was this bike shop guy’s resemblance, I felt nervous working around him. (I don’t remember his name, not that I’d give it to you anyway.) Where my memory fails is that this guy was either the perp or the victim of the ball bearing prank and doggone it, I just can’t remember which.

Anyway, the story is, somebody at the Joke (possibly the Jahn lookalike) had a beautiful Mercian road bike made with Reynolds 753 tubing, which was a really big deal in those days (this being around 1982). The thinnest part of the tubing wall was just 0.4 mm thick, and a mechanic with strong hands could actually see the tube compress if he pushed hard enough on it with his thumbs (or so it was said). This frame was built up with the lightest stuff, even the actual Campagnolo Super Record pedals with the titanium spindles (as opposed to the cheaper steel-spindle Superleggeri most of us had). Despite belonging to the employee, this bike was always on prominent display on the showroom floor. Its owner, who wasn’t even much of a cyclist, was in the habit of walking over to pick it up end enjoy how light it was. He did this multiple times a day and it drove the rest of us nuts. So finally the perp (possibly the Jahn-lookalike) waited until the bike’s owner went to lunch and then pulled out the bike’s seatpost, and filled the entire seat tube with ball bearings. He put the post back in and then we all went back to our posts and waited for the owner to get back from lunch and lift his bike again. When he did, he just about had a heart attack, and the rest of us almost died laughing.

Moving on to Bryan’s memory of our dad’s front derailleur rubbing constantly to the point it was destroyed … is that accurate? 100%! I remember it very well, because I felt so lame about being too timid to bring it to our dad’s attention. That’s how little rapport we had with the guy. His reward for being so aloof and unapproachable is that not only did the chain eventually grind all the way through the derailleur cage, turning the remaining piece into practically a blade, but eventually when he went to shift, that scalpel-like protuberance peeled the side plate of his chain like a damn can opener, as though the front derailleur had taken revenge! No, I wasn’t there when this happened, but for some reason my dad loved telling people all about it. The way he regaled his friends, colleagues, and probably even complete strangers, it was like he thought it a heroic tale!

Regarding Bryan’s next observation, “if you don’t have a valve ring it’s like the stem is naked and you can see past it into its more modest regions, that place where it’s not polite to look,” this is beautiful, deathless prose and I have nothing to add.

“Like a fork crown with a Dura Ace brake on it, not naked, clothed, armored, even.” He’s referring to the modern fork of a bike with disc brakes, so the fork crown is totally naked, no cool-looking brake caliper like we’re used to seeing.

Now, the Power Cam brake he mentions was a total disaster invented by Suntour. It really should have been featured in road.cc magazine’s feature on Design Blunders. The brake had these little rollers and a specially shaped cam that was supposed to give you great braking power without tight pad/rim tolerances. There were three main problems with this. One: it was a pain in the ass to adjust properly given the variety in rim widths and the weirdly shaped cam. Two: as the pads wore down, the wrong part of the cam would engage, so the brake worked poorly. Three: the brake was mounted to the underside of the chainstays (supposedly because they flexed less than the seat stays), so it tended to get packed with mud, which would gum up the cam rollers and foul up the brake further. In response to this third issue, a company called Overland made an after-market ballistic nylon jacket for the entire assembly. This was pretty hokey, although arguably more important than a valve locknut and certainly more beneficial than a valve cap. Evidenly Bryan actually liked this little jacket; I guess he just had a weakness for all the little bits you could add to bikes.

Speaking of little bits, he misremembers soldering little caps on the end of cables. There were little caps, which fell into the category of accessory we called “cable goodies” at the bike shop (which category also included little rubber donuts that a brake cable gets threaded through to stop it from dinging on the frame tube). We did solder the ends of cables, with a little torch, which I will never forget because one day Bryan let a blob of molten solder drop right off the end of a cable onto the head mechanic’s bare toe, causing him to howl such a powerful stream of profanities to make a man’s blood run cold. But the caps Bryan is evidently recalling were these cool little cable caps that Shimano included that were actually made of solder, so all you had to do was hold a flame to them. Clever, huh? And then there were the little aluminum caps you could just crimp on there, still prevalent today, which we called cable titties.

And the Shank Fin? That was a chainstay protector that had a little fin on the front to keep your chain from getting sucked into the tire. I recall these fins working pretty well and I don’t know why they no longer exist, other than to say the chain is more prone to getting sucked up from the bottom. A skilled mountain biker can hear and/or feel when this is happening and quickly backpedal, just a quarter turn, to release the chain; with e-bikes there’s no such feedback and the chain ends up breaking, which is why you see e-bikers on the side of the trail peering into their smartphones to try (usually in vain) to learn how to fix a broken chain. O brave new world!

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this plunge into bike arcana. I know I strayed pretty far from the point here, but isn’t being beside the point kind of the point? (It is for me, anyway...)

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Email me here. For a complete index of albertnet posts, click here.

Presta Valve Locknuts, aka Valve Rings

Introduction

As you’ll surely agree, this post is long overdue. It stems from my post “10 Fascinating Facts About Inner Tubes” that I wrote over 13 years ago. Fact #4, “Valves can fuel sibling rivalry,” described the war I fought with my brother Geoff over Presta valve locknuts, aka valve rings:

We had an ongoing disagreement about the usefulness of valve rings. I argued that they helped you keep the valve straight, helped you get the pump chuck on there, and enabled you to ride a flat without the tube bunching up around the valve. He argued that … wait a second, this is my blog, I’m not going to bother giving his silly arguments! He can comment on this post if he wants his position articulated.

Geoff was forever stealing the rings from my bike’s valves to deprive me of them. I had to keep spare valve rings on me in case I discovered his treachery too late, like during a ride. In retaliation I was forever putting rings on his bike’s valves. There was a lot of cussing.

(There’s more to that story, which you can find here.)

In response to that post, M—, a guy on my road cycling club, who raced with Greg LeMond back in the day and who has always been our club’s Obi Wan Kenobi, replied, “Valve rings, as you call them, were always the sign of novice nerd-dom, like crank bolt dust caps. Your brother was right.” This really stung, since a) it came from our guru, and b) I never used crank bolt dust caps, because I knew better, but somehow I didn’t know better about these locknuts. (For more on crank bolts, click here.) From that day forward I mended my ways and stopped using valve locknuts. (I did keep one in my toolkit for roadside repairs.)

End of story, right? Well, not so fast. In cycling circles, widespread debate about Presta valve locknuts still bubbles up from time to time and has done so for decades. It’s the perfect hot button issue to tackle on albertnet because it gets people bickering good-naturedly without ruining friendships or landing me on either side of the currently raging culture war. So I decided to poll the members of my bike club on the topic, along with a couple other cycling pals and my brother, and describe in these pages the current Presta valve locknut zeitgeist.

The bike team weighs in

Curiously, more East Bay Velo Club members came out against valve locknuts than in favor, though I suspect more of my teammates use them than not, as I shall get into. I know with certainty that one of the “con” votes was from a guy I ride with all the time who does use them, as he told me himself … but that’s not what he put in writing.

Trigger warning: this is not a short post. If you have attention span issues, I recommend you either a) visit this page instead, b) request a vlog version of this post, or c) print it out and store it on your toilet tank to work through over time.

Okay, here’s what my bike club had to say:

1. I’m a nay on the ring. Need to reduce weight as much as possible. Plus, it just slows you down when having to change tubes—yes, I have still not gone tubeless. And last, if you have them on they loosen up and rattle...

2. Tubeless all day. Pro. [This is a tacit “for” vote … more on this later.]

3. I save them all for making bike bling bracelets, necklaces, etc. Still they continue to pile up. Need any? [He included these photos:]

4. Con. They work their way lose and rattle and it’s annoying.

5. Perhaps  we can add the little cap to the fray. That said, I once had to change a tube with a short stem in a deeper wheel, and it was impossible to insert the pump [chuck] as there was very little length left outside. I have since bought a screw on type, but still put in the nut unless it is a Michelin tube or TPU… [Not clear what “a screw on type” means here but I suspect either a screw-on pump chuck—more on this later—or a valve extender, which is a whole other topic. More to come on TPUs.]

6. I am very much on the pro side of piston rings, which sound like they should be mentioned in the same breath as valve rings, but which of course are entirely unrelated.

7. [From M—] Growing up riding on sew-ups (“tubulars” to youngsters) I never saw a stem nut. I don’t use them on clinchers either but could see how they’d be helpful for some people. The combination of unnecessarily long valve stems and ham-handed pump technique puts a lot of leverage on the stems, which I’ve seen damaged. This probably applies to pumps that attach directly to the stem vs. ones with a short, flexible hose. Both valve caps and stem nuts are largely useless. However, as collectors’ items, the former are vastly superior. [He included this photo of his prized valve cap collection.]

8. Since I’ve been a tubeless guy for 12 or more years, I can’t really see life without valve rings. That said, I recall also liking [pre-tubeless] to have them on tubes cause they frankly made it easier to get the pump chuck seated on to the valve before pumping the tire. So, for those guys who are against valve rings, tell them to SUCK IT!

9. I was talking about your forthcoming post on valve stem nuts on my ride today and someone pointed out that some of these modern TPU tubes don’t even have threads on the stem. No Nuts! 

My responses

There is so much to explain and respond to here, I feel like a kid in a candy shop, or more accurately an ectomorph with a pet tapeworm at an all-u-can-eat buffet.

First off, the locknuts do make it easier to get an old-school pump chuck on there because the valve doesn’t get shoved down into the tube. Is it the case that a valve that’s pulled out too much can interfere with seating the tire and cause it to blow off the rim? Yeah, that can happen. But it’s also the case that cramming a chuck on lockring-less valve can damage the tube, because the valve can get torqued around and, worse case, the tube rips at the valve. So there’s no free lunch, really, with traditional pump chucks.

That’s where M—’s input comes in, about the modern mini-pumps with the short, flexible hose. Not only do these not torque the valve around, but because the chuck isn’t shoved on there but instead just screws on (using the same valve threads that the locknut uses), there’s no need for the locknut. But the screw-on chucks have a downside, which is that they tend to unscrew an under-tightened valve core, so when you finish unscrewing the chuck and pull it off, the core comes with it and—WHOOSH!—all the air escapes. And unless you have a valve core tool in your kit, you’re pretty much screwed. I see this several times per season when coaching high schoolers. It also happened to me recently on El Toyonal, a road that is closed to cars. I’d have been stranded except I was able to screw the core in far enough with my fingers to make it (sort of) work. I couldn’t believe I managed that. It felt like an 80-yard Hail Mary pass (and as you can imagine I am useless at football).

Any argument about saving weight is a joke (perhaps literally). This is a case, I think, of the person supplying a merely ostensible reason because he doesn’t actually know why he does what he does. (Or she.) I don’t own a scale sensitive enough to weigh a valve locknut. I suppose I could gather up all the ones I own (probably at least twenty, spread out over several boxes, toolboxes, the little nipple holder on my truing stand, and elsewhere) and take the average, but I can’t be bothered. This tiny locknut couldn’t even weigh a gram. If you want to save that much weight, just blow your nose before you ride, or alter your diet. Or better yet, to M—’s point about unnecessarily long valve stems, get the ones that are only just long enough for your aero rims … I see a lot of “stem inflation” (pun intended, sorry) and I don’t like it. The valves look like they’re aroused.

Let’s proceed, then, to the most common criticism of valve locknuts: they come loose and rattle. This is sort of a legitimate complaint. Why only sort of? Because not only is it not always true, many cyclists will tell you that the opposite is true: that part of the purpose of the lockring is to prevent the valve itself from rattling. So which is it? I think this has everything to do with your specific setup. I used valve locknuts on the cheapy Araya rims that came with my Miyata 310; on the Super Champion Gentleman rims I had on my Mercian; on the Wolber 58s I use for my commuting bike; on the Mavic MA-40s I trained on for many years; on the 16-spoke Shimano aero wheels that I had briefly before they disintegrated; and on both pairs of my Mavic Ksyriums. In zero of these cases did the locknut rattle. And I didn’t tighten these locknuts with pliers like an idiot (though a friend of mine did this in junior high and thus couldn’t fix a flat out on the road once and had to call his mommy). Are my fingers possibly stronger than those of the people whose valve locknuts rattle? Possibly, due to all the years I worked in bike shops. (As we always liked to tell people, “Bicycle mechanic bleed on the inside.”)

So if you, gentle reader, were to install valve locknuts, would they rattle? I’m gonna say probably not. As I look back on all the hundreds, perhaps thousands of cyclists I’ve ridden with, I honestly cannot remember a single instance of valve lockrings rattling. This isn’t because I have a faulty memory; after all, I remember the kid in junior high I just mentioned who’d over-tightened his lockrings, and that was over forty years ago. Meanwhile, I distinctly remember the converse: a valve rattling, which bothered several of us on a ride 16 years ago. It couldn’t possibly have been a locknut because the valve was on a sew-up (tubular) tire. I have photographic proof. Look:

This was during the 2009 Sierra Century (details here). Mark got so frustrated with the rattling he stopped at a rest stop and accepted assistance from the staffer you see above, who was beyond stoked at being able to help, even if that only meant holding Mark’s bike. I’m pretty sure she’d fallen in love.

Okay, you’ve probably stumbled onto the theory that I’m just deaf and/or willing to ignore an annoying noise. I will concede that the latter may be true. I know I mentioned mere moments ago being bothered by Mark’s rattling valve, but to be more specific, it was his complaining of the rattling that actually bothered me. My own bikes have made various noises over the years and yes, I’ve managed to tune them out. Humans are harder to ignore. I was once accosted repeatedly during a ride by my pal T—, who complained incessantly about my pump rattling until I finally did something about it. And I’ve had people complain about my wheels making some kind of noise that I always took as a cry for help (the noise of the wheel, not my friends) but that I figured would take care of itself when the wheel inevitably died. My friend C— often apologizes for the noises his bike makes, and almost invariably I don’t even know what he’s talking about.

(There was one notable exception. One day back in 2007, his bike was making an awful creaking noise that seemed to get progressively worse, and he apologized repeatedly. I have to confess, I  really was getting annoyed, I mean the noise was that bad. Finally I turned off to head up Lomas Cantadas, just to get away from the din, but to my horror the noise persisted. It wasn’t C—’s bike after all, it was mine … my fricking frame was broken! The seat tube had cracked down near the front derailleur, and right about at the turnoff to South Park Drive it sheared completely in two. By the time I got home the noise had grown to the sound of Satan eating a steel garbage can.)

If you’re using a Presta tube in a rim drilled for Schrader, you need more than a locknut—you need a rim grommet, which looks like this:

I’ve used those and they absolutely require a locknut because more often than not, they pucker out like a hemorrhoid which is really gross to look at but is well hidden by the locknut.

Now, if you’ve been paying attention, first off congratulations, and second, you’re probably wondering about my assertion that more of my teammates use valve locknuts than not, despite what a majority of them have indicated in my email survey. This is because I’d guess over half of my teammates are now running tubeless, which setup practically requires lockrings. (It’s not 100%—as I’ll get to—but they certainly help.) So shouldn’t the modern debate be about whether to run tubeless tires or not? Isn’t that where the rubber meets the road? (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) But the tubeless-or-not debate is actually pointless, for the simple reason that this matter is entirely cut-and-dried. There is an obvious right answer, and I have it, and I shall give it to you.

But first, I have just one other tidbit from the reader comments to address, which is piston rings. I found that aside so comical, I read it out loud to my wife. She is a curious sort (and a recovering journalist) and asked, “What are piston rings?” So I started to mansplain them to her, and about a minute in I paused and asked, “Are you actually interested in this?” She replied, “No, I’ve stopped listening. I was only wondering if they were part of a bicycle.” I assured her they weren’t but that they were absolutely integral to the function of a car engine. She asked, “Do all males know what piston rings do?” I said yes, of course. “Why?” she asked. I asserted that all males find such matters intrinsically fascinating. (If you are a male reader and disagree, please set me straight via a comment below.)

So, there is a lively debate, online and IRL, about tubeless vs. tubes, and many of my pals have weighed in during our rides over the last five or more years. Until recently I was a bystander in this because my wheels, though insanely cool, couldn’t accommodate tubeless tires anyway. Well, I finally came into some tubeless-ready wheels, contemplated the matter for about thirty seconds, decided to ignore all the horror stories about how hard road tubeless tires are to mount, pulled the tubes out, stuck the valves in, dumped some goo in the tires, reseated and inflated them, and ditched those inner tubes forever (unless I have a rude awakening ahead of me in which case I’ll blog all about that when the time comes).

Here is the point: if you’ve made it this far into this post, it’s almost a given you’ve spent thousands of dollars on a bicycle. So you want that bicycle to ride as beautifully as possible, right? Tubeless gets you there. Nothing else matters. So don’t give me any song and dance about maintenance, punctures, mess, ease of installation, whatever. What is your bike for: to ride, or to fix?

Here’s an analogy: suppose you’re a happily married man, with all the children you want (even if—or perhaps especially if—that number is zero), and you’ve just gotten a vasectomy. You’ve had the follow-up semen sample tested, it came back negative, and the doctor has just left you a voicemail saying, “You can have all the unprotected sex you want.” Now, would you continue using condoms? “Well, I’m used to them, and it’s less messy,” no sane husband would ever say. So it is with tubeless: you’ve gotten rid of a pesky bit of rubber that no longer has any place in your life. The road feel is better with tubeless, cornering is better, and rolling resistance is lower. (And to the weight weenies calling for skipping locknuts on your inner tube valves to save weight, get real: I knocked a quarter pound off the weight of my bike by ditching the tubes. I only put an ounce of sealant in each tire; when it dries up I’ll add more, no biggie.)

So what about TPUs? In case you haven’t heard of them (I myself hadn’t until recently), these are tubes made of thermoplastic polyurethane instead of rubber or latex. This brings the weight down by about 20-30 grams vs. traditional tubes, while also offering lower rolling resistance. They’re also easier to mount. All this being said, they’re $20-30 each, and the special patch kit required is $8 or $10—both way pricier than standard, and needless to say pricier than that ounce of sealant. And yet, at the end of the day, the TPU setup is still heavier than tubeless and still doesn’t ride as well. To continue my vasectomy metaphor, they’re like fancy lambskin condoms … better, sure, but more expensive, and still unnecessary. And why don’t TPU tubes accommodate locknuts? Because, as you saw above, the valves aren’t ribbed (i.e., threaded) for anyone’s pleasure!

If you persist in arguing for inner tubes based on less hassle, etc. you need to accept that the tubeless technology is not the problem: you are. If you are serious about riding an excellent bicycle jolly well, mounting tubeless tires is just something you need to get good at, like typing and being organized and knowing how to scramble an egg (or, for the vegans among you, properly prepare tofu). Setting up tubeless is not that hard. Suck it up. I even have step-by-step instructions for you, here.

Okay, fine, there’s one non-trivial argument against tubeless tires, particularly for road bikes, which is the idea—not without anecdotal evidence—that the tire can blow off the rim. So here’s what to do. First, choose the right tire for your rims: if you have hookless rims, you need hookless-type tires. Consult the manufacturer’s compatibility charts to be sure you have the right combo. Then, read the recommended PSI for the tires you’re using, and for the rims you’re using. Go with whatever is lower. Still nervous? Use a fatter tire and go down another 10 PSI or so. Thousands of professional riders use this technology … it’s mature, it’s commonplace, and it’s arguably as safe as any other aspect of road cycling. All this being said, note that I’m just a blogger, not an industry expert, a certified accountant, an Internet influencer, or a medical doctor. Caveat emptor (translation: don’t sue me).

Now: can you run tubeless without valve locknuts? The conventional wisdom is that you cannot, because the locknut holds the valve firmly in place so it can make an airtight seal with the rim. In fact, ENVE claims that if you don’t use their special Pressure Relief Valve Stem Nut (PRVSN), your rim could actually explode. I doubt you need $5 PRSVNs, but I do recommend valve locknuts based on my own experience. (If you’re curious about what happens without them, see Appendix A. If you’re curious about other stuff, see Appendix B.)

This made me wonder: if tubeless basically requires locknuts, why didn’t my tubeless-ready valves come with them? Answer: they did, but the locknuts were just floating around loose in the box of accessories (reflectors, etc.) that my bike came with. Check it out: the locknuts are black to match my wheels. How cool is that?! I’d never seen (non-plastic) black valve locknuts in my life!

Synthesis

So what’s my ultimate verdict on valve locknuts? As follows:

• If you have a commuter bike with Presta valves, use the locknuts or not, at your whim
• If you have a backup “rain bike” that you mainly ride on the indoor trainer, you better be using noise-canceling headphones, in which case you can use locknuts or not, because who cares if they (or your valves) rattle?
• For your flagship road or mountain bike, run tubeless with locknuts, and if anybody makes fun of you, send them this blog post.

One more thing: do I ever hear valve locknuts rattling on wheels with tubeless tires? I’ll give you a hint: no. Still stumped? Here’s another hint: I don’t.

Appendix A

Tubeless-ready wheels came with my new bike, but the tires were mounted with tubes since it’s impossible to know how long a bike might sit around in a warehouse, its tires going flat (which could break the seal and cause sealant to ooze everywhere). So I dug through the bag of accessories (reflectors, a bell, owner’s manuals, etc.) and found the valves that came with the wheels. They didn’t have locknuts in the little bag, so I assumed locknuts weren’t necessary. (Obviously I could have installed some from my stash, but M—’s admonition about “novice nerd-dom” was still ringing in my ears, 13 years later.) Despite all the mythology I’d heard about setting up tubeless tires, I not only managed to get the tires to seal without lockrings, but did it with ease. My assumption, that the pressure inside the tire would hold the valves in place, seemed to pan out.

The problem is, not all seals are created equal, and tubeless-style valves (at least mine) do not have a round base. The rubber part that butts up against the rim is rectangular, as it’s designed to sit in the rim in a specific way, and if it gets twisted the seal is slightly compromised. I learned this on my fifth or sixth tubeless ride: before heading out, I topped up the air pressure, and when I removed the screw-on pump chuck from the valve, it put up a fight (as it often does) and must have twisted the valve. About 90 minutes into my ride the tire pressure had dropped to about 40 PSI, maybe less. I thought I could pump it up and get home, but as I mentioned before, halfway up El Toyonal the tire was again almost flat, and that’s when I had my mishap with the valve core.

So yeah, use locknuts with tubeless, to make sure the valve stays straight. The locknut also helps when you tighten down that valve core good and snug. (If you use a screw-on chuck and don’t have a valve core wrench, buy one immediately.)

Appendix B

I’m still working on Appendix B. Check back next week. For information about giraffes, click here.

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